Feedback Please

[Shadow]

I'd like to ask people's feedback, if you'd please.

My most recent segment (From Meltdown on the 20th), and roleplay
apwprez.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=meltdownrp&action=display&thread=17545

Thank you,

[President Jeff]

Check the new added rules for getting feedback

[Shadow]

I will continue leaving feedback, I did not know about the new rule, I apologize. I will continue with feedback from tonight's Meltdown.

[Shadow]

I would like to "bump" this

[Johnny Rebel]

- It was very easy to read. Your transitions from characters seemed to flow very nicely and made it simple to follow along. It's easy to force dialogue sometimes to where it feels choppy... but I think you moved between Shadow and Hannah well.

"Shadow," Hannah starts "I want to ask you just one more question. What are your thoughts on APW returning to the States since New Years?"

"Well Hannah, It's no secret that we are all looking forward to our flights. We've been on the road for six months. I even traveled to countries I'd never visited before. It was a great experience to branch out on APW's world tour. But regardless of where I've been, or where I will ever go in the future. There is no place like home Hannah."

- I wasn't very fond of this particular portion. It seemed like to me that you were looking for ways to fill your word count and threw in something that didn't really have to do with your story. I know we're writing about fictional wrestlers but I'd like to think that we could keep some sort of kayfabe. A monster like Shadow probably shouldn't be worrying about traveling anywhere. He's spent the majority of the interview salivating over the chance of getting those two in the ring and brutally beating them down... but getting back home is on Shadow's mind?

- If we're being completely truthful, I don't understand the Shadow character at all. I feel like one minute you're trying to portray him as this menacing monster that will stop at nothing but in the next vein you're throwing in little snarky comments that make me shake my head.

"How did it feel when Connor Murphy said he wanted to do you during their pretentious promo?"

"I-uh," She doesn't know what to say.

"Do you think he has any idea where the clitoris is?"

Hannah's eyes get wide with shock. Thank goodness this is not broadcast live.

"I mean, would you want to 'Sherpa' Connor Murphy on his never-ending quest to find the clitoris? Hell, the man probably has only see them on the internet. For all he knows is the damn thing is a myth!"

- My first thought when I was this portion was - "huh?" I get the flirting part with Hannah but this was unnecessary and absolutely pointless. Again, we have this monster of a man in Shadow, and I envision this conversation happening on the playground between two middle school boys.

Portland, Oregon
Sunday, May 26th
Shadow was the last one off the the plane. Althought he'd liked nothing more than to charge the plane and exit first, he had to face facts: Shadow was a big guy, this was not the biggest plane, and the only seat with leg spacing enough to accompdate his big ass frame was the aft row. Not seats, row. So Shadow requested a special flight. He last touched down at Tijuana International and changed planes, heading toward Portland International. Shadow was finally home. His hair was pulled into a pony tail, tucked through the back of his Trailblazer's basketball cap. Shadow fit right in. He was just taller than everyone else. Some people suspected he was a former Oregon State linebacker. This made Shadow smile. He hadn't forgotten how to blend into a crowd.

"Baggage Claim is on the 'LOWER' level."

English. He couldn't help but think to himself. Shadow was not fluent in any other language, he felt out of place while overseas. He loved the fans, but he really missed home. He'd shipped Baby home a week ago. She was in storage and he couldn't wait to go get her. But first he was here to work. Then he would go to Jericho and retrieve her. Shadow stepped on the escalator, descending to the ground floor of the airport. He inhaled that Oceanside air.

"The red zone is for immediate loading and unloading of passengers only. There is no stopping in the white zone."

A male says over the announcement system. Shadow approaches the baggage claim and sees his duffle. He reaches down, hoists it up then turns for the exit. As he walks through thr sliding doors a female announcer says

"The white zone is for immediate loading and unloading of passengers only. There is no stopping in the red zone."

Outside the rain drizzles. The scent of the sea salt rain was soothing. Shadow approached the street and hailed a cab and heads for his hotel. He has a match to prepare for.

- I'm trying to find the point of adding this in to your RP but I'm struggling to come up with anything that makes sense. It all goes back to character development - are you trying to build up Shadow, this beast who routinely enjoys handicap matches and the stacking of the deck, or are you looking to make him someone who is struggling to find his place in the crowd? This scene just made him look like a fool for not knowing where to pick up his bags.

- Maybe I'm not paying enough attention but I had to double check to make sure Shadow was indeed still a face. What in your trash talk would have caused fans to stand up and applaud Shadow?

Honestly, I think you're at a crossroads with the character and need to decide if you're going to create him as the full-fledged monster or you're going to push him forward as a face. I don't think you can do one or the other effectively without getting your lines crossed and making it seem forced. Shadow comes off to me as a campy villain in a low-budget horror movie, that suddenly wants to do the right things, but can't quite shake the monster label.

[Shadow]

Rebel; First thank you for your input because it has me evaluating a few things and there are a few questions I would like to ask feedback on now (for any who can answer).

Before I do that, I’d like to answer a few indirect questions that you asked during your feedback and address some speculations. What is Shadow’s angle? How do I portray him? Well on camera (for APW purposes) Shadow’s character is similar to that of the Deadman. Bad ass som bitch who deals in respect. Off camera he’s just a normal guy (see kayfabe comments below). Most of my roleplays focus on respect or a heel’s lack thereof. But yes on camera Shadow likes to stack the deck against himself namely with disrespectful authority figures (IE Axis of Awesome (they had “stage” pull due to their on “air connections”), Sindicate, Duvall etc.) With the departure of Slade, Shadow is now solo. The character doesn’t have friends (aside from former AKA co founder Seann Michaels). Assassin and Dita are scattered to the wind and Slade is MIA (not in RL lol). I have problems roleplaying overseas because I try to immerse the character into the “real world.” Stateside is easier, you can look up actual towns and hotels etc. Foreign countries, you drop a Texan in there and he sticks out like a sore thumb.

I guess no one caught that the airport scene was a tongue and cheek Airplane! reference. Oh well, was worth a shot.

On the notion of kayfabe. It’s easier for heels to play their character in the “real life” portions of their roleplays. They’re mean, cruel and nasty that’s easy to write about and entertaining as hell. But the key thing a wrestler tries to do in the real world is blend in. Because most don’t live their characters 24/7. So what should faces be doing in their time between shows? Working out/training is good from time to time, but can get repetitive. Sometimes you feel like you’re fishing for material. In the old days roleplays were backstage segments, and in ring promos. Now it has evolved and those are both outdated and considered weak (best if used in show). So what have we evolved to?

Which raises my next question of “off air” roleplaying. I understand that the ideal roleplay should focus on A) Your opponent and B) your on air storyline. Obviously I don’t have one (I know my own fault lol) so then what’s wrong with just telling their story? This stems from the fact that I prefer to just free write. I don’t know if people liked the whole Supernatural mashup I threw in a year back, I enjoyed writing it and it seemed to be working for Shadow. But we cut it when we found out it was killing Slade on Overdrive. Any thoughts?

Shadow is not a monster, never was. He’s just brutal; verbally and physically. More thoughts please? Character feedback is welcome.

[Jake Titan]

All righty then! Let's read your role playing and see I can help any. Keep in mind, I try writing more like an author so that my opinions will be vastly different.

CONS: Parenthesis () are always a mark of an beginning. There's no reason to use commas. You're also using a lot of Nouns as sentence starters, you don't ALWAYS have to do that. But when you do use that frequently, it can read off like a "To do" list which can be distracting for the reader. You're also lacking a bit of description and emotion to help transition and show what the character are feeling as they talk, it seems a little robotic. Too much conversation and not enough detail, try sacrificing some conversation and add in more detail about the setting, their movements, their reactions, ect.

PROS: Nice use of color, the only negative I got is just nit picking and that's gray with a dark background. I personally use brighter colors as my eyes can be bad sometimes. I do like the conversation, lots of back and forth and action/reaction going on between the people involved.