Post by Jake Titan on Jun 6, 2013 0:01:53 GMT -4
I want to apologize for putting something so short and fast out. I COMPLETELY forgot what day it was and when it was due. So I did my best to put something worthy of being posted together as fast as I could. I’ll do better next week, sorry.
Another day, another odd job, we find Jake Titan working at an office supply store. However professional he is dressed, his demeanor is completely different. Every customer that passed by him was greeted with hostility and little if any attention was given them. Instead he saw them just as numbers and was filling for presumably a sick team member.
One well-dressed business man walked up to Jake and handed an old floppy disk to him. “Sir, my printer is broken at home. I need to have this printed out and faxed.”
“This disk for Macintosh or Windows?” Jake said disinterested.
“Machintosh.”
Jake attempted to look sorry but he clearly wasn’t. “Sorry, but we only have Windows.”
“But you window says-
“Our window is wrong, we only have Windows sir, please get out of line for the other customers.” The man was offended and flipped Jake the finger before leaving and calling him a hood rat.
Another person, this time it’s a heavy set woman who clearly looked snobbish. Right off the bat, Jake knew exactly how he was going to handle this woman. There’s no way this woman was going to get satisfactory treatment.
“Yeah, welcome to Office Emporium, what can I do for you?” Jake’s posture was atrocious, he leaned over the counter too close to the customer and clearly wasn’t willing to help.
“How rude.” She said as her nose turned up at him. “I need you to print these important financial documents out. They are in Window’s format-“
Arrogantly, Jake leaned over the counter and smiled at the woman. “Sorry, but our Window’s printers are down. All we have are Macintosh.”
“But I do believe that you just said-“
Once more Jake Titan interrupted another guest. “What I said was wrong, because I obviously meant that our Macintosh machines are functioning just fine. But our Windows are all currently down, please get out of line and go to another store.”
‘How rude!’ the woman thought as The APW’s Original Gangsta turned away and gave her the cold shoulders. However one of the employees, a regular 9-5 guy with a white shirt and red tie, THAT kind of regular guy ran over and looked at Jake.
“Okay, I have to admit. This maybe your first day, but you’re doing a great job at pissing people off man but are you sure you should be doing that? I mean they DO kind of pay for our checks.” The guy said.
That was funny for Jake; he started laughing and looked at him. “Listen….Roberto.” despite the simplicity of his name, The Gangsta still dragged it out like he was saying it for the first time. “I simply don’t give a shit; I’m just working this to pay off a massive debt I owe to my land lord.”
Roberto just stared at Jake as it was too obviously Jake didn’t care for anyone else but himself. “But if you scare people away, we lose their business and we don’t get paid. You see the problem with what you’re doing right?”
“Oh I know that man, I just hate these rich people who think they’re owed world because they’re rich… or stupid people who don’t know how to work their own damn printer at home.” It was a good point, but not one that his co-worker agreed with.
“I know, I cannot stand stupid people myself but we SADLY rely on these people. Heads up, dude.” Roberto walked away as another man stood there.”
“What do you wa-I mean welcome to Office Emporium, what can I do for you?” The customer wasn’t very sharp, but he did look like he knew where he was.
“Dah… yeah. I got me this here perty disk and I need to print out my work papers so I can get me a job. Ya know, to get me some nice perty teeth and a new tractor for my farming business.” How southern hick was this guy? Jake could only wonder as he looked at the disk.
“Do you have Windows or Macintosh?” The same plan looked like it will work.
The man simply pointed at the disk. “Well, try this one. It’s Macintosh.”
“Sorry but we only have Macs here.”
Suddenly he pulled a second disk out. “Well that be okay, I also got me a Window’s disk too.”
“So you have BOTH Macintosh and Windows?” Jake raised an eyebrow.
The southern man appeared to be very happy. “That be correct there, sir.”
“I’m sorry I misspoke, I meant to say that we have Linux.” The coworker was astounded by Jakes ability to make such obvious lies.
But it wasn’t enough to deter him. The man pulled out a third disk. “Got you cover right there.”
“Sure, we’ll get right on…” Jake kicked out plug to the printers. “Ugh, sorry man but it appears that all of our computers our out of order.”
“Ah shucks… I be back tomorrow then.” The man grabbed his disks and left. Astounded the man was so easily told off, Roberto looked at Jake.
“Okay, man I have to know. How did you do that? I mean I never seen someone make up so much crap so quickly or tell a paying customer off so fast.”
This was second nature to Jake Titan. Being able to get rid of people nice or as rudely as possible has always been his specialty. “Well man, it’s like this. I don’t give a rat’s ass. I’m also a good liar, how do you think I got this job? I don’t give a fuck if I’m fired and I certainly don’t care about I treat people. I’m just an asshole, what can I say? I’m an asshole and I’m proud of it. Now if you excuse me, I want to keep people out of the bathroom so I’m going to make it look worse than it actually is.”
“How?” Asked Robert, who was confused? The very idea of making a public restroom look dirtier and nastier would be an impressive feat.
“Follow me.” Before he left the counter unattended, Jake reached under and pulled out a can of chocolate sauce with a paint brush.
The two men walked into the back of the copy story and looked around. Seeing no one could possibly see them, Jake opened the can and dipping the paint brush it began to splatter all the walls and floor with chocolate sauce. Unable to control his laughter, Roberto howled like a dog. It truly looked like someone had the chocolate shotgun but intentionally missed the bowl at every possible chance. Jake even took the time to make the toilet had feces wiped all over it. However, Jake did take the time to consume a mouth full of chocolate. Before he could leave, Jake did remember to pour some yellow food dye on the ceramic making it looked like the bowl hadn’t been cleaned in months. Just to make things worse, Jake pulled out a bar of dirty soap and left it on the sink for the guests.
The two continued to laugh it up until a manager walked over to approach them. This little balding nothing was very angry and easily showed it by his aggressive walking style and angry scowl on his face. “Okay you two assholes. What the fuck? I’ve had two complains about our computers being down but I just checked them and they’re back up THEN you left the front completely unattended? AND to top it off, YOU Mister Titan were over forty-five minutes late! Care to explain yourselves?”
Roberto stammered out a half assed excuse to check on Jake. Even though it might have been throwing Jake under the bus, The Original Gangsta of APW was a smooth man. Having moved slowly, Jake Titan got up into his bosses face. “Why was I late today? FUCK YOU! I make my own time and get here whenever I damn well please, besides you ain’t my god damn mother! You’d have bigger boobs, man titties. As for those computers up front, those pieces of shit were down but I managed to fix them. You must have made sure they were working because I hate see how ruined out bathroom was. Check it out yourself!”
Worried that there might be holes in the wall or even a broken pipe, the manager ran to the bathroom. No sooner had he shut the door, Jake and Roberto heard what they needed to hear. “Oh my God! What the fuck happened in here! There’s even shit on the ceiling? How do you accomplish that?!”
Now both men were howling at a job well done. The two continue different banter, unable to keep a main focus however Jake did notice there were people in the store and that they were getting ready to come up and talk to them. “I’m telling your Roberto, not only do I take it in the ass like a real champion, better than Belladonna or Alexis Texas but I suck the fuck outta toes!”
The guest who stood at the register was completely shocked and stared in disbelief over what he has just heard. “Hi, welcome to Office Emporium, can I help you?” Jake said uninterested.
The guest just left, however the one behind must have misheard it. Jake elbowed him and whispered lowly to follow. Seeing no harm in having a little bit of fun, Roberto couldn’t help himself.
“Man, I don’t know about you. I was fucking these three prostitutes a few weeks back. I think I got sometime from them, I know these are crabs right here. But does this look like a gentile wart? It looks like I fully developed gentile warts in record breaking time.”
Playing along with the joke, Jake looked into his pants and even stuck a finger down but touched nothing. “Yeah man, that’s a serious case of warts you got there. I saw some serious disgusting and freaky shit when I was doing time back home in America. I mean when I was doing some serious time at Trent City Jail, I saw all this brothers with a seriously bad case of warts. One guy looked like he was growing a farm of cauliflower.”
He looked over to see the customer was almost at the point of throwing up. “Oh sorry, welcome to Office Emporium, is there something I can help you with?”
Unable to control the flow of his bile, the man threw up and ran out the building. Even though they’re doing an amount of damage that was unfixable, Jake and Roberto couldn’t help but continue laughing as hard as they can. However, the manager ran out with a pink slip and threw it in Jakes face.
“Congratulations Mister Titan, you’ve made the Office Emporium history books by being the man with the shortest tenure here, YOU’RE FIRED! Get the fuck out of here and never returned! You are banned!” The manager turned his back to leave.
“Fuck him; I got bigger fish to fry.” Jake said throwing his work gear on the ground.
Confused, as to what Jake is talking about. Roberto spoke up with general interest. “What do you mean?”
“Oh I’m Jake Titan of Action Packed Wrestling. I’m just doing a few odd jobs here and there. I got a big ass match, which honestly I’m not really worried about. I got something even bigger than a second chance at the Test for the Best Tournament. I have a AC Smith, Leon “The Virus” Roberts, Buckson Gooch, Michael Jennings and Dan White.
First off let’s start with Buckson Gooch. What can I say about you man? You’re 300 lbs of fucking failure. Your so called friend Tommy Knox beat you like the dirty little girl you are and threw you aside. You might have beaten me at Rasslemania but I beat your ass first and it wasn’t even you that beat me, it was Tommy Knox who pinned me. You couldn’t win an honest to God legitimate match if you tried. I’m not worried about you because by the time you get to the ring, your fat ass will be out of breath and easy pickings.
AC Smith, some champion you are. You couldn’t find an opponent to defend your title against. So guess what? You got stuck with us. You’re in the right the Natural Born Killaz, do you think me, Leon or Michael are going to attack one another? You got a big dream there, son. I don’t know who you are, not because of lack of study but because I’m not in the least bit threatened by you. You’re just going to be another victim as far as I’m concerned.
Dan White, you’re a new guy. I’m not terrible worried about you, you’ve done NOTHING worthy of being mentioned. You’ll DO nothing worthy of mentioning. As far as I’m concerned you’re just a tiny foot note that was randomly thrown in the orchestra of violence you have to go against. No one will take you serious, and your ass is going to get destroyed.
Michael Jennings, I like you man. You got a real Natural Born Killa inside you. I’m glad we had a chance to talk last week. But I’m not going to take it easy with you. I’m going to fight you with everything I possibly can. So I’ll expect you to have to stab me to real.
Talking about stabbings, Leon Roberts. What can I really say? You’re my partner and been a friend for a while. But that shit is going to get thrown out the window. I’m going beat your stupid racist ass into the ground. It looks like for one time only, the Natural Born Killaz are going to enemies and try to kill one another. I’m excited for this. I’m going to beat the living dog shit out of you. I will beat you so severely that not only will your own children not recognize you but your hot ass wife Demonica will come to me. I’m not saying I’m big into Latinas, but I’m just saying I’m going to down ol’ sleepy Mexico when I’m done with you.
So I’m excited and I’m ready for the biggest match of the night. Never mind that chump Level One and whoever his slob of an opponent is. The REAL main event is the first match of the evening. I’m going to show you why I’m not the weakest link in the Natural Born Killaz but I’ll show off that I’m Best of the Natural Born Killaz and I’m going to get a second chance to win the Test for the Best Tournament. See you soon, dawgs!
Another day, another odd job, we find Jake Titan working at an office supply store. However professional he is dressed, his demeanor is completely different. Every customer that passed by him was greeted with hostility and little if any attention was given them. Instead he saw them just as numbers and was filling for presumably a sick team member.
One well-dressed business man walked up to Jake and handed an old floppy disk to him. “Sir, my printer is broken at home. I need to have this printed out and faxed.”
“This disk for Macintosh or Windows?” Jake said disinterested.
“Machintosh.”
Jake attempted to look sorry but he clearly wasn’t. “Sorry, but we only have Windows.”
“But you window says-
“Our window is wrong, we only have Windows sir, please get out of line for the other customers.” The man was offended and flipped Jake the finger before leaving and calling him a hood rat.
Another person, this time it’s a heavy set woman who clearly looked snobbish. Right off the bat, Jake knew exactly how he was going to handle this woman. There’s no way this woman was going to get satisfactory treatment.
“Yeah, welcome to Office Emporium, what can I do for you?” Jake’s posture was atrocious, he leaned over the counter too close to the customer and clearly wasn’t willing to help.
“How rude.” She said as her nose turned up at him. “I need you to print these important financial documents out. They are in Window’s format-“
Arrogantly, Jake leaned over the counter and smiled at the woman. “Sorry, but our Window’s printers are down. All we have are Macintosh.”
“But I do believe that you just said-“
Once more Jake Titan interrupted another guest. “What I said was wrong, because I obviously meant that our Macintosh machines are functioning just fine. But our Windows are all currently down, please get out of line and go to another store.”
‘How rude!’ the woman thought as The APW’s Original Gangsta turned away and gave her the cold shoulders. However one of the employees, a regular 9-5 guy with a white shirt and red tie, THAT kind of regular guy ran over and looked at Jake.
“Okay, I have to admit. This maybe your first day, but you’re doing a great job at pissing people off man but are you sure you should be doing that? I mean they DO kind of pay for our checks.” The guy said.
That was funny for Jake; he started laughing and looked at him. “Listen….Roberto.” despite the simplicity of his name, The Gangsta still dragged it out like he was saying it for the first time. “I simply don’t give a shit; I’m just working this to pay off a massive debt I owe to my land lord.”
Roberto just stared at Jake as it was too obviously Jake didn’t care for anyone else but himself. “But if you scare people away, we lose their business and we don’t get paid. You see the problem with what you’re doing right?”
“Oh I know that man, I just hate these rich people who think they’re owed world because they’re rich… or stupid people who don’t know how to work their own damn printer at home.” It was a good point, but not one that his co-worker agreed with.
“I know, I cannot stand stupid people myself but we SADLY rely on these people. Heads up, dude.” Roberto walked away as another man stood there.”
“What do you wa-I mean welcome to Office Emporium, what can I do for you?” The customer wasn’t very sharp, but he did look like he knew where he was.
“Dah… yeah. I got me this here perty disk and I need to print out my work papers so I can get me a job. Ya know, to get me some nice perty teeth and a new tractor for my farming business.” How southern hick was this guy? Jake could only wonder as he looked at the disk.
“Do you have Windows or Macintosh?” The same plan looked like it will work.
The man simply pointed at the disk. “Well, try this one. It’s Macintosh.”
“Sorry but we only have Macs here.”
Suddenly he pulled a second disk out. “Well that be okay, I also got me a Window’s disk too.”
“So you have BOTH Macintosh and Windows?” Jake raised an eyebrow.
The southern man appeared to be very happy. “That be correct there, sir.”
“I’m sorry I misspoke, I meant to say that we have Linux.” The coworker was astounded by Jakes ability to make such obvious lies.
But it wasn’t enough to deter him. The man pulled out a third disk. “Got you cover right there.”
“Sure, we’ll get right on…” Jake kicked out plug to the printers. “Ugh, sorry man but it appears that all of our computers our out of order.”
“Ah shucks… I be back tomorrow then.” The man grabbed his disks and left. Astounded the man was so easily told off, Roberto looked at Jake.
“Okay, man I have to know. How did you do that? I mean I never seen someone make up so much crap so quickly or tell a paying customer off so fast.”
This was second nature to Jake Titan. Being able to get rid of people nice or as rudely as possible has always been his specialty. “Well man, it’s like this. I don’t give a rat’s ass. I’m also a good liar, how do you think I got this job? I don’t give a fuck if I’m fired and I certainly don’t care about I treat people. I’m just an asshole, what can I say? I’m an asshole and I’m proud of it. Now if you excuse me, I want to keep people out of the bathroom so I’m going to make it look worse than it actually is.”
“How?” Asked Robert, who was confused? The very idea of making a public restroom look dirtier and nastier would be an impressive feat.
“Follow me.” Before he left the counter unattended, Jake reached under and pulled out a can of chocolate sauce with a paint brush.
The two men walked into the back of the copy story and looked around. Seeing no one could possibly see them, Jake opened the can and dipping the paint brush it began to splatter all the walls and floor with chocolate sauce. Unable to control his laughter, Roberto howled like a dog. It truly looked like someone had the chocolate shotgun but intentionally missed the bowl at every possible chance. Jake even took the time to make the toilet had feces wiped all over it. However, Jake did take the time to consume a mouth full of chocolate. Before he could leave, Jake did remember to pour some yellow food dye on the ceramic making it looked like the bowl hadn’t been cleaned in months. Just to make things worse, Jake pulled out a bar of dirty soap and left it on the sink for the guests.
The two continued to laugh it up until a manager walked over to approach them. This little balding nothing was very angry and easily showed it by his aggressive walking style and angry scowl on his face. “Okay you two assholes. What the fuck? I’ve had two complains about our computers being down but I just checked them and they’re back up THEN you left the front completely unattended? AND to top it off, YOU Mister Titan were over forty-five minutes late! Care to explain yourselves?”
Roberto stammered out a half assed excuse to check on Jake. Even though it might have been throwing Jake under the bus, The Original Gangsta of APW was a smooth man. Having moved slowly, Jake Titan got up into his bosses face. “Why was I late today? FUCK YOU! I make my own time and get here whenever I damn well please, besides you ain’t my god damn mother! You’d have bigger boobs, man titties. As for those computers up front, those pieces of shit were down but I managed to fix them. You must have made sure they were working because I hate see how ruined out bathroom was. Check it out yourself!”
Worried that there might be holes in the wall or even a broken pipe, the manager ran to the bathroom. No sooner had he shut the door, Jake and Roberto heard what they needed to hear. “Oh my God! What the fuck happened in here! There’s even shit on the ceiling? How do you accomplish that?!”
Now both men were howling at a job well done. The two continue different banter, unable to keep a main focus however Jake did notice there were people in the store and that they were getting ready to come up and talk to them. “I’m telling your Roberto, not only do I take it in the ass like a real champion, better than Belladonna or Alexis Texas but I suck the fuck outta toes!”
The guest who stood at the register was completely shocked and stared in disbelief over what he has just heard. “Hi, welcome to Office Emporium, can I help you?” Jake said uninterested.
The guest just left, however the one behind must have misheard it. Jake elbowed him and whispered lowly to follow. Seeing no harm in having a little bit of fun, Roberto couldn’t help himself.
“Man, I don’t know about you. I was fucking these three prostitutes a few weeks back. I think I got sometime from them, I know these are crabs right here. But does this look like a gentile wart? It looks like I fully developed gentile warts in record breaking time.”
Playing along with the joke, Jake looked into his pants and even stuck a finger down but touched nothing. “Yeah man, that’s a serious case of warts you got there. I saw some serious disgusting and freaky shit when I was doing time back home in America. I mean when I was doing some serious time at Trent City Jail, I saw all this brothers with a seriously bad case of warts. One guy looked like he was growing a farm of cauliflower.”
He looked over to see the customer was almost at the point of throwing up. “Oh sorry, welcome to Office Emporium, is there something I can help you with?”
Unable to control the flow of his bile, the man threw up and ran out the building. Even though they’re doing an amount of damage that was unfixable, Jake and Roberto couldn’t help but continue laughing as hard as they can. However, the manager ran out with a pink slip and threw it in Jakes face.
“Congratulations Mister Titan, you’ve made the Office Emporium history books by being the man with the shortest tenure here, YOU’RE FIRED! Get the fuck out of here and never returned! You are banned!” The manager turned his back to leave.
“Fuck him; I got bigger fish to fry.” Jake said throwing his work gear on the ground.
Confused, as to what Jake is talking about. Roberto spoke up with general interest. “What do you mean?”
“Oh I’m Jake Titan of Action Packed Wrestling. I’m just doing a few odd jobs here and there. I got a big ass match, which honestly I’m not really worried about. I got something even bigger than a second chance at the Test for the Best Tournament. I have a AC Smith, Leon “The Virus” Roberts, Buckson Gooch, Michael Jennings and Dan White.
First off let’s start with Buckson Gooch. What can I say about you man? You’re 300 lbs of fucking failure. Your so called friend Tommy Knox beat you like the dirty little girl you are and threw you aside. You might have beaten me at Rasslemania but I beat your ass first and it wasn’t even you that beat me, it was Tommy Knox who pinned me. You couldn’t win an honest to God legitimate match if you tried. I’m not worried about you because by the time you get to the ring, your fat ass will be out of breath and easy pickings.
AC Smith, some champion you are. You couldn’t find an opponent to defend your title against. So guess what? You got stuck with us. You’re in the right the Natural Born Killaz, do you think me, Leon or Michael are going to attack one another? You got a big dream there, son. I don’t know who you are, not because of lack of study but because I’m not in the least bit threatened by you. You’re just going to be another victim as far as I’m concerned.
Dan White, you’re a new guy. I’m not terrible worried about you, you’ve done NOTHING worthy of being mentioned. You’ll DO nothing worthy of mentioning. As far as I’m concerned you’re just a tiny foot note that was randomly thrown in the orchestra of violence you have to go against. No one will take you serious, and your ass is going to get destroyed.
Michael Jennings, I like you man. You got a real Natural Born Killa inside you. I’m glad we had a chance to talk last week. But I’m not going to take it easy with you. I’m going to fight you with everything I possibly can. So I’ll expect you to have to stab me to real.
Talking about stabbings, Leon Roberts. What can I really say? You’re my partner and been a friend for a while. But that shit is going to get thrown out the window. I’m going beat your stupid racist ass into the ground. It looks like for one time only, the Natural Born Killaz are going to enemies and try to kill one another. I’m excited for this. I’m going to beat the living dog shit out of you. I will beat you so severely that not only will your own children not recognize you but your hot ass wife Demonica will come to me. I’m not saying I’m big into Latinas, but I’m just saying I’m going to down ol’ sleepy Mexico when I’m done with you.
So I’m excited and I’m ready for the biggest match of the night. Never mind that chump Level One and whoever his slob of an opponent is. The REAL main event is the first match of the evening. I’m going to show you why I’m not the weakest link in the Natural Born Killaz but I’ll show off that I’m Best of the Natural Born Killaz and I’m going to get a second chance to win the Test for the Best Tournament. See you soon, dawgs!
