Post by Hollywood on May 17, 2010 21:18:01 GMT -4
APW's latest PPV offering, Mayhem, is looming just around the corner, and one of the marquee match ups pits the Greatness against the Red Shield Mafia in a Survivor Series-style six man elimination tag match. For weeks now, the Greatness and the Red Shield Mafia have been at each other's throats, and it must come to an end. But will it come to an end? You'll have to order the PPV to find out. In the meantime, we find "The Excellent Gordie" Gordon Heath, "The Showstopper" Shaun Kilgore, Craig "Senior" Mueller and George Dunpork all walking around on the field inside an empty Safeco Field. It's apparent that Gordie has paid the proper authorities for the time to use Safeco Field as the Greatness' speaking grounds.
GORDIE
Lakers/Celtics. Yankees/Red Sox. Cowboys/Redskins. Canadiens/Maple Leafs. Everyone loves a great rivalry, even way before the dawn of the modern sports era.
CRAIG MUELLER
Let's take for example the one-sided rivalry between Cain and Abel. Abel didn't have a prayer, pun fully intended, against his brother, Cain, as Cain slew him with great ease.
DUNPORK
Another ancient rivalry one could look at would be David and Goliath. Again, a one-sided rivalry, as all David needed was a sling and a rock to take down the behemoth, then took his sword and chopped his head off, clean as a whistle.
SHAUN KILGORE
And now the APW fans have been treated to the rivalry pitting us against the Red Shield Mafia. But this one hasn't been much of a rivalry like the ones Gordie mentioned. In fact, this rivalry has been more like the one-sided affairs such as Cain and Abel, and David and Goliath. In fact, if memory serves me correctly, the Red Shield Mafia has only been able to score one victory over us when JR Kingston beat George Dunpork in the biggest fluke since the San Antonio Spurs ousting the Dallas Mavericks from the 2010 NBA Playoffs. Sure, you guys may have been able to beat us down after the match, but that doesn't prove a damn thing.
GORDIE
Actually, Shaun, it does prove a couple of things. First, it proves that they can't get one over on us unless they jump us from behind like they always do. Second, it proves that we are simply better than them.
CRAIG MUELLER
You hit the nail on the head with that point, Gordie. Red Shield Mafia, the difference between you and us is that we are a true team. You four jokers are nothing but a bunch of ill-fitting parts.
DUNPORK
Tell me about it. Where else but in APW can you find a stable of misfits, such as a crackhead meth addict, a street thug that likes to do hood rat stuff while smoking wit cigarettes, a fat slob...
Gordie, Craig and Shaun stop walking and turn to look at George, raising their eyebrows as if to say "Look who's talking." George looks at them and just shakes his head.
DUNPORK
Anyways... we have the crackhead, the street thug, the fat slob who thinks he's something because he can hit people hard, and an Italian ladies man who seems to tries to talk and act like his hood rat compadres in the Red Shield Mafia.
SHAUN KILGORE
Yep, and then there is the Greatness. First, we have "The Excellent Gordie" Gordon Heath, the greatest mastermind in the business since Bobby "The Brain" Heenan. Then you have George and Craig, the Sports Nutz. Unlike those "gangstas" and circus acrobats that make up the Red Shield Mafia, George and Craig are real athletes. Not to mention that their overall record speaks for itself. And then there is me, the Showstopper. Proving people wrong seems to be my newest hobby. It all started when I first entered APW and squared off against Hardcore Jim Steel. That big, dumb oaf actually thought that I would be a cakewalk, but at the end of the night, it was me that had my hand raised in victory. Just recently I proved Crazy Joe wrong. Now Joe, I'll give you credit where it's due. You did indeed take me to the limit, but I was just that much better than you as I was able to do something you couldn't do no matter how many times you tried, and that was find a way to win the match. You hit me with everything you had in your arsenal. Hell, I think you threw the kitchen sink in there too! But none of it worked. I will admit that I do have a newfound respect for you, but now you know that I belong in the big leagues.
GORDIE
And all that brings us to this Sunday at Mayhem, APW's next PPV offering. This little rivalry, if you can call it that, will pit Young Mannie, JR Kingston, and Diamante Valentine against Shaun Kilgore, Craig "Senior" Mueller, and George Dunpork in a six man elimination tag match. Basically, it means that once someone gets pinned, made to submit, or what have you, that doesn't stop the match right there. It just means that particular person gets eliminated. So when you do the math, there are many different mathematical equations that could play themselves out. It starts off three-on-three, but then it comes down to three-on-two. From there, it could wind up being evened back up at two-on-two, and maybe even go down to two-on-one.
DUNPORK
But considering how much better we are than the Red Shield Mafia, I easily see it going down to three-on-one, and that will spell big trouble for the unfortunate soul that's left in the ring with the three of us. I didn't become the WCE World Champion my first month in the company just because no one else could...
CRAIG MUELLER
Actually, George, you wouldn't have won that belt if I hadn't been paid good money by Gordie to lay down for you and let you have your moment of glory.
GORDIE
Ahem!
CRAIG MUELLER
Well it's true!
DUNPORK
Even if you did lay down for me, I had some stiff competition in that gauntlet match, going up against the likes of giants such as Reflecto, Viper, Frankenstein Man, and Super Destroyer, as well as great athletes such as Levetation, Syco Boy, and Grave Digger. Believe me, going up against all those guys was no cakewalk.
CRAIG MUELLER
And if we're going to boast about our records and achievements, how about the fact that you and I, George, became grand slam tag team champions before Team 3D, the Dudleyz, whatever you want to call them, when we won the FCW Tag Team Titles, then the RMW Tag Team Titles, the UHW Tag Team Titles, and the NAWA Tag Team Titles. And just for good measure, we won the WRF Tag Team Titles, making us...
Craig turns his head and nods to George, who in turn nods his head to Craig. They smile and nod at Gordie, who rolls his eyes and says "Oh brother." Shaun is wondering what Gordie is groaning about when Craig and George, on cue, say...
CRAIG & GEORGE
FIVE TIME! FIVE TIME! FIVE TIME! FIVE TIME! FIVE TIME TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS OF THE UNIVERSE!
SHAUN KILGORE
Riiiiight. Anyway, Red Shield Mafia, when you can accomplish what George and Craig have accomplished in their careers, and when you can actually make claims that can't be debunked as outright lies by a simple Google search, then maybe, just maybe, you can have a slim chance of keeping up with the Greatness.
All of a sudden, "The Destination Is There" by Carman can be heard coming from Shaun Kilgore's pocket as he takes out his iPhone.
SHAUN KILGORE
Sorry, guys, just a moment... Hello?... Hey, babe, what's up?... What happened?!... What did that son of a bitch try to do?!... I swear to God, if he so much as laid a hand on you... Yeah, he better be thanking God above that a security officer happened to be around and took him down, because I would've done far worse to him... Yeah, they better lock him up and throw away the key... Well do I need to call off my match and come down there?... You sure?... Alright, talk to you later.
Looks of concern come over the faces of Gordie, George and Craig as Shaun hangs up his iPhone, putting it back in his pocket.
DUNPORK
Everything alright, bro?
SHAUN KILGORE
Yeah, I think. Some creep tried to harass my girl, Shelly, at her work last week. Unfortunately for him, I was there. He decided to run his mouth one too many times, and I took him down to the ground and let him have it. Well, apparently, Shelly told me that he tried to corner her tonight right at closing time. Fortunately for her, she was able to defend herself and a security guard who was watching the whole thing transpire was able to tackle him to the ground and get police backup.
GORDIE
Are you sure you're going to be able to focus on the match this coming weekend?
CRAIG MUELLER
Yeah, man, we can always call up one of our Going Sports Nutz Academy graduates if you need to go down and check on your girl.
SHAUN KILGORE
No, no, I should be alright. If anything, everything that I want to do to that lowlife is what I'm going to do to the Red Shield Mafia. They'll be wishing that dirty old man never existed, because he will essentially be responsible for me ending their careers after I turn them into vegetables. Let's go, guys, I'm hungry.
The Greatness all walk off as we fade to black.
GORDIE
Lakers/Celtics. Yankees/Red Sox. Cowboys/Redskins. Canadiens/Maple Leafs. Everyone loves a great rivalry, even way before the dawn of the modern sports era.
CRAIG MUELLER
Let's take for example the one-sided rivalry between Cain and Abel. Abel didn't have a prayer, pun fully intended, against his brother, Cain, as Cain slew him with great ease.
DUNPORK
Another ancient rivalry one could look at would be David and Goliath. Again, a one-sided rivalry, as all David needed was a sling and a rock to take down the behemoth, then took his sword and chopped his head off, clean as a whistle.
SHAUN KILGORE
And now the APW fans have been treated to the rivalry pitting us against the Red Shield Mafia. But this one hasn't been much of a rivalry like the ones Gordie mentioned. In fact, this rivalry has been more like the one-sided affairs such as Cain and Abel, and David and Goliath. In fact, if memory serves me correctly, the Red Shield Mafia has only been able to score one victory over us when JR Kingston beat George Dunpork in the biggest fluke since the San Antonio Spurs ousting the Dallas Mavericks from the 2010 NBA Playoffs. Sure, you guys may have been able to beat us down after the match, but that doesn't prove a damn thing.
GORDIE
Actually, Shaun, it does prove a couple of things. First, it proves that they can't get one over on us unless they jump us from behind like they always do. Second, it proves that we are simply better than them.
CRAIG MUELLER
You hit the nail on the head with that point, Gordie. Red Shield Mafia, the difference between you and us is that we are a true team. You four jokers are nothing but a bunch of ill-fitting parts.
DUNPORK
Tell me about it. Where else but in APW can you find a stable of misfits, such as a crackhead meth addict, a street thug that likes to do hood rat stuff while smoking wit cigarettes, a fat slob...
Gordie, Craig and Shaun stop walking and turn to look at George, raising their eyebrows as if to say "Look who's talking." George looks at them and just shakes his head.
DUNPORK
Anyways... we have the crackhead, the street thug, the fat slob who thinks he's something because he can hit people hard, and an Italian ladies man who seems to tries to talk and act like his hood rat compadres in the Red Shield Mafia.
SHAUN KILGORE
Yep, and then there is the Greatness. First, we have "The Excellent Gordie" Gordon Heath, the greatest mastermind in the business since Bobby "The Brain" Heenan. Then you have George and Craig, the Sports Nutz. Unlike those "gangstas" and circus acrobats that make up the Red Shield Mafia, George and Craig are real athletes. Not to mention that their overall record speaks for itself. And then there is me, the Showstopper. Proving people wrong seems to be my newest hobby. It all started when I first entered APW and squared off against Hardcore Jim Steel. That big, dumb oaf actually thought that I would be a cakewalk, but at the end of the night, it was me that had my hand raised in victory. Just recently I proved Crazy Joe wrong. Now Joe, I'll give you credit where it's due. You did indeed take me to the limit, but I was just that much better than you as I was able to do something you couldn't do no matter how many times you tried, and that was find a way to win the match. You hit me with everything you had in your arsenal. Hell, I think you threw the kitchen sink in there too! But none of it worked. I will admit that I do have a newfound respect for you, but now you know that I belong in the big leagues.
GORDIE
And all that brings us to this Sunday at Mayhem, APW's next PPV offering. This little rivalry, if you can call it that, will pit Young Mannie, JR Kingston, and Diamante Valentine against Shaun Kilgore, Craig "Senior" Mueller, and George Dunpork in a six man elimination tag match. Basically, it means that once someone gets pinned, made to submit, or what have you, that doesn't stop the match right there. It just means that particular person gets eliminated. So when you do the math, there are many different mathematical equations that could play themselves out. It starts off three-on-three, but then it comes down to three-on-two. From there, it could wind up being evened back up at two-on-two, and maybe even go down to two-on-one.
DUNPORK
But considering how much better we are than the Red Shield Mafia, I easily see it going down to three-on-one, and that will spell big trouble for the unfortunate soul that's left in the ring with the three of us. I didn't become the WCE World Champion my first month in the company just because no one else could...
CRAIG MUELLER
Actually, George, you wouldn't have won that belt if I hadn't been paid good money by Gordie to lay down for you and let you have your moment of glory.
GORDIE
Ahem!
CRAIG MUELLER
Well it's true!
DUNPORK
Even if you did lay down for me, I had some stiff competition in that gauntlet match, going up against the likes of giants such as Reflecto, Viper, Frankenstein Man, and Super Destroyer, as well as great athletes such as Levetation, Syco Boy, and Grave Digger. Believe me, going up against all those guys was no cakewalk.
CRAIG MUELLER
And if we're going to boast about our records and achievements, how about the fact that you and I, George, became grand slam tag team champions before Team 3D, the Dudleyz, whatever you want to call them, when we won the FCW Tag Team Titles, then the RMW Tag Team Titles, the UHW Tag Team Titles, and the NAWA Tag Team Titles. And just for good measure, we won the WRF Tag Team Titles, making us...
Craig turns his head and nods to George, who in turn nods his head to Craig. They smile and nod at Gordie, who rolls his eyes and says "Oh brother." Shaun is wondering what Gordie is groaning about when Craig and George, on cue, say...
CRAIG & GEORGE
FIVE TIME! FIVE TIME! FIVE TIME! FIVE TIME! FIVE TIME TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS OF THE UNIVERSE!
SHAUN KILGORE
Riiiiight. Anyway, Red Shield Mafia, when you can accomplish what George and Craig have accomplished in their careers, and when you can actually make claims that can't be debunked as outright lies by a simple Google search, then maybe, just maybe, you can have a slim chance of keeping up with the Greatness.
All of a sudden, "The Destination Is There" by Carman can be heard coming from Shaun Kilgore's pocket as he takes out his iPhone.
SHAUN KILGORE
Sorry, guys, just a moment... Hello?... Hey, babe, what's up?... What happened?!... What did that son of a bitch try to do?!... I swear to God, if he so much as laid a hand on you... Yeah, he better be thanking God above that a security officer happened to be around and took him down, because I would've done far worse to him... Yeah, they better lock him up and throw away the key... Well do I need to call off my match and come down there?... You sure?... Alright, talk to you later.
Looks of concern come over the faces of Gordie, George and Craig as Shaun hangs up his iPhone, putting it back in his pocket.
DUNPORK
Everything alright, bro?
SHAUN KILGORE
Yeah, I think. Some creep tried to harass my girl, Shelly, at her work last week. Unfortunately for him, I was there. He decided to run his mouth one too many times, and I took him down to the ground and let him have it. Well, apparently, Shelly told me that he tried to corner her tonight right at closing time. Fortunately for her, she was able to defend herself and a security guard who was watching the whole thing transpire was able to tackle him to the ground and get police backup.
GORDIE
Are you sure you're going to be able to focus on the match this coming weekend?
CRAIG MUELLER
Yeah, man, we can always call up one of our Going Sports Nutz Academy graduates if you need to go down and check on your girl.
SHAUN KILGORE
No, no, I should be alright. If anything, everything that I want to do to that lowlife is what I'm going to do to the Red Shield Mafia. They'll be wishing that dirty old man never existed, because he will essentially be responsible for me ending their careers after I turn them into vegetables. Let's go, guys, I'm hungry.
The Greatness all walk off as we fade to black.
