Post by Hollywood on Aug 25, 2010 21:40:06 GMT -4
APW Shockwave is on the horizon, and it looks to be a big night for the alliance of the Greatness and Red Shield Mafia. Shaun Kilgore defends his Overdrive Title for the first time against Bryan Payne, and both the Sports Nutz and Red Shield Mafia are competing for the APW Tag Team Titles in a match also featuring the Axis of Awesome and the AKA. That takes us to a press conference that "The Excellent Gordie" Gordon Heath has arranged over at the Dallas Cowboys main practice facility in Valley Ranch, Texas. Various members of the media are gathered in the press conference room, awaiting the arrival of Gordie, George and Craig. Gordie, dressed in jeans and a black shirt underneath a black sports coat, arrives; followed by George, dressed in khaki shorts and a light blue Hawaiian shirt and white golf cap; and Craig, dressed in black basketball shorts and a grey Sports Nutz T-shirt. They take their seats at the press conference table, using the mics in front of them that are on the table.
GORDIE
Alright, guys, I don't have all day. I have to meet Shaun here in about an hour, so we're going to take a few questions, then stop when I say so. Yes, you sir?
REPORTER #1
Recently, the AKA made comments about the weight problems of you guys. What do you have to say in response?
CRAIG MUELLER
Well we must've hit those guys on the head one too many times here lately. Why everyone is such an idiot as to lump me in as a fat ass just because George is a bit large I'll never figure out.
DUNPORK
Yeah, look at Craig over here! He couldn't gain any weight if he ate all of the donuts at a donut shop and put them out of business. And besides, I can do a lot of things that you wouldn't expect a big man to do, things that not even some of the "better workers" can do.
REPORTER #2
Yeah, like fart and belch at the same time during the match!
A loud roar of laughter can be heard coming from the reporters in the room. Even Gordie and Craig are having to keep their chuckles in. George, however, is not amused.
DUNPORK
Oh, you're a funny man, are you? You know what's really funny?! The fact that we have security to get your ass out of here!
Security guards grab a hold of the wisecracking reporter, forcefully dragging him out of the room. He tries to get the security guards off of him, prompting one of them to get a taser out.
REPORTER #2
Don't tase me, bro!
His plea seems to fall on deaf ears as the guard tases him, then with the help of the other security guard, drags him out. Everyone looks around, shocked at what just went down. Gordie and Craig look a bit uncomfortable, not wanting to get on George's bad side.
DUNPORK
Alright, anybody have any questions? Or do we just have a bunch of wiseguys in here?
REPORTER #3
Will the fact that you're competing against your allies, the Red Shield Mafia, in this match cause a rift in the alliance you guys share?
GORDIE
I guess you people really do have the attention span of a five year old, because if you had been paying attention, you would know that this will not cause any rift whatsoever.
CRAIG MUELLER
Yeah, we have a working agreement with the Red Shield Mafia that we're going to work together to get rid of the Axis of Awful and the Ass Lickers Anonymous. Then when it comes down to us and the Red Shield Mafia, all bets are off. We're going to throw everything we have at them, and they will do likewise, just like the good ol' days when we first arrived here in APW.
REPORTER #3
But guys, one would think that there will be some animosity in the group should either you or the Red Shield Mafia win the APW Tag Team Titles.
CRAIG MUELLER
Sure, there will be some professional jealousy, but should the Red Shield Mafia win, they'll be more than happy to give George and I a shot at the belts, and vice versa.
DUNPORK
Yeah, we're not going to hate the Red Shield Mafia if they win the APW Tag Titles. In fact, we won't get a chance to hate them because we plan on winning them.
REPORTER #4
What are your thoughts on the GM of APW, Biggs, putting himself in this Tag Team Title match?
GORDIE
It has to be the biggest injustice he's committed in APW yet, and is a major conflict of interest. Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if he made some sort of ruling stating that he and Chris Cyrus don't have to defend the titles unless they feel like it.
DUNPORK
Yeah, they'd call it the Hogan Rule.
REPORTER #5
I guess it's safe to assume that you won't be attending the GM's wedding.
GORDIE
There is no way in Hades that we would show up to that worthless piece of garbage's wedding. He turns his back on God, then calls upon him when he needs something. Makes me want to vomit. If anything, we would show up just to prevent him from being able to tie the knot by speaking up when the minister says to "speak now or forever hold your peace."
DUNPORK
Now we want to touch on something really quick before we end this press conference. As you all may know by now, our trainer, Gen. Skandor Akbar, passed away last week, and we attended his funeral yesterday in Wichita Falls. You better believe that we will be dedicating this match this coming Sunday to the leader of Devastation, Inc.
CRAIG MUELLER
If it wasn't for Skandor Akbar, we wouldn't be here talking about our big tag team championship match this coming Sunday. Akbar could've easily told George that he was too fat, but he didn't because he made stars out of other big men such as King Kong Bundy, the One Man Gang and Kamala. He could've easily told me that I was too skinny, but he didn't. He didn't even tell me that I needed to bulk up. In fact, he told me to just be myself and that my ability would speak for itself. And several years later, he would do the same for a good friend of ours in the Texas wrestling scene, "The Essence of Excellence" Robert Evans.
GORDIE
And believe me when I tell you that everything I've learned about being a great wrestling manager, I learned from Gen. Skandor Akbar. You might even see a fireball or two this coming Sunday.
Gordie winks at the media.
GORDIE
One last thing... Skandor Akbar came to us in a dream and said that the Axis of Awful and the Ass Lickers Anonymous can...
Gordie, George and Craig all stand up, grabbing their crotches.
CHOKE ON DEEZ NUTZ!!!
Gen. Skandor Akbar
1934-2010
GORDIE
Alright, guys, I don't have all day. I have to meet Shaun here in about an hour, so we're going to take a few questions, then stop when I say so. Yes, you sir?
REPORTER #1
Recently, the AKA made comments about the weight problems of you guys. What do you have to say in response?
CRAIG MUELLER
Well we must've hit those guys on the head one too many times here lately. Why everyone is such an idiot as to lump me in as a fat ass just because George is a bit large I'll never figure out.
DUNPORK
Yeah, look at Craig over here! He couldn't gain any weight if he ate all of the donuts at a donut shop and put them out of business. And besides, I can do a lot of things that you wouldn't expect a big man to do, things that not even some of the "better workers" can do.
REPORTER #2
Yeah, like fart and belch at the same time during the match!
A loud roar of laughter can be heard coming from the reporters in the room. Even Gordie and Craig are having to keep their chuckles in. George, however, is not amused.
DUNPORK
Oh, you're a funny man, are you? You know what's really funny?! The fact that we have security to get your ass out of here!
Security guards grab a hold of the wisecracking reporter, forcefully dragging him out of the room. He tries to get the security guards off of him, prompting one of them to get a taser out.
REPORTER #2
Don't tase me, bro!
His plea seems to fall on deaf ears as the guard tases him, then with the help of the other security guard, drags him out. Everyone looks around, shocked at what just went down. Gordie and Craig look a bit uncomfortable, not wanting to get on George's bad side.
DUNPORK
Alright, anybody have any questions? Or do we just have a bunch of wiseguys in here?
REPORTER #3
Will the fact that you're competing against your allies, the Red Shield Mafia, in this match cause a rift in the alliance you guys share?
GORDIE
I guess you people really do have the attention span of a five year old, because if you had been paying attention, you would know that this will not cause any rift whatsoever.
CRAIG MUELLER
Yeah, we have a working agreement with the Red Shield Mafia that we're going to work together to get rid of the Axis of Awful and the Ass Lickers Anonymous. Then when it comes down to us and the Red Shield Mafia, all bets are off. We're going to throw everything we have at them, and they will do likewise, just like the good ol' days when we first arrived here in APW.
REPORTER #3
But guys, one would think that there will be some animosity in the group should either you or the Red Shield Mafia win the APW Tag Team Titles.
CRAIG MUELLER
Sure, there will be some professional jealousy, but should the Red Shield Mafia win, they'll be more than happy to give George and I a shot at the belts, and vice versa.
DUNPORK
Yeah, we're not going to hate the Red Shield Mafia if they win the APW Tag Titles. In fact, we won't get a chance to hate them because we plan on winning them.
REPORTER #4
What are your thoughts on the GM of APW, Biggs, putting himself in this Tag Team Title match?
GORDIE
It has to be the biggest injustice he's committed in APW yet, and is a major conflict of interest. Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if he made some sort of ruling stating that he and Chris Cyrus don't have to defend the titles unless they feel like it.
DUNPORK
Yeah, they'd call it the Hogan Rule.
REPORTER #5
I guess it's safe to assume that you won't be attending the GM's wedding.
GORDIE
There is no way in Hades that we would show up to that worthless piece of garbage's wedding. He turns his back on God, then calls upon him when he needs something. Makes me want to vomit. If anything, we would show up just to prevent him from being able to tie the knot by speaking up when the minister says to "speak now or forever hold your peace."
DUNPORK
Now we want to touch on something really quick before we end this press conference. As you all may know by now, our trainer, Gen. Skandor Akbar, passed away last week, and we attended his funeral yesterday in Wichita Falls. You better believe that we will be dedicating this match this coming Sunday to the leader of Devastation, Inc.
CRAIG MUELLER
If it wasn't for Skandor Akbar, we wouldn't be here talking about our big tag team championship match this coming Sunday. Akbar could've easily told George that he was too fat, but he didn't because he made stars out of other big men such as King Kong Bundy, the One Man Gang and Kamala. He could've easily told me that I was too skinny, but he didn't. He didn't even tell me that I needed to bulk up. In fact, he told me to just be myself and that my ability would speak for itself. And several years later, he would do the same for a good friend of ours in the Texas wrestling scene, "The Essence of Excellence" Robert Evans.
GORDIE
And believe me when I tell you that everything I've learned about being a great wrestling manager, I learned from Gen. Skandor Akbar. You might even see a fireball or two this coming Sunday.
Gordie winks at the media.
GORDIE
One last thing... Skandor Akbar came to us in a dream and said that the Axis of Awful and the Ass Lickers Anonymous can...
Gordie, George and Craig all stand up, grabbing their crotches.
CHOKE ON DEEZ NUTZ!!!
Gen. Skandor Akbar
1934-2010
