The True Story of Total World Domination: Intro

[Delikado]

Some-Kinda-Something-Productions presents
A Delikado Remake

The True Story of Total World Domination
A Cuban Warrior's Tale of Madness and Shenanigans

Brest, France

Announcer: Presenting the most humble and gracious, The Deli of Cuba, Kada Kabutihan ng Wrestling Pananampalataya!

A small applause emerges from the council of Charlot of Brest as the lady herself, head of the Pakikipagbuno Dynasty, sits on her wrestling throne and watches emotionlessly as her eldest son, Delikado, walks into the room dramatically, with sexy cheerleaders at his side doing flips and dancing with pompoms.

Cheerleaders: *chanting* Deli! Deli! He’s our man, holy shit he makes with his hand! Deli! Deli! Yaaaaaaaaaaaay!

Everyone else in the room is flabbergasted and horrified into silence as Mister Cuba “humbly” shakes off the chants.

Delikado: Now, now, ladies, Delikado can’t take ALL the credit. You girls DID bring yourselves to me to be banged, so as to bring honor--and in your case Anne, piss off--your families. It was the least Delikado could do!

Cheerleader: Woooooooooo! We love you, Deli!

Delikado: And I—ehhhhheehehheeheehe*incoherent mumbling* you too! Now beat it.

The cheerleaders prance off and leave Delikado standing alone in the middle of the Throne Room, before his mother’s throne and her multitude of advisers. Amidst the judging mutters of the councilmen and other onlookers, Delikado marches up to his mother, stands before her with a smirk on his face, and then coughs as he tries to regain some composure.

Delikado: Heh. Sup, Mama?

Charlot of Brest carries none of her son’s casualness or good humor as she stares him down coldly. After a few moments, she raises her hand, revealing a group of rings. Delikado snorts at the gesture.

Delikado: How many people kissed that thing today?

A stunned gasp goes through the crowd. Delikado looks around and realizes the people are offended by his lack of respect for tradition. He rolls his eyes as his mother maintains her icy stare with her ring-fist held up expectedly.

Delikado: *sigh* Fine. Whatever…

Delikado kneels before his mother in her wrestling throne and kisses her rings. He stays on one knee as he locks eyes with his sweet mama, in her flourishing, Queen-like attire. Charlot inhales and exhales heavily as silence falls over the throne room.

Charlot of Brest: We hear you faked your death.

Delikado: Couplea times. It’s a living. Heh-hehhhh!

Man: The balls on this prick.

Delikado snaps his head to one of the men, a grey-haired slender man, standing near the throne.

Delikado: Up yours, Uncle Cellios! Delikado’ll take your face and—

Charlot: Silence!!

The thin but harsh shout echoes throughout the large room, quieting the discord.

Charlot: And where is your Championship?

Delikado: Don’t got one.

Charlot: None? But you intend to claim one?

Delikado: Delikado’s entered himself into the Test for the Best tourney, if that means anything.

Charlot: It better mean something, for your sake. You are a Deli. It is a position not to be taken lightly in this family. You do not hold rank and go without a title, especially as the eldest son. Fix the problem.

Delikado: Ain’t no problem, Mama. Delikado just doing his thing, letting bitches think they won, and then catch ‘em off guard when Delikado STRIKES! Trust me, I got skills in these genes.

As if using a play on words, Delikado tugs at his blue jeans and smiles confidently, despite his mother’s worn expression.

Charlot: So…now that you’ve finally answered our numerous letters and have decided to grace our court with your presence, this is where we go from here. It is time to make a statement, to collect on the debts owed by those of the wrestling universe, in your company the “Action Packed Wrestling”.

Delikado: APW’s got debts, Mama. It’s a wicked place, full of scum who think they’re GOOD, that they know REAL wrestling. You name ‘em. The Sindicate on Overdrive and Asylum, the entire brand of Meltdown, all the “Bosses”…hell, even Delikado’s first opponent in the Test for the Best can be coupled with them all. He thinks he’s bad, but he ain’t. He ain’t SO BAD like me, like Delikado!

Charlot: Every last one of them then shall pay their debts to the Pakikipagbuno Dynasty. The name of the game…is a Reconquista. Total domination of the wrestling world.

Delikado inhales, his eyes aglow with a small flicker of inspiration, as his mother sits in her wrestling overlord throne.

Charlot: We will use our pull to make sure the Bosses of APW do not interfere. But it is the employees, your peers, who must experience our wrath.

Delikado: Like the Wrestling Book of Goodness states: Neil Patrick Harris 3:36: “Whoever believes in the Wrestling Son has eternal career; whoever does not obey the Wrestling Son shall not see career, but the wrath of Wrestling God remains on him.”

Charlot: Keep it in your Wrestling Church! We hear how you have taken the tights of a Wrestling Pope, but that has no place in this Wrestling Dynasty!

The council discusses in agreement to the side. Delikado notices and seems mildly offended that his Wrestling Pope ideals have been shunned by the monarchy.

Charlot: But I hear the undertones of what you speak. An eternal career shall belong to you, Deli, AND to us.

Charlot smiles as she leans back and looks at several banners and posters, revealing them to be VERY old pieces of merchandise that carry images of a younger Charlot dressed as a wrestler herself.

Charlot: You are the Deli of our family, Kada. Use that power to squelch the insolence of the wretched men and women of APW. All of them, from top to bottom—be they as high on the ladder as the Sindicate’s Terry Marvin or Level-One, or as low as…as…

Delikado: Leon Roberts?

Charlot: ….Who?

Delikado: Exactly!

Charlot looks confused as Delikado snickers under his breath.

Charlot: Your laughter’s reasoning falls flat on us…

Delikado: Don’t worry, Mama. Just a little joke Delikado and his gang make about fools of no importance who enter our turf. Let’s em know who’s REALLY Bawse! LIKE A BAWSE!!

Delikado’s cry echoes throughout the throne room, electing some annoyed looks from the crowd, including Charlot who just looks at her energetic son and feigns understanding of his randomness.

Charlot: …..Ah….But yes, you will bring all of Action Packed Wrestling under our banner. Return wrestling to our loving embrace, kicking and screaming if necessary. We will tame them all yet. Especially this “Overdrive” of which you have reported as being part of since….?

Delikado: Uh…April?

Charlot smiles in a reassured manner.

Charlot: Oh, well April was only a month ago. There is plenty of time for you to—

Delikado: No, April of last year, Mama.

Charlot’s smile falls so fast, you’d swear she was punched in the face with a fist soaked in lotion that makes it impossible to smile. Everyone in the council is mumbling in utter disbelief at this revelation.

Charlot: A….April of last year…? And you have no championship? You have not reined in the entire APW under our dominance through an entire YEAR?! That explains why we hear nothing of your accomplishments, why the grapevine is so barren! Do you have ANYTHING of value to show us from your time in this company?! What sort of respectable wrestler goes an entire year of his career without scoring ANY major milestones? You bring shame to your rank as a Deli and to the great history this dynasty has built! We would almost consider condemning you with treason and its punishments if the positives outweighed all the negatives that would come of ridding ourselves of you. The paperwork alone…

Delikado: De…Delikado’s done achievements. I’m awesome! I’ve done STUFF…and…and THINGS in this APW! Sooooo many things! Overdrive Champion, “Gimmick of the Year”, “OOC Person of the Year”, which Delikado still doesn’t quite get but whatever, did some nifty Pay-Per-Views…got off some Pay-Per-Views but it’s okay cuz they were a bust. Hell, Delikado’s about to be inducted into a Hall of Fame and—

Charlot: A Hall of Fame in APW?

Delikado: Well…..no…but the point is—

Charlot: Your point means NOTHING then! Earning a spot in some club among a dead federation of your past is without merit if you have done nothing in your present federation, as you have apparently done so! But if you come here expecting recognition for that or your other…”achievements”, then…well…here’s a coupon for Chick-fil-A. Five dollars’ worth.

A guard takes the coupon that is handed to him, and he passes it along to the confused Delikado. The Cuban stares at the coupon as Charlot rises from her throne.

Charlot: If there is nothing else, we shall take our leave. Thank you, Deli, for wasting our time. You may return to the third-world wrestling promotion you have achieved nothing in and—

Delikado: No! No! Wait, Mama!

As Charlot descends a step, Delikado has leaped up and is bouncing with his coupon in-hand. The gestures grab his mother’s attention.

Charlot: Does your company not HAVE Chick-fil-A then?

Delikado: Delikado’s gonna lead the way! Conquer these APW fools! …And no, we don’t have Chick-fil-A….or Wendy’s…fuckers…

As Delikado muses over APW’s lack of fast food joints, his Uncle Cellios snorts in a goading fashion.

Uncle Chellios: Pfft. Conquer the APW? The fool would probably conquer HIMSELF first!

Delikado’s eye twitches and he lunges for his Uncle, even as he is held back by Charlot’s security and other members of the council. An uproar passes throughout the throne room as the Cuban claws like a diva for his Uncle, but Charlot, despite being dressed so regally, marches up to her son, rips him away herself, and roughly smacks him right upside the head not once, but twice!

Charlot: Cease this making a jackass of yourself, or we will chain you up with the moldiest of our French cheese!

Delikado is released by his surprisingly strong mother, and he reels back to shake the stars out as everyone else calms down also. Charlot points angrily at Delikado, her eyes burn brightly to the point that anyone who has seen the same look in Delikado’s eyes knows for certain he is his mother’s son.

Charlot: You are part of the Pakikipagbuno Wrestling Dynasty! Its heir, if you play your cards right, and this means you take initiative and succeed where succeeding is demanded! But if you let everything fall to pieces, then what possibly could you have to lead?! Your opponents will have already won, even if you get a victory, if you squander your birthright with jokes and…whatever you’ve done the past year! Believe it or not, this is a FAMILY business, and you, Kada, are part of the family!

Charlot exhales deeply, collecting her cool as Delikado brushes his hair back and catches a parting glare at his Uncle in the background. The Frenchwoman approaches her son and puts a hand on his shoulder.

Charlot: But perhaps you need to relearn that truth. Yes…a truth that can go hand-in-hand with another task we were about to instill upon you in the APW. Reconstruction.

Delikado: You want Delikado to suppress black people?

Charlot: No, not that. We want you to return to your homeland of Cuba. We want you to use it as a base, to make it a glorious wrestling landmark. There are no noteworthy wrestlers from Cuba, and the island is seen as little less than a pimple on the backside of the American enterprise of professional wrestling. You will change that. You will renew its purpose in this business. The lineage of this dynasty will and your hard work can allow that country, once one of revolution, to change history again, and to become as important a part of professional wrestling as Japan or Canada or—

Delikado: Or the Southern United States. And not the rest of it.

Charlot: Noooow you are showing some of those well-taught ring smarts. But know that if such grandeur, the kind you were specifically born and raised to possess, is to be, you will have to work. Hard. And you will have to win. Serious, impactful wins. No more nonsense, no more second-rate wrestling. As the Deli of Cuba, you will have to become a Warrior. You will make alliances where necessary, and you will gain every advantage possible. This “Test for the Best” tournament you spoke of…you know what to expect?

Delikado: Suuuuuuuuure. Delikado WAS in the one last year.

Charlot: And yet by your appearance, we are to assume you didn’t win……

Delikado looks every way except at his mother as this question is posed, leaving her to sigh disapprovingly.

Charlot: It matters not. Let us put it all in the past, and focus on the future, as guided by *you*. You must become one man, encompassing all traits of a professional wrestler. You must survey this Test for the Best, you must anticipate every possibility, categorize every participant as a potential obstacle, and then you must decipher how you will subdue them and bring home the glory to your native land…and to our causes of Reconquista and Reconstruction. It is a family endeavor, Kada. Know who and what takes priority when you return to the APW. Do you understand?

Delikado: Yup.

Charlot reaches up and snatches her son by both sides of his face. She then kisses him on the mouth.

Charlot: Go and be the Pakikipagbuno I always wished you would be. The kind the wrestling world deserves.

With that final act, Charlot lightly slaps her eldest son across the face and walks past him out of the throne room along with her bodyguards and the court, which includes the suspicion-holding Uncle Chellios. Delikado watches his mother go, wiping his lips with the back of his hand as he cocks an eyebrow. He then rolls his eyes down to his waist.

Delikado: Hey, stop that. That’s your mom, bro…

Delikado shivers in self-revulsion and walks away.

(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)

Tuna Ship
Middle of the North Atlantic Ocean[/u]

A few days after his visit to France and his mother’s court, Delikado sits in a rusted chair before a small desk. The sounds of waves crashing against the sides of the tuna ship is heard in the background, and the swaying of the scene as Delikado sits gives the indication the weather’s heavy out today. Delikado inhales and exhales heavily as he takes out a cigar. He proceeds to light it and puff on the cigar for a few seconds before blowing smoke into the air. He bites onto his cigar and turns on his iPhone. He proceeds to go to the option of recording videos, sizes up the job ahead with a scratch to his beard, and starts the video recording process as he stares ahead.

You know, it used to be Delikado got a nice cruise ship ride to take him from Point A to Point B every week. Big ol cruise ship, with lotsa shrimpys and delicious crab meat. Had an endless supply of hot tail too, but not here. Not anymore. Seems the money well is running dry, salary’s gone down, but that ain’t Delikado’s fault. No, see the reason Delikado’s paycheck’s gone down lately isn’t because of his own doing or because he deserves less money. It’s because management, the GM who runs Overdrive now has decided that the allowance he’s supposed to give his top athletes—me--can go down a couple numbers. And why’s he decided that? Well, apart from being an asshat, it’s because the quality of the clientele APW, and particularly Overdrive, has recruited lately has gone so far down the goddamn toilet, it just seemed feasible to dwell in dealing out chump change, because half of Overdrive’s new roster recruits only need enough to live in fucking trailer parks or outhouses.

*sigh*How did we fall so far, my APW? How did we go from being the top of the line to middle of the road to bottom of the barrel seemingly overnight? Seriously, Delikado takes one look at the new talent this brand’s been stricken with since the draft, and it makes up a good part of the Test for the Best, and he sees his answer right fucking there. He only has to take a look at his own match if he wants to shoot so close to home, and it leaves him wondering…Is a good wrestler just illogical to ask for these days? Is it a crime, or maybe a health hazard to look at Leon “The Virus” Roberts and expect REAL talent? Let’s go to a quick video from Mayhem, shall we?

Pressing a different button on his iPhone, the Cuban shifts to archive footage from the APW PPV:

Once Roberts tries to pull himself to his feet Martin starts attacking him with forearm shots to the back. She grabs his arm and tries to whip him into the ropes but he reverses it. Martin runs the ropes as Roberts goes for a clothesline. Martin ducks it and runs the ropes again before hitting Roberts with a spinning heel kick. Martin quickly climbs to the top rope and goes the Hallucination but misses!!!! Roberts quickly gets to his feet, picks up Martin, and grabs her into the Hellbound Chokeslam!!!
1
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2
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3

Winner: Natural Born Killers

When it’s over, Delikado just snickers and returns to recording.

Yeah. Wouldn’t be the first time that guy’s struck and violated a woman Delikado reckons. But see that’s the problem in itself that women shouldn’t be in the Delikado APW ring unless it’s to bake something delicious. Delikado digresses, though, as that’s another issue for another time, and thankfully Overdrive has no women wrestlers. None. Regardless of that truth, however, the quality is going down among the opponents Delikado’s left with to the point they might as well BE divas with no balls. Hell, The Virus’ girlfriend or wife or sister or whoever has more balls, not to mention shaft that goes up every single part of her body from a variety of dudes every other day. But enough of Delikado’s talk of that bitch and our night together recently. Let us discuss the present bitch, pretty boy with the pretty hair and the pretty nickname.

Now, maybe Delikado’s just ranting—after all he’s been on this boat smelling salmon for a week and has yet to taste any actual salmon—but we’re reaching a point, APW, where if Delikado calls someone a “tough guy”, nine-times-outta-ten they’re likely to take offense. Most would see Delikado as sarcastically calling them “tough” when they got mad, viewing it as an insult on their honor or whatever….and Roberts would take offense to Delikado calling him a guy.

Let’s roll through the credentials you bring to Delikado’s Overdrive, and to the Test for the Best: Rolling in a team called “The Killaz” that has never posed a threat to human life in all their days and could only kill the already-deceased patrons of this world known as the “Meltdown roster”; wrecking the children of the future by naming them “Liberty Bell” or whatever the fuck; looking up every ‘badass’ cliché there is and taking your framework after “Sons of Anarchy”, a show that stopped being good two or three seasons ago; and mixing it all in the blandest of human character smoothies with the billionth and one photoshopped nickname relating to illness or sickness or pestilence or anything that goes in direct contrast to well-being and health because you want Delikado and all his people in his universe to appreciate and fear you as some “dark” being who may well be Satan and his mistress Misery all in one great ol orgy of pain, is Delikado right? Yeah, Delikado’s right. Hell, Delikado could go to one Hot Topic and find fifty of you, but he’ll spare himself the stench of sweaty leather and sounds of shitty music like Metallica—

Extreme close-up on Delikado’s face as he smiles deviously.

That’s right, metalheads, come get me.

Back to regular focus.

Delikado could say he views you as no threat, Lenny, and that he won’t give you his full attention because you haven’t earned Delikado’s focus…but that would be a lie. The FACT! of the matter is Delikado will glue himself to you and the only way you’ll be able to shake him off is to run far away and leave Delikado’s ring before said gluing commences, or, and Delikado thinks you’d be good at this one…you can just lie there and wait for the painful ripping and tearing process to end. It’s like waxing, sort of.

Wax on, wax off.

You fight Delikado on his game, you lose to Delikado on his game.

FACT!

But hell, maybe you think differently, though. Maybe you’ll listen to what some of the “tough guys” in the back will say that about ol Deli—that he’s just a big ol fuzzeh bear with a monkey and a balloon and a pony—and you’ll let out a chuckle. You’ll think “Oh, they’re right, he’s just some big ol fuzzeh bear, he can’t hurt me with mah Canadian Devil Swaaaaag, PRAISE LUCIFER!!” Then you’ll drink blood sacrifice a baby or a goat or maybe a baby goat. Well suffice yourself to hear that Delikado DOES have those things, that monkey and balloon and pony…but they no longer guarantee fun times galore for you bitches. See, because this is Test for the Best time, baby, and upon some reflection prior to bringing you this nice little video package, Delikado decided that the “best” he had been bringing for the people at home and the world around was not the “best” that APW deserved—that the WORLD deserved.

And so Delikado’s back…and he’s back with a vengeance! Ain’t no fear. Delikado’s too emboldened by your stupidity and his Cuban fire to feel afraid, and even if he DID feel fear of you, or maybe of losing Test for the Best against you and being out of the draw immediately for glory…Delikado doesn’t believe in fear, he doesn’t understand it, and so from there he’d just ignore those feelings in his being, because there’s nothing better to do for your body than ignore its cries for help. Let your body LEARN and ADAPT and take care of itself! Take care of yourself, and your body will do its own dirty work! That’s the path to a Warrior, bitch, and it’s the greater passage to Cuban Conquest!

What happened to you? What’ve you got, Lenny Roberts? It’s as simple as you didn’t pay attention in wrestling school…or any school for that matter, because you were out and about pumping fat goth chicks and getting high. Deli? Well as a Deli, Delikado worked every day and every night to get in the best shape of his life, he learned of the warrior class in wrestling, and if you don’t know what that means, it ain’t gonna matter me trying to tell you. But yeah, Delikado trained, Delikado studied, Delikado prepared himself for glory…and he also got high. That might’ve undone a few years of progress, but as it’s been said, I’m back! Now I just get a “little” high…

Delikado pulls out a champagne bottle, pops the cork off, and downs half the bottle before setting it aside.

Now, you might be saying, “You dumbass Cuban, that’s getting DRUNK, not getting high!” And Delikado says in his retort, “You dumbass calling Deli a dumbass, Delikado puts his drugs IN the champagne. Cook em real nice in a healthy mix, get all my vitamins in one!” Can’t help it you “Killaz” just get your high off wearing eyeliner, being fat, icky, gross, untouchable cuz you’re sticky, and just generally failures at ALL GET-OUT’S LIFE! Stick to dying your hair and brandishing that pencil moustache. Meanwhile Delikado sports his chest hair and wicked beard LIKE A BAWSE!! WATCH ME MAKE IT RAIN AWESOME!!

Delikado grabs his iPhone and carries it with him as he runs out on the ship and across the deck. He runs toward a couple standing near the rails, young man holding a young woman as she extends her arms and laughs.

Some Rich Broad: I’m flying! Jack…

Delikado promptly shoves into both of them, causing the man to accidentally let go of the woman and she falls into the shark-infested waters. The young man turns in a rage to Delikado.

Some Drifter Douche: What the hell, you bastard?! You just made me let go of Rose!

Delikado: Well go get her, ya chump!

Delikado pushes the guy over the rail into the shark infested waters and then turns to the iPhone.

Delikado: It’s time to take back REAL wrestling! And you have to be in a particular LEAGUE to do it RIGHT! How do I know *I’m* in the league? Because I’m the fucking Deli Kado Kabutihan ng Wrestling Pananampalataya, and if you think that means NOTHING, you’re about to find out OTHERWISE!! FACT! Leon Roberts, The Virus! The Cure has been found AND YOU’RE LOOKING AT HIM!!!!!!

The boat horn blows as Delikado turns his head and looks off into the distance, where land is visible.

Delikado: Home. Cuba. For Reconstruction.

Delikado turns back to his little camera and winks.

Delikado: And then to Houston. For Reconquista!

The scene cuts to black as the horn blows once more on Delikado smiling, as his land of Cuba lies in the foggy distance...

The Story Has Begun (Again)

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