RP

["The Hottest Shit Going"]

Inside a McDonalds, the APW world champion stands on the counter which the cash registers are placed. The people inside the restaurant both working, and congregating to eat all look petrified. The self proclaimed JESUS of wrestling has a pistol in his hand, waving it around franticly. People nervous and the man seemingly upset, Lively kicks a register over, and then fires the weapon into the air sending a bullet into the ceiling tiles.

Now you are probably wondering how the APW world champion could go to such lengths. How could he end up wielding a pistol inside a McDonalds with so much going right in his life? Well it's a long story so settle in, and let me take you on a ride.

It all started early that morning the man awoke inside his hotel room. The darkness overtakes the entire room; those fucking thick ass shade curtains are amazing. The man sits up yawning just a bit. Its two days before the Carnage PPV. Lively throws the covers aside, and heads for the bathroom. Being a man, and quite the manly man, Lively then begins to do what most men do when the stand for the first time after an evening of sleep, urinate. Now most people think of pissing as a simple thing, and Lively seems to be rather obsessed with it talking about it as much as possible. On this morning though, the JESUS experienced something that drops every man to their knees no matter how tough, or studly they may be. Michael Lively has just felt the pain of a kidney stone. The aching cramp in your back, as the stone tries to make its way from your kidney to your bladder. A slight trickle of blood exited his penis accompanied by the small portion of urine. To descriptive, sorry, try experiencing it...a brutal cunt of a thing to go through. The man with tear filled eyes, and experiencing excruciating pain takes a few deep breaths. Soon relief and the man wipe the tears from his eyes. He stands, walking to his bag of hygiene. He pulls out a medication bottle filled with various different pills. His "Rattler", every wrestler has one. A pill bottle loaded with various candy like goodies that are equipped to take the pain away. It's dubbed the "Rattler" because the sound it makes as the owner shakes it prior to opening it. What, you never do that...it's purely habit to shake the container before opening it.

Lively's clammy hands grab a plastic up by the sink, and fill it with water. He dumps out a few pills in his hand tossing them into his mouth. The man gulps down some water and quickly gets a refill to wash down his throat. He leans against the counter starring at the mirror wondering to him what the fuck he just experienced. Now we know it's a kidney stone, but Michael; all he knows is it felt like someone stabbed in the back twisted the blade in a circular motion, then magically made the pain subside.

He exits the bathroom, and has a seat on the bed. He flips on the television as he tries to get dressed. This is a big day for Michael Lively. Later on he will be honored by the Male Chauvinist Pig Association of America as Male Chauvinist of the year 2008. An award like this is fairly hard to earn. I mean there is a fuck ton of people out there displaying their hatred of woman, and discriminating them at every corner. Lively did an outstanding job in the year of 2008. Not only did it earn him gimmick of the year in APW, but earlier this year he was bestowed the honor of White Trash Superstar of the Year by High Class White Trash Entourage Magazine. One more trophy for his shelf, one more accolade to add to his collection. In such a short time the self proclaimed JESUS of wrestling has made quite the name for himself.

He exits his hotel lobby to the street. A young man selling newspapers on the corner asks the world champion if indeed he would like to purchase a news paper.

Lively: Buy a paper...BUY A PAPER! Kid, I'm Michael Lively, thee Hottest Shit Going, reigning APW world champion, and most successful son of a bitch to ever walk the earth, you think someone like myself BUYS newspapers.

Kid: Well sir, I'm Tommy Thompson, and I sell newspapers...

Lively: Listen Kid, someone like me is too big time to BUY things. I mean I'm in the level where people just give me shit. This watch...bitch it was free.

Kid: My mommy says people who use language like that are dumb.

Lively: Well tell you mother that she's dumb, a dumb cunt. Now listen up kid let the JESUS give you a life lesson. Listening to women will get you nothing but pain and suffering. I mean look at people like Jason Royce, raised by a woman, listen to a woman, and now look at him, practically a woman.

Kid: Who's Jason Royce?

Lively: Exactly my point. Now you need to smarten up right here and now, quit listening to bitches. Besides you need to loosen up a bit. Try this when I'm tense, I simply scream out the word FUCK, really loud. It seems to make everything bad go away. Try it Kid.

Kid: FFFUUUCCKKKKK!!!

Lively: How do you feel?

Kid: Good.....FFFUCCCKKK!

Lively: Glad I could help.

Now that Lively's daily mission of good deeds is over he moves on down the road. The man walking along the curb when he comes across a fruit stand. He then gazes upon the fruit, looking as if in a deep trance. The man attending to the fruit stand leans over asking the champion if he needs something. Lively looks up, then replies to this man.

Lively: Question there buddy. What’s your favorite fruit?

Fruit man: Well I love Kiwi's...

Lively: WOW...Kiwi’s; of all the fruits...I didn't expect that one to be dropped.

Fruit man: Well I said I like it, but I would have to say my favorite is the Banana.

Lively: So you’re telling me you like the Banana...a fruit that looks similar to a male’s blast rod.

Fruit man: What’s a male Blast Rod?

Lively: Come on, you have to know...being a fruit guy. You know a missile of love, the great yogurt dispenser, a one eyed purple helmet wearing garden snake ready to spit in your eye to show you where he’s coming from.

Fruit man: You lost me...

Lively: Dude...you like a fruit that is shaped like a COCK.

Fruit man: All the best foods are shaped like that...Hotdogs.

Lively: Never ate one.

Fruit man: Pickles

Lively: No sir, I would never put a pickle near my mouth....it just sounds like I'm taking a dick to the face...pickle.

Fruit man: Eggrolls.

Lively: I hate Japan

Fruit man: I think they are Chinese.

Lively: Either way a plate faced slant made them, so fuck that.

Fruit man: Ooooh, and Twinkies...with the creme filling.

Lively: Alright man...you just took the creepy factor off the charts. You did not just say you love a food shaped like a dick that is filled with white creme.

Fruit man: They are scrumptious.

Lively then grabs an Orange pelting it at the man. The Fruit man ducks the fastball type pitch as Lively then begins pelting the man with hand full’s of grapes. After getting his fill the man tries to cross the street. Lively not waiting for a cross walk to tell him when to go decides to brave the street on his own. A dangerous task depending what city you’re in, its population, and traffic flow. This time the JESUS made it safely across, but might not be so lucky the next time. Lively enters a cell phone store to browse the recently new additions to the line of communication. After being asked by three different sales men if he needs a new phone the JESUS flips out. He takes a few car charger cords off the display throwing them in the air rapidly. He then begins throwing any loose merchandise on the floor and flinging it toward the salesmen.

Lively: Can't a fucking guy look at some cell phones, without some asshole trying to rope him into a new plan, more minutes, a text plan, with data capabilities, and a belt clip? I mean seriously this is fucking pure bullshit. I just wanted to check out the new flip phones, yet you people assault me with pressuring sales schemes, it's enough to drive man to start kicking dicks around. And when I kick a dick, I kick it downward with the intent to break that bitch at the base...so who's first?

The men all stare at Lively holding their crotches in fear. The man realizes no one here wants to engage in a modern day dick snapping, so he exits the store. With thoughts of his award that he will later receive, the man’s stomach begins to growl. It starts with the simple gurgle and groan. A few sounds of bubbles popping, then morphs instantly into a full blown moan of demons inside the man’s gut. He looks down at his stomach with such disgust as if he can't believe the noise came from him. He looks up noticing those fancy golden arches. Yes sir the McDonalds trace has just now taken over the world champion. Like a cartoon character he slinks his way down the streets toward the burger heaven. As he gets closer, the smells fill the air. The ever so seductive smell of fake meat and greasy French fries can overwhelm even the most anorexic person. Lively pulls the door open with drool coming out of his mouth. He stands in line waiting for his time to order. He then steps up, looking over the menu.

Lively: I'll take one of those Double Cheese Burger's for a dollar.

McOrderTaker: Sir the Double Cheese Burger's aren't a dollar anymore.

Lively: What...not a dollar anymore. It's a staple of American History...and you fucking people marked it up. I understand the demand cause prices to go up but fuck me, are you people trying to break us. Bleed us dry; take all our hard earned money.

McOrderTaker: Well sir, I'm not sure. I do know that we have a McDouble for one dollar.

Lively: What comes on the Mcdouble?

McOrderTaker: Two all beef patties...

Lively: Liar...oh sorry go on.

McOrderTaker: Two all beef patties, cheese, pickles, onions, ketchup and mustard.

Lively: For fuck sakes man...that sounds just like the fucking Double Cheese burger. What kind of Ponzi scheme are you people running here?

McOrderTaker: Sir would you like one.

Lively: One...fuck it man give me two. But you had better hold the pickles.

Lively then pays for the two rip off hamburgers, and has a seat until his number is called. A member of the McDonalds staff then brings a tray out to his table, hand delivering those McDoubles right to the JESUS.

Lively: Nice service.

Lively then unwraps his first burger. He takes a bite enjoying the all beef patties covered with cheese. Thinking to himself, that this is pretty close to the Double Cheese burger he used to get for a dollar he takes another bite. Suddenly it happens, without any control on the part of Lively. He literally jumps out of the closet as the taste of pickle enters his mouth. With shear disgust on his face the man stands in anger. He then walks up to the counter where he just ordered.

Lively: Excuse me.

McOrderTaker: Sir you'll have to get in line, I'm taking an order.

Lively then takes the cheeseburger slamming it into the mans face. HE slams the order takers head to the counter driving an elbow into the side of his neck. Lively then unwraps the other cheeseburger sticking it right next to the mans eyes.

Lively: Whats wrong with this picture?

McOrderTaker: You’re assaulting me.

Lively: No shit stain, I ordered it with no pickles, and sure enough I bit into a pickle. There is no coming back from that. The thing actually hit my tongue. I am now GAY. This is bullshit, and I am suing McDonalds for everything they are worth.

Just then an officers walks into McDonalds to get himself some lunch after a day full of bad guys and assholes. Little did he know he was picking the McDonalds where the world’s biggest asshole decided to eat as well? The officer leaping into action orders Lively to release the man.

Lively: Listen officer...they put pickles on my burger...I asked for no pickles, and they didn't listen.

Officer: That is very wrong sir, but I'm going to have to ask you once more to release the man.

Lively: It touched my tongue.

Officer: Oooh, there’s no coming back from that.

Lively: I know...

Officer: We are going to have to work this out sir, now let the man go.

Lively doesn't listen and the officer draws his pistol. Lively then releases the man, and puts both his hands into the air. He turns looking right at the officer.

Lively: It's just not that simple officer, I am a public figure, and I can't be gay...damn it I don't want to be gay...I'm fucking rugged for fuck sakes.

Lively then in one motion takes the gun from the officer, and drops him to the ground with a violent strike from the butt of the gun. Lively quickly leaps onto the counter of the McDonalds, and fires a shot into the air getting everyone’s attention, as if assaulting the order taker, and arguing with a cop wasn't enough.

Lively: A tragedy has happened here today. I asked for no pickles, and this terrorist to the American people decided not to listen. He in fact purposely put a pickle on my burger, with the intent to make me gay. He wanted me to take him home, coddle his balls, and possibly polish his shaft. It's not happening, and I refuse to accept the fact that I am gay. Now we are going to sit here until the gayness wears off. So settle in assholes cause who knows how long it will take for this shit to stop.

By this point the authorities, and local news have been informed of the possibly hostage situation at the McDonalds. The outside of the place loaded with media, and police. Lively still perched on the counter, had refused to answer the telephone inside the restaurant. Suddenly he looks out the window seeing someone familiar, Shane West and an APW cameraman. Lively jumps down from the counter and opens the door. The police all drawing their guns at Lively. He screams for West to come hither, and the man does just that with the approval of the authorities. Lively ushers them inside the restaurant, and closes the door.

The camera man trying to capture the goings on inside the restaurant, as Lively leaps back up to the counter once more still waving the gun around.

West: Michael...what’s going on?

Lively: I don't know. I think I'm gay.

West: What...you think you are gay, and have taken a restaurant full of patron hostage.

Lively: No one hostage, these people can go at any moment.

Then in one fail swoop the people take off, fleeing from the restaurant. Lively then has a seat on the counter as West continues his discussion with the champion of the world.

West: With Carnage just around the corner why would you act like this Michael? This isn't actions fitting of a champion.

Lively: What does it matter? I mean the state of APW is sketchy at best.

West: And you of all the people are highly payed...what’s the deal.

Lively: I don't know...the war games thing I guess. It kind of shitty and irrelevant. I mean I'm going to walk into a match with some jabrone tag team champs that well at least one of them is champ because I was feeling generous. Now with Cage gone, who knows? I'm just thinking anyone involved in this match is cursed or something. I mean Cage, Blackwell, and Crowley...what if I'm next. I mean today I already experienced something crazy when I pissed.

West: Did it burn.

Lively: No it was like a knife in my back.

West: Oh shit, that’s Kidney Stones...nice.

Lively: I should smash you in the nose, and then I got into an argument with some kid, whose mother was trying to ruin his life. That shit hit me deep, I felt like I knew just how that kid felt. So I helped him out, and then learned how fruit man loves creme filling shooting into the back of throat. I come here, and then bite into a pickle.

West: Oh shit, you ate a pickle...maybe you are gay.

Lively: What the fuck man...

West: Just kidding.

Lively: So when I layed you out last week, you feel the need to test the waters even more hunh. I mean the cops are outside; I assaulted a police officer, and am holding a loaded weapon that I just assume shoot you with...your not too bright.

West: Actually I was just wondering how you plan on working your way out of this one. I mean if you don't, I think you may have to pull out of the war games match.

Lively: War Games...Please it's going to be like a game of playground tether ball. I mean Jason Royce first and foremost. The former Iceman and recently dubbed Legacy. I'm the only one certified to change their nicknames. Jason Royce, don't bust me up. This is APW offering for the world, come on. I mean I already beat the snot out that fucking douche wad like....fuck I lost count. I know I'll keep fighting him every chance I get turning my twenty sum victories into thirty sum victories. Royce is the pollution clogging the APW atmosphere. I speak of ridding APW of Trevor Blackwell, when in fact it was really Jason Royce. He drove the man to insanity with his constant bitching, moaning, and lack of talent. Royce is the one to thank for Trevor's disappearance.

West: What does that have to do with anything?

Lively: What does any of this have to do with anything? I mean the title isn't on the line, who fucking cares. The title is all I care about. Not Jason Royce, or Streets Wilson. What a fucking waste of sperm this fucking guy was. With woman begging to create children, and dying to become mothers, they had better take a look at Streets Wilson and give it a second thought. A Fedora sporting, knife wielding cock face moron who thinks his way to the top is by simply agreeing with anyone who can get him over. Well the JESUS doesn't play mister nice wrestler. I don't conform to story lines, of gimmick finishes. I make my own outcomes. Streets Wilson the pro choice movement should use you as an example. Looking upon you will surely cement their theory that Abortion is necessary. I mean they might even switch it from pro choice, to kill them all just so we don't breed another ninja kicking Karate kid. Miagi is dead, so is Bruce Lee, and no one gives a fuck about how much Kraw McGraw, or Tim McGraw...or nin-jit-su he can perform in the span of twenty minutes. They will care that I rid the world of another needy, ass kissing, brown nosing ball slapper. They will applaud me for taking out just one more form of waste less space sucking the life from APW. He can walk my way, spinning, whipping his leg out, and moving a few Karate chops through the air. I'm going to kick him dead in those baby balls. Stomp his fucking throat in, and crack his fucking jaw, and shove that fruity ass hat right up his ass.

West: Well those are big words for a man that soon may be in police custody.

Lively: Police custody...please. That’s almost ass believable as Rick the tiny Dick Stevens thinking he might even be able to hang in a match with the JESUS let alone win. I mean that fucking comedy. Fuck Chris Rock, of Dave Chappell...Rick Stevens is in town, and he's fucking hilarious. I could trash him, or run him down. But being a big time superstar that I am, I don't bother myself with lower level, no talent cock lappers. I mean how exactly did he become one half of the tag team champions. If I briefly remember it was Streets Wilson, and Julian Bale...the next thing you know some tall monkey looking dude arrives...and Rick Stevens gets tossed into the mix and now becomes a card carrying champion of APW. Glad he earned it, like real masters of the squared circle like Me-self did. Streets Wilson just up and switched partners, shows his loyalty. I bet if I wanted to magically be his partner, he would drop Rick and take me. Then I could just be the tag team champion at the exact same time as world champion....even I would want a title like that. I'm an opportunist...but no paper champion...so FUCK RICK STEVENS.

West: Actually I think the way it went down is Streets Wilson...no I think BDC came in....

Lively: See you don't even know which proves for a matter of fact no gives three shits about them, or those lame ass tag titles. The only reason I took those fucking pathetic things on was to notch them off my list as the first Grand Slam Champion in APW. Those tag team titles are pointless, as is this War Games match. The JESUS is involved, along with the Natural...that is deadly enough. THK adds more danger to the mix, and toss in the mystery partner...man anyone with a mystery partner is going to pull off history. Although this isn't going to be history really, no one expects them to have a chance...their team is flipping and flopping with each passing second. None the less, it's Team Hired Gunz in their final showing, taking out who ever decides to show up. Streets Wilson, Rick Stevens, Jason Royce, Fyre Angel, Dakota Fanning, Link, BDC, or any other fuck stick wishes for the JESUS to slap them around then so be it.

West: What about Level One?

Lively: Why is his name dropped so much. NO, Level One isn't allowed to come on down...that match is saved for the very special Rasstlemania. This is bullshit man. I can't handle you fucking people and you love of Level One.

West: I don't think anyone loves him, I think they just think you going to lose again.

Lively: WOW...you are fucking stupid.

Lively jumps down pistol whipping West in the face. He drags him toward the back out of view from the outside. Lively quickly changes clothes with the interview specialist. Lively then shoots the camera man in the knee. The man screams in pain.

Lively: Listen douche...I will hunt you down and kill you if you mention any of this to anyone. The man causing the entire ruckus in here was him.

Lively points toward Shane West who is now dressed like Michael Lively. Lively puts the gun down on the counter and heads for the door. His arms in the air.

Lively: He's out cold; I saved the day...the camera man needs medical attention. He got one shot off before I wrestled the gun from him.

Cop: Wow...you are a brave man.

Lively: Fuck yeah I am...the bravest.

Lively then walks off leaving the scene of the crime.