The Rabid Bawse Cuban Pope Mayhem Finale

[Delikado]

Some-Kinda-Something-Productions presents
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Episode 45- "The Rabid Bawse Cuban Pope Mayhem Finale

A black Range Rover drives past as our scene opens. Moments later, a second Range Rover exactly like the former drives past, following the leader it would seem. A small black limo drives by now, brandishing a unique Fleur-de-lis on either side. Two more solid black Range Rovers follow the limo, completing this convoy that is riding on the dirt path in the middle of nowhere. It is only as we follow the convoy’s path further up the way that we see where the vehicles are headed:

The Carnival[/u]

Inside the main base of the Carnival, Sofia Monzón, second-in-command to the Deli Tee Vee Empire, stands idly by a fancy table of food and drink. She is handed a knife by an intern and she takes hold of an apple, cutting into it as she speaks to someone who don’t see.

Sofia Monzón: So…Delikado journeys to Rio de Janeiro, then moves past it on his way back home to Cuba, you all would assist him in both transportation and battle. Is that what I’m hearing in this “peace negotiation”?

A clacking of heels is heard across the tile as Sofia finishes cutting her apple. A second, softer female voice is heard.

?: You hear correct. Only there is one teeny little thing you forgot to mention.

Sofia snickers as she lifts the apple to her mouth.

Sofia: Yeah? And what’s that—

A hand reaches out and takes the apple from Sofia’s hand. The camera spins about slowly to reveal a fairly young blonde woman of athletic build in a red dress standing before a spread collection of men in dark suits and sunglasses, despite being indoors. The woman smiles at Sofia, who is surprised by the action of having her lunch taken from her by this calm blonde.

Debra Mason-Noble: We help you and your Bawse, and we get his imperial wrestling resources.

Debra bites into the apple she has claimed. Sofia would do a spit take if she were drinking, but her facial expression does enough to relay her astonishment.

Sofia: Ha! You would have Delikado give up his Deli Tee Vee Empire to you and your husband, Noble? Pfft…

Debra Mason-Noble: Not the “Empire” per se, just the tools of the trade; enough resources that we could build our own entertainment empire as we see fit. Consider it an honor that we could come to you and request the means to replicate what you and Delikado have made for yourselves.

Sofia glances off to the corner of the banquet table where we see a shadowy figure sitting silently in an antique chair amongst the bodyguards, observing. She snickers and then looks to Debra with a light in her eyes.

Sofia: You have balls. I’ll give you that.

Pope Delikado XXX: Open the door, WE FEEL LIKE DEATH!!!

The yells need no clarification as Delikado’s voice echoes behind the closed door feeding into the main room. The large door is opened seconds later, and a carriage is pulled in by First Lieutenant Daleatucuerpoalegriamacarena. Sitting at the back of the carriage with an umbrella overhead (again, we’re inside) is Pope Delikado himself, looking worse for the wear with the tuberculosis he allegedly has come down with. Sofia steps back as Debra stands where she is and the seated man rises from the antique chair. Stepping into the light, he looks very similar to Kurt Noble, and as the Cuban Pope glances from his carriage to the man and calls to him, there can be little doubt as to who this person is…

Pope Delikado XXX: Johnny Noble! Or is it Charlie or…what? We’ve hardly a clue.

The younger of the Noble brothers steps forward and gives a respectable nod of the head. He speaks with a certain authoritative manner that is not obnoxious like Delikado’s.

John Charles Noble II: Charles Noble.

Delikado pops the cork off a champagne bottle as he lazily looks away with disinterest.

Pope Delikado XXX: Whatever.

Ignoring the disrespect given, Charles steps aside to give Debra a moment in the spotlight.

Charles Noble: And may I introduce to you my blushing bride, Debra Mason.

Delikado looks to the lightly smiling Debra Mason-Noble and cracks a smile of his own.

Pope Delikado XXX: Ahhh, marriage. The act of uniting two ones into a whole…or something. But tell us, Noble, when she said the vows, did your wife also have to take the “bland and dry as a board” personality we have heard you are said to possess? What’s yours is hers, right? Hahahaha!

The Deli Tee Vee members laugh as Delikado takes a satisfied drink of champagne right from the bottle. Charles, far from amused at having jokes made at his expense, diverts his attention away from the smug Cuban as Debra’s smile falls and she stands firmly at her husband’s side. The chuckles continue on for a few more seconds until Charles is satisfied they have subsided.

Charles Noble: Those words you hear about me only come from scandalous, corrupt ingrates with grudges, and inbred bikers who lack the intelligence to do anything but rev their own engines and swing baseball bats at defenseless people.

Pope Delikado XXX: Oh, you mad, brah? Ha, we only kid with you. Delikado knows why you’ve come to him. You would help him secure victory—TRUE victory, against Michael Callahan and the evils of Action Packed Wrestling. After all, that is your family’s MO: Where there is a collection of villains beating on the downtrodden and hopeless, there is ALWAYS a Noble who helps lead the charge against them. By the Wrestling Gods, ha, you people just don’t know how to quit. Well, cept your brother Kurt, but we digress that mooting of our point. It has always amazed Delikado how resilient you Nobles can be. You are…tenacious little bastards.

Debra Mason-Noble: We may be tenacious bastards who cannot quit, Cuban, but you will quickly find, to your fortune…

Debra walks past Charles and to the carriage Delikado is still seated and drinking in. She glides her fingers across the fabric on the carriage’s edges and looks the Cuban Pope directly in his eyes.

Debra Mason-Noble: The APW is filled with those who are not. Especially when it comes to Mayhem.

Delikado is moved to silence for several seconds as he pulls a cigar from his Pope-like robes. He puts it into his mouth as he stares at the steadfast wife of Charles Noble.

Pope Delikado XXX: We cannot tell if you make a pun or joke…but we feel we are going to like you, Miss…?

Debra Mason-Noble: Debra. And I appreciate your liking, Cuban Holiness.

Debra smiles softly, leading Delikado to smile as well as he lights his cigar and puffs it greedily.

Pope Delikado XXX: By all means then, let’s talk about fighting those villains in our APW.

(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)

Kelso, Washington
Days Later[/u]

The Deli Tee Vee gang is out in full force with a massive camp set on the outer part of Kelso, Washington, home to World Heavyweight Champion Michael Callahan. A motorcycle engine is heard roaring as it appears on the horizon near the camp and makes a beeline down the road. Sofia is riding, and as she reaches a building that has been set up as Delikado’s base, she dismounts and moves inside the building. Inside is Delikado, still inflicted with tuberculosis, lying in his robes on a messy bed with his feet propped up, picking at fruit in a bowl. Off to the side stand Mr. and Mrs. Noble, who turn their focus to Sofia as she enters the room and faces Delikado.

Sofia: The mayor won’t let you in, Delikado. It seems we forgot you were banned from the entire city after that debacle with St. Helens. Actually, as it turns out, the entire state has blacklisted you from being here, for entertainment purposes or otherwise.

Debra and Charles look to Delikado in confusion, as the Cuban bites down hard onto a grape at hearing this news.

Debra Mason-Noble: Are they out of their minds? They can’t do that! What did you even do?

Delikado flings the fruit bowl aside.

Pope Delikado XXX: Wrestling Gods damn it, we blow up ONE little mountain for shits and giggles, and everyone throws a hissy fit! Bah!

Delikado uses his best effort to elevate himself up off the bed, brushing his hair back with his hand as he exhales.

Pope Delikado XXX: It would appear the home of our enemy very much fuels resistance yet. Definitely the sort of tenaciousness unexpected from you, Mrs. Noble Ladyface. Heh.

Delikado rises to his feet in a shaky fashion and pops an already lit cigar between his teeth.

Pope Delikado XXX: Then it is off to battle we go. Hi ho, hi ho, hi ho.

Ho: Yes?

Delikado looks at the half-naked prostitute who has poked her head out from under the sheets of the bed he was lying on.

Pope Delikado XXX: Shut up, go away.

The ho gets up with her clothes in hand and leaves the room. Delikado walks over to the adjacent bathroom, turns on the shower, and cracks his neck as he glances at the on looking Nobles and Sofia.

Pope Delikado XXX: Let us just clean up and put on his war face.

Without any hint he was about to, the Cuban Pope abruptly slams his head onto the bathroom wall not once, not twice, but three harsh times! Slightly dizzy from the self-abuse, the Cuban hangs his head with closed eyes and sticks his hand under the shower to collect water, which he splashes onto his face. Blood from the head wound proceeds to spill down his face and chest, and as he turns his head back to the stunned on-lookers, Delikado opens his eyes, revealing a maddened blood red look in his pupils.

Boss Delikado: The Cuban fire returns! Like a Bawse, Delikado is ready to crush their bones to dust, and then SMOKE EM! BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!

Boss Delikado, reborn it would seem, cracks his back and exits the restroom. He discards his Pope-like robes, being momentarily naked, and fetches a look at everyone as they pretend to not look.

Boss Delikado: Don’t act like you’re not impressed. All real, too. And all the marks of a Champion that Delikado is!

Da Bawse opens a closet and dons solid black clothing. When his super villain-like outfit is buttoned up and covering him from head-to-toe, the Cuban slicks his hair back and turns his eyes to the Nobles. (Oddly enough and without explanation, Delikado has also grown back his solid black moustache/goatee combo in this split second of having his face off-camera.)

Boss Delikado: Delikado’s gonna ask you a question, Debra: Do you think my devouring the evils of Overdrive and APW whole on this Mayhem of ours will feed my hunger for the next hour?

Debra Mason-Noble: If not, I’m sure there’s bound to be some fast food we can scrape up. I might even be inclined to cook you up a morsel or two, to hit the spot for that Cuban fire.

Delikado turns to Debra and bites his lip in thought. He glances at Charles as well, and licks his lips now with a devious chuckle.

Boss Delikado: Hee-hee! Delikado definitely likes you. Hold onto her, Charlie Noble.

Charles, less enthralled by the chatter than Delikado and his wife are, nonetheless grins.

(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)

Boss Delikado exits his base and crosses the yard as his Deli Tee Vee soldiers continue to prepare for whatever it is that is happening. Ron Reynolds approaches the Cuban pulling on the restraints for the Cuban’s white stallion, First Lieutenant Daleatucuerpoalegriamacarena.

Ron Reynolds: Bawse, here’s your horse.

Boss Delikado: Fuck the horse. Delikado will ride old school today.

The Cuban Warrior snaps his fingers and seconds later, his Smart Car Monster Truck rolls into view. Delikado climbs inside, followed by Sofia and the Nobles—everyone amazingly fits with more comfort than in any vehicle you can find today. He puts the SCMT into drive, but not before looking down at Reynolds and pointing a hostile finger.

Boss Delikado: F-to-the-Y-and-I, Ron Reynolds, that was Delikado literally telling you to bang that horse!

Ron Reynolds: Wait, what??!

Boss Delikado: Do it, or don’t come back. First Lieutenant Daleatucuerpoalegriamacarena will give me a FULL report later.

He rolls up the window and slams on the gas, ripping and tearing his way down the path alongside his DTV soldiers. Ron Reynolds slowly turns his head toward First Lieutenant Daleatucuerpoalegriamacarena, who looks him dead in the eyes.

First Lieutenant Daleatucuerpoalegriamacarena: Lesson One: You don’t bang me, *I* bang *you*.

Ron Reynolds has a horrified look on his face as the horse snorts…

But we cut now to Delikado driving his way to Kelso Washington, wearing a grin on his face as he looks at the open fields further ahead where some sort of contraptions are being put together.

Boss Delikado: What should be the progress of Delikado’s catapults, Sofia? How long should it take for them all to level theses bitches’ homes?

Sofia looks over some statistics on her iPhone.

Sofia: Well… we have Kelso here; completely separate units in Toronto, Liberity City, AND Holly Wood; and Fargo is actually still recovering from our attack last year—a catapult attack will decimate Gates’ hometown worse of all, I reckon.

Boss Delikado: Well reckon Deli this: How long until Delikado’s point is made, and how much destruction will do those cocksuckers permanent harm?

Sofia: If we attack in unison? Give it a day.

Delikado frowns a bit, but nonetheless looks to the bright side.

Boss Delikado: Delikado will catapult his opponents’ homes for one whole day of fun. Can I play the fiddle through it all?

Sofia: Well, you CAN, but I would hope you wouldn’t.

Delikado suddenly gasps weakly and rubs his temples as if in pain. Debra shows initial concern, especially since the Cuban’s the one driving and taking his eyes off the road.

Debra Mason-Noble: Are you okay, Delikado? Is it your head injury?

Boss Delikado: No….it’s not that. That was a pussy-ass wall Delikado hit his head on anyhow. This pain is worse, and yet so familiar…as if it has never left. Perhaps it’s the events of Mayhem to come that translates it into euphoria, albeit through aggressiveness that is only outmatched by Delikado’s in…CREDIBLE vigor!

Debra Mason-Noble: There’s also the knowledge that Charles and I have come with our own secret weapon for you to use against Callahan and the others.

Boss Delikado: Hooray!

(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)

Meanwhile at the Carnival…[/u]

Stuck back at the Carnival, largely because he’s in a wheelchair, Dr. Apartment is looking over medical doctor stuff. Another patron left behind, Da Bawse’s six, almost seven months pregnant girlfriend Ariel Hassle, is sitting nearby reading books on motherhood. Suddenly, the good Doc App gasps as he looks into a microscope at something.

Dr. Apartment: Egad!

Ariel Hassle: What is it?

Dr. Apartment spins in his chair and faces the concerned looking young lady.

Dr. Apartment: I’ve just been running tests on Delikado’s rabies, and I’ve found, when comparing it to similar cases, that the rabies in his body are counting down, set to activate in his overall DNA and merge with his being, unleashing something…HORRIBLE!

Ariel: *gasp* Oh no! Really?!

Dr. Apartment: Yes, it’s true and not me making stuff up that’s totally illogical. Delikado has some kind of…Super Rabies, and when the inner clock counts down, it will bring about carnage the likes of which we’ve never known! It’s probably already pulsing inside out as we speak! It’s mayhem, I say, mayhem!

Ariel lifts her pregnant self up and looks over Dr. Apartment’s stuff, but she can’t make heads or tails of any of it.

Ariel: Well, when would this “mayhem” occur? How much longer does Delikado have before the Super Rabies unleash themselves?

Dr. Apartment: Hmmm, let me just click this button and we’ll know the deadline…

The good Doctor clicks on the mouse and scrolls.

Dr. Apartment: Scrolling, scrolling, scrolling…MAYHEM!

Ariel Hassle: Yes, it’ll be mayhem, but WHEN will—

Dr. Apartment: No, you incompetent preggo, the Super Rabies will activate right after APW’s Mayhem!!!

Ariel: OH-EM-GEE! I HAVE WARN DELIKADO!!!

Ariel turns and wobbles for the door, only for Doc App to roll after her in his chair.

Dr. Apartment: No, no, you’ll take too long! Let me do it! Open the door!

Ariel: I don’t think you want to go down this—

Dr. Apartment: DAMN IT, WOMAN, I AM A DOCTOR!! Now do it or Delikado will burn out and then we’re all doomed!

Ariel: Okay.

Ariel opens the door and Dr. Apartment rolls a few feet out of the room…only to go down the long flight of stairs. His scream echoes the entire way down.

Dr. Apartment: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

A loud crash is heard as Ariel looks on with a frown. Awkward silence lingers for a few seconds…until Ariel starts cracking up.

Ariel: Ohahahahahahahahabwhahahaa…he just…he just fell like a BITCH, hahahahahahaha!! Oh ho hahahahaha…

She slaps her knee and continues her hysterical laughter, until it dawns on her and she looks up dramatically.

Ariel: Oh no, the Super Rabies! Deli! I have to tell him not to go to Mayhem!

Ariel starts to waddle her large self to another door, when her stomach growls and she stops near the fridge. Glancing down at her protruding tummy, she sighs in disbelief.

Ariel: You’re hungry AGAIN?! Oh alright, ya little bastard, Mama will eat some chocolate if it’ll keep you quiet…

Ariel pulls a chocolate Reese’s rabbit out of the fridge and begins to eat it shamelessly.

Ariel: After THIS I go warn everyone. *pause* Heh, he just rolled down the stairs! What an IDIOT!

(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)

Kelso Town Hall

We are now outside the Town Hall, where Sofia and the Nobles have appeared, with some additional bodyguards. They stand before the building as Mayor David Futcher meets them half-way from the building with his staff, before holding out his hand to the approaching group of invaders.

Mayor David Futcher: That’s close enough.

Debra takes the initiative and steps forward.

Debra Mason-Noble: You’re quite the authoritative man, Mayor Futcher. We can’t be surprised, though, seeing as your city holds connection to an “American Hero”. But beware how much authority you press on us, because soon the wrath of Cuban fire will leave your entire world in ashes. Delikado’s catapults will leave you, truly, with nothing Michael Callahan can buy back or bend to his political will.

Mayor Futcher: This city has withstood PLENTY by that damned Cuban’s actions, madam. He may not announce it openly, but Michael Callahan has done much to keep this city pristine. It’s why he’s been the best man for the job of being America’s Hero, and the APW World Heavyweight Champion!

Boss Delikado: LIES!!!

Suddenly, a rather large ham is thrown right into Mayor Futcher’s face, causing him to stumble to the ground but remain otherwise unharmed. Delikado now runs into the scene and leaps up energetically.

Boss Delikado: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-DOGGEH!! LIKE…A BAWSE!!!

Delikado positions himself between the group of his supporters and dances like a kid hyped up on sugar as the Mayor wipes ham juice off his face in anger.

Mayor Futcher: What is the meaning of this!? You are banned from this city!

Boss Delikado: Suck my Deli meat, BITCH! YEAH! WOOOOHOOOOO! Ya know, Delikado never really had a Noble on his side before, and he must say, now that he does, shit just feels RIGHT, son! Delikado feels EMPOWERED like never before! It’s AWESOME! But let’s not forget that, despite the Noble presence, today is all about Da Bawse, Da Cuban Warrior, Mistah Cuba—ME!!

Mayor Futcher: And just what IS today, you psychopath?!

Delikado chomps his teeth down aggressively and hums rather crazily as he scratches his neck and fidgets to-and-fro before the Mayor and everyone else. This goes on for an unsettling amount of time before the Cuban finally responds.

Boss Delikado: I’ll tell ya! Delikado’ll tell ya LOTS! It’s about wrecking Callahan’s city, and L1’s city, and CJ Gates’ city! It’s gonna discredit them like MAD MONEY and utterly forgo any chances they have at winning the World Heavyweight Championship—MY WORLD TITLE!! I mean, heck, if you can’t even defend your own hometown from your opponents, by what LOGIC does it make sense that you can defend a title—NAY, EVEN YOURSELF?!!?!?!? HUH!! Delikado will take vengeance and destroy his enemies to the Championship Throne of Overdrive, and it will either be through the cleanest method, being they step aside and let Da Bawse take his birthright, or…and this one I like more than the other…Delikado bangs EM hard AAAAAAALLLL up their asses and just UMPH! Hard way is NICE and chaotic and hellish AND HOLY SHIT DELIKADO IS RAAAAAAAARGH!!!!

Delikado throws his head back and screams a battle cry that puts fear even in the hearts of his own allies. The Cuban staggers forward, laughing in a demented fashion.

Boss Delikado: Heh…heh heh…heh-woooo….Delikado can see the grand design! APW has led him to this! The final conquest! Then, when the title is around this sexy waist of mine, then the saga will end, and Delikado will be immortalized at long last! None deserve it more than I, and Delikado sees from your building, Mayor David Fincher—

Mayor Futcher: It’s Futcher!

Boss Delikado: That you have surrendered with a flag of welcoming!

Delikado points to the flag he speaks of, revealing it to merely be the American flag.

Mayor Futcher: That, sir, is the symbol of freedom in this country!

Boss Delikado: Maybe in whatever crazy world you live in, but in Delikado’s world, the REAL APW WORLD, it is a sign of surrender, long wielded by Michael Callahan and long saluted by Gates and long acknowledged by his capitalist ways—ALL COWARDS, ALL WHO KNEEL TO THEIR BAWSE!!! YOU EMBRACE ME NOW!!

Mayor Futcher: I do embrace you, Cuban. I embrace you for being totally batshit insane. And I embrace you all the way as I toss you out of this city, as would any other person with even ONE brain cell should you enter their lives!

Cut to an EXTREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEME close-up on Delikado’s right eye as it twitches.

Boss Delikado: Last warning, Callahan. Delikado will “World War II nuclear bomb” your establishment! Through his inner Pope powers, he will damn you to Development Hell for an eternity of suffering! That goes double for your friends CJ Gates and Devil-One! That goes INFINITE for any other haters of Delikado and his APW!

Mayor Futcher: Great. Why don’t you go there then and do those things?

Boss Delikado: Eff this noise, Delikado’s catapults will shatter all barriers in the ring and beyond! It will only take minutes, maybe a day, but all will bow before Da Bawse!

Mayor Futcher: Eff your catapults. I have the United States Military.

Reccommended listening:

A shrill whistle pierces the air and seconds later, the flip flopping US Military has appeared on the horizon and moves in around Delikado and pals. Helicopters, soldiers, even a random tank, EVERYTHING military related! Sofia and the Nobles react as any normal person would, by showing surprise and backing together to give the soldiers as little reason as possible to suspect them of danger. Delikado, however, merely laps his tongue on his facial hair in thought.

Debra Mason-Noble: This is…I…there’s no way he….

Boss Delikado: Hee-hee…neat. What do you think, Sofia?

Delikado looks to his second-in-command, who is perturbed by what she sees and misses the question altogether.

Boss Delikado: Grr, SOFIA!!

Sofia snaps out of her trance and looks at Delikado.

Sofia: We’re not ready, Delikado. Not for…this!

Sofia looks around and in the distance she sees the catapults are still being put together. Meanwhile David Futcher grins.

Mayor Futcher: What’d you think? That you could just move all your crap willy nilly and nobody would notice? Callahan called two days ago and told me to prepare in case you tried something crazy like this. He knew that with it being a World Championship match you were having at Mayhem, you’d definitely bring the heavy firepower…so we all pooled our town funds together to gather HEAVIER firepower! Seriously, this military is pretty great, wouldn’t you say?

Delikado’s fire is quickly fading away in the face of this adversity. He moans and actually grabs his knees.

Mayor Futcher: Something wrong, “Bawse” man?

Delikado lifts his head up. He’s in a flop sweat.

Boss Delikado: Ra…Rabies…..Delikado has the rabies…..most….unpleasant…..

Mayor Futcher: I see. Well maybe you should go seek medical aid, put off your action for another time until your health is recovered. Actually, even better: your native homeland of Cuba isn’t TOO far of a trip from the Rio de Janeiro. It sounds to me, and a lot of other people, like you should return home and take a looooooong siesta. Those choices are yours….as is the third, heavy, US Military-related one.

Soldiers now stand encircling the group as the Mayor walks up the steps of the Town Hall, looks back, and then slams the doors behind him. Charles and Debra Noble exchange looks of concern whilst Sofia grinds her teeth and blinks heavily.

Sofia: Delikado? Should I….Do you want me to…give the order…?

Panting and holding his knees in the continued flop sweat brought on, unbeknownst to anyone here, by the Super Rabies, Delikado grumbles.

Boss Delikado: How stupid do you think Delikado IS, Sofia??

Sofia: Weeeellll…..

Delikado snaps his head up, giving Sofia the evil eye, and she actually clams up. He looks around at the armed forces and stammers.

Boss Delikado: Clearly this needs to be handled in a calm, proactive manner that—

Delikado promptly shoves everyone aside and runs away as fast as his legs will carry him. The soldiers actually just stand aside and let the Cuban flee. Sofia, having been shoved into the mud, lifts her head up and spits grime from her teeth.

Sofia: SON OF A BITCH!

Sofia gets up and pulls out a walkie-talkie as she runs now. Again, the military strangely does nothing to stop the runners.

Sofia: *to walkie-talkie* FALL BACK! EVERYONE FALL BACK! WE’RE RETREATING!! ABANDON THE CATAPULTS AND GET OUT OF HERE!!

Rabid Delikado: “RETREAT?!??!” NEVAAAAAAR!!!

The scene now cuts to where Delikado, foaming at the mouth, is climbing into a catapult that is close by and abandoned. He shoves all the hams that were to be flung at the city and laughs like a man who has finally shredded his last inch of sanity.

Rabid Delikado: BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Sofia, running past, eyes her Bawse as he prepares for what could be his most outrageous idea ever.

Sofia: What the fuck are you doing?!

Rabid Delikado: I am the greatest fire in the world, woman! It only makes sense to catapult myself and destroy EVERYTHING! BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAAAAA! JIMMY BOY, FETCH ME THE SCISSORS!!!

As if on cue, Jimmy Gooch rushes into the scene with an oversized pair of scissors. Sofia tries to stop him.

Sofia: Kid, do NOT give him those scissors!

Jimmy Gooch: I dunno, Delikado made a good point that this would be my greatest lesson.

Sofia: Listen here, you white trash! If you give him those scissors, he’ll kill himself!

Jimmy: But I—

Debra Mason-Noble: Let him go!

Debra pulls on Sofia’s arm, and Miss Monzón looks up into the catapult at Delikado, who has snuggled into the catapult contraption like a baby kangaroo in his mother’s pouch.

Sofia: Please…Deli….don’t do it.

Rabid Delikado: Sofia, your efforts have been noted. Now let Delikado…be Delikado.

Recommended listening:

Sofia’s shoulders drop as she realizes her ex-longtime lover and, perhaps, her only real friend in the world, has disappeared for good. She hangs her head and allows herself to be pulled away by Charles and Debra. Delikado watches them go and then takes the scissors from young Jimmy Gooch. He nods to his young apprentice through bloodshot eyes and speaks through a foaming mouth.

Rabid Delikado: Thanks for everything, Goochie. Now get outta here. Oh, and send Delikado’s best to your Pops for giving us all the May ham he delivered to our catapults.

Cut to me turning to the screen giving a thumbs-up as “May ham = Mayhem” text plays up to cheesy music. Cut back to Jimmy Gooch as he nods.

Jimmy Gooch: Thanks for teaching me, Bawse.

Delikado gives a head nod as Jimmy turns and makes his escape.

Rabid Delikado: Good kid. Shame he’ll probably grow up and marry his cousin. Second-rate cousin too, tot the even hot cousin either. Oh well…

Delikado turns his focus to the Town Hall and the American flag flying proudly several yards away.

Rabid Delikado: HEAR ME CALLAHAN, LEVEL-ONE, AND CJ GATES: This will hurt you…more than it’ll hurt me! FACT!

And with that final shout, Delikado cuts through the rope with the giant scissors, severing the link holding the catapult’s link, and Mister Cuba is rocketed into the air. He bends his arms at his side and flies like Superman as the soldiers all watch him soar. It is truly an epic sight as plain ol Delikado emerges.

Delikado: This is Delikado: LIKE A BAWSE!!!

So epic that Delikado flies OVER his intended target.

Delikado: Well crap.

Delikado flies oh so high, but it’s not over yet…

Meanwhile in North Korea…[/u]

Kim Jong-un sits on Korean throne or whatever as he holds a big red button.

Kim Jong-un: Ha ha, now I destroy world! Dis show dem American dogs for not having Action Packed Wrestling in North Korea! I wanna meet Jason Kash!

He pushes the button, launching all missiles ever had in Korea at America! Oh no! But wait, for the missiles are all HEAT-SEEKING, meant to seek out the hottest thing around, and in this…IT’S DELIKADO! THE CUBAN FIRE BURNS BRIGHT AND ATTRACTS NORTH KOREA’S MISSILES!!!

Delikado, meanwhile, continues to fly from the powerful catapult’s force, and he looks confused as he sees the missiles approaching him.

Delikado: Sooo, THIS is APW’s final efforts to try and stop Delikado from being the Bawse, eh?? Missiles? Oh ho, Prez Jeff and pals, you’ll have to try harder than THAT to stop THIS Cuban! YOU AIN’T GOT SHIT ON DELIKADO’S SWAAAAAAAG!!! YEAAAAAAAH!!

Delikado is able to redirect his movements to face all the hundreds upon thousands of missiles as they close in. In the heat of the moment, he then pulls out a cigar and lights it. Blowing smoke one last time, the Cuban smiles proudly.

Delikado: Goodbye world… just note that Delikado only says that because YOU are the one that is about to end! But not before you hear one final Delikado Chronicle: Evan, take care of representing the good guys while I am away. Gooch Family, go pro. All Delikado’s old crew mates, you know who you are and you’re awesome and I love you. And finally, APW Universe…stay golden.

The Cuban collides with the missiles and nukes and everything else involved…and they detonate in a blinding flash of light. We see a shot from space where the explosion is quite visible. The scene cuts back to the explosions, as any last sight of Delikado vanishes in the light.

And that was how Delikado saved the world. Through his sacrifice, peace and prosperity reigned forever. Like a Bawse. The End.

Wait…THAT’S what happened?! But…but none of that makes sense!

We cut to a cartoon of a Grandpa sitting on the edge of a bed while his off-screen , high-pitched voice grandson sits listening to the end of the story. The grandson sounds none-too-pleased by the finale.

Grandson: Delikado DIED?! But this is a wrestling story! Kayfabe, bro! What the heck do catapults and nukes and Kim Jong Bin Laden have to do with that?! Where’s the title match hype?! Where’s the trash talk?! Heck, can you at least explain to me why those soldiers did NOTHING when they ran?!

Grandpa: It was lunch break. Hey, I’m just relaying history how it happened.

Grandson: But there are so many plot holes! Character development was all OVER the place and disorganized! I mean, if Delikado freaking died, how’d he just show up at Mayhem and fight for the World title??

Grandpa: Check the science explanations and your vagina at the door, Grandson, and you’ll see this story is utterly flawless.

Grandson: ….*sad sigh* So that’s it, then? No more Delikado after this? It’s really over…?

The Grandpa sees his off-screen Grandson is upset and gives a peculiar look.

Grandpa: Well…..

Grandson: *excited gasp* C’mon, you’re holding out! Quit pulling my dick and tell me what happened next!

Grandpa: Mmmmmm, nope, not tonight.

Grandson: C’MOOOOOON!

Grandpa: Timmy, you’re 38 years old, you can wait til I’m ready to tell you more of the story….not that I’m saying there is anymore.

Grandson: Well DUH there is! Delikado’s alive! The adventures continue! Hooray!

Grandpa: Not anytime soon.

Grandson: WHAAAT? *chanting* STORY! STORY! STORY!

Grandpa: Just for that, I may purposely forget the story and then that WILL be the end!

Grandson: NOOOOO!

Grandpa: Then go to bed.

Grandson: So we WILL get to hear more about Delikado adventures?

Grandpa: Maybe. But I need to go study up on the history for a while and put any gems into proper story format so I can tell them to you…that is if there are any. Which I’m not saying there are. Until I do that, I’ll just tell you stories about my 58 years in the table-making factory.

The grandpa gets up now and turns off the light.

Grandpa: Good-night, Timmy.

Grandson: Good-night, Mom.

The door shuts and the last we hear is Timmy’s voice as he excitedly bounces in his bed.

Grandson: Hahaha, he’s alive! Delikado’s gonna be back in no time to kick all KINDS of butt! Hehehehe!

Grandpa: TIMMY, STOP BOUNCING AND GO THE FUCK TO BED!!!

Grandson: I AM, JESUS!!

Doors are heard slamming.

Grandson: I hate it here.[/font][/size]

The End

~Delikado Will Return…One Day~

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