TTSoTWD: Extraordinariness Has Arrived

[Delikado]

Some-Kinda-Something-Productions presents
A Delikado Remake

The True Story of Total World Domination
A Cuban Warrior's Tale of Madness and Shenanigans

[The following was found 10000 years from now in a Wendy's broom closet]

A seismic impact recognized, yet truly unfelt. Totally unappreciated too. But history will one day look back on the day the League of Extraordinary Wrestlers came to be…and utterly crap its pants when it realizes how foolish it was to outright dismiss the League’s creation.

By that point, though, that’ll be the history of the old wrestling world that’s crapped its pants as it sits there in a broken-down wheelchair, all smelly and gross and full of fail. That’s not the REAL wrestling world. That’s the wrestling world of TODAY, of right now on Overdrive and APW as it operates in its “Before The League Saved” days. The REAL wrestling world will have long been saved by then, by REAL wrestlers, and it will stand triumphant as a golden age in this sport. “After The League Saved.” It’ll become the wrestling equivalent of “B.C.” and “A.D.” in the history books. That’s right, history books WILL be written about wrestling once the League has done its magic. And they’ll be GOOD wrestling books too, interesting and cool! Right now, there’s no physical description of what they’ll say EXACTLY was done, but you can bet your sweet ass the tales will survive longer than any other two-bit piece of history written in Action Packed Wrestling.

By memory, by word of mouth, by video (or Blu-Ray Super-Omega-Sparkles or whatever the fudge we’ve invented a billion years from now), by fucking SMOKE SIGNALS! It don’t matter. The League’s legacy will live forever.

THIS is a real brotherhood. To call it a “faction” belittles its purpose and lowers its status to the level of every other over-dramatic treehouse club that inhabits the APW at present. This is a unit that forges legends, and while it may be a bastard army in the eyes of the Champions, Bosses, and other leeches of APW’s rich kingdom, it is still a powerhouse that will establish a newfound power in professional wrestling.

And to anti-League opinions: they are WRONG! They are not FACTS! They are LIES! They are JEALOUSY! They are ENVY! They are SELF-HATE! They are COWARDICE from men and women who did not take up the flag of saving the world and purifying wrestling before the League so bravely and selflessly did…because they are AFRAID, these men and women of anti-League mind! They FEAR! THEY fear! And soon, those who are not WITH the League will come to find they are not with WRESTLING, and THAT will instill a new kind of fear in them. For they shall be hunted down and the slate will be wiped clean, paving the way for a wrestling universe that carries on swimmingly without their PA-THE-TIC presences!!

It is not by vanity that the League appoints itself. It is not by smugness that the League pronounces itself saviors of the world. It is not on a whim, and it is not by a coincidence, and it is not because of boredom or hunger for power or desperation to get noticed that we united—WE ARE NOT THE GENERAL APW POPULACE! WE ARE WRESTLERS. And we wrestle…FOR YOU!!! We wrestle FOR EACH OTHER!!! We wrestle because without that connection holding us together, only evil could ever triumph in this APW of ours. Without the League, wrestling has no army to defend itself with, and without a defense, wrestling will fall.

And without wrestling…why would any of us be here today?

(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)

The scene opens with Delikado staring into his iPhone, making a recording.

The battle’s on, bitches! And it starts off with the advantage in the League’s corner!

It starts with two warriors, one of the League’s mighty wholesome foundation, against the pairing of a bitch on their period who can’t decide what they want to do with their life…and Amy Zing.

This week’s tag team action, and obviously there’s no better way to prove that the League of Extraordinary Wrestlers is a united front against the evils and corrupting influences of the world today. Some might say right away this is a trial the League faces in its maiden voyage match, against two people who won their Test for the Best Qualifiers last week, but let’s face it…these are trials we can overcome more easily than George Zimmerman—WHAAAAAT UPPPPP! Delikado just went there, and he can, because anyone who tries to suppress his freedom of expression from here on out gets met with a face full of Extraordinariness. You don’t even gotta be a math guy to see that we’re wrestling itself multiplied by a million. People have already shown their jealousy. They wanna be like the League, even if they can’t be IN it. They wanna BE professional wrestling’s goodness manifested. Sorry to say that’s a gift that doesn’t come made, but rather just born.

What’s MADE in wrestling, however, are the stoops management has put together to challenge the League. Big ol Duvall, one of the bitterest anti-Leaguers yet, thinks he can fracture us and hurt us. Can you blame him for lashing out, though? We’re doing his job better than he ever could, and we haven’t even started yet! But what does start…is the winning. Specifically against the Biggs man, and Overdrive’s one- woman show, Amanda Zing. Now see…here’s what fascinates Delikado to start off, because he, in whole honestly, thought Biggs was gone. Like, dead gone. Delikado had to actually be TOLD that Biggs was back after a concussion he got at Rasslemania. That seriously blows our mind. We thought Biggs had been here the entire time and just hadn’t done anything noteworthy like usual. We though his ol stump on a log personality had just fallen on even more stumpy on the log times, and that he was maybe demoted from doing ring work to, I dunno…operating pyro?

Seriously, Biggs? You’ve been gone? Next time let Delikado know. Or for that matter, just do what you were doing and STAY gone! For real, Delikado has a nice dead raccoon he could use to fill your air-time spot on the shows. There’s also this nice wall of wet paint he’d like to give your spot in the merchandise section. Ya know, so it can dry? Please? You’re holding down REAL talent by hanging on, Biggsie. You are a mutation of what the League is to combat, a sort of person who THINKS he’s been doing good, when he necessarily ain’t. You might think this is your chance at redemption for the coma you got to taste from L1, but the reality is by pursuing L1 through Test for the Best, you bumped into a BIGGER monster.

L-1 AND THE SINDICATES—and all remixes they have out—AIN’T GOT SHIT ON ME! ON THE LEAGUE!!

Delikado swears by the Wrestling Gods, Biggs, that he will put you back in that coma. And then he’ll put all the doctors in comas so they can’t tell us your chances. From there, the League will pull the plug and then that’s one less asshole preventing the world from being saved. You are truly a voice of venomous reasoning, Biggs, my foe…and you must silenced. Nobody will like it at first, since you’ve corrupted them into liking you all these years…but in time they will grow to accept that the League’s destruction of your space-headed self was a blessing. And then they will thank us.

“Thank you, Deli and League, for ridding the world of the evil spaceman”.

And we’ll say, “You’re welcome. After all, space is for having no air and dying, and dying is BAD!”

It’s truly a task we’ll have to dance with cleverly, obviously. But hey, what better way for the League to start “wiping the slate clean” than to do away with one of its longest lasting colonoscopies. Get it? Wipe? Colonoscopy? Giiit it? Of course you do, fair listeners. You’re not a fucking broad who can’t even get ready to go to work because she’s too stupid to pick out her best non-existent slut outfit. Maybe we should feel threatened, though. After all, Zinggy DID go and prove Delikado a liar by showing that Overdrive has a female wrestler.

And you know HOW we know for sure you’re a woman, Amy, Miss Playboy Cover Girl? Because we got a copy of your magazine issue and we whacked off to you.

All.

Night.

Loooooooooooooooo ooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooo—hold on, not done, just gotta breathe—oooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo—hold on again, just sending a link of your naked boobs to my Facebook friends and a whole buncha people Delikado don’t even know so they can whack off to you just like Delikado did—ooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooo ooooooooooooooooo ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo—hold on…..still holding? Good, because--ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong.

Congrats. You passed the test. That’s two “Tests” you’ve passed recently…but the test against the League is where your luck runs out. Delikado honestly advises you to stay home and keep looking through clothes. Hell, go to your nearest mall and do the thing you girls do best: be materialistic dingbats and buy every piece of shit there is, even if you don’t need it. Hell, even if you don’t WANT it. That’s just how horrible of a person you are, Amy. You get what you don’t even want. But Delikado guarantees with all his being that you’ll have a better chance of finding an outfit somewhere in the world that doesn’t make you look like a fat moo-cow before you find a victory against Nathaniel or my good Cuban self.

Honestly, sweetheart, it’s called a diet. And it’s found in your lack of eating junk, not on the name of a soda. Indecisive, fat, hell not even good looking really. Delikado only whacked it to you because he needed a break from training and building up his awesome muscles to show off in the League’s first display of physical dominance against you and Biggs this week. The magazine was just sitting there, in a dusty closet behind other magazines.

From the EIGHTIES!

DO YOU HEAR DELIKADO, AMY ZING?! People had been reading magazines FROM THE FUCKING EIGHTIES before they would sacrifice their well-being to jack it to you! But…Delikado’s a warrior, a REAL warrior, and he’s about making sacrifices for the common good. Delikado’s made that sacrifice now, Amy. He made it, like, A LOT of times. He’s got you pinned from every angle. He’s seen you for what you are. He knows the naked truth about you—literally, and you’re so locked in Delikado’s sights, it’ll be a miracle if you don’t get impregnated from Delikado’s sheer willpower alone in that ring come Thursday. It’ll also be a miracle if you make it any further in the Test for the Best.

Maybe you should use this week as a reconsideration week of all your priorities, of your life choices. I mean Amy, if you can’t decide on an OUTFIT, SOMETHING THAT DOESN’T MATTER AND DOESN’T HELP YOU AT ALL…then how can you possibly decide what to do if you become a Champion? You certainly wouldn’t be able to decide what title to challenge for unless it was picked out for you previously. And now Delikado’s going to pick out NEW destiny for you.

Run.

You’re a special little snowflake girl obviously, so Delikado will repeat it again.

Run.

Because when the League starts doing its work, you’re gonna cry. And crying is not becoming in the world of wrestling. It just makes the message, no matter how good and pristine, look bad when a little baby girl is crying in the ring after she’s been hammered down. Delikado, being the gentlest of souls out of the four men who make up the League, is issuing the decree now that you pack it up and escape Overdrive. Hell, escape APW altogether, because we’re gonna go APW-wide before everything’s said and done. And Delikado wishes to do good by the Wrestling Gods who put you, the forever single woman, on this brand by permitting you to get out of dodge.

Ain’t I nice? But then again, you’ll probably be asking yourself, “Oh, should I leave or not? Should I leave or not? Should I leave or—“ and by that point you’ll be standing in the ring dumbstruck, and Delikado will have kicked the last traces of pretty out of that whale’s backside you call a face.

For those who doubt the League’s mission, and for those who feel we’re some second-rate faction, prepared to be made wrong and then some. A new day is dawning for the APW. And it is Extraordinary.

Now watch Delikado slay this giant hamster-squid.

With that, the Cuban attaches his iPhone to a special headset and jumps back, revealing he’s on another fishing boat where a gigantic robot that is half-squid and half-hamster is attacking. He then “cocks” his foot like a shotgun and jumps up toward the demon’s tentacles, roaring The League’s battle cry as the scene cuts to black dramatically.