Post by Jimmy The Lock on Apr 23, 2011 16:47:01 GMT -4
Monday, April 18th, 2011
C.R.A.P Enterprises
Atlanta, GA
James: Come in!
Noah: Whoa, Jimmy! I'm sorry, I'll come back another time.
James: You can't even see through the glass. Get in here and quit being a bitch!
James: Is there something wrong with your ass?
Noah: Um...no.
James: Then sit the fuck down!
Noah: Um..James?
James: Everybodddehhh, rock yo' bodehhhhh, Everybody, backstreet's back, alright!
Noah: James!
James: What!?
Noah: What was it you wanted to see me about?
James: Oh, right. Well, I'm just gonna get right to it. Ever since your brother left, it's been hell around here. Nothing gets done. Faxes don't get sent, meetings aren't arranged, and my socks aren't going to iron themselves. Translation: You need to step it up. Pass me that back brush.
James: Just toss it over the shower wall.
James: My point is, your Brother Biff? For him, there was no task too big for him. He went beyond the call of duty and then some. I remember one time I sent him out for a two piece and a biscuit, and he came back with a two whole chickens with a big-ass biscuit the size of a basketball. That boy was dedicated to his job, and I need to see the same from you.
Noah: Sure, James. What do I have to do?
James: Well, I was watching the Sopranos this morning, and while Tony appears to have some underlying issues with black people, I found his methods to be quite effective. In the Soprano crew, if you want to be a made man, you have to make your bones by whacking someone. So that's what I want you to do, I want you to make your bones.
Noah: You want me...to kill someone!?
James: No, you moron! There's some punk vandal running around the grounds spray painting dicks on everything. He's hit us three or for times in the past week. They call him the cock bandit. I want you to catch him.
Noah: Why do you want me to catch him? Isn't that what we have security for?
James: Flynt and Walter? Are you shittin' me? Those two idiots couldn't catch the clap from Nate Bishop's mother. How could I ever trust them to wrangle the cock bandit? No, I need you Noah. Don't let me down.
Six hours later
Derrick: Goddamn it, Noah! I never knew you had it in you.
Noah: Had what in me?
Derrick: Hey man, you're secret's safe with me. I'm tired of Jimmy's shit too! I've been robbing this place blind for the last year and a half. So what are you going after? The marble tables in the lobby? The flatscreen in the breakroom?
Noah: I'm..not going for anything, Jimmy has me on an assignment---
Derrick: He sent you here to bring me down, huh? Well it ain't happenin'! I ain't going out like that, not again.
Derrick: You hear that, Jimmy!? I'm taking Noah down with me!
Noah: Derrick, what are you doing!?
Derrick: Are you wearin' a wire!?
"Yo Derrick!"
Derrick: Oh, you called for backup!?
Andy: Derrick, calm down man, whatever the problem is we can talk about it!
Derrick: You tell James that the next time he sees me, it'll be in hell!
Dan: Come on, Noah, you gotta admit that shit was funny.
Noah: Whatever. Let's just focus on catching this cock bandit so I can go the fuck home.
Andy: I kinda hope this cock bandit is a chick. A hot, insatiable, graffiti freak obsessed with Penises who's willing to do anything to get out of trouble.
Noah: You guys hear that?
Dan: Yeah, I think it's Jerry the homeless guy pissing in the parking garage again.
Derrick: Guys, I'm sorry. I know what I did was wrong.
Noah: Derrick, we don't care about you stealing all the appliances in the break room!
Andy: Speak for yourself on that one. Why the fuck did you steal the DVR, man? I had like sixteen episodes of The Gilmore Girls saved on there!
Derrick: Look, the point is, whether James sent you after me or not, what I did was wrong. I should never have stolen from my brother, and now I'm going to tell him the truth, first thing in the morning.
Noah: Dude, what the hell is your problem?
Dan: I say we kick his ass.
Gunther: Screw you guys! You can't lay a hand on me! I'm a minor.
Andy: Actually fuckwad, this fake I.D you're carrying around says you're 23.
Noah: Boys, I think it's time for a little police brutality.
Gunther: Guys, please....
Dan: Sir, please stop resisting!
Gunther: Don't do this! I'm just a kid! I was mad, and I just wanted to work with you guys because you're so cool!
Andy: He's going for my gun!
I'm gonna keep it short tonight.
I won the first battle in the big war between myself and Rico Casteel, even if I was bitten and nearly shanked by a horsefaced Knife wielding psycho.
Now, Reginald has given me the distinct honor of taking out the last of the Dangertainment trash in Nate Bitch-shop. I thought Chris Cyrus was delusional, but Nate Bishop takes the fucking cake. He comes here with his Dangertainment homegirls trying to invade IWC, and he screwed that up. He had not one, but two shots and the Suicidal Title, and failed both times to accomplish anything. He gets put in War Games at Rasslemania, pulls off a few fancy moves and thinks Dangertainment is the reason we won.
Let's get one thing clear from the outset. FUCK DANGERTAINMENT.
You took out Pence fucking Weatherlight, bitch. Who hasn't gotten over on Pence these days? I'm saying all of that to say this, Nate. You haven't done shit during your tenure here but talk out of your ass and piss people off. You say that you and Jason Ass were the two most hated people on the roster. Well you're right, you are the two most hated, but not for the reasons you think. We hate you because all of you Dangertainment bitches came in here thinking that you couldn't be touched, and now look at you. Jason Kash, just like the cowardly, sackless, whiny little piece of wannabe gangster shit he was, talked a lifetime's worth of trash he wasn't going to back up because he ragequit in that pathetic waste of film he called a promo. Fuckles the retard got tired of getting his ass kicked in APW and retired. Who can blame him? There is no bigger indication that your entire career is a cruel joke than Branden Harvey being your most notable victory.
Normally, I'd go on some long rant about how I'm going to kick your ass, but I'm not going to waste my breath anymore today, because I have something special planned for you. Right before I kick your ass on Asylum, I'm gonna throw you a nice little ceremony for all the "hard work" you've done here. I can't reveal much more than that, but I promise you it will something everyone is talking about.
It's time for you to man up for the first time in your miserable life, kiss Kash and Knuckles, tell them you won't be coming back to the cardboard box after Asylum, and come on down and get your beating.
C.R.A.P Enterprises
Atlanta, GA
It is a rather quiet day at C.R.A.P Enterprises, as Mondays usually are. Business is just beginning to kick off, and things won't get into full swing until the middle of the week. We find Noah Riboflavin walking down the main hallway toward James's Office, carrying a folder and stack of papers. As he moves closer to the door, the sound of running water can be heard. Noah doesn't pay any attention this, and knocks anyway.
James: Come in!
Noah enters the office, drops his papers, lets out a girly shriek, and steps back out of the office with his back turned. The running water heard earlier was in fact coming from James's office. In an effort to make his office more like home, James had a shower, stripper pole, and hot sandwich maker installed in his office over the weekend. He is currently breaking in the new shower.
Noah: Whoa, Jimmy! I'm sorry, I'll come back another time.
Noah covers his eyes and cowers like a little boy who's just accidentally seen his mom naked.
James: You can't even see through the glass. Get in here and quit being a bitch!
For Noah, knowing that the only thing separating him from a naked James was a thin panel of frosted glass was more than enough to keep him on edge. Genuinely creeped out, he enters the office, but stands right next to the doorway. A showercapped James glares at him through the shower door.
James: Is there something wrong with your ass?
Noah: Um...no.
James: Then sit the fuck down!
Noah reluctantly takes a seat at the chair in front of the desk while James begins to smear shaving cream on his face and sing the opening bars of "Everybody" by The Backstreet Boys.
Noah: Um..James?
James: Everybodddehhh, rock yo' bodehhhhh, Everybody, backstreet's back, alright!
Noah: James!
James: What!?
Noah: What was it you wanted to see me about?
James: Oh, right. Well, I'm just gonna get right to it. Ever since your brother left, it's been hell around here. Nothing gets done. Faxes don't get sent, meetings aren't arranged, and my socks aren't going to iron themselves. Translation: You need to step it up. Pass me that back brush.
Noah looks over to a deskside table where he sees a disgusting backbrush with large clumps of hair entangled in the bristles. He dry heaves at first, but pinches his nose uses the lower half of his shirt as a makeshift glove to pick up the brush.
James: Just toss it over the shower wall.
Noah obliges.
"CLUNK"
The brush collides with James's skull. He exclaims in pain and curses at Noah, but continues.
James: My point is, your Brother Biff? For him, there was no task too big for him. He went beyond the call of duty and then some. I remember one time I sent him out for a two piece and a biscuit, and he came back with a two whole chickens with a big-ass biscuit the size of a basketball. That boy was dedicated to his job, and I need to see the same from you.
Noah: Sure, James. What do I have to do?
James: Well, I was watching the Sopranos this morning, and while Tony appears to have some underlying issues with black people, I found his methods to be quite effective. In the Soprano crew, if you want to be a made man, you have to make your bones by whacking someone. So that's what I want you to do, I want you to make your bones.
Noah: You want me...to kill someone!?
James: No, you moron! There's some punk vandal running around the grounds spray painting dicks on everything. He's hit us three or for times in the past week. They call him the cock bandit. I want you to catch him.
Noah: Why do you want me to catch him? Isn't that what we have security for?
James: Flynt and Walter? Are you shittin' me? Those two idiots couldn't catch the clap from Nate Bishop's mother. How could I ever trust them to wrangle the cock bandit? No, I need you Noah. Don't let me down.
Noah shurgs, rises from the chair, and leaves the office.
Six hours later
The days is beginning to wind down, and all of C.R.A.P's employees are beginning to head out for the night. We find Noah Riboflavin dressed in all black and carrying a backpack headed toward the mailroom. On his way, he passes Derrick Chambers, who is also on his way home. Derrick double takes at Noah. At first he is baffled by Noah's getup, but he then smiles and pats Noah on the shoulder.
Derrick: Goddamn it, Noah! I never knew you had it in you.
Noah: Had what in me?
Derrick: Hey man, you're secret's safe with me. I'm tired of Jimmy's shit too! I've been robbing this place blind for the last year and a half. So what are you going after? The marble tables in the lobby? The flatscreen in the breakroom?
Noah: I'm..not going for anything, Jimmy has me on an assignment---
Derrick's eyes widen, and his smile quickly changes into an furious scowl. He grabs Noah by the collar and slams him against the wall.
Derrick: He sent you here to bring me down, huh? Well it ain't happenin'! I ain't going out like that, not again.
Derrick puts his head against Noah's chest, and begins to scream into his shirt.
Derrick: You hear that, Jimmy!? I'm taking Noah down with me!
Noah: Derrick, what are you doing!?
Derrick: Are you wearin' a wire!?
"Yo Derrick!"
Derrick turns to see Andy Patel and Daniel Tan standing a few feet away from him, also wearing dark clothing matching Noah's.
Derrick: Oh, you called for backup!?
Andy: Derrick, calm down man, whatever the problem is we can talk about it!
Derrick: You tell James that the next time he sees me, it'll be in hell!
And with that, Derrick Judo chops Noah across the throat before letting him go and bolting down the hallway and into the staircase.
About ten minutes later, we find the three young men walking in the parking garage. Andy smokes a cigarette while Dan texts away on his phone and Noah holds an ice bag to his throat.
About ten minutes later, we find the three young men walking in the parking garage. Andy smokes a cigarette while Dan texts away on his phone and Noah holds an ice bag to his throat.
Dan: Come on, Noah, you gotta admit that shit was funny.
Noah: Whatever. Let's just focus on catching this cock bandit so I can go the fuck home.
Andy: I kinda hope this cock bandit is a chick. A hot, insatiable, graffiti freak obsessed with Penises who's willing to do anything to get out of trouble.
"sssssssssss"
Noah: You guys hear that?
Dan: Yeah, I think it's Jerry the homeless guy pissing in the parking garage again.
Noah turns around, and sure enough he sees the cock bandit in the flesh, working on his finest piece at the entrance of the parking garage, right in front of James's parking space. As soon as he notices them, he takes off. Noah gives chase, as does Dan, with Andy the smoker puffing behind them.
The cock bandit appears to nearly give Noah and company the slip until a vehicle suddenly comes out of nowhere and strikes him! He goes tumbling to the concrete floor and Noah and the guys catch up to him. The driver of the car gets out and reveals himself to be none other the Derrick Chambers. Dan retrieves a zip tie from Noah's backpack and binds the cock bandit's hands.
The cock bandit appears to nearly give Noah and company the slip until a vehicle suddenly comes out of nowhere and strikes him! He goes tumbling to the concrete floor and Noah and the guys catch up to him. The driver of the car gets out and reveals himself to be none other the Derrick Chambers. Dan retrieves a zip tie from Noah's backpack and binds the cock bandit's hands.
Derrick: Guys, I'm sorry. I know what I did was wrong.
Noah: Derrick, we don't care about you stealing all the appliances in the break room!
Andy: Speak for yourself on that one. Why the fuck did you steal the DVR, man? I had like sixteen episodes of The Gilmore Girls saved on there!
Derrick: Look, the point is, whether James sent you after me or not, what I did was wrong. I should never have stolen from my brother, and now I'm going to tell him the truth, first thing in the morning.
Derrick gets into his car and drives off. Noah rips off the cock bandit's mask revealing him to be 17 year old Gunther Ridges, a disgruntled young man who was recently denied internship at C.R.A.P.
Noah: Dude, what the hell is your problem?
Dan: I say we kick his ass.
Gunther grins a smug grin.
Gunther: Screw you guys! You can't lay a hand on me! I'm a minor.
Andy pulls Gunther's wallet from his back pocket, looks at it, and smiles.
Andy: Actually fuckwad, this fake I.D you're carrying around says you're 23.
The color drains from Gunther's face and his smug grin is replaced with a look of fear.
Noah: Boys, I think it's time for a little police brutality.
Gunther: Guys, please....
Dan: Sir, please stop resisting!
Gunther: Don't do this! I'm just a kid! I was mad, and I just wanted to work with you guys because you're so cool!
Andy: He's going for my gun!
Andy throws the first blow, and Noah and Dan follow suit. We fade out to the sounds of Gunther screaming, and the thuds of fist greeting face and foot meeting ass. Finally, Noah has proven himself to James and will likely receive a more respectable role in the C.R.A.P family. Ain't life sweet? Till next time, people.
I'm gonna keep it short tonight.
I won the first battle in the big war between myself and Rico Casteel, even if I was bitten and nearly shanked by a horsefaced Knife wielding psycho.
Now, Reginald has given me the distinct honor of taking out the last of the Dangertainment trash in Nate Bitch-shop. I thought Chris Cyrus was delusional, but Nate Bishop takes the fucking cake. He comes here with his Dangertainment homegirls trying to invade IWC, and he screwed that up. He had not one, but two shots and the Suicidal Title, and failed both times to accomplish anything. He gets put in War Games at Rasslemania, pulls off a few fancy moves and thinks Dangertainment is the reason we won.
Let's get one thing clear from the outset. FUCK DANGERTAINMENT.
You took out Pence fucking Weatherlight, bitch. Who hasn't gotten over on Pence these days? I'm saying all of that to say this, Nate. You haven't done shit during your tenure here but talk out of your ass and piss people off. You say that you and Jason Ass were the two most hated people on the roster. Well you're right, you are the two most hated, but not for the reasons you think. We hate you because all of you Dangertainment bitches came in here thinking that you couldn't be touched, and now look at you. Jason Kash, just like the cowardly, sackless, whiny little piece of wannabe gangster shit he was, talked a lifetime's worth of trash he wasn't going to back up because he ragequit in that pathetic waste of film he called a promo. Fuckles the retard got tired of getting his ass kicked in APW and retired. Who can blame him? There is no bigger indication that your entire career is a cruel joke than Branden Harvey being your most notable victory.
Normally, I'd go on some long rant about how I'm going to kick your ass, but I'm not going to waste my breath anymore today, because I have something special planned for you. Right before I kick your ass on Asylum, I'm gonna throw you a nice little ceremony for all the "hard work" you've done here. I can't reveal much more than that, but I promise you it will something everyone is talking about.
It's time for you to man up for the first time in your miserable life, kiss Kash and Knuckles, tell them you won't be coming back to the cardboard box after Asylum, and come on down and get your beating.
