Bible Stories...

["The Hottest Shit Going"]

Bible Stories...

As I awaken from my slumber I sit up and notice my normal dress is a bit off. For some unknown reason I am clothed from head to toe in traditional JESUS garb, the robe, the sandals, the whole nine. I wipe the crust from my eye lids, stretch off the rust from the evening of rest and stand up arching my back as a accordion of cracking snaps down my spine setting my vertebra's back in place. I look around and I do not see my familiar settings, you know the ones a wrestler is used to seeing. The stale curtains of a hotel room, the coffee maker on the counter, and the newspaper slid underneath the door. Instead I seem to have fallen asleep in a cave, or some kind of under ground dwelling. I see light coming from around the bend and head that direction. As I cover my eyes shielding them from the blinding sun I stumble out in the open land. My vision adjusts and I see Lil Dick dressed similar to that of which I am wrapped in. My disciple has a fish set upon a rock and a make shift stone knife carving it's guts out. My stomach turns as I do not eat fish nor appreciate the sight of their guts running down the side of a stone.

Now I know something is off, and out of place yet I just roll with the flow as if I know this place, know this time, a been here done that kind of a Deja Vu maybe? None the less I sit down next to the fire Lil Dick has started in a circle of rocks. I dip a stone cup into a pail of water and take a sip. My disciple then sticks his fish on a long twig and places it over the fire.

"Breakfast huh?"

My midget friend smiles toward me and spins his fish around trying to cook it evenly. Seeing is how the setting is right, and the dress is up to par I continue to go along with this strange situation as if I am following a script, or should I say scripture. Shortly after breakfast I tell my disciple that we should take a walk. Along our journey we have a few discussions of how to live the perfect life, a life fitting in the eyes of JESUS. Just as we walk up a grassy hill we look down in the valley and see a group of people circled around a woman. The people fierce, angry, and ready to cause this woman harm. I simply nod my head and make my way to the commotion. As my disciple follow along we both notice the violent mob all are armed with stones. I quickly announce myself getting the mob's attention diverted from this poor woman toward that of the Savior.


"People of Galilee, I am JESUS your savior please stop what you are doing!!!"

The people look a bit puzzled, and Lil Dick just shakes his head not sure what I am trying to do.

"What is your purpose here with this woman?"

One of the men screamed out that this female was a prostitute, and that she had been whoring herself out across the land. The angry mob then each start cussing this woman. The man then proclaims that according to the laws of Moses that any man or woman that commits adultery should therefore be stoned. I simply smirk at this man and his comments as I part the crowd. The circle breaks up around me forming almost a horseshoe as I stare downward at the beaten woman in tears trembling with fear. I kneel down in front of this poor tortured soul and begin to draw in the sand with my finger. As I finish I look at this woman and her eyes well with tears just as I stand upright.

""If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her."

Suddenly the sounds of stones hitting the dirt begin to fill the deadly silent air around us. The tears stream down this women's face as the people each begin to feel and see the errors in they actions. I quickly spin around to the mob striking the I am JESUS pose briefly as they look on waiting to hear more profound wisdom from their Savior.

"That is right you people are sinners just like this woman, none of you are perfect."

Like lightening I somersault forward grabbing one of the stones from the ground hit my knee spin back and like Nolan Ryan I zing a fastball style rock right at the prostitutes head. The rock makes contact with the hookers dome piece and puts her flat on her back. I then stand as the mob looks rather shocked by my actions.

"I said anyone without sin cast the first stone, so there you have it folks I AM THAT MAN...so continue on!!!"

The angry mob then quickly pick up their rocks and begin pelting the woman as was their original intention. Lil Dick not sure to make of what just went down looks at me kind of confused. I stop walking and stare downward upon my curious disciple hoping to set his mind at ease.

"Listen, people sin Lil Dick it's the way of the world. I just think before I get nailed to that cross that these rotten, ungrateful sons of bitches feel just a glimpse of the suffering I am about to endure. Soon enough these low life's will be wiped clean of all their imperfections, forgiven their sins, and almost had their debts completely washed away for what...my sacrifice. I just think maybe people could see the error in their ways, feel a slight bit of pain, maybe give back toward me just a bit before I do my thing on the cross."

Lil Dick chuckles almost as if he knew the attitude about to be displayed by his savior before it was.

"Well Michael, what I would like to know is what you wrote in the sand for that woman?"

I smile briefly before offering up my answer.

"I wrote, born a whore, act like a whore, gobble the dick like a whore...and you will simply die like a whore!"

"Wow, pretty biblical stuff there Michael."

"Well I just hope you are paying attention because it's you that will have to carry on my teachings after I am gone."

My disciple nodded his head as if letting me know he has it under control. The two us continues on our dusty path as my vision became blurry.



Shorty there after I once again feel as if I am awaken. This time as I sit up I notice my surroundings and the clothes I am wearing seem to actually belong to me. I stretch my arms as I lift up my recliner that I had APW put in my locker room. Seeing as I arrive to the show early each and every week, I might as well have my own comfortable spot to catch some rest before making this company wheel barrels full of money each night. You see I often strike first, show up on time, and give this company what it needs without having to be asked twice. Others under contract here have to be babysat and constantly watched over. Some people show up late and put things out last minute almost cutting the productions deadlines by the minute. I know this has to frustrate people that run the show and work hard to put this product on the air. None the less I am here, and ready to do my thing. It seems I had one hell of a dream where I walked in the foot steps of JESUS correcting his wrongs. Tonight as APW puts on a house show broadcast live on the Internets I Michael Lively, the savior of wrestling will once again be called upon to put in work. That's right once again my mere presence at a show increases ticket sales, which in turn boosts the revenue of APW, which might I add puts dollars in my pocket so it's greasing the wheel so the money train can keep rolling you dig.

Now as I stand up and walk toward my locker opening it up, I pull out my duffel bag. As I unzip the bag pulling out the patented Michael Lively wrestling boots I see the Xtreme title. I yank out the championship and set it in my lap. Since I began in Las Vegas training under Sabu my ultimate goal was to be the very best. It's funny how your perception is when you are but a rookie. I was fascinated with gold, title belts, accolades, and accomplishments. I put my mind toward a goal and achieved that goal capturing most of the APW's titles along the way. Now being a student of the sickest hardcore icon to ever step foot inside a ring, it meant that I of course had a twisted bone inside my body. So upon my return to APW I was focused on finishing the puzzle I had begun, and capturing the one title that eluded me, the Xtreme title. I thought it was only natural that I the prodigy of Sabu would become the next greatest thing in Xtreme wrestling. I snatched up that piece of the puzzle and put it in place, but yet I felt no different. I had achieved my ultimate goal of becoming the grand slam champion.

As a snot nosed challenger rose to the top and threatened to take me down a few notches I got pumped up. The thrill of this sport ran through my veins like a fiery trail of adrenalin, and I stepped up ready to dismantle my challenger. The funny thing is this, I actually thought it might be a challenge. Sadly I was mistaken, and that's when the rose color glasses fell off. That's when I looked upon this title and every other one like it in a different light, for what they really are...cheap pieces of leather that some dirt bag fan can pick up for about 400 hundred dollars now a days. That's when I thought to myself I just trained my ass off, got set for war and was sent into a third world country to simply breeze through the battle coming out damn near unharmed. You can say it broke me down, you can make the assumptions that many people will, but that's the moment I smartened up. That's the moment I realized I do this for me. Now I sit in a locker room with the Xtreme title laying upon my lap. A simple decoration that represents what the holder makes of it. Don't get me wrong if you want this belt you will have to earn it, this fixture just doesn't motivate and drive me any longer. The words and opinions of others have no say in how I respond to a situation.

In about twenty minutes I will step through that curtain to an arena full of blood thirsty fans who all would love to see me burn in hell. Sadly for them I am too damn good for any of that, so I will toy with this Peanut Butter Jim Jobber set before me, keep the match at an even keel, and then within an instant BAM, super kick...and if the people are fortunate enough depending on my mood I may just ascend to the top and show them the prettiest move in wrestling history, My Prelude. After that is over I will walk that aisle, take my roar of hatred back here in this locker room, balling it up into a slice of venom that I will direct toward Jim Steel. Chubs should be here then, and I will cut loose on the Hardcore Jabrone with serious fury, and deadly intent because nothing in this life is free. I paid my dues, and if sunshine wants a belt to hold his pants up then I suggest he get ready to pay for such a treat.

Live...

The fans are rabid as my music blares. The bloodied mess of some local ass clown lays in the ring as I step down from the apron. That son of a bitch decided it would be a smart choice to grab a hold of the heavenly sack in a desperation move. I felt the beating I offered up was really dull, although once he layed his hands on my fruit bag it was game over. The flying knee to the nose made quite the impact, and sent a blood splatter that would fascinate even the most skilled CSI. I couldn't help myself, one Prelude wasn't enough so I offered up two more and boy did the fans hate that. Maybe Pence was right maybe in my heart there is just a little bit of love for these assholes left. I mean nothing is better then getting a thousand or so random people to all come together rand chant "FUCK YOU JESUS'. Think about it, just the Christian community alone must be in a fit that people could even say such a thing, let alone arena's full of assholes all over this vast nation doing it each night. None the less these back woods hillbillies got their moneys worth here this evening and as I swagger up the ramp not even feeling a bit tired from the easy street match I just under went I see a young kid with a "FUCK MICHAEL LIVELY" sign so it gets my attention. Being the ultra heal I am, and a man that over steps the boundaries from time to time I saw this as one of those golden opportunities.

I reach into my tights rubbing my hand all over the sweaty mess that is my testicles, yank out the cheese filled hand and bitch slap that kid right in the mush. He drops the sign and I grab his face holding open his mouth as I jam the rancid hand inside making sure to make contact with his tongue. A select few that seem to worship the ground I walk on have made their way over toward me and in the midst of their cheers one of them opens wide almost asking for the same to be done to him. I let go of the hater within my grasp and think it through briefly. It's lasting impression this kid wants, a memory he can take with him so I give him just that by turning sideways and planting a gorgeous super kick right in his mouth. The Lively mark flies backwards into his friends knocked unconscious as I quickly strike the I am JESUS pose. The people hate my actions, and I know the management is going to have something to say about the assault just preformed, but who cares...I just put APW on the map once more. That small show will be plastered all over the Internet, that kid will be famous in his town as the kid Super Kicked by yours truly.

It's all in a days work so I make my way through the curtain where the producer just shoots me a glare. He knows not to say a word because my actions can sometimes no matter how controversial produce some highly grossing profits. The Make A Wish kid, that was a huge segment that paid out very well in the long run. Kids lined up from far and wide to see if I would come to their house and kick the shit out of their parents. None the less my job is all but done as I roll into my locker room. There I find Chubs ready with the camera in hand. My body glistening from the sweat I broke out there under the hot lamps. I look on the bench and there sits the Xtreme title.

"Really?"

"Well it is on the line at the PPV, I thought it would be only fitting to have it on display during your promo"

I pick up the strap as the red light flickers to life and in that moment the Michael Lively silhouette appears on your screen as you see the picture of perfection once more ready to shoot. I hold the title as my eyes stare downward at it.

"Mayhem, hell that's a perfect word to describe the brutal punishment I went through to gain this title. I may have downed him as an opponent, I may have trashed and tarnished his accomplishments, but during that match and Mania Chris Cyrus brought the mother fucking heat with him, and made me earn this belt. Now, I could care less that I am the champ, but I damn sure feel the same is owed to any man who wishes to attain this fancy piece of shit."

I toss the belt down on the bench and look up toward the lens as I move onward with my promo.

"I wake up in the morning hoping to once again be put through that misery, be put through that test if you will, having something, or someone to challenge me. It was indeed a challenge to take that strap off Cyrus as much as it pains me to say, being the ego filled son of a bitch I am. In my new light though I seem to be able to give credit where it is due, and only there. Now onto Mayhem, a challenger is what I have, but no challenge laying before my feet. You see like I have mentioned before this shall be a cake walk. Nothing more then the total annihilation of a jobber sort of like I just preformed here for a house show. It's sad that you really are overwhelmed with the delusion that winning the Xtreme championship is a possibility. It's going to be a rude awakening, a eye opening experience. You see Jim Steel you are like a bland and plain Jane Sugar Cookie. At some point in time you were the newest rage, the sweetest thing in the land of deserts. Sadly that time has long passed and the evolution of the cookie game has far surpassed the normal-ness of Sugar cookies. I am a "Snackwell's Devils Food Cookie" Steel, I am an explosion of taste in your mouth that you can enjoy with the comfort of knowing I won't load you up with calories. I am way above your pay grade, farther up on the ladder of success, and compared to in cookie terms I am top shelf while you can be found on the bottom of the barrel lower shelf. Hell fagot ass Chocolate Chop cookies like Hellfire Kid, Mark Moment, and John Green are at least chest level on the middle shelf. The point is this, with an aisle of some many Delicious choices that invigorate your taste buds why would APW decide to go with Sugar. There are E.L. Fudges, Double Stuff Oreo's, Even Rainbow Chip Deluxe otherwise known as Weatherlight cookies, that all could have been better options then you."


I turn my back on the camera putting my hands on top of the locker.

"Jim Steel this will be your finest hour, the biggest moment in this career you seem to think your are living out. I know in the pit of my stomach that you will walk that aisle, and give 110 percent. I also know that in the pit of your stomach you know that you will be coming up 890 percent too short because I am a 1000 times better then you. Let me put it to you like this, my worst failure eclipses your grandest achievement making it look as if you were nothing more then a simple child trying to win a coloring contest...so keep on trying to convince yourself that come the end of the PPV that you will have APW gold strapped around your waist, keep on living in the Purple Haze where you think stepping in the ring opposite me won't get you seriously maimed or sidelined, and keep on living that false dream because I will be your Freddy Kruger, it may not be Friday the 13Th...but I will surely welcome you to your worst fucking nightmare. The belt is up for grabs, and it's yours for the taking. The shitty part about that statement is that I am the champion you must first dethrone. I am a man that isn't worn down from the day in, day out endless punishment on my body. I am the man who doesn't blow his wad two weeks before a big PPV or title match and then have less in the tank when it's time to party. I am the Hottest Shit Going, the Savior of this sport, and the man you will never beat Jim Steel."


I spin back around looking the camera dead on now as I finish up.

"People have asked why, why would I not leave myself out there in the ring night after night? Why since the last PPV have I not really put forth the effort? Well Jim Steel unfortunately for you, you will find out just WHY I do what I do. You will see the fully loaded wrath of the mother fucking JESUS in your face. I will unleash the full clip of the Automatic weapon that is Michael Lively upon your body at Mayhem. The bullets I will dispense will shred your flesh, pierce your vital organs, and leave you laying in a pool of your own blood while shit runs down your legs, because you knew going into this just how I would operate. So pill up, digest those meds, because you will need some aid for the pain coming your direction. The JESUS is ready to earn his mother fucking pay check, and to do so I must first mangle your big dopey ass, so get ready for one hell of a ride. This isn't Space Mountain, your aren't going to Larry-land, I plan on welcoming you to the Michael Lively Terror Dome...and I promise you none of this proclaimed is intended as a threat, these are fucking commandments from your savior, the one and only JESUS!!!"

With that I quickly snap a super kick into the camera planting the boot right on the chin of Chubs leaving all who look upon my greatness with static until next time.