Post by biggs on Mar 26, 2010 9:01:52 GMT -4
The familiar sound of Depeche Mode's “Space Walker” plays as the words “First Contact” flash across the starry background. It then switches to Biggs, Ellie, and Chris Cyrus in the normal First Contact studio, complete with the blue leather couch and massive LED screen behind them. Ellie is seated between the two men, dressed in a sensible lavender blouse with black pants, while Biggs and Cyrus are in their ring gear. Cyrus is also sporting the “GMs of Overdrive” shirt he had delivered in the mail earlier in the week. Biggs begins to speak.
Biggs: Ladies and gentlemen, one and all, welcome to the absolute greatest wrestling web show the world has ever seen, Biggs' First Contact. Of course, I am your host, Biggs, joined by my gorgeous fiance Ellie, and my tag team partner, who is quite simply awesome, Chris Cyrus!
Cyrus stands up to take a bow, and Ellie tugs on his arm to prompt him to sit back down. Biggs has a slightly serious look on his face as he continue to talk.
Biggs: I have a lot to say tonight, so let's get right down to business. It is with a heavy heart that I announce that this may very well be the last episode of First Contact for a while, as once Chris Cyrus and I are victorious this Sunday at RassleMania, we will be far to busy running Overdrive to be able to produce this show the quality standards that I strive for each week. Simply put, I'd rather not do the show if I know that the circumstances dictate that I won't be able to put out the absolute best show I can. That being said, I realize that the circumstances of mine and Cyrus' match at RassleMania against The Perfect Storm are less than ideal for us putting on the best show possible, considering the quality of our opposition. If the stakes for this match weren't so high, I'd be pissed that I was making my RassleMania debut against the likes of President Jeff and Dr. Matt, but the opportunity, the right to control Overdrive, to make things the way I want them to be, well, that's just too good of an opportunity to pass up. However, I don't think opportunity is the correct word, because the word itself implies that Cyrus and I might not attain that which we seek, but let's face it, there's no “if” about us emerging victorious against the Imperfect Storm this Sunday. How can there be? The simple fact of the matter is that Chris Cyrus and I have absolutely every advantage heading into this match up. It's as if all we need to do to gain full control of Overdrive is simply show up to the match, because President Jeff and Dr. Matt will pose us no challenge at all, not in the slightest.
Cyrus: Nope! They suck!
Biggs: Let me start with President Jeff. Jeff, I do have to give credit where credit is due, and acknowledge that you did create APW, that you are the mastermind of this prestigious fed, and for that, I must give you some respect. The problem is, Jeff, is that you weren't merely content with creative force behind this place, but you put it upon yourself to be the center of attention, using your company as a means to expand your stardom, and as such, your ego. Now you may be saying to yourself, “Well, I don't put myself in the main event matches, and I haven't wrestled for a title in ages. How can I be the center of attention here in APW?” Allow me to explain my logic, Jeff, because it is quite simple, almost as simple as you, in fact. The bottom line is Jeff, that you make a habit to exert your authority at every chance you get, showing shameless favoritism to the fan favorites. Even when Max Carter was the GM, you would sit by and let all of his decisions stand, regardless of how one-sided and inherently unfair they were. The examples are endless. Off of the top of my head, I can think of how you forced Level-One to defend his title against Jesse Nunez in a match where not only was he forced to pin Jesse for 6 seconds instead of the traditional 3, but also allowed Pence Featherlight to officiate the contest! In mine and Cyrus' conflict with the AKA, you allowed Carter to force us into a Steel Cage and Blaze of Glory match respectively, with the intent of giving Shadow and Slade Craven the edge they needed come out on top. Also, need I remind you about the Double Title Ladder Match where Cyrus and I were forced to defend our titles in such an unpredictable and dangerous match? The simple fact is Jeff is that you have always had a soft spot for the guys who actually give two pieces of monkey crap about the fans, and you've let this bias shine through loud and clear. In my view, you've done this to endear yourself to the fans, to be viewed as the cool boss in their eyes. But if your month under EWC capture proved anything, it showed that APW is bigger than you, and can survive without you. In fact, it thrived! While Cyrus, Level-One, and yours truly were in charge, ratings soared! But upon your return, you denied Cyrus and I the same rights and privileges you granted that turn coat Max Carter, if only because unlike you and that louse, we were fair with our judgment, we were fair with our decrees! If they seemed biased, it was only because we were giving the fair shake to those who had been on the wrong end of your prior decrees! Jeff, you have said that the only reason Chris Cyrus and myself want to control Overdrive is for our own selfish gain. This couldn't be further from the truth...
Cyrus: Yeah, it couldn't be any further from the truth!
Ellie: Not even close!
Biggs: (turns towards Ellie and Cyrus) Thank you, peanut gallery. (Back to facing the camera) The fact is Jeff, we're not just doing this for ourselves. We're doing it for fairness, for justice, to ensure that APW is run in a way that is beneficial to the league as a whole. Your leadership style panders to lowest common denominator, trying to appease the sheep like fans who will support whoever you tell them to support, even if they are more unseemly as those of us the fans choose to hate. Let's look at your little golden boy, Pence Weatherlight. Not only have you given him chance after chance to fight Level-One for the APW Heavyweight Championship, but you also let him run amok in a mask, reeking havoc on the champion to secure an unearned title shot at the biggest pay per view of the year! Not only that, but you allowed him to vacate the Overdrive Championship in order to do so! I spent too long trying to bring glory and prestige to that belt for it to be discarded so unceremoniously by arguably the most self-serving man APW has ever seen. And you not only allow it, Jeff, you celebrate it. Had you allowed Cyrus and myself the full rights and powers we are afforded under our General Manager contracts, we never would have let Pence run around, wrecking havoc week in and week out. We would have had him apprehended by security, and unmasked right then and there, showing him to be the coward he is a whole heck of a lot sooner. Jeff, I think you knew who the masked man was all along, and because it was your man crush, Pence, you let him get away with it. Unlike you, Jeff, Cyrus and I would fair in our use of authority, we would be shinning beacons of morality and integrity.
Cyrus: You might be, but I know I'd abuse it, if only to have Cindy Shannon dress all sexy again! That was hot!
Biggs: Okay, I will be a shinning beacon of morality and integrity, while my partner will be a pervball! But the fact is, Jeff, your tyranny is almost at an end. Because lucky for Cyrus and me, you wrestle even worse than your run Overdrive! When was the last time you won a match? I haven't seen you win one yet! You were embarrassed by Michael Lively, you were kidnapped by Big Mac's goons, and this Sunday, you will once again be humiliated in the middle of that ring by the most dominant duo this sport has ever seen. Jeff, at one time you may have been a competent competitor, but the fact is that you've been a front office fat cat for so long that your skills have regressed, that you've gotten soft. The bottom line, President Jeff, is that your are far too out of shape and far too lacking in skill to even be a threat to Chris Cyrus or myself. And your partner, Dr. Matt, well he's in even worse condition! Jeff, of all the people you could have picked to help you out, you picked a worn down, battle scarred, pudgy old man. Dr. Matt himself admitted as much! But what can we expect from a man who has shown such poor judgment so regularly as you have, Jeff? This choice is in line with your other inane decisions, and will only benefit mine and Cyrus' cause.
Biggs and Cyrus give each other daps before Biggs continues speaking.
Biggs: And speaking of Dr. Matt, I have to acknowledge that at one time, you were one of the toughest customers in the business. You are being inducted into the APW Hall of Fame for a reason.
Ellie: At least we have to keep telling ourselves that so we don't throw up in our mouths!
Cyrus: Too late...
Cyrus leans off camera and looks like he's throwing up, making the requisite puking noises. Biggs and Ellie have disgusted looks on their faces.
Biggs: Please go freshen up. The bathroom is down the hall. Also, janitor, do your job! Pronto!
Cyrus rushes off camera, and a heavyset man in coveralls runs up with a mop, standing right in front of the camera and obstructing the view of Ellie and Biggs. They are obviously agitated.
Biggs: Off camera! Off camera, you nincompoop!
Janitor: Sorry, man.
He steps out of view.
Biggs: Sorry, folks, live webcast. Still back to Dr. Matt, let's be honest here, Matt, you've admitted that you're past your prime, but you think that you still have what it takes to step up to Cyrus and myself, even if for just one night. Well, you could, if Cyrus and I decided that for one night we'd completely ignore the fact that we are two of the most talented wrestlers in the world today, not to mention two of the most prideful. The fact is Dr. Matt, the only chance you have against us is if we show you sympathy and go easy on you. As mentioned before, the stakes in this match are simply too high for that to be a possibility. We could care less about what you were, because we are facing what you are now, and what that is is a very dim shadow of the man you once were. When you were in your prime, you were a force to be reckoned with. It's just that your prime was so long ago that it makes the Cretaceous period seem like five minutes ago! Bottom line, Dr. Matt, you have become what in wrestling circles is called the “veteran,” which is a nice way of saying that you're a broken down wrestler who is incapable of competing at a high level. You're the type of guy who used to be the bee's knees, the top guy, but you've past your expiration date. You're like the old dog that we're going to have to take behind the shed and go all Old Yeller on. We realize that the fans won't like this, we realize that the fans don't want to see that happen, but we have to be realistic here, Dr. Matt, you have put yourself in a situation that no matter how it ends up, you're going to be worse for it. The fact is that you are stepping into the ring with the most dominant duo this sport has ever seen. We're a lot more dangerous than people give us credit for. Not only are we responsible for running the AKA out of APW, but we permanently put The Beast on the shelf. And these are full time competitors. Just imagine what we'll be able to do to you, a man who hasn't been in the ring since last year's RassleMania. All the training with the inbred, redneck wrestlers won't help you. I'm not saying that Cyrus and I are going into RassleMania with the intent to seriously injure you, I'm just saying that you're risking a lot by stepping into the ring with us. We will show you no sympathy, we will show you no mercy, because you stand between us and our objective.
Biggs removes his shades, and looks seriously into the camera. At this point, Cyrus returns, with his hands wet, and rubs them across Ellie's cheeks. She squeals in disgust.
Cyrus: Don't you just hate it when you pee on your hands!
At this point, Biggs cracks up, and starts laughing hysterically, and Cyrus joins him, while Ellie glares at her fiance. It takes Biggs a few moments to realize that Ellie's upset with him, and once he sees her angry face, he immediately stops laughing.
Biggs: Well, it was funny...(turning back to the camera)Almost as funny as Dr. Matt's thought process. Matt, I understand that you want to help your friend, that you want one more shot at immortality at RassleMania. I can respect that. What I don't understand is your thought process thinking that the two of you have a chance at beating the Axis of Awesome. You decided to join President Jeff after we permanently ended the Beast's career. The Beast! But then again, you do still live in your parents' basement, which tells me one of two things, either you were undisciplined with your finances that you earned wrestling and with no other discernible skills, you've become a permanent burden on your folks. That, or you have mommy issues. Any way you slice it, Dr. Matt, you're pathetic. You may have once been great, but even at your best, you weren't great enough to step up to Cyrus or myself, and now that you're a shell of your former self, you're even worse off. Bottom line, this match up at RassleMania can't truthfully be called a match, rather, the term one-sided slaughter is more accurate. To sum things up, President Jeff, you are worse at wrestling than you are running a wrestling company, and you're not even good at that. Dr. Matt, you're worn down and ineffective. You are going against the most talented, the most intelligent, the most dynamic, and dare I say most handsome wrestlers the world has ever seen. You guys may have been a force to be reckoned with back in the day, but we are a force to be reckoned with. The past means nothing in the heat of competition, the past is irrelevant. All that will matter at RassleMania is the present, and in the present, we are simply superior to you in every single way. Deal with it, accept it, because we are AWESOME!
Cyrus: Also, if you think that by adding Slade as the special guest enforcer will actually tangibly help you in any way, you're sorely mistaken! He's even more beat up and worn down than Dr. Matt! One shot and he's out!
Biggs: Exactly. Slade has orders from his doctors to not get physically involved, and while we expect him to ignore those orders, realistically he has the ability to get one, maybe two good shots in before we take him down for good. Jeff, as much of an advantage as you think Slade Craven will supply, he'll actually be more of a liability to your cause rather than a help. Had you picked Shadow, things may have been different, but you didn't! But then again, this decision is consistent with your penchant for making really bad choices, so we can't be surprised by it. Just like how you and Dr. Matt shouldn't be surprised that there's really only one way that our match this Sunday can end, and that is with The Axis of Awesome's arms being raised in victory, claiming our rights and responsibilities as Overdrive General Managers. It's a shame that it had to come to this for us to validate our contracts, it's a shame that we have to beat up a has-been and our boss in order to be able to actually do our jobs. But as Machiavelli says, “The ends justify the means,” even if it means we have to do something we won't be proud of. The fact is, Jeff, it won't be much of an accomplishment for Cyrus and myself to beat the two of you. It's inevitable that we will, so this match really is a mere formality. But just because the outcome is obvious, don't think that Chris and I won't give it our all. We intend on embarrassing you at your greatest creation, President Jeff, and the fact that we get to prove just how washed up Dr. Matt is is just a bonus. The only thing making this match worthwhile is the reward we shall receive upon our victory. And because of that, you can expect Chris Cyrus and I to give the performances of our life, creating our RassleMania moments, whereas Jeff and Matt, you two may try with all your heart, body, and soul, but you'll just end up being humbled in front of thousands of people in the arena, and the millions watching from home. Bottom line, you two don't stand a chance, because the Axis of Awesome is quite simply out of this world!
At this point, the words “Shameless Plug of the Week” flash across the bottom of the screen.
Biggs: Now I wasn't going to do a Shameless Plug of the Week because I didn't think I'd have the time to following my rant about mine and Cyrus' RassleMania opposition, but considering that this probably will be the last episode of First Contact for the foreseeable future, if I don't plug this week's item now, I probably never will. So, without further ado, my shameless plug of the week is for Square-Enix's Final Fantasy XIII! I gotta be honest, I haven't had as much time to play it as I would like to, but whenever I'm not devoting myself to my career, I've been playing this game! Ellie and I haven't been on a date in weeks, that how great this game is!
Ellie: I don't mind, either, because I've been playing it too! I'm a lot further than him.
Ellie lets out her infectious giggle as Biggs smiles.
Biggs: There are some complaints that the game starts slow, and I will admit that it does take a bit for the battle system to open up. However, once it does, this game is a total blast! Unfortunately, that's about all the time we have this week for First Contact, for Chris Cyrus and Ellie, this is Biggs signing off, perhaps for the last time. Just remember to keep watching the stars!
“Spacewalker” plays again as First Contact fades to black. The APW logo and copyright flash across the screen.
***
A few hours after filming First Contact, the trio of Chris Cyrus, Ellie, and Gary Biggerstaff are all chilling at Gary's home, eating a chicken casserole that Gary prepared for them. They are seated around the dining room table, discussing plans for Gary and Ellie's upcoming wedding.
Cyrus: You guys seriously haven't picked a date yet? Well, at least that gives me more time to plan the bachelor party!
Gary: What makes you think that you're gonna be the best man, Chris?
Cyrus: Well, it's just about as obvious as our victory this upcoming Sunday! Just like you and I are the only men who are capable of being Overdrive GMs, I'm really the only guy qualified to be your best man, because I am simply the best!
Gary: Well, you do bring up a good point, but I do have a brother, and my mom would be awfully sore if I didn't pick him to be my best man. Not that you wouldn't be my pick, because you are my best friend, but between keeping my mom happy and Ellie's plans for your involvement in the wedding, it's just not meant to be...
Cyrus looks at Ellie nervously, as a devious grin crosses her face. He then looks at Biggs, who shrugs a bit, and then back at Ellie, who's still grinning.
Cyrus: (meekly) Ellie's plans?
Ellie: Yep! You see, Chris, being on the road with you guys, I don't get the chance to meet very many women with whom I can actually form a meaningful friendship, and as there aren't really any other women in APW that I've really bonded with save for Cindy Shannon...
Cyrus interrupts her.
Cyrus: I'd sure love to bond with Cindy myself, if you know what I mean! Eh, eh!
Ellie: I'm not surprised by that in the slightest. Still, since I don't have any real, deep friends on the road, and I've lost contact with a great number of my college classmates, I ran this idea past Gary first, and I've picked you to be my Man of Honor!
Cyrus' jaw drops at the revelation. He's silent for a moment, as Gary and Ellie have smirks on their faces. After a few moments, Cyrus speaks again.
Cyrus: Really? REALLY?!
Ellie: Don't worry, you won't have to wear a dress. You'll be dressed just like the groomsmen. Gary and I gave it some serious discussion, and when it came time to make my decision, I realize that other than Gary, you're the best friend I have, and it would please me to no end to have you as my Man of Honor. You're not upset by that, are you?
Cyrus: Upset? No! Not at all! This is great! I'll be the only guy at the bachelorette party! That means I'll have my pick of all the ladies in the wedding party! Woohoo!
Cyrus gets up and does a little victory dance, celebrating the news. Gary turns to Ellie and whispers to her.
Gary: I told you he'd be fired up, didn't I?
Ellie: (giggling) Yep! Speaking of which, we still need to figure out when and where we're going to get married. Also, we need to find a minister. I've never really been a church goer, but everybody gets married by ministers, unless they go see a judge, and we don't want to settle for that.
Gary places his hands around Ellie's hands, trying to comfort and reassure her.
Gary: We still have plenty of time, hon. We haven't set the date yet, so we actually have all the time we want to plan this thing right...
Ellie: What's that supposed to mean? Are you saying we're going to delay the wedding? Are you saying that you don't want to marry me as soon as possible?!
Gary: (sheepishly) No, no! I'm not saying that at all! I want to marry you right away if I could, but the fact is that we have the means to do this wedding as big or little as we'd like, and considering how important this day is to the both of us, I want to make sure we do it right. I want it to be as grand as you've imagined it to be since you were a little girl, and while I know that you've been planning for your wedding day pretty much your entire life, as all girls do, I want to take the time to make sure that we can pull off the logistics and whatnot in a way that exceeds your expectations!
Ellie's heart melts at this, and she gives Gary a big hug as Cyrus is still dancing around. He's made his way to the living room, and Gary and Ellie can hear his hooting and hollering from the other room. They laugh a bit, and continue to talk.
Gary: As for the part about the minister, let me take care of that. I may know just the guy for the job. Remember, our wedding day will be for the both of us, you don't have to do everything by yourself to make sure that this wedding will be awesome.
Ellie: Okay. I'll let you take care of that then. Still, there's a lot of other things we need to decide, like how big of a reception do we want, what song will be we play during our first dance, do we want chocolate cake?
Gary chuckles to himself as Ellie keeps rattling off elements of the wedding that still need to be discussed. There's a veritable laundry list of things they need to decide, least of all is the time and place. Still, Gary smiles as he looks at his future wife, and thinks about how grateful he is to have met her.
A few hours later, after Ellie has gone out to the guest house for the night and Cyrus has crashed in the guest room of Gary's house, Gary sits at his desk in his office with his cell phone slid open. He has highlighted a name and number in his address book, and has been sitting there for about 15 minutes before he decides to hit the send button, making the call. The phone ring a couple of times before it's answered.
Gary: Hey, Jay, it's Gary. There's something I need to talk to you about...
Biggs: Ladies and gentlemen, one and all, welcome to the absolute greatest wrestling web show the world has ever seen, Biggs' First Contact. Of course, I am your host, Biggs, joined by my gorgeous fiance Ellie, and my tag team partner, who is quite simply awesome, Chris Cyrus!
Cyrus stands up to take a bow, and Ellie tugs on his arm to prompt him to sit back down. Biggs has a slightly serious look on his face as he continue to talk.
Biggs: I have a lot to say tonight, so let's get right down to business. It is with a heavy heart that I announce that this may very well be the last episode of First Contact for a while, as once Chris Cyrus and I are victorious this Sunday at RassleMania, we will be far to busy running Overdrive to be able to produce this show the quality standards that I strive for each week. Simply put, I'd rather not do the show if I know that the circumstances dictate that I won't be able to put out the absolute best show I can. That being said, I realize that the circumstances of mine and Cyrus' match at RassleMania against The Perfect Storm are less than ideal for us putting on the best show possible, considering the quality of our opposition. If the stakes for this match weren't so high, I'd be pissed that I was making my RassleMania debut against the likes of President Jeff and Dr. Matt, but the opportunity, the right to control Overdrive, to make things the way I want them to be, well, that's just too good of an opportunity to pass up. However, I don't think opportunity is the correct word, because the word itself implies that Cyrus and I might not attain that which we seek, but let's face it, there's no “if” about us emerging victorious against the Imperfect Storm this Sunday. How can there be? The simple fact of the matter is that Chris Cyrus and I have absolutely every advantage heading into this match up. It's as if all we need to do to gain full control of Overdrive is simply show up to the match, because President Jeff and Dr. Matt will pose us no challenge at all, not in the slightest.
Cyrus: Nope! They suck!
Biggs: Let me start with President Jeff. Jeff, I do have to give credit where credit is due, and acknowledge that you did create APW, that you are the mastermind of this prestigious fed, and for that, I must give you some respect. The problem is, Jeff, is that you weren't merely content with creative force behind this place, but you put it upon yourself to be the center of attention, using your company as a means to expand your stardom, and as such, your ego. Now you may be saying to yourself, “Well, I don't put myself in the main event matches, and I haven't wrestled for a title in ages. How can I be the center of attention here in APW?” Allow me to explain my logic, Jeff, because it is quite simple, almost as simple as you, in fact. The bottom line is Jeff, that you make a habit to exert your authority at every chance you get, showing shameless favoritism to the fan favorites. Even when Max Carter was the GM, you would sit by and let all of his decisions stand, regardless of how one-sided and inherently unfair they were. The examples are endless. Off of the top of my head, I can think of how you forced Level-One to defend his title against Jesse Nunez in a match where not only was he forced to pin Jesse for 6 seconds instead of the traditional 3, but also allowed Pence Featherlight to officiate the contest! In mine and Cyrus' conflict with the AKA, you allowed Carter to force us into a Steel Cage and Blaze of Glory match respectively, with the intent of giving Shadow and Slade Craven the edge they needed come out on top. Also, need I remind you about the Double Title Ladder Match where Cyrus and I were forced to defend our titles in such an unpredictable and dangerous match? The simple fact is Jeff is that you have always had a soft spot for the guys who actually give two pieces of monkey crap about the fans, and you've let this bias shine through loud and clear. In my view, you've done this to endear yourself to the fans, to be viewed as the cool boss in their eyes. But if your month under EWC capture proved anything, it showed that APW is bigger than you, and can survive without you. In fact, it thrived! While Cyrus, Level-One, and yours truly were in charge, ratings soared! But upon your return, you denied Cyrus and I the same rights and privileges you granted that turn coat Max Carter, if only because unlike you and that louse, we were fair with our judgment, we were fair with our decrees! If they seemed biased, it was only because we were giving the fair shake to those who had been on the wrong end of your prior decrees! Jeff, you have said that the only reason Chris Cyrus and myself want to control Overdrive is for our own selfish gain. This couldn't be further from the truth...
Cyrus: Yeah, it couldn't be any further from the truth!
Ellie: Not even close!
Biggs: (turns towards Ellie and Cyrus) Thank you, peanut gallery. (Back to facing the camera) The fact is Jeff, we're not just doing this for ourselves. We're doing it for fairness, for justice, to ensure that APW is run in a way that is beneficial to the league as a whole. Your leadership style panders to lowest common denominator, trying to appease the sheep like fans who will support whoever you tell them to support, even if they are more unseemly as those of us the fans choose to hate. Let's look at your little golden boy, Pence Weatherlight. Not only have you given him chance after chance to fight Level-One for the APW Heavyweight Championship, but you also let him run amok in a mask, reeking havoc on the champion to secure an unearned title shot at the biggest pay per view of the year! Not only that, but you allowed him to vacate the Overdrive Championship in order to do so! I spent too long trying to bring glory and prestige to that belt for it to be discarded so unceremoniously by arguably the most self-serving man APW has ever seen. And you not only allow it, Jeff, you celebrate it. Had you allowed Cyrus and myself the full rights and powers we are afforded under our General Manager contracts, we never would have let Pence run around, wrecking havoc week in and week out. We would have had him apprehended by security, and unmasked right then and there, showing him to be the coward he is a whole heck of a lot sooner. Jeff, I think you knew who the masked man was all along, and because it was your man crush, Pence, you let him get away with it. Unlike you, Jeff, Cyrus and I would fair in our use of authority, we would be shinning beacons of morality and integrity.
Cyrus: You might be, but I know I'd abuse it, if only to have Cindy Shannon dress all sexy again! That was hot!
Biggs: Okay, I will be a shinning beacon of morality and integrity, while my partner will be a pervball! But the fact is, Jeff, your tyranny is almost at an end. Because lucky for Cyrus and me, you wrestle even worse than your run Overdrive! When was the last time you won a match? I haven't seen you win one yet! You were embarrassed by Michael Lively, you were kidnapped by Big Mac's goons, and this Sunday, you will once again be humiliated in the middle of that ring by the most dominant duo this sport has ever seen. Jeff, at one time you may have been a competent competitor, but the fact is that you've been a front office fat cat for so long that your skills have regressed, that you've gotten soft. The bottom line, President Jeff, is that your are far too out of shape and far too lacking in skill to even be a threat to Chris Cyrus or myself. And your partner, Dr. Matt, well he's in even worse condition! Jeff, of all the people you could have picked to help you out, you picked a worn down, battle scarred, pudgy old man. Dr. Matt himself admitted as much! But what can we expect from a man who has shown such poor judgment so regularly as you have, Jeff? This choice is in line with your other inane decisions, and will only benefit mine and Cyrus' cause.
Biggs and Cyrus give each other daps before Biggs continues speaking.
Biggs: And speaking of Dr. Matt, I have to acknowledge that at one time, you were one of the toughest customers in the business. You are being inducted into the APW Hall of Fame for a reason.
Ellie: At least we have to keep telling ourselves that so we don't throw up in our mouths!
Cyrus: Too late...
Cyrus leans off camera and looks like he's throwing up, making the requisite puking noises. Biggs and Ellie have disgusted looks on their faces.
Biggs: Please go freshen up. The bathroom is down the hall. Also, janitor, do your job! Pronto!
Cyrus rushes off camera, and a heavyset man in coveralls runs up with a mop, standing right in front of the camera and obstructing the view of Ellie and Biggs. They are obviously agitated.
Biggs: Off camera! Off camera, you nincompoop!
Janitor: Sorry, man.
He steps out of view.
Biggs: Sorry, folks, live webcast. Still back to Dr. Matt, let's be honest here, Matt, you've admitted that you're past your prime, but you think that you still have what it takes to step up to Cyrus and myself, even if for just one night. Well, you could, if Cyrus and I decided that for one night we'd completely ignore the fact that we are two of the most talented wrestlers in the world today, not to mention two of the most prideful. The fact is Dr. Matt, the only chance you have against us is if we show you sympathy and go easy on you. As mentioned before, the stakes in this match are simply too high for that to be a possibility. We could care less about what you were, because we are facing what you are now, and what that is is a very dim shadow of the man you once were. When you were in your prime, you were a force to be reckoned with. It's just that your prime was so long ago that it makes the Cretaceous period seem like five minutes ago! Bottom line, Dr. Matt, you have become what in wrestling circles is called the “veteran,” which is a nice way of saying that you're a broken down wrestler who is incapable of competing at a high level. You're the type of guy who used to be the bee's knees, the top guy, but you've past your expiration date. You're like the old dog that we're going to have to take behind the shed and go all Old Yeller on. We realize that the fans won't like this, we realize that the fans don't want to see that happen, but we have to be realistic here, Dr. Matt, you have put yourself in a situation that no matter how it ends up, you're going to be worse for it. The fact is that you are stepping into the ring with the most dominant duo this sport has ever seen. We're a lot more dangerous than people give us credit for. Not only are we responsible for running the AKA out of APW, but we permanently put The Beast on the shelf. And these are full time competitors. Just imagine what we'll be able to do to you, a man who hasn't been in the ring since last year's RassleMania. All the training with the inbred, redneck wrestlers won't help you. I'm not saying that Cyrus and I are going into RassleMania with the intent to seriously injure you, I'm just saying that you're risking a lot by stepping into the ring with us. We will show you no sympathy, we will show you no mercy, because you stand between us and our objective.
Biggs removes his shades, and looks seriously into the camera. At this point, Cyrus returns, with his hands wet, and rubs them across Ellie's cheeks. She squeals in disgust.
Cyrus: Don't you just hate it when you pee on your hands!
At this point, Biggs cracks up, and starts laughing hysterically, and Cyrus joins him, while Ellie glares at her fiance. It takes Biggs a few moments to realize that Ellie's upset with him, and once he sees her angry face, he immediately stops laughing.
Biggs: Well, it was funny...(turning back to the camera)Almost as funny as Dr. Matt's thought process. Matt, I understand that you want to help your friend, that you want one more shot at immortality at RassleMania. I can respect that. What I don't understand is your thought process thinking that the two of you have a chance at beating the Axis of Awesome. You decided to join President Jeff after we permanently ended the Beast's career. The Beast! But then again, you do still live in your parents' basement, which tells me one of two things, either you were undisciplined with your finances that you earned wrestling and with no other discernible skills, you've become a permanent burden on your folks. That, or you have mommy issues. Any way you slice it, Dr. Matt, you're pathetic. You may have once been great, but even at your best, you weren't great enough to step up to Cyrus or myself, and now that you're a shell of your former self, you're even worse off. Bottom line, this match up at RassleMania can't truthfully be called a match, rather, the term one-sided slaughter is more accurate. To sum things up, President Jeff, you are worse at wrestling than you are running a wrestling company, and you're not even good at that. Dr. Matt, you're worn down and ineffective. You are going against the most talented, the most intelligent, the most dynamic, and dare I say most handsome wrestlers the world has ever seen. You guys may have been a force to be reckoned with back in the day, but we are a force to be reckoned with. The past means nothing in the heat of competition, the past is irrelevant. All that will matter at RassleMania is the present, and in the present, we are simply superior to you in every single way. Deal with it, accept it, because we are AWESOME!
Cyrus: Also, if you think that by adding Slade as the special guest enforcer will actually tangibly help you in any way, you're sorely mistaken! He's even more beat up and worn down than Dr. Matt! One shot and he's out!
Biggs: Exactly. Slade has orders from his doctors to not get physically involved, and while we expect him to ignore those orders, realistically he has the ability to get one, maybe two good shots in before we take him down for good. Jeff, as much of an advantage as you think Slade Craven will supply, he'll actually be more of a liability to your cause rather than a help. Had you picked Shadow, things may have been different, but you didn't! But then again, this decision is consistent with your penchant for making really bad choices, so we can't be surprised by it. Just like how you and Dr. Matt shouldn't be surprised that there's really only one way that our match this Sunday can end, and that is with The Axis of Awesome's arms being raised in victory, claiming our rights and responsibilities as Overdrive General Managers. It's a shame that it had to come to this for us to validate our contracts, it's a shame that we have to beat up a has-been and our boss in order to be able to actually do our jobs. But as Machiavelli says, “The ends justify the means,” even if it means we have to do something we won't be proud of. The fact is, Jeff, it won't be much of an accomplishment for Cyrus and myself to beat the two of you. It's inevitable that we will, so this match really is a mere formality. But just because the outcome is obvious, don't think that Chris and I won't give it our all. We intend on embarrassing you at your greatest creation, President Jeff, and the fact that we get to prove just how washed up Dr. Matt is is just a bonus. The only thing making this match worthwhile is the reward we shall receive upon our victory. And because of that, you can expect Chris Cyrus and I to give the performances of our life, creating our RassleMania moments, whereas Jeff and Matt, you two may try with all your heart, body, and soul, but you'll just end up being humbled in front of thousands of people in the arena, and the millions watching from home. Bottom line, you two don't stand a chance, because the Axis of Awesome is quite simply out of this world!
At this point, the words “Shameless Plug of the Week” flash across the bottom of the screen.
Biggs: Now I wasn't going to do a Shameless Plug of the Week because I didn't think I'd have the time to following my rant about mine and Cyrus' RassleMania opposition, but considering that this probably will be the last episode of First Contact for the foreseeable future, if I don't plug this week's item now, I probably never will. So, without further ado, my shameless plug of the week is for Square-Enix's Final Fantasy XIII! I gotta be honest, I haven't had as much time to play it as I would like to, but whenever I'm not devoting myself to my career, I've been playing this game! Ellie and I haven't been on a date in weeks, that how great this game is!
Ellie: I don't mind, either, because I've been playing it too! I'm a lot further than him.
Ellie lets out her infectious giggle as Biggs smiles.
Biggs: There are some complaints that the game starts slow, and I will admit that it does take a bit for the battle system to open up. However, once it does, this game is a total blast! Unfortunately, that's about all the time we have this week for First Contact, for Chris Cyrus and Ellie, this is Biggs signing off, perhaps for the last time. Just remember to keep watching the stars!
“Spacewalker” plays again as First Contact fades to black. The APW logo and copyright flash across the screen.
***
A few hours after filming First Contact, the trio of Chris Cyrus, Ellie, and Gary Biggerstaff are all chilling at Gary's home, eating a chicken casserole that Gary prepared for them. They are seated around the dining room table, discussing plans for Gary and Ellie's upcoming wedding.
Cyrus: You guys seriously haven't picked a date yet? Well, at least that gives me more time to plan the bachelor party!
Gary: What makes you think that you're gonna be the best man, Chris?
Cyrus: Well, it's just about as obvious as our victory this upcoming Sunday! Just like you and I are the only men who are capable of being Overdrive GMs, I'm really the only guy qualified to be your best man, because I am simply the best!
Gary: Well, you do bring up a good point, but I do have a brother, and my mom would be awfully sore if I didn't pick him to be my best man. Not that you wouldn't be my pick, because you are my best friend, but between keeping my mom happy and Ellie's plans for your involvement in the wedding, it's just not meant to be...
Cyrus looks at Ellie nervously, as a devious grin crosses her face. He then looks at Biggs, who shrugs a bit, and then back at Ellie, who's still grinning.
Cyrus: (meekly) Ellie's plans?
Ellie: Yep! You see, Chris, being on the road with you guys, I don't get the chance to meet very many women with whom I can actually form a meaningful friendship, and as there aren't really any other women in APW that I've really bonded with save for Cindy Shannon...
Cyrus interrupts her.
Cyrus: I'd sure love to bond with Cindy myself, if you know what I mean! Eh, eh!
Ellie: I'm not surprised by that in the slightest. Still, since I don't have any real, deep friends on the road, and I've lost contact with a great number of my college classmates, I ran this idea past Gary first, and I've picked you to be my Man of Honor!
Cyrus' jaw drops at the revelation. He's silent for a moment, as Gary and Ellie have smirks on their faces. After a few moments, Cyrus speaks again.
Cyrus: Really? REALLY?!
Ellie: Don't worry, you won't have to wear a dress. You'll be dressed just like the groomsmen. Gary and I gave it some serious discussion, and when it came time to make my decision, I realize that other than Gary, you're the best friend I have, and it would please me to no end to have you as my Man of Honor. You're not upset by that, are you?
Cyrus: Upset? No! Not at all! This is great! I'll be the only guy at the bachelorette party! That means I'll have my pick of all the ladies in the wedding party! Woohoo!
Cyrus gets up and does a little victory dance, celebrating the news. Gary turns to Ellie and whispers to her.
Gary: I told you he'd be fired up, didn't I?
Ellie: (giggling) Yep! Speaking of which, we still need to figure out when and where we're going to get married. Also, we need to find a minister. I've never really been a church goer, but everybody gets married by ministers, unless they go see a judge, and we don't want to settle for that.
Gary places his hands around Ellie's hands, trying to comfort and reassure her.
Gary: We still have plenty of time, hon. We haven't set the date yet, so we actually have all the time we want to plan this thing right...
Ellie: What's that supposed to mean? Are you saying we're going to delay the wedding? Are you saying that you don't want to marry me as soon as possible?!
Gary: (sheepishly) No, no! I'm not saying that at all! I want to marry you right away if I could, but the fact is that we have the means to do this wedding as big or little as we'd like, and considering how important this day is to the both of us, I want to make sure we do it right. I want it to be as grand as you've imagined it to be since you were a little girl, and while I know that you've been planning for your wedding day pretty much your entire life, as all girls do, I want to take the time to make sure that we can pull off the logistics and whatnot in a way that exceeds your expectations!
Ellie's heart melts at this, and she gives Gary a big hug as Cyrus is still dancing around. He's made his way to the living room, and Gary and Ellie can hear his hooting and hollering from the other room. They laugh a bit, and continue to talk.
Gary: As for the part about the minister, let me take care of that. I may know just the guy for the job. Remember, our wedding day will be for the both of us, you don't have to do everything by yourself to make sure that this wedding will be awesome.
Ellie: Okay. I'll let you take care of that then. Still, there's a lot of other things we need to decide, like how big of a reception do we want, what song will be we play during our first dance, do we want chocolate cake?
Gary chuckles to himself as Ellie keeps rattling off elements of the wedding that still need to be discussed. There's a veritable laundry list of things they need to decide, least of all is the time and place. Still, Gary smiles as he looks at his future wife, and thinks about how grateful he is to have met her.
A few hours later, after Ellie has gone out to the guest house for the night and Cyrus has crashed in the guest room of Gary's house, Gary sits at his desk in his office with his cell phone slid open. He has highlighted a name and number in his address book, and has been sitting there for about 15 minutes before he decides to hit the send button, making the call. The phone ring a couple of times before it's answered.
Gary: Hey, Jay, it's Gary. There's something I need to talk to you about...
