Post by Cris on Apr 20, 2013 18:08:59 GMT -4
Bend (Over) To My Will
You know what? Fuck it, I’ll admit it...I shouldn’t be finding myself in this position right now. In fact, I should never be in this position, I shouldn’t be backed up into a corner like I am, but that’s the situation I find myself in. It is what it is.
I feel like all I’ve ever done here in APW is waste my fucking time. Chasing some bullshit tag team titles, perpetually being second in not one but TWO North American title matches...where does it end? Where do I get to draw the line and finally do...something!?
Will I ever? Is it even up to me...? I know it’s strange for me to doubt myself but places like this...they make you wonder. Makes my mind wander. Off to strange places. What’s my winless streak now? I’ve lost count. It’s been over a month. Maybe two. Closer to two.
Who’s fault is it? Everyone points the finger at Kaylyn but...I dunno. Maybe I have to look inward. Failure is always an option - the most readily available option there is...and time after time I keep picking it. I make my deal with the devil and I choose failure over success and for what? A paycheck?
Is it really worth waking up in so much pain, emotionally and physically over this? This bullshit. A place which forces me to tour in these shitholes, these third world countries, where running water is a commodity. It’s a joke. I’m a joke. And whatever I do, I can’t seem to shake it.
Everyone I talk to, everyone that talks says Christian Kane is a great wrestler, he’s so talented - why isn’t he winning? Why aren’t I winning? Maybe I just don’t fucking care. Maybe it’s gotten to the point where I’m so disillusioned that I don’t wins to feel good about myself. About my career. But if that’s the case...why don’t I feel good about myself?
All I feel is anger and frustration. This deep, burning rage inside of me that I can never show. The type of rage that will spill over into my private life if I don’t find an avenue for it. A release. Aubrey J Parker is that release. All I ever dreamed about since she opened her stupid mouth was making her break. I don’t want her to tap out. I don’t want her to get knocked out. And I don’t want to pin her shoulders to the ground. I want her to verbally submit to me. I want her to finally realise that everything she ever stood for was a lie. I want her to admit that she was wrong and KNOW that if it wasn’t me it was going to be someone else.
But I’m not someone else. It can’t be anyone else. It has to be me. It has to be Christian Kane. Because that’s who I am. You’re not supposed to like me. None of you are so supposed to like me, and that’s just how I like it because I hate every one of you tenfold. People are liars. People are cheats. People are disgusting. I am people. I hate myself.
I hate myself and I refuse to direct that hatred inwards. I refuse to deal with that issue and there’s no one that can make me. I won’t wallow in self-pity about my losses. I’m not going to complain. I’m just going to get my revenge. It sounds a little dramatic, maybe even for me, but I almost feel like I’ve gone by the book since I’ve gotten here, almost. I’ve been...nice. Too nice. Everyone here raves about what I can do, but they’ve never seen me do it. I never will. I don’t want to. Everyone here talks about how disgusting I am. How evil I am. How sickening I am. They haven’t seen the fucking half of it.
I’m not out for blood this Sunday at Asylum. Never was. If your body breaks then so be it, babe.
I don’t need to win.
I don’t need to perform well.
I have one sole purpose in Paraguay, Parker.
This isn’t about any title.
This isn’t about Logan.
This isn’t about Kaylyn.
This is about us.
You...and...me.
You will bend to my will, Aubrey.
You don’t have to like it, most don’t.
But in time you will.
They always do.
You know what? Fuck it, I’ll admit it...I shouldn’t be finding myself in this position right now. In fact, I should never be in this position, I shouldn’t be backed up into a corner like I am, but that’s the situation I find myself in. It is what it is.
I feel like all I’ve ever done here in APW is waste my fucking time. Chasing some bullshit tag team titles, perpetually being second in not one but TWO North American title matches...where does it end? Where do I get to draw the line and finally do...something!?
Will I ever? Is it even up to me...? I know it’s strange for me to doubt myself but places like this...they make you wonder. Makes my mind wander. Off to strange places. What’s my winless streak now? I’ve lost count. It’s been over a month. Maybe two. Closer to two.
Who’s fault is it? Everyone points the finger at Kaylyn but...I dunno. Maybe I have to look inward. Failure is always an option - the most readily available option there is...and time after time I keep picking it. I make my deal with the devil and I choose failure over success and for what? A paycheck?
Is it really worth waking up in so much pain, emotionally and physically over this? This bullshit. A place which forces me to tour in these shitholes, these third world countries, where running water is a commodity. It’s a joke. I’m a joke. And whatever I do, I can’t seem to shake it.
Everyone I talk to, everyone that talks says Christian Kane is a great wrestler, he’s so talented - why isn’t he winning? Why aren’t I winning? Maybe I just don’t fucking care. Maybe it’s gotten to the point where I’m so disillusioned that I don’t wins to feel good about myself. About my career. But if that’s the case...why don’t I feel good about myself?
All I feel is anger and frustration. This deep, burning rage inside of me that I can never show. The type of rage that will spill over into my private life if I don’t find an avenue for it. A release. Aubrey J Parker is that release. All I ever dreamed about since she opened her stupid mouth was making her break. I don’t want her to tap out. I don’t want her to get knocked out. And I don’t want to pin her shoulders to the ground. I want her to verbally submit to me. I want her to finally realise that everything she ever stood for was a lie. I want her to admit that she was wrong and KNOW that if it wasn’t me it was going to be someone else.
But I’m not someone else. It can’t be anyone else. It has to be me. It has to be Christian Kane. Because that’s who I am. You’re not supposed to like me. None of you are so supposed to like me, and that’s just how I like it because I hate every one of you tenfold. People are liars. People are cheats. People are disgusting. I am people. I hate myself.
I hate myself and I refuse to direct that hatred inwards. I refuse to deal with that issue and there’s no one that can make me. I won’t wallow in self-pity about my losses. I’m not going to complain. I’m just going to get my revenge. It sounds a little dramatic, maybe even for me, but I almost feel like I’ve gone by the book since I’ve gotten here, almost. I’ve been...nice. Too nice. Everyone here raves about what I can do, but they’ve never seen me do it. I never will. I don’t want to. Everyone here talks about how disgusting I am. How evil I am. How sickening I am. They haven’t seen the fucking half of it.
I’m not out for blood this Sunday at Asylum. Never was. If your body breaks then so be it, babe.
I don’t need to win.
I don’t need to perform well.
I have one sole purpose in Paraguay, Parker.
This isn’t about any title.
This isn’t about Logan.
This isn’t about Kaylyn.
This is about us.
You...and...me.
You will bend to my will, Aubrey.
You don’t have to like it, most don’t.
But in time you will.
They always do.
