Dare To Be Different II-III

[John Green]

[glow=green,2,300]Dare To Be Different II: Difference[/glow]

Green's Thoughts

So many Gods and Kings and egos running rampant this week, especially when Test For The Best isn’t too far away and it seems that everybody is coming out of the wood work. I am no God. I am not a King. My ego is under control. So what else is driving me to get involved in this tournament? It is going to be difficult, battles of all different aspects, mentally, physically, and emotionally. So what is driving me? To be honest, I really don’t know anymore. After thinking about it, I haven’t the slightest clue. Since my return I have been questioning my opponents, questioning them when I think to myself about my upcoming matches, wondering what drives my opponents. I wander what motivates them to step into the ring, what keeps them coming back for me, yet I have never really come up with an answer to the question myself. I believe it is time to figure it out. Is it really to vent and release the frustration like I have been telling myself? Is that why I decided to step back into the ring? Because I was pissed off about so many things…is that the reason? Is that what motivates me?

I could say that it is to put a smile on the faces of the screaming APW fans. I could say that it is to give them more bangs for their buck. I could say it is this and that it is that, but at the end of the day, I feel as if I am kidding myself. So far, my return has been mediocre at best. I have been pretty successful, like squaring off against Pence for the World Championship, but for some reason, I feel like I am taking giant steps backwards, instead of moving forward. I want to kick myself for even thinking this way, but the mind is a tricky bastard, and it knows how to manipulate you. They say to follow your heart, but recently, it is like my heart and my mind are agreeing on something on this rare occasion. It has come as quite a shock to me, because I am in a rut, mentally. I thought getting away from my old scenes, that things would change. I would stop beating myself up over hurting Ashley by going back to wrestling, but my hurt hasn’t stopped.

Yeah…my hurt. I don’t have it as bad as over half of the human population, yet I still drown myself in my own man made sorrow. I want to be better, yet better is always temporary; happiness comes in spurts when you are John Green. There I go again, when you are John Green. I am John Green and I think my life is bad. I am starting to think I am bipolar. I am always battling something on the inside. I have a lot of days filled with a stream of never ending second thoughts about every situation I encounter. How sad and pathetic am I? Does the struggle end? Does rock bottom have a trampoline to send me back up when I hit? My GOD! Is this what motivates me? My inner struggle? I want to vent about my inner struggle inside of the ring? I want to hurt others just so I can make myself feel better? Damn, I am pretty fucking sick when I actually think about it.

How do I honestly think I will stack up against these other superstars? I can't dish out all of my "pain" upon them. In the end, I doubt I will be mad at any of them. Oh wow…you hit me. I am so pissed off right now that I am going to beat you down with a steel chair or something…if I start thinking like that then I am gone. There has got to be something that is driving me, something that could possibly push me to go all the way. Some would say a shot at the APW World Championship is motivation enough, but to me…it isn’t all about fucking titles anymore.

There has got to be something more…

Or is there?

Man, days like this…I seriously consider renting a gun and buying a bullet and playing a combination of solitaire and Russian roulette, minus the cards.

_________________________________________________________________

Day: Friday June 25th, 2010

The scene opens up, showing friends Chris Johnson and former APW Champion, John Green sitting side by side in John's car. Chris stares out of his window, while John stays focused on the road. John is taking Chris to meet their friend , Shorty, as Shorty and Chris are heading to Mexico for the weekend.

John: "So why exactly are you going to Mexico?"

Chris: "On Saturday and hopefully we will make it home by Sunday night-Monday morning so he can head to his classes at NYU."

John: "I didn't ask you when, doofus. I asked you why you two were going."

Chris: "One, just cause you are driving me and I'm your friend doesn't mean I won't smack the taste of your mouth. I come from a family whose whooped ass for less disrespect than that. Secondly, I half listened to what you said cause my thoughts are on the bitch who is stealing my money and sons."

John: "Well, we could settle this the old fashioned way if you like. We could stop. I turn the car off. You get out of the car. I then fake you out, making you think I am getting out of the car, but I lock the doors, crank the car back up and speed off and leave your ass to fend for yourself. How does that sound? As for the bitch as you call her…don’t you think that is a reason she is "stealing" your money and your sons? I don’t mean to get to personal but…"

Chris: “Heh. You’re a little slick one, huh? Guess there is a reason you were APW Champion. But how are you and I so different in terms of these women? You up and left yours along with your cars and everything you ever owned. For what? Good ol’ normal…Georgia. What were you expecting when you went back home? To marry the nearby alligator who lives in the gully? I lost my life in a New Jersey court. You walked away from yours.”

John: "I left because I was fucking hurting her, you dipshit! I left her out of respect you could say. As for the cars and the big expensive house, that shit doesn’t matter. It isn’t important, Chris, it's for the birds man. It doesn’t show who I am or anything like that. It hides who I am. I went back home to find peace of mind if anything. You lost your life? You're still living. It doesn’t wait for you to get back up on your feet. You've got to keep moving. I walked away? I am still moving. What are you doing? Nothing. Nothing but whining and complaining."

Chris: “What is this? I’ve struck a nerve in the calm and cool Mr. Green? Finally. You show some passion. About damn time. What do you think my life was before the judge hit his hammer down? It was my family. Ask anyone who rolled with me back in the days. I was a family man. My wife and two sons was what I raved about day and night proudly to anyone willing to hear it. What do I have since then? Some bullshit wrestling career that won’t mean two shits within a decade or so. What am I doing now? I’m going to Mexico to re-find meaning in my life just like how you left it all to find meaning in yours.”

Green doesn’t speak. He looks out at the road before him, continuing to drive. His eyes squint and his muscles tense, before he finally does respond.

John: "Oh don’t get fucking cocky, Chris. You want to talk about striking a nerve? You say that I am finally showing some passion! Look at what I do in the ring. I show passion every night I step in between those ropes. What do you do when you wrestle in your feds? You come out and attack people from behind. Your career is shitty, you just make it that way. Once you get your shit together and realize that what you are doing shows you to be a coward, then we can really do something together in that ring. You want to go to Mexico to find yourself? Good, I encourage it, Chris, but for the love of God…don’t compare yourself to some one like Level One. I am pretty sure I would have shot you by now, because I can't handle someone who whines as much as he does."

Both men share a small laugh after Green's comment on Lester, but Chris's laugh dies down and his smile fades, when he begins to think about what Green said in regards to his wrestling career.

Chris: “Very true about Level One and years ago I would agree attacking someone from behind would be cowardice but I was you. I was the ‘that’s bullshit for you to do that’ kind of guy. I was the anti-hero. The guy who stood up for right but not just cause it was right but rather because he was tired of the bullshit and corruption around him. A man can only stay clean for so long when he lives in filth. The people I fought against, I started to become. Sometimes, no matter how much a man fights against certain things they will do their damage no matter what. Usually it’s called hypocrisy, I call it life. The cop who fights drug dealers will one day turn as corrupt and greedy as the dealers he attempts to clean off the street. When you meddle with something for so long, you become it and soon you will learn this like I have.”

John: "Look, Chris…that shit just isn’t going to happen to me. You can beat the hell out of whomever you want, but I will have no fucking part of it, unless it is face to face, man to man. That is the only way I fight. I stand for what's right, because nobody else does. Biggs? He is too busy drowning in his own greed. Shaun Kilgore? He is worried about getting 100 wins…who cares? Criss Cassidy? I respect the guy, but at the end of the day, he is really only in this for himself. He wants the power just like every other superstar in the tournament. That isn’t me. Call me old fashioned, call me what you will, but I will do things the right way. I will not become you. I am me, and that's all there is to it."

Chris: “All those people you named are future APW World Champions in the making and potential future Hall of Famers because of their self-serving ways. It’s why Blade will never become a APW champion. He gives a shit too much about others. If he had a choice between saving a baby from a burning building and capturing the very thing he wants, the APW Championship, he’d run into the building like a jackass. I said the same thing: ‘I won’t be that guy’. I said, ‘I won’t be my dad, a father not there for his kids’. I ended up like my father. I said, ‘I will never be as cold and thoughtless as some of these old bastards.’ Here I am as cold as ver. Hilarious enough, I am as shady if not shadier than my dad. Life is a funny game, John. I hope you can keep what you promise cause those kind of promises get broken all the time for a little piece of gold.”

Green grows quiet again. He stares blankly at the road, Chris's words karate chopping his mind, before snapping out of it and responding.

John: "I am not Blade. I have said it time and time again, that if I have to change who I am to get some sort of success, to get a championship, an award, or some sort of Hall of Fame honor, then they can take it and shove it up their asses. I am here because I stopped being like everybody else. I am who I am and that's it, end of story. The sooner you realize that, the better the both of us will be."

Both men grow silent as they approach their good friend, Shorty. Shorty stands outside of the airport. John brings the car to a stop as Shorty makes his way over to the vehicle.

Shorty: Hey fellas. Chris, I would have gotten dad to pick you up if you hadn’t told me at the last minute you had no ride. Hey John, long time no see. Thanks for dropping off Mr. Grumpy over there.

Chris: Screw you.

Shorty: Heh, still upset I see.

John: "Don’t mind him. But yeah it has been awhile, Shorty. No problem dropping him off, I guess we can call it even, since you decided to lend me a chair…um…a hand back in January."

Shorty: “Yeah. It was a wild few months back then, huh? I hear your back in APW. How you holding up?”

John: "Yeah it was. I've been better."

Shorty: “Watch out for Mr. Grumpy over there, he’ll try to bring you to the dark side with him if you let him.”

Chris: “Why your mother did not consider abortion is beyond me…”

Shorty: “Ha-ha. Not the happy camper of the group I see. Come on, Chris, get your stuff so we can check in soon.”

Chris gets out the car and heads to the trunk as Shorty leans in towards Green and whispers to him.

Shorty: “I’ve dealt with him for one whole year. Don’t let him get under your skin or he’s won half the battle. He is as manipulative and dangerous if not even more than Level One and Lively put together. At least when they are cruel, they stand afar and play mind games. Chris tries to get right underneath you and make you see his way nowadays. You stay straight and narrow, man. The reason I tell you this is because I admired you for the way you carried yourself as APW Champion and I want your legacy to stay pure.”

Chris comes around as Shorty gets back upright and grabs one of his suitcases.

Shorty: “See you later, man.”

As they walk away Chris turns around and mouths the words “Remember what I told you” before turning right back around and following Shorty into the airport. Green watches them as they walk in, and then turns away, staring out at everything around him. He then starts his car back up and drops it into gear, before driving off.

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Green's Thoughts

Chris really struck a nerve today. Could that be what does drive me? I am running from myself? That I am trying to push myself from the viciousness of my being, and that I truly am trying to be someone I am not, could that be it? Do his words hold water? Here I am again, stuck with question after question after fucking question. People normally question rather or not they have the heart and will to compete, but not me. I just question who I am and my morals. I know I have heart and I know that deep down, I have the will to succeed. I have proven that ever since I made my wrestling debut so many years ago. But what about the upcoming Test For The Best tourney? In my mind, I know I have the will. But to be honest, I am not sure I can survive. I haven't come out and said that I am going to win the tournament, because I have a slim chance.

Young Mannie spoke and brought up the fact that he won the tag match. He did indeed do that, but the guy is young and carzy in the mind, probably fucked up beyond all repair and he isn't really that good in the ring. He believes that he is the underdog here and that no man can defeat him. But outlasting seven other wrestlers, men and even women hungry as all get out, all fighting for a chance to headline the biggest event of the summer, they are all fighting for their chance in the limelight. They all want to compete for the APW championship and they are all willing to whatever is necessary to win. I have had my time in the spotlight, holding said title before, but I would be lying if I said the thought of competing for the title at Shockwave didn’t intrigue me.

Chris said that a man will change, growing accustomed to the things he sees. He will adapt to his environment so to speak. The environment will be increasingly hostile at Test For The Best this coming Sunday. I have been in this sort of environment before, and I wasn’t able to adapt. I have never been that great in big situations. I mean, look at Mayhem 2009, fatal four way for the APW title. I didn’t win that. Test For The Best 2008 and 2009, didn’t win those either. I have always been able to adapt to any wrestling style, but that has always been in regular one on one encounters.

So how do I adapt at Test For The Best? Do I change accordingly, allowing any bloodthirsty thought or craving take full control? There is an animal within me, the burning rage I have kept locked up for the last several months. It beats against my chest once again, now more than ever before, digging to get out and breathe again. I thought about survival at first, but I believe I have to become a hunter, instead of remaining the hunted, like I am some sort of deer or any other typical form of prey. I have to know how to survive. Sure I survived a broken home and all the things that came along with that. Sure I have survived many hardships throughout my career, but I don’t believe any of that has prepared for something like this.

Maybe I do have to shed the image I am holding onto. Maybe Chris is right and I have to get downright crazy to pull this thing off.

No…there has got to be another way…

_________________________________________________________________

Ashley sits outside, waiting in a sitting room at her doctor's office. She looks down, the facial expression on her face shows her pain, her pain of being alone and depressed. Tears constantly well up in her eyes, but she quickly wipes them away, making the area around her eyes red and puffy. She hears her name called and she wipes her eyes again and stands up, rubbing her stomach.

She walks past a few other women, seeing them with their children, some quiet the others screaming and crying. She sees the women with men, holding them, comforting them. She sees this and the tears begin to fall, uncontrollably as she makes her way over to the nurse who called her name. She covers her face as she disappears behind the door, with the nurse closing it.

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"Thanks for coming down here, Stetson, I appreciate it."

John Green and his good friend/former agent, Stetson are shown sitting in a dimly lit hotel room. John sits on the bed, a bottle of beer in his hand. Stetson is resting his head against the back of a chair, sitting in front of the window. The hotel room looks a bit run down when compared to the usual rooms Green is usually shown in.

Stetson: "No problem man. Besides, I haven’t seen you in awhile."

John: "I just needed somebody to talk to and there was nobody else around. Chris went to fucking Mexico with Shorty to go get a tag title belt or something. Dude, you are my friend and I just needed to talk to somebody I know I can trust."

John takes a few gulps of his beer. He grabs the bottle cap and flips it up in the air a few times, before slinging it across the room.

Stetson: "What do you need to talk to me about? I mean, it's obvious something is off. What is bothering you?"

John: "I am getting the feeling that I don’t know who I am anymore. I feel like I am running away from who I really am. It's like a change is trying to occur, but I am fighting against that change. I don’t know if I need to let it fully develop or try to bury it and let it die."

Stetson: "That is heavy, John, it really is. If you feel like you are running away from who you really are; then trust me, you are. I've know you for a long time and I know that you go with the flow of things. It's not like you to stress this much over something you would normally find so simple."

John takes another gulp of his beer then lets it rest on the night stand beside him, before responding.

John: "Maybe you are right, Stetson. I always have my battles, but not like this.
Maybe I am just making it out to be something that it really isn’t, and that is what has me so down and out lately. I need to stop worrying and I need to let the chips fall where they may. Yeah, that is what I need to do."

Stetson: "I am sure that is the beer talking, but it sounds good. Cheers to that…"

Both men share a laugh. John lifts his bottle up and clangs the glass against Stetson's bottle and both men take a sip of their beers.

_______________________________________________________________
Green's Thoughts

Immortality…

We all want our shot at immortality right? What immortality? All we get is a world title shot and we get our names etched in the record book. Big deal, right? To a lot of the other competitors in this contest, it is. They are laying it all on the line and they are throwing every single waking moment into preparing for this match. They are acting like their entire lives, their entire careers are hanging in the balance, but not me. I know that there is life after tomorrow. I will get up the next day and I will breathe the polluted air and eat and walk around, doing my normal everyday routine. To my opponents, most of them anyway, this is a case of life and death.

But not me…

I am not looking to become a comeback story of the year. I am not looking to prove that I am extraordinary. I am not here to keep the younger stars down and tell them that their generation still hasn’t found their niche and place in history. I am not here to rub it in my opponents' faces that I am lucky with getting opponents in this match. I don’t care who I face, I am going to go out there and fight as hard as I can, regardless. I welcome the kicks and the punches and the knife edge chops and the numbers games I am sure are bound to occur, I welcome all of it. Why? If I am able to withstand all of that, then I deserve to be the winner. If I succumb to it, then the better man will win on Sunday night.

I am not extraordinary.

I am not a legend.

I am not going out there to just impress anybody in the audience or anybody in the locker room area. I am going out there to fight my heart and see how far I will get. I am unsure what role I will play in this tourney, other than being an entrant. I am unsure of a lot of things, but I am not going to play myself up to be arrogant and confident, because I am far from it. There is so much going on inside of me and I don’t know what role any of it will play Sunday night. I am unsure of a lot of things, remember? Will I play the honor card and try to win this thing fairly, or will I succumb to the words Chris has been feeding me and do whatever I can, using my animalistic abilities if an opportunity arises?

Fuck if I know.

I am just tired.

I want to go down the entrance ramp, get in and get this thing done and over with as quickly as I possibly can. No matter what that means.

I am John Green.

A born loser?

Maybe…

Maybe I am just a little…

Different…

[glow=green,2,300]Dare To Be Different III: Frustration[/glow]

'Cause sometimes you feel tired, feel weak, and when you feel weak, you feel like you wanna just give up. But you gotta search within you, you gotta find that inner strength and just pull that shit out of you and get that motivation to not give up and not be a quitter, no matter how bad you wanna just fall flat on your face and collapse.' - Eminem

Green's Thoughts

Have you ever been to the point, where you have to choose? A crucial point in your life, where your decision will be the deciding factor that determines the person you will become. That is the point I am getting at here, people. I am standing here, back against the wall, screams of agony and violence surround me, while I stand here, nine millimeter gun in my mouth.

Hell, I am basically deep throating the barrel.

I am staring into the eyes of a mad man, his finger ready to squeeze the trigger. Looking into his eyes, I see the madness coursing through his body. His mind trapped within a never ending battle between good and evil, right and wrong. He knows that if he pulls the trigger, his decision would probably be for the best, even if the action would be dubbed wrong.

I look into the eyes of the mad man, and just by glaring into them, I am glaring into his soul and I sense the same contradictive nature that I, myself seem to have. The mad man and I are similar.

I blink…and realization sets in. I am in front of a mirror, peering into my own reflection, gun in my mouth, ready to end it all, ready to back away from the stress eating away at my core, like I am a fucking apple. The stress brought on upon my alliances and my desire to pass the test for the best.

Heh…

I am the mad man.

No matter how hard I try, questions still remain. I will never have any true answers to any of these questions and I believe that it scares me. I won't figure anything out by stressing over it. I will just have to let things work themselves out like I normally do. Whatever changes that are bound to occur, will and I will have to accept them for what they are.

Changes…

Do I have what it takes to win the Test For The Best? I will know if I win the damn thing, it is time to face the piper on that. Do I have the will to win? Everybody has the will to win, whether or not they do is another story altogether. It's fucked how things of this nature come to fruition just as you are getting down to the wire. You waste so much time stressing over bullshit and beating yourself up and when it comes time to put up or shut up, you are able to put things in perspective. Life is funny that way though, now isn’t it?

I often ask myself, where do I go from here? Last time I asked that, I ended up becoming the APW World Champion. Lightning isn’t going to strike twice ladies and gents; I know that for a fact. I can ask myself that, but I won't make it as far as I did last time, simply because I made it to the top. Where else is there to go? That is question I will have to answer myself. I mean, because there are so many possibilities as to where I could go. It is all a matter of where I want to go. Do I want to go back down to the under card and help groom the future stars of the APW? Do I work my way around the mid card, helping other stars become superstars, by giving them that one little extra boost that will springboard them to that next level? Or do I fight my way back into the top spot, back into the main event title picture and reclaim the APW Championship one more time?

I am trying to help younger superstars in this tournament get their careers going. They all are tremendous athlete and I respect all the abilities they possess, but now I am beginning to think I have bitten off more than I can chew with them. They all have me second guessing myself at every twist and turn in this long hard road known as my life. I haven’t been able to function as well inside the ring and outside in the real world. So what keeps me around them? What keeps me around, putting up with this shit? I truly believe it is because I think I can change their mind and change their ways and shape them into something new, something like me, before I became a fucking mess all of a sudden.

But what about my own ambitions and goals?

Do I just set them aside to help others meet their own? Do I take the loss so they can get the notoriety that should be mine? There I go, thinking greedy. But what is so wrong with thinking about yourself, putting yourself and your goals before everyone else? Should that not be the way to be? Greed has turned many wrestlers into success stories.

Level One, Michael Lively, Biggs, even Victo Hades for that matter all used greed and it pushed them to the top, several times. They stopped caring about others and they started worrying about number one and they became multiple time Champions, number one in the company and they got their faces on wrestling magazines across the world. I never wanted to be greedy. I wanted to become APW Champion for a long time, but after failing, I just stopped caring about the title altogether. I stopped caring about the fame and fortune. I got to the point where magazine covers, number one spots, and titles didn’t mean shit to me. I didn’t want any of it. But then again, maybe that was just me, lying to myself, selling myself short, not giving myself enough credit.

My mind is in a thousand pieces…

_________________________________________________________________

The scene opens as John Green's face is shown in a mirror. He has shaving cream on his face, as he appears to be standing in front of the bathroom mirror. His muscular body is dripping wet. He slowly slides the blade upwards on his left cheek, the blade grinding across his skin. He dips the razor in the water, and then slides the blade upward on again. He is preparing for a press conference that is to be held for Action Packed Wrestling's next pay per view, Test For The Best, the event that has been plaguing Green as of late. He hasn’t let anyone know of this, well any of his opponents in this case. He doesn’t speak, he remains silent, and this has always been his preferred method nowadays. He tried the talking game, but most of his words he couldn’t back up.

He now earns the moniker, Silent But Violent. He never wanted a nickname of any kind, but this one just sort of stuck. He would keep his thoughts to himself, much as he does now, and he would just go out and fight his heart out, losing care for a win or a loss. Giving the fans more than what they expected was the way he was going to do it. He would go out and do his job, carrying his opponents, bringing out more than they really wanted to; making sure the fans got the show that they deserved. He felt he owed the fans for all of the crap he had done and it was time to pay them back. Now, things have changed. He doesn’t know what he wants.

Green continues shaving, but begins to think to himself, as his hand glides the blade over his hairy skin, trying to remove any remaining stubble.

It is quite said how human beings listen to that little voice in the back of their heads, telling them that they are not good enough. I am one of those people. I listen to it as if it belonged to God himself and I feel anguish at the sudden arrival of the voice. Several of these people take their own lives, because they believe what they are told, such as the voice telling them that their day will be ruined if they wear a certain shirt. It has even happened to me. Why can't people just be happy with themselves? It is because people can't be happy with other people. All hail the self conscious theory!

Green makes a cup out of his hands, lets water fill up in between them, then splashes it onto his face, ridding his skin of any dirt and left over shaving cream. He pats his face dry and he stares into the mirror for a few moments, before turning away and walking out of the bathroom.
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I feel the still breeze, my heart breathes, A giant panic breath, for once I am scared to death, I feel no sense, no sign of hope, it's like I've reached the end of my rope, Desperation is at an all time high, I ask; always ask why, why, why? I get answers I'd rather not; Lock me away let this pitiful soul rot, I can only regress, there's no use there's nothing left, Allow me to finally rest; take away my mistakes, my regret, I am more than you see; potential hides behind the ugly, Black soul lifeless, no more words nothing can express,
_________________________________________________________________

Green's Thoughts

My mind is in a thousand pieces, where do I go from here? HA!

The question that plagues my mind, my year from Hell, the roller coaster ride to salvation. Looking into the eyes of the face in the mirror and I haven’t a clue as to who I am staring at. I catch a glimpse of who I should be. Oh how I yearn to be the man my words hype me to be. All I am is full of shit. I know myself for a few days or weeks if I'm lucky, but it's constantly changing. I am far from whole. If anything, I am scattered, scattered in ashes of time, scatter brained, what an identity! It is the one constant. I let myself down, yet I create an identity, a new mask to cover my face and flaws for a brief period, just to recapture any feeling related good, untouchable, and unbreakable. I am an uncontrollable mess, spiraling down, only to climb back up, just to suddenly lose my grip and balance, to slip and fall, and start over again.

I feel that things are coming together and falling apart at the same time. It's the story of my life though. I've grown to expect it. I have come to terms with the way of life, the way it flushes you down the toilet, pushing you to come out of the other end that it is unless you drown on the way out. You have to choose between sinking and swimming, in order to survive. You run for your life, missing out on the most important things, realizing the importance you left behind, realization kicks in when it is too late. The things that hit you in the end, they are already gone. They have hit me and those things that realization hit me with, led me to feel the crushing weight of regret.

A life of regret…

A world of regret…

Broken past, broken memories, eyes glued open, yet you see nothing. These elements lead you as they led me down the path, the road of regret, breaking my mind, flooding my thoughts with memories I tried to bury along with the rest of the ugly inside of me. Regret took control, pushing me, edging my closer and closer to the brink of insanity. I am losing my mind. My demons are my ghosts; resurfaced, coming back to life, just to taunt me, to haunt me, to torture my already tortured soul. I am messed up, yes I know…for my Bible…wait…for my mind tells me so.
_________________________________________________________________

Out of my mind, running out of time, the wheels are turning but nobody's home, feel so cold feel so alone, running in circles searching for a sign, all I know is that this is killing me

The scene opens up with John Green as he is shown driving in his car with his friend, Stetson Smith, as the scene begins.

Stetson: "So are you ready for Sunday night, John? It's just a few days away and you seemed pretty confident in your interview at the press conference, so I was just wondering..."

John (snapping): "WHAT? If I was faking it? You have to be confident, you have to be cocky and brash in your interviews at those things, otherwise people are going to hassle you over and over. I didn't feel like going through that shit today, Stetson. But to answer your question, I am ready as I can be. I say that I am confident and that I am mentally prepared, but in all honesty, no one ever truly is, I don't care what they say in their interviews or promos. We are wrestlers, we have to be full of shit."

Stetson: "Wow...so what's really bothering you, John? I know it is more than this tournament coming up. So what is it?"

John: "I'd rather not say, Stetson. I am going to do what I normally do, I am going to bottle this shit up, until it eats away at every ounce of my being. That is what I do, and that is what I will continue to do."

Stetson: "You don't have to do that..."

John (snapping once again): "NO I DON'T HAVE TO! But it is what I am going to do. It is what I know and I go with what I know. Nobody knows how to deal with my problems better than I do. So Stetson, stop trying to be the best friend. There is something wrong right now, I just can't figure it out myself. If I knew, I would be able to talk about it, but right now, I don't know what the fuck is wrong. I know it's obvious, something is off, I just don't know what..."

Both men grow silent after John finishes speaking. John keeps his eyes on the road, while Stetson sits in the passenger seat, eyes on the road as well, with his arms crossed, as if he were pouting. After a few moments, Green still deep in thought, speaking again.

John: "I just don't know what..."
_________________________________________________________________

Green's Thoughts

Frustration

Doubt

Two of the key elements in my self destruction so to speak. Frustration and doubt have plagued me right before a big match. They hit me leading up to RassleMania, when I defended the APW Championship against Kaos. And just as they hit me back then, they have returned and I am not prepared for it. But my frustration is different than before. My frustration and my doubt tie in together, tight like a pair of shoe strings or something. Over the last few days, hearing all of the other contestants go back and forth, running their mouths, hyping themselves up like they are the only ones in this fucking match. I wish people would just check their goddamn egos at the entrance ramp and come down to the ring and just fucking wrestle. Their egos aren't going to save them from elimination and it isn't going to ensure them the win.

People are hanging onto their reputations and all of their accomplishments, thinking that shit alone is going to help them become the winner of the Tournament. This is an anything goes, every man for himself, no one gives a shit about what you have done in the past and what you say you are going to do, because you usually don't get much breathing room to back up any of your claims, because let's face it...eight superstars...this will become the biggest clusterfuck in the history of the APW. No need to boast your ego, build it up until it reaches its boiling point or beyond even, because there is a good chance that you will walk away, eliminated, with your ego bruised. I have traveled that route and it never ends pretty. I have went into these kind of matches, cocky as all get out and next thing I know, I am back out onto the entrance ramp, walking to the backstage area. It is not a good feeling at all.

So why are am I frustrated? I have thought about it for a little bit, and I think it is much more than my problems with Kilgore. It is much more than that. You see, I cannot stand to see people who give it their all, week in and week out, putting out promo after promo, hyping up the match, showing interest in their match, putting all of this time and effort into each contest, only to get the short end of the stick. I cannot fucking stand that. You see, I am a bit frustrated because you have all these heavily favored superstars, who have thrown their name into the hat, multiple time champions in the APW, and next thing you know, they wait until the last minute to produce anything. I cannot stand laziness getting rewarded more than those who actually put work into their careers. You get to look at others who don't do a damn thing until the last minute, the day before the event, and somehow or another, they get more credit than their hard working opponent. It's like they get fucking pampered for some odd reason. And I am a bit frustrated because for some odd reason, I have this gut feeling that somebody who hasn't done a goddamn thing leading to the battle royal, will somehow manage to get the fucking and get an undeserved title match at Shockwave.

I have been beating myself up for the last two weeks, frustrated over what is going on between all the superstars in the tournament, because I am afraid that I am going to go down the same road Jesse is currently traveling. I don't want to do that. I want to remain who I am, but let's face it, I don't have the slightest fucking clue as to who I am anymore. I am lost and the only thing I can do, is bottle it up, let it shake around, until the bottle decides to explode and whatever comes out of it, comes out and I will have to accept it for what it is.

Frustration

Doubt

I have said time and time again, that I can be beaten, but I will not be broken, but I have come to the conclusion that I am the only one who can break myself and I believe I am about to crack. I have to hear people like Biggs claim that he is the real World Champion of the APW. Why? Sure he got screwed over many times, but in all honesty, you can't make it to the big dance with your head up your ass. I learned that the hard way. Biggs is indeed going to be a part of the future of the APW, just like so many others such as Sally Talford and so forth. Mannie wants that main event spotlight, he wants it so bad he can taste it and I admire his drive, but he is going about it the wrong way. You have to show that you want instead of just saying it. Any veteran of the APW, if they themselves don't have an ass full of their own head, will tell him and the other upcoming superstars the same damn thing. It is frustrating because I have done the same thing and you would think the stars of tomorrow would have caught on and saw what that did to me and countless other wrestling stars throughout the history of this sport. We could talk a big game, but in the end, our actions didn't cover half of what we had said.

I am not here to talk. I am done talking. I keep my thoughts to myself, because I would rather drink a fifth of Vodka and go driving down interstate, then to hear egos talk and talk and talk. I am not going to say that I am going to win the tourney, or act like I am going to win the damn thing, because I am a former APW Champion. No, I refuse to do that. I am not looking to be considered immortal, because I am not a vampire. If people want to remember me after I am finished with the wrestling business, good. If not, then so be it, it is your decision, not mine. People can comment on others and what league they are in, but this is a tournament, so that kind of talk is dumb, because nothing will be proven this Sunday night. People have talked about how they want to get some major competition out of this and that is what they will get. I myself am competing against myself, because my mind and my heart hardly ever work as a cohesive unit. My mind will tell me to go out and start suplexing everyone that gets in my way. My heart will tell me to bide my time, stay focused and be smart. It's hard to listen, it is frustrating trying to pay attention to which ever side is right.

But here is what I do know. I am going to go out there and I am going to do the best I can. I am going to do what my mind and my body and my heart will allow me to do. I can't put a percentage on it, because everyone who has watched me over the past few years in this sport, knows that I always give it my all, however much that is.

Eight superstars will go in, I am one of them. I am just a number right now, that is all I am. And I will fight my way through everyone else to make it to the end and be known as the last man standing, the man who passed the test to be the best in 2010.

John Green?

Only time will tell, right?