Post by "The Real Deal" Ellis Graham on Apr 28, 2013 22:16:34 GMT -4
This Week…on Real Wrestling…
...Ellis gets a guest appearance in Florida Georgia Wrestling, but how does he get there from Argentina?
…Once there, Ellis will have to do what no one has ever done before…
…Once there, Ellis will have to do what no one has ever done before…
…That and more tonight…on REAL WRESTLING STARRING ELLIS GRAHAM!
(Open to Yeoman Gill talking on his Nokia phone.)
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
Sure!
(Gill looks down at his watch.)
Yeah, he can be there for a Friday night show!
Awesome!
(Gill hangs up the phone as Ellis walks in.)
Ellis! I got you a special guest booking with Florida Georgia Wrestling!
What the Hell is that?
Oh, it’s nothing. A small indy fed, but it’s exposure, plus I’m sure the folks at home would love to see you take your work on the road.
When?
Friday night. You have plenty of time to get there and back before Meltdown.
Should I arrange for your jet?
Jet? No. That's how Terry Marvin travels, and we both know I can do better than that...
("I'm On A Boat" loudly lines the views of a luxury yacht, while Ellis narrates on voiceover.)
I traveled to Miami is one of the "World Is Not Enough" line of luxury superyachts...
Best $24 million I've ever spent. We're talking a personal luxury cruise vacation...while still traveling 70 miles an hour. An absolute thing of beauty...
...both inside and out.
Sure, maybe taking a Jet would be faster, but I can't think of anywhere in Miami I'd rather be then just chillin' right here.
Besides, the Rockets are in the playoffs and the NFL draft is all weekend. I got plenty of things to do while we cruise the ocean and, for a little while at least, bid "good riddance" to the abject filth that is South America.
(An overhead shot of the yacht speeding away fades out the scene.)
NEXT: Ellis Graham takes over Florida Georgia Wrestling!
----------
People assume that adversity is something that makes you stronger once you overcome it.
THE REALITY is…sometimes growing up with a tough childhood just makes you a bruised individual.
Jake Hodges, or as I like to think of you, Thuggy McThuggington the Thug from Thugville, I think a lot of those idiot fans feel sorry for you. No, not because you are contractually obligated to laugh everytime Anfernee Basie thinks he tweets something “funny”, but because you had a “rough life growing up”. Awww, poor baby. It’s so sad that you had a drug dealer or prostitue or alcoholic or who gives a crap for a father, mother, brother, or whatever. I’m sorry, I would have listened to what your actual problem is, but I can’t hear you over the sound of how worthlessly generic you are. Jake, if I want to see a thug who wants people to give him stuff because his Mommy didn’t love him enough, I’ll just hit the poor parts of Houston. Guys like you are a dime a dozen. But, you see, I DON’T go in those poor, neglected parts of town because, well, neither I nor anyone else wants to have anything to do with a guy like you. It’s really that simple.
You know what else is simple, Jake? Dissecting the fact that you are absolutely the weak link of The Crying Creed. I mean, let’s break it down. I happened to pull up video footage of every singles title you’ve won in APW…well, this is where I would show that video footage…
…IF I HAD ANY!
You and your home slices rip on Young Mannie for not having an accolade-rich career thus far in his life, but who in there right mind says, “You know, that Jake Hodges guy, THAT cat is the future of APW”. And, I bet you can’t even say that your mom believes in you because I’m assuming she’s either dead, on drugs, or in jail.
Now, I’m sure I pissed you off by saying what I’m saying, but that’s only because you don’t get the simple truth that no one cares about your past, Jake, or your translucent efforts to “give back to the community”. The only person that doesn’t see through your crap is Anfernee himself. You see, it’s blatantly obvious that any rumored trips you make to the ol’ Boys and Girls club or whatever is completely staged. You wanna know how I know, Jake? Because no one, AND I MEAN NO ONE, wants to look at you as a role model. You’re a worthless thug, you got lucky because the one person that feels sorry for you is able to carry you on his coattails, and the world will be a better place when God takes your life and does like every society does to punks like you: cast you aside.
Remember, Jake, you didn’t choose the thug life. It chewed you up and spit you out.
----------
(Scene opens to a shoddy looking gymnasium with a wrestling ring set up and the bleachers about half full.)
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, FROM ACTION PACKED WRESTLING...THE REAL DEAL...ELLIS GRAAAAAAAHAM!
("Real Deal Theme" plays as Graham comes out. The crowd boos but the paltry group in attendance fails to generate a thunderous sound of disapproval. Ellis's entrance is meager: no paparazzi, and no cameraman tailing him, but he does come out wearing the Reality Heavyweight Championship. He strolls out, smirking at the fans in return for their boos. The ringside announcer can be plainly heard throughout the gym.)
Here comes Ellis Graham, making a special appearance here. I don't know who his opponent is, but I hope he gets the full FGW treatment tonight!
(Once he hits the ring, he asks for a microphone and receives one.)
Soak it in, folks. I'm the best thing that's ever gonna happen to you in your life.
(The fans boo.)
That's right, guys! You aren't even good enough to earn my signature opening!
(The crowd starts an understandably weak chant of "You Suck!")
Aw, shucks, now you're just trying to butter me up, but I'm not here to explain to you the flaws in your rationale. I'm here to prove one thing to you. One thing that SHOULD be plainly obvious to every single one of you...that NO ONE in...wherever the Hell I am right now, can defeat a wrestler from APW!
What a pompous, pompous person!
(Ellis gives a distracted look towards the announcer's table, not expecting the place to be so low-budget that the announcer would be able to speak over the guy in the ring.)
In fact, I'm so sure that NO ONE can defeat me, that I will put on the line THE most prestigious championship in professional wrestling history: the REALITY HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP!!! That's how confident I am that NO ONE CAN BEAT ELLIS GRAHAM!
(The crowd pops huge as "No One" by Cold plays.)
Oh goodness! Ellis is in trouble now!
(A tall, wiry man steps out into the gym.)
It looks like Graham's open challenge has been answered by the FGW Heavyweight Champion...NO ONE!
Seriously?
(Around his waist is a store-bought replica of the APW World Heavyweight Championship with "FGW" logos taped over APW. He is immediately handed a microphone.)
Who is the best wrestler in FGW?
(The fans answer him.)
NO ONE!
Who does the wrestling world fear?
NO ONE!
Ain't THAT the truth!
And who is better than Ellis Graham?
NO ONE!
That's what I'm trying to tell you!
Shut up! You said you what a challenge, Graham? Well, NO ONE will give you a challenge!
I KNOW!
You're gonna regret putting that title on the line, because when I get in the ring, NO ONE WINS!
(No One begins stalking towards the ring as the announcer reacts in a similar way to a Pastor if they saw Jesus coming to the ring.)
Wow! Graham just basically forfeited his title to NO ONE! The bell is just a formality. NO ONE will become the new Reality Champion tonight because, I am certain of this, NO ONE WILL BEAT ELLIS GRAHAM!
(As No One enters the ring and the bell sounds, Ellis's voiceover cuts in while No One removes his FGW Title.)
I was supposed to let this guy look good. You know how that guy on Longest Yard was making the other team look good by throwing interceptions? Yeah, like that. I was supposed to basically walk into him doing some moves, then go from there.
But all this nonsense...the overbearing announcer...the PA system consisting of a boom box that my housekeeper would think was beneath her...and the guy I'm supposed to beat being named, of all the hair-brained things "Nobody" or whatever...
(Suddenly, No One charges Graham.)
...I just couldn't take it.
(Ellis catches him, lifts him up, and delivers the Dealbreaker, then immediately grabs his legs and flips him around into the Ellis Island submission.
The announcer, meanwhile, tries to continue to sell for the FGW Champion.)
It's not over yet! NO ONE CAN BREAK THE HOLD!
Seriously! Shut the hell up!
(No One taps out, and the ref, obviously not expecting this result, bewilderedly calls for the bell. "No One" by Cold plays, proof the PA guy was expecting a different result. The ref raises Graham's hand and then Graham grabs the FGW Title belt and takes it along with the Reality Heavyweight Championship.)
I don't think the FGW Title was on the line, but, the way I saw it was like this: I won, I beat the champion, so I should have the belt.
I probably should've given it back, but I found myself actually really wanting to get back in my yacht and cruise back to South America. It may be the third world, but, right now, it's home of APW, and I suddenly couldn't think of anywhere I would rather be.
(Roll credits.)
----------
People assume...that the difference between good guys and bad guys is purity, that the heroes are always doing things for the right reasons while villains are always out to do wrong, to cheat, to steal, or needlessly maim.
THE REALITY is...there is absolutely no difference between good guys and bad guys, except for the simple distinguishing between who fans are TOLD to root for and whom to root against.
The perfect example of that is "The Promise Ring" Anfernee Basie. I call him that because, like a promise ring, the idea of Anfernee means something grand and wonderful, when the REALITY is that there is absolutely nothing to him whatsoever.
But, yet, what no one notices is how twisted the public opinion is on him. Why? Because President Bartholomew H. Jeff VI tells you how to feel about him. Just take a second and realize how you have let yourself be skewed:
Anfernee shoots a promo where he's at church, and you sheep shed a tear over his "sincere" attempt to reconcile his demons...but if I went to church, you'd balk at my mocking of the Christian system and boo me for blasphemy.
Anfernee prays about how imperfect he is, but how he's trying, and you sheep stand up and applaud him for admitting his flaws...but if I prayed for my weaknesses like he did, you'd label me an attention whore and boo me for insincerity.
Anfernee pisses and moans on Twitter every time someone says anything less positive than "Basie is AWESOME", and you cheer him on for standing up for himself...but every comment I make is pilloried instantaneously because...what? What's the excuse? I haven't earned it? Since WHEN was the operation of a free social media account something that had to be earned? If that's the case, I guarantee that my wealth and I have garnered deserving to be on Twitter over millions of worthless annoying people tweeting about every damn second of their meaningless lives.
Oh, no. The argument du jour is that "I'm boring". "The Real Deal" is not entertaining enough in his retorting tweets. "It's SO BORING to hear about a wealthy man proud of his monetary accumulations. Well, gosh, that DOES sound unoriginal. I reckon that's almost as boring and predictable..
...as an African-American spouting quotes from Martin Luther King. Oh no! I'm racist now, aren't I, Anfernee? Let's all gang up on the white guy for having an unkind word about the black guy!
And now that I've caused you all to love Basie and hate me, let's take a trip down memory lane. You see, it's no secret that I have been having a running dialogue with that Matthew Jenkings "Anarchy in the Homeless Shelter" guy. In his efforts to subversively gather fan support, he launched some very offensive vernacular at yours truly, and, well, I'm a human being, so I have the freedom to feel like Matt crossed the line with some homophobic slurs he threw at me. Now, I'm not gay, but, again, you needn't be a minority to be offended. So I balked, and I asked President Bartholomew H. Jeff VI and Meltdown GM Selena Henderson to revoke his #1 contender's match as a show of support.
What does APW do when I'm disenfranchised? They give him the title shot a week earlier. No one comes to my defense, and everyone likes Jenkins a little more.
To review: Basie cries race over and over, and becomes a pillar to the community and a hero to the fans. Ellis Graham gets upset - AND HANDLES IT WITH THE SAME EXACT CANDOR AS BASIE - and it causes the fans to cheer as slurs are catapulted at me like rotten fruit.
Basie, you are no different than me, except that I've been successful at life while you've been successful at going from the black kid from the suburbs to a puppeteer of the fans, convincing them you are a hero when you're just as selfish and self-centered as your opponents whom you tell the fans to boo. But after Meltdown, those fans will see the Tag Team champs get dropped like a bad habit, and, instead of booing...
...they'll wonder why they ever cheered for you in the first place.
And THAT'S...what's real!
