First Asylum RP

[evanmcdonald1]

Could I get some feedback for it?

[Buckson Gooch]

Hey brotha',

Have you checked the new rules pertaining to feedback?

[Reaver]

here it is in real time as best as i can give it since its been a while since i did 1 of these things. these r completely in my own preferences so dont be alarmed....


without even reading it, i noticed it was bland. for me personally i like when things jump out at me and having to search for anything makes the reader less interested and turned off, if that makes any sense. i recommend separating the talk from the thought.

the first 2 paragraphs were done well. i havnt really kept up with ur character so the small intro sets the scene to wat i can expect which helps me greatly.

i feel like here, ur pushing the "handsome rich guy" a little too much. we get it move on. i would limit it to small tidbits or subtle hints here and there. remember that u dont always have to say it to get the point across. and since ur a heel it should be easier. like give lots of money to charity and it ending up being monopoly money. wat a dick! lol. then again, it might just be the fact that its ur first asylum rp so theres that.

then we have the addressing of ur opponents. try ur best to flow into it rather than being blunt about it. "Next we have so and so". ur target audience r the 1's who will judge ur rp so the better u can transition from 1 subject to the next the better. u dont want it so seem "cookie cutter-ish" if that makes any sense.

1st ill do this
2nd ill do this
3rd ill do this...and so on. it helps to make them say to themselves, WTF!? it almost adds an element of surprise to the concept ya no? u also wanna stand out 1 way or another. everybody in APW (ic) thinks they're the best. kinda like a resume for a job, make it stand out somehow.

“They call this the “Test for the Best” Tournament but I say there’s no need for such a test because we all know that I am the best wrestler on Asylum and Asylum made a very wise decision to draft me when they had the chance, I dare say that it was there business decision ever! Christian, Legion, there is only one route for you in this match and I’m afraid to say that it’s the path that will lead you to your defeats at my hands!”

^^ this here is 1 sentence in paragraph form. 2 at most. i also realize that this rp is fairly small. u have 2500 words so dont be afraid to go the distance, especially for a tournament like this. do some homework and really sell ur opponents on how they got there then sell urself on how u got there. ur a heel yes but even as a heel u can still say a few nice things b4 u tear them back down.

1 last thing. not every "non-speaking part" has to be ur thoughts. try using narration here and there because it almost seems like ur telling urself that the scene fades rather than the reader.

hopefully this helps man......

[Jason Cashe]

To entertain Reaver you must have dancing Monkeys and at least ONE nose being picked...But he gave decent feedback.

[Reaver]

sorry dude, do me a favor and ignore my feedback since im not good enuff to win a match myself. its been 7 months now.......

[B.A. Styles]

I've decided to base the format of my feedback (when giving it to other wrestlers) on the format Darius (a guy I know) used when judging others.

Pros: Quite a nice prologue you have their Evan, easily tells us all your character's ambition. ^_^ The trashtalk was nice and easy to read and I am personally glad to see somebody use the first person style of RPing (sorry if you've used it before but I haven't fully paid attention to the RPs of most people until now). The converstaion Evan has with the women was actually quite amusing, in my view, since I can perfectly envision your character do that...perhaps its because you're using the picture base in a way that makes te base look natural.

Cons: A bit nick-picky but can you personally consider adding some colour for your dialogue, or even just for the action between the words, please? Just asking I nearly damn thought everything was just description, >_> but fortunately I managed to find the speech marks so I still enjoyed what your Evan McDonald character said. Another nick-pick I have is that 9unless I'm mistaken) I swear Asylum is a two RP show so...where is the second RP? Maybe it is your preferrance to not write 2k words every week but a couple of 1.2-1.5k word RPs (one a week) can help you possibly win over the judges, especially in a triple threat match where you can base one RP against one chap and the other against the other opponent. A final con I have is one Darius has spoke to me about, since I do use first person point of view to RP as my "Broken Saint" character (since I try to give all my characters their own style)...and that sometimes the description part of the RP looks more like Evan is just still talking, even if it's just in his head. Perhaps you could add a little more to the descriptions (like expressions or even your feelings while saying some words, just for the sake of length).

Altogether: This is the first RP of yours Ive really, flat-out, read and while there are some points that could be improved...your RP was still quite a pleasant read.

Star Rating: 3 Stars, could be improved but brought a light smile upon my face after reading it.