Post by Jimmy The Lock on Jan 16, 2011 16:20:31 GMT -4
Previously On Scared Straight...
A quick video package showing highlights of the first half of scared straight begins to roll. a slow motion clip of an enraged Biff Riboflavin lunging at one of the "at risk youths" with a sharpened chicken bone is shown. Clips of Biff screaming at and berating the kids are shown as well. The video package ends, bringing us to the present. All order has been restored in the C.R.A.P conference room. Biff has been escorted out to cool off, and James now has the floor. He paces back and forth, surveying the terrified youths. His brother Martin and Uncle Matthew stand firmly in the background.
James: You see that? You see how wild and crazy the motherfucker is?! WELL I'M CRAZIER! I'M HERE Armed Murder, Attempted Robbery, AND RIPPING THE GODDAMNED TAG OFF A MOTHAFUCKIN SERTA MATTRESS! I---
A knock comes at the door.
James: Who is that interrupting, who the fuck is that?
Noah Riboflavin timidly pokes his head through the door.
Noah: James, we need you out here now, Biff is going craz---
James: Shut the fuck up! You know what, since you want to interrupt, Get yo' pretty white ass in here!
Noah sighs in frustration.
Noah: James, please.
James: Please my ass, get in here, Snowflake!
Noah reluctantly strolls through the door.
James: Y'all see this right here?! This is what you call a PRISON BITCH!
Suddenly, Martin Chambers steps forward, cupping Noah's buttocks. Noah's eyes bulge in a combination of fear and shock.
Martin: That's right, all day long! Seven days an Hour, 24 days a week! This is my cupcake, and he don't need no Vanilla frosting!
James cringes in disgust.
Martin: I'm gonna tell you bitches something right now. All you motherfuckers, except for you....
Martin motions to one of the female students, who happens to have a cleft lip, club foot and a lazy eye.
Martin: .....Will get raped in here! You think i'm joking? I know! I've been incarcerated for over 25 years!You know what means? I have participated in as well as overseen the execution of many ass rapes. As a matter of fact, i am head of The National Inmate Oral and Anal Violations Committee! You think it's a game, still?! Watch what i do to this one!
Martin motions to Noah.
Noah: No. Wait, Martin, no!
Martin grabs Noah by the collar, and slowly but forcefully begins to lead him out of the conference room.
Noah: James! Say something! Make him stop! JAMES! JAAAAAAMMMMES!!!!!!
Noah continues to plead his case all the way out of the room as he and Martin exit the conference room, slamming the door behind them. Uncle Matthew steps forward to begin his speech, clutching plastic bottle with a red liquid in it.
Matthew: Yuewall see dis? Hmm? This hot sauce. How menny a y'all like hot sauce. Lotta ya, right? RIGHT?!
The teens nod their heads in agreement.
Matthew: Weh gess what? AIN'T NO HOT SAUCE IN PRISON! Only Ketchup. Ya no what ya gotta due if ya want some hot sauce, don't ya? Ya gotta (unintelligible) with a VHS copy of The Big Lebowski! Whaddya thinka that?!
Matthew pulls a teaspoon from the breast pocket of his jumpsuit. He undoes the top on the bottle and pours some into the teaspoon. He holds out the teaspoon to one of the students.
Matthew: Nah open up fo da airplane.
The students pulls his head back in disgust.
Matthew: Ya don't like da airplane? How bout da choo choo train?
The student again resists.
Matthew: MOTHAFUCKA OPEN YO GODDAMN MOUF!
The student doesn't resist this time, and fearfully parts his jaws. He is clenching his eyelids together hard, preparing for the worst. Matthew inserts the spoon with the homemade hot sauce on it into his mouth and removes it. At first the student looks horrified, but a relieved look comes over his face.
Student #2: Is that really homemade? What are the ingredients?
Matthew: Ketchup, pepper...and URINE!
The students eyes bulge in shock. He leaps from his seat and makes a beeline for the door. He slings it open, and as he does this, we hear the blood curdling screams of Noah Riboflavin. The students bolts out the door, and nearly collides with a passing Noah, who is stumbling to pull up his pants and run for his life at the same time. Seconds later, we see a quick flash of Martin Chambers in pursuit of Noah. The camera falls back on a stern faced James.
James: You see that? This kind of shit happens all the time in the joint. At any time, this could be you. I got a little riddle for ya. What has thumbs, and is going to fuck your entire world up as you know it if you come back to this place?
A hush falls over the room, as the traumatized students refuse to answer out of fear for their lives. James motions to himself.
James: THIS GUY!
Another knock comes at the door. This time, it's Project manager Crystal Mendoza.
Crystal: Mr. Chambers, we need you, NOW. It is CHAOS out here.
James: Not right now, Crystal, I'm really getting through to these kids!
Crystal: Jimmy, with all due respect, you need to get your ASS out here. There's some kid in the woman's room crying hysterically and scrubbing his entire mouth with hand soap. Martin is chasing Noah, and on top of that, we had to sedate Biff.
James: Sedate Biff? Why?
Crystal: He bugged out, he tried to stab Ashley with a sharpened chicken bone he kept referring to as his prison shank. He then began claiming his face was on fire, and that Gary Busey was spying on him from space. He swore that there was 60 foot blue Elephant crushing cities in New York and was calling his cousin, a polka-dotted multi-colored rhinoceros to destroy Atlanta. Is that enough?
James: Ok, ok. I'm coming. What I'm about to say, don't take personally, just play along, please.
Crystal shakes her head disapprovingly, but agrees anyway. James turns away from Crystal, and leans back into the room.
James: You tell that punk-ass warden that I'll come down the office when I'm good and ready. And if anyone you punk-ass C.O's come down here rushing me again, there's gonna be a misunderstanding with some furniture moving around this motherfucker, you got that, BITCH?!
James winks at Crystal, who just rolls her eyes and slams the door.
James: And as for the rest of ya. I gots to go handle some business. But while I'm gone, i want all your attention set on Matthew. Take it away, Uncle!
Matthew: TEXAS PETE! RED HOT! What's da difference? I'll tell ya.....
Matthew's lecture trails off as James quickly exits the conference room and enters the hallway, where he follows Crystal Mendoza to the break room. James is taken aback when he sees Biff Riboflavin comatose and heavily duct taped to a swivel chair. There is a large welt on his forehead and a needle protruding from his neck.
James: What the hell did you sedate him with?
Crystal: Jerry the Custodian whacked him with a two by four. Thank god Andy Patel was up here.
James: The druggie from the mail room?
Just then, Andy Patel walks in. He swiftly rips the needle from Biff's neck giving a sickening "thwip" sound, causing everyone around except Andy to cringe in disgust.
Andy: Don't worry Jimmy. That's pure horse tranquilizer right there. Homeboy should at least be out for another six hours. He was tripping balls pretty hard, man.
James: What do you mean?
Andy: You see that Blue Star tattoo on his neck?
James: Yeah...so? It's a removable lick and stick tattoo.
Andy: That removable lick and stick tattoo was laced with acid, holmes.
James: I thought that was a stupid Urban Legend
Andy: Hell no, That shit is for real,man. It wasn't as bad as it could have been, though. We're pretty lucky. I saw a dude get so fucked up acid one time that he beat somebody to death using another dude as a weapon, killing both dudes at the same time! He then smothered his own head in onions and gravy and ate it!
Confused looks fly all around.
Andy: All right, all right, fine, i exaggerated that story a little bit.
James: Oh, really?
Andy: Yeah, the part about the two man double death beat down? Total bullshit.
Andy happily returns the needle into his drug kit and walks out of the break room. James and Crystal are left with the sleeping Biff Riboflavin.
Crystal: Well, He does look peaceful.
James: Like a little tweaked out angel.
Meanwhile Ashley Tumbleston, who is now sporting an eye patch from being pegged in the face with James's cell phone last episode pokes her head in the break room.
Ashley: Can i have my chair back now?
20 minutes later
We find the boss in his office. All his tattoos have been wiped off (they were revealed to be airbrushed on) and James has resumed his business attire. Finally, he sets down the stack of papers, reclines in his chair and sighs.
So just i thought he would, Ebitch again cut another boring ass promo, showing that not only is he a stone age mongoloid, but he also has no sense of history or imagination. Okay, so you were in ONE title match. Whoopdy fuckin' doo. Still doesn't mean shit, i bet those Pay Per View buy numbers were probably the lowest in EWC history. The day somebody puts you in a main event is the day that every wrestler with at least an inkling of athletic ability dies. You know what you are, Ebon? You are basically Chris Cyrus with an attitude problem. Sure, you talk loads more shit, and you might have a little bit personality, but that's about it.
You two bitches are two peas in a pod, birds of a feather, and soon, that's not the only thing you'll have in common. First I'm going to grab you around that flimsy little neck of yours, and then I'm going to commence to ramming my fist through that already mangled face of yours. Is that simple enough for you, or should i break out some flash cards?
You're nothing Ebon. You're a not a has been, you're nothing even a never was. You're NOTHING. You're a fucking no-thought. You think ten, twenty years from now when people are running down their list of greats that you're going to be anywhere near that discussion? Fuck no! You won't even break the hundreds. Face it Ebon, this is the most important match of your career, you know it, i know, and everyone in the back knows it.
You're all gassed up on the hype created by your own feeble little imagination. But don't worry, because on Asylum, i guarantee you will be brought back to earth, no question. You're going to be sorry you ever decided to fuck with me. You were better off jumping one of those mid-card bottom feeders. But u have to say, i admire you for going for the top dog. But admiration isn't going to save you. One thing's for certain, two things are for sure. You're going to be laying on your back like a five dollar whore wondering what the fuck hit you, and I'm going to be perched on the second rope, proudly holding up my IWC Insane Championship. You think i make empty threats? Watch what i tell you.
Four hours later...
Back in the conference room Matthew is still lecturing the horrified teens. He has even made bowls of rice for the kids with his homemade hot sauce and is forcing them to eat it.
Matthew: An whennit comes to soul food, you got to coooordinate! Ya see Texas Pete is good with chicken, Matthew's hot sauce is good on EVERYTHANG!
Fade to black
A quick video package showing highlights of the first half of scared straight begins to roll. a slow motion clip of an enraged Biff Riboflavin lunging at one of the "at risk youths" with a sharpened chicken bone is shown. Clips of Biff screaming at and berating the kids are shown as well. The video package ends, bringing us to the present. All order has been restored in the C.R.A.P conference room. Biff has been escorted out to cool off, and James now has the floor. He paces back and forth, surveying the terrified youths. His brother Martin and Uncle Matthew stand firmly in the background.
James: You see that? You see how wild and crazy the motherfucker is?! WELL I'M CRAZIER! I'M HERE Armed Murder, Attempted Robbery, AND RIPPING THE GODDAMNED TAG OFF A MOTHAFUCKIN SERTA MATTRESS! I---
A knock comes at the door.
James: Who is that interrupting, who the fuck is that?
Noah Riboflavin timidly pokes his head through the door.
Noah: James, we need you out here now, Biff is going craz---
James: Shut the fuck up! You know what, since you want to interrupt, Get yo' pretty white ass in here!
Noah sighs in frustration.
Noah: James, please.
James: Please my ass, get in here, Snowflake!
Noah reluctantly strolls through the door.
James: Y'all see this right here?! This is what you call a PRISON BITCH!
Suddenly, Martin Chambers steps forward, cupping Noah's buttocks. Noah's eyes bulge in a combination of fear and shock.
Martin: That's right, all day long! Seven days an Hour, 24 days a week! This is my cupcake, and he don't need no Vanilla frosting!
James cringes in disgust.
Martin: I'm gonna tell you bitches something right now. All you motherfuckers, except for you....
Martin motions to one of the female students, who happens to have a cleft lip, club foot and a lazy eye.
Martin: .....Will get raped in here! You think i'm joking? I know! I've been incarcerated for over 25 years!You know what means? I have participated in as well as overseen the execution of many ass rapes. As a matter of fact, i am head of The National Inmate Oral and Anal Violations Committee! You think it's a game, still?! Watch what i do to this one!
Martin motions to Noah.
Noah: No. Wait, Martin, no!
Martin grabs Noah by the collar, and slowly but forcefully begins to lead him out of the conference room.
Noah: James! Say something! Make him stop! JAMES! JAAAAAAMMMMES!!!!!!
Noah continues to plead his case all the way out of the room as he and Martin exit the conference room, slamming the door behind them. Uncle Matthew steps forward to begin his speech, clutching plastic bottle with a red liquid in it.
Matthew: Yuewall see dis? Hmm? This hot sauce. How menny a y'all like hot sauce. Lotta ya, right? RIGHT?!
The teens nod their heads in agreement.
Matthew: Weh gess what? AIN'T NO HOT SAUCE IN PRISON! Only Ketchup. Ya no what ya gotta due if ya want some hot sauce, don't ya? Ya gotta (unintelligible) with a VHS copy of The Big Lebowski! Whaddya thinka that?!
Matthew pulls a teaspoon from the breast pocket of his jumpsuit. He undoes the top on the bottle and pours some into the teaspoon. He holds out the teaspoon to one of the students.
Matthew: Nah open up fo da airplane.
The students pulls his head back in disgust.
Matthew: Ya don't like da airplane? How bout da choo choo train?
The student again resists.
Matthew: MOTHAFUCKA OPEN YO GODDAMN MOUF!
The student doesn't resist this time, and fearfully parts his jaws. He is clenching his eyelids together hard, preparing for the worst. Matthew inserts the spoon with the homemade hot sauce on it into his mouth and removes it. At first the student looks horrified, but a relieved look comes over his face.
Student #2: Is that really homemade? What are the ingredients?
Matthew: Ketchup, pepper...and URINE!
The students eyes bulge in shock. He leaps from his seat and makes a beeline for the door. He slings it open, and as he does this, we hear the blood curdling screams of Noah Riboflavin. The students bolts out the door, and nearly collides with a passing Noah, who is stumbling to pull up his pants and run for his life at the same time. Seconds later, we see a quick flash of Martin Chambers in pursuit of Noah. The camera falls back on a stern faced James.
James: You see that? This kind of shit happens all the time in the joint. At any time, this could be you. I got a little riddle for ya. What has thumbs, and is going to fuck your entire world up as you know it if you come back to this place?
A hush falls over the room, as the traumatized students refuse to answer out of fear for their lives. James motions to himself.
James: THIS GUY!
Another knock comes at the door. This time, it's Project manager Crystal Mendoza.
Crystal: Mr. Chambers, we need you, NOW. It is CHAOS out here.
James: Not right now, Crystal, I'm really getting through to these kids!
Crystal: Jimmy, with all due respect, you need to get your ASS out here. There's some kid in the woman's room crying hysterically and scrubbing his entire mouth with hand soap. Martin is chasing Noah, and on top of that, we had to sedate Biff.
James: Sedate Biff? Why?
Crystal: He bugged out, he tried to stab Ashley with a sharpened chicken bone he kept referring to as his prison shank. He then began claiming his face was on fire, and that Gary Busey was spying on him from space. He swore that there was 60 foot blue Elephant crushing cities in New York and was calling his cousin, a polka-dotted multi-colored rhinoceros to destroy Atlanta. Is that enough?
James: Ok, ok. I'm coming. What I'm about to say, don't take personally, just play along, please.
Crystal shakes her head disapprovingly, but agrees anyway. James turns away from Crystal, and leans back into the room.
James: You tell that punk-ass warden that I'll come down the office when I'm good and ready. And if anyone you punk-ass C.O's come down here rushing me again, there's gonna be a misunderstanding with some furniture moving around this motherfucker, you got that, BITCH?!
James winks at Crystal, who just rolls her eyes and slams the door.
James: And as for the rest of ya. I gots to go handle some business. But while I'm gone, i want all your attention set on Matthew. Take it away, Uncle!
Matthew: TEXAS PETE! RED HOT! What's da difference? I'll tell ya.....
Matthew's lecture trails off as James quickly exits the conference room and enters the hallway, where he follows Crystal Mendoza to the break room. James is taken aback when he sees Biff Riboflavin comatose and heavily duct taped to a swivel chair. There is a large welt on his forehead and a needle protruding from his neck.
James: What the hell did you sedate him with?
Crystal: Jerry the Custodian whacked him with a two by four. Thank god Andy Patel was up here.
James: The druggie from the mail room?
Just then, Andy Patel walks in. He swiftly rips the needle from Biff's neck giving a sickening "thwip" sound, causing everyone around except Andy to cringe in disgust.
Andy: Don't worry Jimmy. That's pure horse tranquilizer right there. Homeboy should at least be out for another six hours. He was tripping balls pretty hard, man.
James: What do you mean?
Andy: You see that Blue Star tattoo on his neck?
James: Yeah...so? It's a removable lick and stick tattoo.
Andy: That removable lick and stick tattoo was laced with acid, holmes.
James: I thought that was a stupid Urban Legend
Andy: Hell no, That shit is for real,man. It wasn't as bad as it could have been, though. We're pretty lucky. I saw a dude get so fucked up acid one time that he beat somebody to death using another dude as a weapon, killing both dudes at the same time! He then smothered his own head in onions and gravy and ate it!
Confused looks fly all around.
Andy: All right, all right, fine, i exaggerated that story a little bit.
James: Oh, really?
Andy: Yeah, the part about the two man double death beat down? Total bullshit.
Andy happily returns the needle into his drug kit and walks out of the break room. James and Crystal are left with the sleeping Biff Riboflavin.
Crystal: Well, He does look peaceful.
James: Like a little tweaked out angel.
Meanwhile Ashley Tumbleston, who is now sporting an eye patch from being pegged in the face with James's cell phone last episode pokes her head in the break room.
Ashley: Can i have my chair back now?
20 minutes later
We find the boss in his office. All his tattoos have been wiped off (they were revealed to be airbrushed on) and James has resumed his business attire. Finally, he sets down the stack of papers, reclines in his chair and sighs.
So just i thought he would, Ebitch again cut another boring ass promo, showing that not only is he a stone age mongoloid, but he also has no sense of history or imagination. Okay, so you were in ONE title match. Whoopdy fuckin' doo. Still doesn't mean shit, i bet those Pay Per View buy numbers were probably the lowest in EWC history. The day somebody puts you in a main event is the day that every wrestler with at least an inkling of athletic ability dies. You know what you are, Ebon? You are basically Chris Cyrus with an attitude problem. Sure, you talk loads more shit, and you might have a little bit personality, but that's about it.
You two bitches are two peas in a pod, birds of a feather, and soon, that's not the only thing you'll have in common. First I'm going to grab you around that flimsy little neck of yours, and then I'm going to commence to ramming my fist through that already mangled face of yours. Is that simple enough for you, or should i break out some flash cards?
You're nothing Ebon. You're a not a has been, you're nothing even a never was. You're NOTHING. You're a fucking no-thought. You think ten, twenty years from now when people are running down their list of greats that you're going to be anywhere near that discussion? Fuck no! You won't even break the hundreds. Face it Ebon, this is the most important match of your career, you know it, i know, and everyone in the back knows it.
You're all gassed up on the hype created by your own feeble little imagination. But don't worry, because on Asylum, i guarantee you will be brought back to earth, no question. You're going to be sorry you ever decided to fuck with me. You were better off jumping one of those mid-card bottom feeders. But u have to say, i admire you for going for the top dog. But admiration isn't going to save you. One thing's for certain, two things are for sure. You're going to be laying on your back like a five dollar whore wondering what the fuck hit you, and I'm going to be perched on the second rope, proudly holding up my IWC Insane Championship. You think i make empty threats? Watch what i tell you.
Four hours later...
Back in the conference room Matthew is still lecturing the horrified teens. He has even made bowls of rice for the kids with his homemade hot sauce and is forcing them to eat it.
Matthew: An whennit comes to soul food, you got to coooordinate! Ya see Texas Pete is good with chicken, Matthew's hot sauce is good on EVERYTHANG!
Fade to black
