Feed back on my first role play.

[yarmouth1]

Hi guys was wondering if I could get feedback on my first Role play back in a few months.

I have gone down the character building root just to build a little story behind Yarmouth's absence.

apwprez.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=meltdownrp&action=display&thread=16866

[Jules]

The best thing I can say Yarmouth is that in your absence the quality hasn't diminished. It's no secret you're probably the most improved writer in APW in the last 12 months, and I admire your commitment to want to get better, your genuine infectious enjoyment for the game, and the humility that more than a few people in this universe could do with a good dose of.

I won't go into details about narratives, the depth of characters, the quality of dialogue etc. because I can see you're just having a blast and trying to make this as enjoyable as possible, and using it as a vehicle to improve. However, I'm happy to see you introduce some side story, and I hope the 'Dawson' story thread continues in order to fill in some gaps, help nurture the character, and just had some additional fun factor to your writing.

The one real piece of constructive advice I can give is to really work on your punctuation. I know stuff like this and spelling is always going to be an issue. The spelling I can live with because even the top guys in the fed make elementary spelling errors, but you can improve the quality of your RPs with improved punctuation.

I'll give you two tips. When you write your RPs read them through again and when you feel you have reached the end of an idea or thought put in a full stop, then begin a new sentence. I assume you write as a kind of stream of consciousness, so that review after you've done the writing might help you out rather than over thinking the punctuation while you are writing.

You will be surprised what a difference proper sentencing will do for your work, it's pacing, and the way people read it (and especially their receptivity to it). I always like to illustrate with an example, so here goes.

I mean come on this fella is far better then you if he were alive today he would be seething at what you have done to him sure your a hot chick but hell it feels like your taking the piss out off the greatest robber in the history of England.

You've included this as one sentence, but there is more than one idea.

1. I mean come on this fella is far better then you
2. if he were alive today he would be seething at what you have done to him
3. sure your a hot chick but hell it feels like your taking the piss out off the greatest robber in the history of England

These are three ideas included in that one sentence (well three ideas, one with a sub-clause). If you put a full stop after each one, you have three sentences forming the following paragraph.

I mean come on this fella is far better then you. If he were alive today he would be seething at what you have done to him. Suure your a hot chick but hell it feels like your taking the piss out off the greatest robber in the history of England.

You can punctuate it further, but I want to keep this straightforward, and I firmly believe just improving your sentencing will improve your roleplays manifold. If you follow the rule that each sentence should contain one idea, then it might help you someway. That is to say: when you've expressed an idea or thought, add a full stop before moving onto the next one.

I won't go into any other punctuation for now, or structural points like proper paragraphing right now, maybe some other day. I hate to sound like a teacher (again), but my target for you Yarmouth would be to try to improve your sentencing with full stops on your next RP.

If you don't think I'm being a condescending prick I'll happily give you some follow up feedback on your next RP if you wanted to have a go at putting this into practice. But I truly hope this doesn't come over as me being patronising, not what I was aiming at.

tl;dr

Great to have your enthusiasm back.
I have two tips for improvement

1. Review your work with close attention to sentencing.
2. Improve your sentencing by applying the 'one thought/idea per sentence' rule.

Hope this helps.

[Nathaniel Havok]

^ Listen to this guy. I can't seem to beat him, so I'll just (sort of) echo what he said.

Your quality has indeed NOT diminished. It's very nice having you back! To me, a lot of it however, seems jumbled. You had so many different "highways" that you could have taken, but you never branched off. It was a rock-solid and a very high quality roleplay. However, it seemed too straight and narrow. Not saying that I did, but just saying... I could see where someone might lose interest.

Now, I doubt anyone DID lose interest in the roleplay, seeing as how we're all happy to have you back, and it's your first roleplay since you returned... But in the future, it could become a problem.

[Nathaniel Havok]

Actually, I lied. I forgot, I beat Jules on an episode of Overdrive back in November of 2011. But still, since then, I can't beat him to save my life! Lol

[yarmouth1]

Thanks for the feedback fella's will try and put them in place in my next Role play and Havok that must have been some Role play when you beat him mate, Well done fella.

[Lord Raab]

Sounds like you have the same problem as I do on the pacing and sentence structure side of things too. I could even learn from the feedback that Jules gave you with this myself as I was told the same thing a while ago by TJ with all of that and I'm still learning about the whole pacing, flow and sentence structure that I'm having problems with.

At least you can do one thing that I can't do and that's telling a story that connects with APW and wrestling. I do notice some spelling/grammar mistakes but doesn't everyone? Even I do it all the time. Welcome back and good luck on your path to achieve more success in APW.

[yarmouth1]

Thanks Raab, How you been doing over on Asylum then, I seen that you beat Jeff at Rasslemainia good job on that one.

Are you still the most hated man in APW Well your character anyway lol.

[Lord Raab]

Not too good but that win over Jeff has really given me a big boost with confidence wise with writing my RP's side of things. I'm still shocked on how that happened and I was in the middle of moving house during the time of the build up as well.

Yep still got that most hated man in APW gimmick going but I somehow have to make him more hated than he is currently.

I made a few changes though while you was gone like Stefan has started smoking cigarettes and at first I done the whole bipolar thing but then I found out a better problem that suited Stefan better that he was recently diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder as well as having Antisocial Personality Disorder which I'm going to fit in my next RP.

Also he's speaking a lot more German as well that I'm trying to get to grips with that I had to do to make him more different to other characters on Asylum.

[yarmouth1]

Yeah you got the win but got ya face smashed in afterwards lol.

But hey a win is a win and it can all but help with the confidence it will bring you I just hope I don't crash and burn against Robin Hood shes a very good Role player from what I've seen.

[Lord Raab]

You mean he is a good RPer? Yeah I known the handler of Robina Hood for a long time actually because we are in the same fed together in another place called WEW. Me and him get along really well and he's beaten me more than once with my Fizz character although I have beaten him with my other British characters in WEW before so yes watch out for him LOL.

[Nathaniel Havok]

Apr 5, 2013 9:52:09 GMT -4 yarmouth1 said:

I seen that you beat Jeff at Rasslemainia good job on that one.

Yeah! Good job, asshole! How much money did you wire to him for that win?

[Lord Raab]

Aww. Is Havok jealous now? How cute LOL. No I just wanted to RP battle with him and boom that happened.