Post by Jimmy The Lock on Feb 26, 2011 22:18:53 GMT -4
The scene opens inside the local Long Island news station. In just a few minutes we will be going live with the evening news. Production assistants are scrambling about trying to prepare things as the news Anchors begin descending from their dressing rooms. First up is Rebecca Rincon, a smokin' hot 27 year old brunette (aren't all female news anchors hot these days?) who has been working for the station for nearly two years. Second is Skip Walker, who is 37 years old and obnoxious as they come. He overcompensates for his hairpiece and erectile dysfunction by drowning himself in unspeakable amounts of cheap cologne and spending money he can't afford to spend on knockoff Armani suits.
They both take their respective seats as they get the signal from a production assistant who counts them down. After the countdown, the intro music plays and the camera zooms in on them both.
Rebecca: Good evening Long Island and welcome to another edition of the evening news. Tonight, we will cover our top story where learn the verdict in the trial of a Long Island woman charged with Cruelty to Animals after she allegedly attempted to give her Chinese Hairless a tan. But first up, misconduct in the wrestling world!
Skip: That's right, Rebecca. Pro Wrestler James Chambers has come under fire for his actions in a video that surfaced online this week. In the video, which was filmed right here in Long Island, Mr. Chambers was observed viciously attacking fellow wrestler Chris Cyrus with punches, kicks, and various weapons.
Rebecca: Local pro wrestling organization IWC held an event titled Massacre on 34th Street, which is where the assault took place. According to Mr. Cyrus, he had already been impaired from a grueling match he had been involved in earlier that night. He claims this led Mr. Chambers to victory and now he is crying foul. The loss reportedly sent him into a deep depression, causing him to waste fifty dollars and entire kilo of heroin on hiring Ebon, another wrestler whose career is also rapidly declining to attack Mr. Chambers in an attempt to get in his head, a feat which he failed miserably at.
Skip: While the video has garnered millions of views online, it has also earned the disdain of Chris Cyrus fans everywhere, three to be specific.
The camera zooms in on a large monitor behind the anchors, which displays a blue screen containing the angry tweets of outraged fans.
CyrusFan694u tweets "James Chambers iz a big poopy hed, i hoap Cyrus sends him straight to heck"
HeadlokRox tweets "The only reason James Chambers is champion is because of affirmative action. HEADLOCK!"
MamaCyrus tweets "James Chambers robbed my son of the IWC Insane Championship just like God robbed me of an intelligent, handsome, athletically gifted and successful child."
We cut back to Rebecca and Skip.
Rebecca: Tonight, Mr. Chambers will be joining us via Live Feed from his office at C.R.A.P enterprises where he will explain his actions, and issue a public apology to Mr. Cyrus.
Skip: We're getting word that he is queued up and ready to go.
The camera switches to a split screen with Rebecca and Skip on one side, and a full shot of James on the other. He wears an argyle sweater vest and creme colored dockers slacks with penny loafers. Looks like Carlton Banks had a garage sale.
Skip: Hello, Mr. Chambers. How are you today?
James: Doing fine, Skip.
Rebecca: There is alot of controversy stemming from what went down at Massacre on 34th street. Can you speak on that?
James: Yes, yes i can. As it happens, i trained really hard because i wanted to be prepared for anything. Unfortunately i was too prepared and ended up winning.
Skip: Even though Chris Cyrus is getting a rematch this weekend at Blood, Sweat, and Broken Teeth he still keeps bringing up the incident, which took place nearly two months ago. Why do you think he is holding onto this?
James: Chris has had it rough not just in his career, but in his personal life as well. I can only imagine how difficult it was for him growing up as a socially awkward and physically underdeveloped child without genitalia and being forced to urinate through a straw inserted in his belly button. On the career side, He was mildly successful in APW, only to lose his job and girlfriend to his former tag team partner who was eons more talented then he could ever imagine being. He came to IWC with dreams of trying to keep the mild ember of career he had left burning, and with the loss at Massacre on 34th street, he feels that ember was swiftly blown out.
Rebecca: In the past, you have made many degrading comments about Mr. Cyrus. On one occasion you referred to him as a "Useless tool who should be traded to China for an Ipad". In another interview you were quoted as saying "If i had two bullets in a gun and were in a room with Adolf Hitler, Satan, and Chris Cyrus, I'd shoot that rat bastard Cyrus twice, reload, and shoot him six more times and then run him over with a Combine Harvester." Do you still feel this way?
James: Rebecca, when i made those comments it was in the heat of the moment. Chris has said some things that really got under my skin, and i made those statements out of anger.
Skip: We understand that it is your wish to apologize, what would you like to say?
James: Chris, i know life is rough for you right now and what that I've done to you has not helped to make things easier. So, from the bottom of my heart, I'd like to apologize for taking less damage in defeating several opponents than you did in defeating one at Massacre on 34th Street. I am sorry for working out, taking vitamins, maintaining a healthy diet and just generally being in all around better shape than you. I also apologize for being well liked and respected by IWC fans and Misfits alike. I am sorry that i am not undersized, both mentally and physically. I am also sorry for making those deplorable comments about your Grandmother. I was unaware that she actually does have one eye and a wooden leg with a kickstand.
I am sorry that i do not have a painfully mediocre moveset limited to poorly executed headlocks and clotheslines which i am proud of. I am sorry for using weapons in a hardcore wrestling promotion. However, out of all my indiscretions, i am most remorseful for soundly defeating you. I wish i could have pinned someone else to get the win like you did in your victory over me. I requested this match because i am more than willing to give you another shot at my belt in a weapons free contest. If we could all learn to free ourselves from responsibility by blaming others like you do, the world would be a much more carefree place.
Rebecca: Well there you have it folks, an emotional and heartfelt apology from the champion.
Skip: We've got to go pay the bills, but when we return, a man claims JWoww from Jersey shore got him pregnant and is now denying paternity. Find out more after the break.
The scene fades out to commercial break.
It's about six in the evening as we arrive at the IWC Arena in Long Island. It is here where champion James Chambers will be defending his IWC Insane Championship against Chris Cyrus in less than 24 hours. We find the champion seated in the center of the front row of the darkened arena, wearing a black tracksuit with and a wool cap of the same color. Through his unzipped track jacket he wears a white T-shirt that reads "Cyrus Is My Bitch".
Nice shirt, right? Well this is just the prototype! Don't worry, there will be plenty to be had after i crush the bones in your face into a fine powder, a powder which hopefully, Ebon doesn't try to snort. I've already arranged to have 200 of these babies printed up, and at the next Asylum i will pass them out free of charge to all the IWC faithful as compensation for being subjected to your constant fuckery for the past few months. Because honestly, this whole thing is just as much about them as it is about me, maybe even more.
You come here, shooting off your mouth and preaching your anti-hardcore garbage trying to make yourself look good, but all you managed to do was alienate potential fans and piss of everyone in the locker room with your lapdog Ebon being the sole exception. You walk into their hometown, you step in their ring, and then you proceed to insult and berate them and tell them that their brand of wrestling isn't good enough. Who the fuck do you think you are? I have never in all my years seen a more pompous, self righteous prick than yourself. With your actions, you have officially cemented your status as the biggest piece of shit in professional wrestling.
After the last Asylum, It took every fiber of my being to not to track you down backstage, kick open the door to your locker room, interrupt one of you and Ebon's fuck sessions and beat the shit out of you right then. The only thing that kept me from doing such a thing was the fact that while I'd be satisfying my primal urges to brutalize you, I'd be depriving the fans of getting their pound of flesh at Blood, Sweat, and Broken teeth. If i would have done that to them, then i wouldn't have been any better than you, and i refuse to stoop to that level.
With that said, i feel compelled to ask you, was it worth it? Did you actually believe the semen coated filth sloshing out of your free-flapping blowjob box? My guess is you didn't. And now that you've gotten yourself in enough shit to fill the grand canyon, the only thing you can do is be a man for the first time in your miserable existence. You're going to have to step into the ring and answer charges of being a weapons grade douche, something you face multiple counts of. It would be cliche for me to say that I'm going to be the judge, jury and executioner, and I'm glad i won't have to since it isn't true. The fans will be the judge and jury, and since your guilt is as obvious as your lack of talent, as soon as they sign the death warrant your ass is mine.
And that brings us to Blood, Sweat, and Broken Teeth. As far as I'm concerned, this is my Rasslemania, and there is no tomorrow until the human stain that is Chris Cyrus is eliminated completely. These aren't just my words, this is fate talking. And everyone knows that you don't go against fate, because when you do, the odds of fate fucking your shit up entirely are overwhelming. What makes it worse for you is that not only fate not on your side, Karma ain't too fond of you either. Do you realize how badly of a walking, talking, oxygen pollution human cesspool you have to be to have two supernatural forces working against you? You have to be one detestable motherfucker, and you fit the description to a T.
You shouldn't just be worried about the size disadvantage you face, because there's more to it then that. There's also the razor sharp technique that i use to compliment the size and power i bring, and if you throw in just a dash of speed, well that makes for quite the lethal combination. In short, no matter where this match goes, you have a crack rock's chance on Ebon's coffee table of walking out of this match under your own power. But this is what you wanted, right? Well, you're going to get it because i plan to eviscerate you in a fashion so grotesque that even the most bloodthristy IWC fan will be looking away in shock.
You think you've managed to get in my head with all your juvenile bullshit, the day you get in my head is the day Ebon wins a match. I got my ass handed to me by a 60 year old man, sure. But I'm willing to be my entire paycheck that if you would have gone up against the same man, you would have been killed. But besides that, it was a fucking joke! It was my attempt at humor, which is more than you could ever offer the fans. The things i do for laughs should be the least of your worries, because rest assured, i will NOT be laughing when i step in that ring. You think just because you have yourself filmed working out that I'm supposed to be intimidated?
Bitch please, that promo was probably the first time your sickly looking ass has probably even touched a set of weights in years. I am the champion, i always will be champion and there is absolutely nothing you can do or say to change that. But there is one positive role you will play in this match, albeit it's for all the wrong reasons, it's still a positive role nontheless. You get to be the lucky guinea pig that i get to showcase my technical wrestling ability on. This is going to be the greatest match of my career, and one day, when you're an old decrepit fuck up drowning your sorrows in alchohol in a shitty dive bar, you can talk some poor bar patron's ear about your moderate success as a professional wrestler. Bah, what am i saying? They wouldn't believe you anyway, because it isn't true.
Well, i tried, i tried to apologize for being better than you in every way, shape or form, but i guess that didn't work at all. Sorry to burst your bubble princess, but IWC is my home now. I'm the man of the house, and you pose a threat to the sanctity of my home. You don't like what i say? Prove me wrong. And as the old saying goes "You want some, come get some, motherfucker." When they look back on the history of the Insane Wrestling Championship and talk about the greats that performed in that ring, they're not going to be talking about Chris Cyrus. As a matter of fact, i highly doubt anyone's going to know who the fuck you are in ten years.
The person they will be talking about? Me. James Chambers, the greatest to ever compete in IWC and arguably one of the greatest professional wrestlers our our time.
The champion gets up and walks away with a broad smile as the scene fades to black.
They both take their respective seats as they get the signal from a production assistant who counts them down. After the countdown, the intro music plays and the camera zooms in on them both.
Rebecca: Good evening Long Island and welcome to another edition of the evening news. Tonight, we will cover our top story where learn the verdict in the trial of a Long Island woman charged with Cruelty to Animals after she allegedly attempted to give her Chinese Hairless a tan. But first up, misconduct in the wrestling world!
Skip: That's right, Rebecca. Pro Wrestler James Chambers has come under fire for his actions in a video that surfaced online this week. In the video, which was filmed right here in Long Island, Mr. Chambers was observed viciously attacking fellow wrestler Chris Cyrus with punches, kicks, and various weapons.
Rebecca: Local pro wrestling organization IWC held an event titled Massacre on 34th Street, which is where the assault took place. According to Mr. Cyrus, he had already been impaired from a grueling match he had been involved in earlier that night. He claims this led Mr. Chambers to victory and now he is crying foul. The loss reportedly sent him into a deep depression, causing him to waste fifty dollars and entire kilo of heroin on hiring Ebon, another wrestler whose career is also rapidly declining to attack Mr. Chambers in an attempt to get in his head, a feat which he failed miserably at.
Skip: While the video has garnered millions of views online, it has also earned the disdain of Chris Cyrus fans everywhere, three to be specific.
The camera zooms in on a large monitor behind the anchors, which displays a blue screen containing the angry tweets of outraged fans.
CyrusFan694u tweets "James Chambers iz a big poopy hed, i hoap Cyrus sends him straight to heck"
HeadlokRox tweets "The only reason James Chambers is champion is because of affirmative action. HEADLOCK!"
MamaCyrus tweets "James Chambers robbed my son of the IWC Insane Championship just like God robbed me of an intelligent, handsome, athletically gifted and successful child."
We cut back to Rebecca and Skip.
Rebecca: Tonight, Mr. Chambers will be joining us via Live Feed from his office at C.R.A.P enterprises where he will explain his actions, and issue a public apology to Mr. Cyrus.
Skip: We're getting word that he is queued up and ready to go.
The camera switches to a split screen with Rebecca and Skip on one side, and a full shot of James on the other. He wears an argyle sweater vest and creme colored dockers slacks with penny loafers. Looks like Carlton Banks had a garage sale.
Skip: Hello, Mr. Chambers. How are you today?
James: Doing fine, Skip.
Rebecca: There is alot of controversy stemming from what went down at Massacre on 34th street. Can you speak on that?
James: Yes, yes i can. As it happens, i trained really hard because i wanted to be prepared for anything. Unfortunately i was too prepared and ended up winning.
Skip: Even though Chris Cyrus is getting a rematch this weekend at Blood, Sweat, and Broken Teeth he still keeps bringing up the incident, which took place nearly two months ago. Why do you think he is holding onto this?
James: Chris has had it rough not just in his career, but in his personal life as well. I can only imagine how difficult it was for him growing up as a socially awkward and physically underdeveloped child without genitalia and being forced to urinate through a straw inserted in his belly button. On the career side, He was mildly successful in APW, only to lose his job and girlfriend to his former tag team partner who was eons more talented then he could ever imagine being. He came to IWC with dreams of trying to keep the mild ember of career he had left burning, and with the loss at Massacre on 34th street, he feels that ember was swiftly blown out.
Rebecca: In the past, you have made many degrading comments about Mr. Cyrus. On one occasion you referred to him as a "Useless tool who should be traded to China for an Ipad". In another interview you were quoted as saying "If i had two bullets in a gun and were in a room with Adolf Hitler, Satan, and Chris Cyrus, I'd shoot that rat bastard Cyrus twice, reload, and shoot him six more times and then run him over with a Combine Harvester." Do you still feel this way?
James: Rebecca, when i made those comments it was in the heat of the moment. Chris has said some things that really got under my skin, and i made those statements out of anger.
Skip: We understand that it is your wish to apologize, what would you like to say?
James: Chris, i know life is rough for you right now and what that I've done to you has not helped to make things easier. So, from the bottom of my heart, I'd like to apologize for taking less damage in defeating several opponents than you did in defeating one at Massacre on 34th Street. I am sorry for working out, taking vitamins, maintaining a healthy diet and just generally being in all around better shape than you. I also apologize for being well liked and respected by IWC fans and Misfits alike. I am sorry that i am not undersized, both mentally and physically. I am also sorry for making those deplorable comments about your Grandmother. I was unaware that she actually does have one eye and a wooden leg with a kickstand.
I am sorry that i do not have a painfully mediocre moveset limited to poorly executed headlocks and clotheslines which i am proud of. I am sorry for using weapons in a hardcore wrestling promotion. However, out of all my indiscretions, i am most remorseful for soundly defeating you. I wish i could have pinned someone else to get the win like you did in your victory over me. I requested this match because i am more than willing to give you another shot at my belt in a weapons free contest. If we could all learn to free ourselves from responsibility by blaming others like you do, the world would be a much more carefree place.
Rebecca: Well there you have it folks, an emotional and heartfelt apology from the champion.
Skip: We've got to go pay the bills, but when we return, a man claims JWoww from Jersey shore got him pregnant and is now denying paternity. Find out more after the break.
The scene fades out to commercial break.
It's about six in the evening as we arrive at the IWC Arena in Long Island. It is here where champion James Chambers will be defending his IWC Insane Championship against Chris Cyrus in less than 24 hours. We find the champion seated in the center of the front row of the darkened arena, wearing a black tracksuit with and a wool cap of the same color. Through his unzipped track jacket he wears a white T-shirt that reads "Cyrus Is My Bitch".
Nice shirt, right? Well this is just the prototype! Don't worry, there will be plenty to be had after i crush the bones in your face into a fine powder, a powder which hopefully, Ebon doesn't try to snort. I've already arranged to have 200 of these babies printed up, and at the next Asylum i will pass them out free of charge to all the IWC faithful as compensation for being subjected to your constant fuckery for the past few months. Because honestly, this whole thing is just as much about them as it is about me, maybe even more.
You come here, shooting off your mouth and preaching your anti-hardcore garbage trying to make yourself look good, but all you managed to do was alienate potential fans and piss of everyone in the locker room with your lapdog Ebon being the sole exception. You walk into their hometown, you step in their ring, and then you proceed to insult and berate them and tell them that their brand of wrestling isn't good enough. Who the fuck do you think you are? I have never in all my years seen a more pompous, self righteous prick than yourself. With your actions, you have officially cemented your status as the biggest piece of shit in professional wrestling.
After the last Asylum, It took every fiber of my being to not to track you down backstage, kick open the door to your locker room, interrupt one of you and Ebon's fuck sessions and beat the shit out of you right then. The only thing that kept me from doing such a thing was the fact that while I'd be satisfying my primal urges to brutalize you, I'd be depriving the fans of getting their pound of flesh at Blood, Sweat, and Broken teeth. If i would have done that to them, then i wouldn't have been any better than you, and i refuse to stoop to that level.
With that said, i feel compelled to ask you, was it worth it? Did you actually believe the semen coated filth sloshing out of your free-flapping blowjob box? My guess is you didn't. And now that you've gotten yourself in enough shit to fill the grand canyon, the only thing you can do is be a man for the first time in your miserable existence. You're going to have to step into the ring and answer charges of being a weapons grade douche, something you face multiple counts of. It would be cliche for me to say that I'm going to be the judge, jury and executioner, and I'm glad i won't have to since it isn't true. The fans will be the judge and jury, and since your guilt is as obvious as your lack of talent, as soon as they sign the death warrant your ass is mine.
And that brings us to Blood, Sweat, and Broken Teeth. As far as I'm concerned, this is my Rasslemania, and there is no tomorrow until the human stain that is Chris Cyrus is eliminated completely. These aren't just my words, this is fate talking. And everyone knows that you don't go against fate, because when you do, the odds of fate fucking your shit up entirely are overwhelming. What makes it worse for you is that not only fate not on your side, Karma ain't too fond of you either. Do you realize how badly of a walking, talking, oxygen pollution human cesspool you have to be to have two supernatural forces working against you? You have to be one detestable motherfucker, and you fit the description to a T.
You shouldn't just be worried about the size disadvantage you face, because there's more to it then that. There's also the razor sharp technique that i use to compliment the size and power i bring, and if you throw in just a dash of speed, well that makes for quite the lethal combination. In short, no matter where this match goes, you have a crack rock's chance on Ebon's coffee table of walking out of this match under your own power. But this is what you wanted, right? Well, you're going to get it because i plan to eviscerate you in a fashion so grotesque that even the most bloodthristy IWC fan will be looking away in shock.
You think you've managed to get in my head with all your juvenile bullshit, the day you get in my head is the day Ebon wins a match. I got my ass handed to me by a 60 year old man, sure. But I'm willing to be my entire paycheck that if you would have gone up against the same man, you would have been killed. But besides that, it was a fucking joke! It was my attempt at humor, which is more than you could ever offer the fans. The things i do for laughs should be the least of your worries, because rest assured, i will NOT be laughing when i step in that ring. You think just because you have yourself filmed working out that I'm supposed to be intimidated?
Bitch please, that promo was probably the first time your sickly looking ass has probably even touched a set of weights in years. I am the champion, i always will be champion and there is absolutely nothing you can do or say to change that. But there is one positive role you will play in this match, albeit it's for all the wrong reasons, it's still a positive role nontheless. You get to be the lucky guinea pig that i get to showcase my technical wrestling ability on. This is going to be the greatest match of my career, and one day, when you're an old decrepit fuck up drowning your sorrows in alchohol in a shitty dive bar, you can talk some poor bar patron's ear about your moderate success as a professional wrestler. Bah, what am i saying? They wouldn't believe you anyway, because it isn't true.
Well, i tried, i tried to apologize for being better than you in every way, shape or form, but i guess that didn't work at all. Sorry to burst your bubble princess, but IWC is my home now. I'm the man of the house, and you pose a threat to the sanctity of my home. You don't like what i say? Prove me wrong. And as the old saying goes "You want some, come get some, motherfucker." When they look back on the history of the Insane Wrestling Championship and talk about the greats that performed in that ring, they're not going to be talking about Chris Cyrus. As a matter of fact, i highly doubt anyone's going to know who the fuck you are in ten years.
The person they will be talking about? Me. James Chambers, the greatest to ever compete in IWC and arguably one of the greatest professional wrestlers our our time.
The champion gets up and walks away with a broad smile as the scene fades to black.
