Post by Biff Riboflavin on May 21, 2011 20:00:48 GMT -4
And there it was.
Biff's first ever loss in APW. He was distraught, discouraged, and sad. He fought his hardest against Sally Talfourd. He took the best she had, including a Happy Ending and a Makeover, and kicked out of both moves. He dealt out his fair share of offense too, pulling out all the stops trying to gain the victory, even landing his patented Biffsault finisher but he still couldn't get the job done. It picked at his spirit, He trained incredibly hard in preparation for the match, and he was in amazing shape. Well, save for the 35 plus Funnel cakes & energy drinks he mainlined before the match. Still, he was in exceptional shape nonetheless. Maybe he didn't deserve to be in the Main Event after all. Maybe he was just one-hit wonder, a flash in the pan that could be easily forgotten. Perhaps Sally was right about him. Maybe he was a klown. Maybe comic relief was the only thing he was good for. Perhaps he should change it up, perhaps he should become more serious, and produce tear jerking, soul wrenching incredibly fucking boring Matt/Pence Weatherlight style promos.......
..............
..............
..............
Perhaps you should get your fucking head examined, viewer! Nobody wants to watch that shit!
Biff's first ever loss in APW. He was distraught, discouraged, and sad. He fought his hardest against Sally Talfourd. He took the best she had, including a Happy Ending and a Makeover, and kicked out of both moves. He dealt out his fair share of offense too, pulling out all the stops trying to gain the victory, even landing his patented Biffsault finisher but he still couldn't get the job done. It picked at his spirit, He trained incredibly hard in preparation for the match, and he was in amazing shape. Well, save for the 35 plus Funnel cakes & energy drinks he mainlined before the match. Still, he was in exceptional shape nonetheless. Maybe he didn't deserve to be in the Main Event after all. Maybe he was just one-hit wonder, a flash in the pan that could be easily forgotten. Perhaps Sally was right about him. Maybe he was a klown. Maybe comic relief was the only thing he was good for. Perhaps he should change it up, perhaps he should become more serious, and produce tear jerking, soul wrenching incredibly fucking boring Matt/Pence Weatherlight style promos.......
..............
..............
..............
Perhaps you should get your fucking head examined, viewer! Nobody wants to watch that shit!
Saturday, May 13th, 2011
Circuit Hotel
Melbourne, Australia
Inside Biff, Kenny & Leonard's shared hotel suite, we see a crestfallen Biff seated on a the couch in the living room portion of the suite. He wears his Transformers Robe with Dinosaur slippers and stares blankly at an episode of Courage The Cowardly Dog on Cartoon Network flashing on the Television. His hair is tousled, and he appears to not have shaven in a few days. His eyes are bloodshot, and he wears an emotionless expression. Meanwhile, Kenny and Leonard analyze him from afar.
Leonard: Wow, he really seems out of it. Is he always like this when he's sad?
Kenny: He's been down before, but this is about as bad as it's ever been. I haven't seen him this sad since they stopped making new episodes of CatDog.
Any other time, a calm Biff would be a blessing, but not this time. He wasn't calm, he wasn't even relaxed. He was depressed. Leonard is a bastard, but even he has a conscience, and he hated to see such a positive and jovial person like Biff feeling blue. Leonard takes a deep sigh, and he knows he's going to regret what he's going to do next, but he does it anyway. He walks into the living room, places his hand Biff's shoulder, and asks....
Leonard: Hey Buddy, you wanna go to IHOP? We'll get ya those pancakes you like with the cherries, whipped cream and chocolate chips in the form of a smiley face!
Biff simply shakes his head no, and Leonard is stunned. Normal Biff would have already been dressed and at IHOP before Leonard could even complete the thought, but with the Biff we see today, it doesn't even scratch the surface of the sturdy armor of depression that he wears. Kenny's mouth drops as well, as he has never seen anything like this. He takes a second to think, and his eyes light up with delight.
Kenny: I have an idea!
Leonard: Kenny, now is not the time for one of your schemes, don't you see that your little brother is hurting over here?
Kenny: No Leonard...i have an idea.
Leonard: What the hell does that mean? You think that just because you put extra emphasis on the word "idea" that it makes whatever you got planned any less fucked up?
One Hour Later....
Outside the hotel, we see a ground shot of a pair of finely tailored Italian leather dress shoes step out of a car. The person stands, and the car door closes. The feet stroll confidently down the walk, not missing a beat. They come to a stop at the Riboflavins-Hines room. The man raps on the door three times, and patiently waits for an answer after. The door opens, and we can hear Kenny's elated voice.
Kenny: Oh man, I'm so glad you came!
Voice: That's what she said.
Kenny: Hahaha, good one, Jimmy!
Voice: SHHHHHH!!!!! Don't reveal my identity yet, you idiot! My sole purpose for doing one of those patented Martin Scorsese "walking-footshots" was so i could show off these awesome $500 Gucci Wingtips!
Kenny: I'm sorry..."sir." Come right in.
Voice: That's more like it. And that is also what she said.
Kenny welcomes the "man" in, and as we pan upwards, we find that the identity of the man is none other than APW World Heavyweight Champion, James Chambers. It turns out, Kenny actually knew what he was doing. He knew that if anyone could get motivated, it would definitely be James. Biff idolized James, almost like a father. He even considered himself "The White Jimmy", and legally had his middle name changed to James in 2007. James is dressed to the nines, wearing a stylish coffee brown suit and the Italian leather shoes we saw earlier. Kenny points him to Biff, who has begun to drool in his depressed stupor. James walks over to Biff and looks him over. First, he pokes Biff's right cheek with his index finger, but there's no reaction. He gently slaps both sides of his face with either hand, and again, gets no reaction. Finally, he reaches in his suit jacket pocket, and removes a pair of green rubber gloves. He puts them on, and dabs a little bit of drool off of the corner of Biff's mouth with his index finger. He raises the finger to his nose and sniffs.
James: Oh man, that's terrible. Judging by the smell of this drool, which reeks of Turkey Jerky and open ass, we don't have much time.
James reaches into his pocket and removes his wallet. He removes ten single Australian dollars and looks to Kenny.
James: Kenny, i want you to go down to the end of the aisle where the vending machine is. I need you to purchase every kind of candy, cookie, honey bun, & cupcake in it. Can you handle that?
Kenny anxiously nods his head yes, but James is suspicious of him.
James: Now Kenny, before i give you this money, i want you to look at me and pay attention to what I'm about to say. If you come back with a Hooker, a bag of coke, a DVD of Jim Croce's greatest hits, or just generally anything not named in the previous sequence of items i asked you for, i will harvest your organs with a blunt spoon. You dig?
Kenny: What if i hide the coke up my ass?
James doesn't answer, but coldly glowers at Kenny, who takes this as his cue to get the fuck out of dodge. He swiftly exits the room, leaving James and Leonard in quite an awkward moment. James despises Leonard due to his disgraced reputation in the Sports World, and is suspicious of his intentions with Biff. Leonard smiles at James, and attempts to break the silence by giving him "dap".
Leonard: Jimmay! What's Happenin' brotha?[/color]
Leonard places his hand on James's shoulder, but James coldly rebuffs him, instead electing to calmly reply...
James: Take your fuckin' hand off me.
Leonard is angered by this, but doesn't dare to show it, and he surely isn't going to stay anything. Luckily, Kenny reentering the room breaks the awkward silence. Kenny's both of Kenny's arms are packed with various candy & snacks. He spills them all onto a nearby table.
Kenny: OK, i got Twix, Snickers, Kitkats, Lemonheads---
James: Give me one Twix.[/color]
Kenny obliges, undoing the wrapper and giving James the Twix. James breaks the Twix in two, and inserts a piece into Biff's wide open mouth. James places one hand on the top of Biff's head, and one on his chin and begins to manually work Biff's jaw so he chews the Twix. Once the Twix is chewed to James's satisfaction, he tilts Biff's head back, presumably helping Biff swallow the Twix. James calls for silence, and after a tense moment of waiting, Biff's eyes liven up, and....
Biff: Hi, Jimmy!
He's back!
James: What the hell, kid? You had us all worried about you.
Biff: I know, i know. It's just that, i worked really hard for my match against Sally, and i still lost.
James: That's life, Biff. People lose. We all lose. Hell, i lost this week on Asylum. I got pinned by Chris fucking Cyrus and you don't see me holed in a room in a drunken trance drooling like Pence Weatherlight has been since the APW Checks have stopped coming. It's not about how you lose, it's about what you learn from the loss and how you come back.
Biff: I don't know, Jimmy. I think i messed up this time. I think Sally was right, I'm just a clown!
James: Stop right there. Biff, you listen to me. Sally Talfourd is an angry, angry little woman. An angry little woman who just so happens to be incredibly gorgeous with a bangin' body who I'd like to take to the movies sometime, but an angry woman nonetheless. The point is, Sally's wrong, Biff. You watch cartoons, you wear Spider-Man underoos, you still have a bedtime of 8:30--
Biff: 9:00 on weekends!
James: Right! 9:00 on weekends...You have training wheels on your bike, At age 24, you dress up for Halloween, go Trick or Treating and nobody thinks it's creepy, and yet you still manage to hook up with insanely hot women! How you have managed to maintain your childlike innocence but still get top shelf Playboy Mansion quality poontang for the past 24 years is beyond me, but it is a thing of beauty! I lost my childlike innocence in '92 when my mom caught me whacking it to the interrogation scene in Basic Instinct, and i have been an foul mouthed, irresponsible adult who cracks dick jokes at every opportunity ever since!
Biff: What's a dick joke?
James: See!? That's what I'm talking about. That's what makes you so special and separates from all the knuckle dragging Neanderthals slinging their dicks around trying to be Billy Badass here in APW. So you've got to get your shit together, get on the good foot and get your mind set to do the bad thing. At Mayhem, you have a chance at redemption, and by god, you're gonna take advantage of it!
Feeling more and more inspired by James's words, Biff begins to perk up, and suddenly, the well known theme of a very familiar theme song to a certain award winning film which featured a very prominent world-famous rapper in the starring role begins to play very faintly in his head.
James: At Mayhem, you're going to win, because I'll be damned if a member of my stable loses to Terry Marvin and Matt Weatherlight, the bouncing baby bastard child of one the most revolting pieces of shit to ever darken an APW ring. Are you with me!?
James extends his hand to Biff, who shakes it with gusto.
James: Whoa, man. You really are pumped! Your palms are sweaty!
Biff tries to stand, but his legs buckle.
James: Wow, all that sitting you've been doing must have made your knees weak.
Biff: My arms are kinda heavy too.
James: What's that stain on your shirt?
Biff: Oh, it 's just a little vomit. Mama's spaghetti.
James: Really? On the surface you look calm and ready.
Biff: I think i gotta go in the bathrooms and drop bombs.
James: But you keep on forgetting...tissue!
James reaches into a nearby cabinet, retrieves a roll of Charmin and hands it to Biff, who heads into the bathroom. As he does his business, Biff begins to ponder James's words of encouragement. As he looks up into the bathroom's bright lights. His mind begins to wander, and the world around him begins to spin...faster...faster...faster...
BAM BAM BAM
A angry pounding snaps Biff back to "reality". He looks up, and suddenly, he's no longer in the hotel's bathroom. He finds himself in a rather shitty bathroom in an unknown location.
Voice: Hey man, hurry the fuck up!
Biff: Be out in a minute!
Biff rises and goes to exit the stall, but suddenly feels his stomach turning. He spins back around, and pukes in the toilet.
Biff: Aw man, my sweater!
Biff pushes open the stall door and as he exits, catches a glimpse of himself in the bathroom's mirror. He is no longer wearing his Transformers robe and Dinosaur slippers, but a frayed red hoodie with a fresh puke stain on the front, a white knit hat. He goes to exit the bathroom, but before he can get his hand on the doorknob, the door swings open, and James enters.
Biff: Jimmy?
Jimmy: Who were you expecting, your real dad? Hasn't been around in fifteen yea--
James pauses in mid-sentence, as he catches a glimpse of himself in the mirror.
James no longer wears his stylish suit, but a green bomber jacket with a hooded sweatshirt underneath and blue jeans. Looking down, he sees that his stylish Gucci Wingtips have been replace by brown Timberland boots. Finally, looking into the mirror he sees that his finely tapered low haircut & goatee have been replaced with long, flowing dreadlocks and a rugged goatee. The look of horror on his face changes to one of rage, and he turns his attention to Biff, who suddenly is paralyzed by fear. James screams a primal scream, and leaps on Biff. He tackles him to the ground, grabs him by his neck and begins to bounce his head off of the floor, repeatedly.
James: How the hell could you do this to me, you son of a bitch!?!? I've got a match coming up in 24 Hours! I was good to you!
Biff: -oof-I'm sorry Jimmy! -head bouncing against floor-It's not my fault!
James: What the hell did you do to me? Is this another one of your stupid fantasies?!? Take me back to reality, now!
Biff: Jimmy it was your speech! You came over, and got me all inspired, it was like watching 8 Mi--
James:--Stop right there! You finish that sentence and we get sued for copyright infringement.
Before Biff can reply, a voice on a booming through a soundsystem on a microphone can be heard.
"And now for our contest, I'm gonna need B-Monkey! Where's B-Monkey?"
James: Is that what i....?
Before James can complete his sentence, the hallway door opens, and another familiar voice startles them.
"Seriously? Gouda Dan? Why do i have to be the guy who shoots himself in the cock? Is it because I'm the only other white in this group?"
James and Biff turn to see that the voice reveals itself to be Kenny, who stares outraged at the group.
James: Okay, everybody just calm down. Even though we're trapped yet again in another one of Biff's stupid daydreams, at least we got all the decent roles in that semi-autobiographical film about that certain rapper's early career. I'd hate to see what part Leonard plays in this.
Announcer: B. Monkey! Come to the stage!
All eyes shift to Biff.
James: I think you're B-Monkey.
Biff: I think you're wrong. How do you know you're not B-Monkey?
Announcer: B. Monkey, get your pasty white ass to the stage!
Biff shrugs.
Biff: Could mean you, Kenny.
Announcer: And bring that puke stained hoodie with you!
Biff froze, now he knew for sure. He had to go down to the ring and face whatever was waiting for him. He looked at James and Kenny (or Hereafter & Gouda Dan as they're known in this fantasy) takes a deep breath, and exits the bathroom. The bathroom leads him into a crowded hallway in a run-down bingo hall. Judging by the attire worn by the people he sees, it appears that just about everyone in this daydream has died and gone to 1995, either that or they broke into a fashion museum and stole all the Walkmans and overly baggy jeans they could find. Another thing he notices right away as he shoves his way through the crowd in the hallways. With the very mild exception of Kenny, and he was a lone drop of Vanilla in a sea of angry black faces. He follows the booming voice of the announcer into crowded room. Feeling confident that this fantasy mirrors the plot of that one dramatic film released in 2002 which is a thinly veiled story about the life of a highly regarded rap artist who has sold millions of records, he prepares to bust some funky rhymes on a stage. However, when he gets to the center of the room, he sees that there is not a stage, but a ragged wrestling ring with the "announcer" standing in it.
Biff: Jimmy?
James waves Biff into the ring.
Biff: Jimmy, what are you doing? You were the announcer the whole time? You're gonna get me killed!
James leans and whispers to Biff:
James: What the fuck? This is your daydream, don't blame me! We were still standing in the bathroom when you left and somehow, someway, i ended up in this ring saying all kinds of shit! I never say "Nigga" this much!
James hand begins to involuntarily shake.
James: Oh no, it's happening again!
It's almost as if James has no control over his own hands, as his microphoned hand slowly rises up to his mouth.
James: Ladies, Gentlemen, and Niggas! It's time for our first match in the preliminary round of the Shelter Wrestling Tournament! Introducing first, representing 313 Wrestling, my man, B-Monkey!
The crowd loudly boos "B.Monkey", who looks more confused than ever as fans shout and curse at him.
Fan #1: BOOOOOOOOOOO. THE FUCK Y'ALL FIND THIS NIGGA AT?!?
Fan #2: YOU SUCK, WHITE BOY! LET'S GET SOME REAL PEOPLE IN HERE!
Fan #3: WE WANT VANILLA ICE!
Fans #1 & 2 shoot Fan# 3 cold, paralyzing looks. They then proceed to mercilessly kick & beat him as James goes to announce the next opponent.
James: Introducing next, his opponent, coming to us from Free World Wrestling Association, Doctor Pop!
The lights go dark, and when they come back on, standing in the ring is "Doctor Pop". A large, imposing man with several associates of the same description. Doctor Pop coldly stares down "B. Monkey". His entourage is ushered out of the ring by James, who then exits himself. The bell dings, and the two begin to circle each other. Doctor Pop looks like a man possessed, just waiting for Biff to attempt some kind of offense, any kind, so he can strike down & kill him. Doctor Pop lunges at him repeatedly, and Biff just manages to escape his grasp every time. Biff's confidence shrinks smaller and smaller with each swipe that's taken at him. He thought he was ready for this, but this monster chasing him down was simply on another level. After approximately 1 minute and 57 seconds of inactivity, Biff musters up enough courage, seizes the opportunity, and in a sudden burst of energy......
......
......
.......
Dives out of the ring and bolts out of the building.
The fans boo, throw trash at him as he exits and chants of "CHOKE" "CHOKE" "CHOKE" follow him out of the arena.
One hour Later....
We find Biff walking alone in a desolate trailer park, very identical to the one seen in that film about that battle rapper who struggles with stage fright, abject poverty and an alcoholic mother. A few moments later, he approaches what is his presumed trailer. He goes to twist the knob and open the door, but he hears what appears to be erotic moaning and sorrowful weeping. Biff walks back down the short flight of steps leading to the trailer. He walks to the window, and peers through it. He sees the naked back of blonde woman, moving up and down in a seductive manner....obviously APW is all about family, so we can't give you anymore than that. If you've seen that scene in that movie about that rapper who lives in a certain industrial American city known for producing cars with dreams of being a rapper where he comes home and finds his mother in a rather compromising position with another man, then you can probably guess what's going on. Biff adjusts his view, and he sees a man under the blonde woman with tears streaming down his face.
Biff: Is that...Leonard?
Biff's voice is loud enough to startle the blonde woman on top of Leonard, and she grabs a towel, covers her bare chest and turns around.
Biff: And...MAMA!
That's right. In a most appropriate role, Biff's mom is playing his mom, meanwhile a distraught Leonard plays the part of the freeloading boyfriend (who is only two years older than the main character, played by that one guy) of the mother in that one film that chronicles the life of a working class man with dreams of being famous rapper...for the purposes of not getting slapped with a copyright infringement lawsuit, we'll call him Jeff Drohl. Mama Riboflavin/Monkey unmounts "Jeff" who says a silent prayer and thanks god for "B.Monkey's" interjection. Mama answers the door, but a grossed out "B. Monkey" walks away in disgust. Mama puts on a jacket and follows him out.
Mama: Biff, honey...i know you had a rough night. I heard you got run out of the shelter.
Biff: How did you hear already? It literally happened an hour ago.
Mama: Well honey, we're in the dreamworld. Things happen quicker, that and this is a parody, meaning there's no need to cover the intricacies of the original film.
Biff: Eh, that's plausible.
The trailer door creaks open, and a traumatized Leonard/Jeff exits. He attempts to speak, but his voice is shaky.
Leonard: Biff, you gotta get me out here. You do whatever you need to do to get us back to the Real World. Come on, I'll help you.
Leonard goes to step down off of the stairs, but Mama stops him by placing a palm to his chest.
Mama: Not so fast, my little chocolate drop. You're supposed to be my freeloading boyfriend, and if my recollection of that film that takes place in that time of that world famous musician's early career, we're due for another stroke session!
Leonard mouths "Help Me, quickly" before breaking down in tears and going back in the trailer. Mama winks at "B.Monkey" before also heading back in behind Leonard. Biff sighs and decides to go on a walk around the city. However, before he can exit the trailer park, a large black SUV comes zooming at Biff. The vehicle comes screeching to a stop, and all the doors swinging open. Out hops Doctor Pop and his entourage, and they all begin to march toward Biff.
Doctor Pop: You read to get knocked out bitch?
Biff: Wait, wait, this isn't supposed to happen yet! I'm supposed to viciously beat one of you guys for having sex with the love interest first!
Doctor Pop: THIS A PARODY FOOL! We don't have time to cover the intricacies of the actual film!
Biff: What?
Pop floors Biff with a right hand! Biff crumbles against his neighbor's pickup truck and Doctor Pop & his goons swarm on poor Biff, kicking and beating him as he begs for mercy. The sound of blows landing echo throughout the trailer park, as Doctor Pop & his cronies mercilessly beat Biff. Just then....
"Take your dick beaters off my friend!"
A familiar and friendly voice is heard. James/Hereafter is there! So is Gouda Dan/Kenny, and they both enter the fray to help Biff out! Once James gets Pop's goons away from Biff, Biff is able to stand and start fighting back as well. It appears as if Biff & James are starting to get the upper hand, until...
POW!
A gunshot like sound pierces the air! All attention turns to Kenny, who is wielding a large flare gun.
Kenny: You wanna fuck with us, huh!? Fuck with us, yeah!?
Biff facepalms.
Biff: How is all this happening so soon!?
James: This is a parody Biff, there's not enough time to cover the intricacies of the original film!
Biff: Why does everyone keep saying that?!
Kenny: HEY! I have a fucking flare gun over here! According to the sequence of events in that movie about that rapper and his friends trying to make it in the rap business, I'm due to shoot my dick off in T-Minus ten seconds and you morons are obsessing about the laws of film parodies!
James nudges Biff, prompting him to say his lines.
Biff: Oh, right. Kenny, where the hell did you get that?
Kenny: It's my mom's.
Biff: Wait, you mean our mom, or your daydream parody mom?
Kenny: Uh, um... the second one!
Biff: Oh, ok. PUT THAT THING AWAY!
Kenny: Doctor Pop had one!
Doctor Pop: No i didn't.
Biff: Wait, why not?
Doctor Pop groans in frustration.
Biff: Right, right, i know. This is a parody, and There's not enough time to cover the intricacies of the original film.
BOOM
Another gunshot like sound pierces the air! Which can only mean one thing! Everyone turns to face Kenny expecting him to see with half of his crotch burned off from the flare gun, but it is revealed that Kenny only shot the gun in the air....again.
Biff: Kenny, we know! You're going to shoot yourself, go ahead.
Kenny: No, that was a question shot, i was trying to get everyone's attention. Since we don't have to cover every single detail of the original film, do i really have to shoot myself? I mean, a gun is one thing. If i shoot myself with a flare gun, I'm liable to set myself on fire.
James: He does have a point, we don't want that problem.
Everyone, including members of Doctor Pop's entourage begin talking at once, all voicing their agreement with Kenny & James.
Biff: Okay, so can we come to a general consensus right now that due to time constraints its probably a good idea to skip straight to the triumphant ending? Normally i would love to stick around in a daydream where i play the lead character in that movie that won an Academy Award for best original song, but we really have to finish this thing off and get back to the present.
Doctor Pop: Can i interject for a second here? As far as finishing this thing up, i echo your sentiments, as i am anxious to return to my nonexistent life as a figment of your imagination. However, in order for the ending to make sense, you have to let us finish beating you up, otherwise you're just going to randomly be showing up to wrestle me for no apparent reason whatsoever.
Biff shrugs.
Biff: Okay, fair enough. Jimmy, Kenny, I'll catch up with you guys later?
James: Cool, I'll catch you down at the Shelter later tonight for the big triumphant final scene where you redeem yourself in the eyes of your peers, but ultimately your life remains the same after. Kenny, we out!
Kenny: Hey Jimmy, can we go to Jamba Juice?
James: This is 1995, you idiot, Jamba Juice doesn't even exist yet.
Kenny: Right. How 'bout Cold Stone Creamery?
James and Kenny walk off down the street, leaving Biff with Doctor Pop & his cronies.
Biff: Okay guys, let's do thi----
Doctor Pop lands a wicked right cross that drops Biff flat! Once Biff hits the ground, Doctor Pop & his cronies swarm and begin to kick & beat him as he desperately tries to cover up. The beating continues for over 20 minutes, and when it finally ends, Biff uncurls himself from the fetal position and coughs a little. He writhes on the ground, groaning in pain for about ten more minutes, before finally getting up, dusting himself off and walking away.
Meanwhile, down at the Shelter.....
Gouda Dan/Kenny & James/Hereafter stand in line outside of the shelter, waiting for admission to the big match later on tonight. Hereafter leans on the brick wall, while Gouda Dan spoons Baskin Robbins into his wide open gullet.
Gouda Dan: Wow, this is sooo much better than Cold Stone Creamery.
Hereafter: I told you so. Man, where the hell is Biff and what on earth is taking him so long?
Gouda Dan: Not sure. So...in that movie about that guy who wants to be a rapper but doesn't have any money and lives with his mom, aren't you the guy that hosts these things?
Hereafter: Holy shit, i am. It's been a while since I've seen the movie about that impoverished aspiring rapper who presses bumpers for a living...come on, let's go in.
"Hey, guys!"
Kenny/Gouda and James/Hereafter turn shift their eyes to see a badly beaten Biff/B-Monkey limping toward them.
Gouda Dan: Sweet Bejeezus!
Hereafter: Damn, they fucked you up! Your black eye has a black eye!
Gouda Dan: That's quite shock. That Doctor Pop really seemed like a nice guy.
Biff: He is. He was really conflicted about savagely beating me as my daydreamy family pleaded for my life.
Hereafter: Well, in any case, are you ready to give this thing a go?
Biff: As ready as I'll ever be.
All three men walk into the hall together, as Biff/B. Monkey prepares to seek revenge on his attackers. Forcing their way through the crowd, Biff slides into the makeshift ring and James goes in behind him. Gouda Dan/ Kenny elects to wait at ringside.
James: Ladies & Gentlemen, it's about to get so serious right now! Coming to the ring right now, my man, B. Monkey!
Biff taps James on the shoulder.
Biff: I'm actually, I'm already in the ring, Jimmy.
James: I stand corrected, already in the ring and ready to get this shit on, my man, B. Monkey!
James turns to the opposite corner to introduce Doctor Pop.
James: Introducing second, his opponent, the reigning and defending Shelter Championship Wrestling Heavyweight Champion, Doctor Pop!
Doctor Pop raises his arms triumphantly, as he takes in the cheers of the crowd. Biff leans and whispers to James once more.
Biff: Actually, I'd like to say something.
James shrugs, and hands Biff the Microphone.
Biff: Hi everyone. I know that the last time you saw me, i was hightailing it out of that door over there, a door which curiously enough, has been welded shut to prevent my speedy exit.
A proud nod by James indicates that he was most likely the one who welded the door shut.
Biff: With that said, i just want to say that before i compete in this match. There are a few things that i have to share with all of you people. Number one. I am white.
Mixed responses of "duh" and "No shit, Sherlock" are heard from the crowd in response.
Biff: Also, i am a bum. I do live in a trailer with my mom. James Chambers is an Uncle To--
James:--Whoa! I think we can do without one.
Biff nods in agreement, and clears his throat.
Biff: I do have a good friend named Gouda Dan, who...didn't shoot himself in the leg with a flare gun. However, i did get jumped by all 4 of those guys over there.
Biff motions to Doctor Pop & his boys in the corner, who proudly nod in agreement. Various comments of "Hell yeah", "We did that shit", and "Fucked that white boy up" are uttered by them.
Biff: However...
Biff pauses. Holy crap! He totally skipped over the part where he finds out damaging information about Doctor Pop's true character that proves as detrimental to his image and ultimately forces him to chicken out and exit the ring! How could he be so dumb?! He began to panic. He begins to think, and tries to think back over everything that has transpired in this fantasy. Various images come into play, from his Mother riding Jeff/Leonard like seabiscuit to him getting his teeth kicked in by Doctor Pop and his boys. There was nothing pertinent in his memory, so he decides to do the next best thing. Make something up. He racks his brain, and after a tense moment of thinking, he has an Idea...he looked up, smiled, and blurted out....
Biff: Doctor Pop likes nipple play!
A shocked expression crosses Doctor Pop's face, and he turns his attention to a young lady in the crowd.
Doctor Pop: Bitch, you said you wasn't gonna tell nobody! You PROMISED Rhonda!
Doctor Pop bursts into tears and exits the ring, leaving Biff stunned in the ring. The fans in attendance turn on Doctor Pop, and a chant of "NIPPLE PLAY" follows him out the door. Once he's gone, Biff raises his arms triumphantly and chants of "GO WHITE BOY, GO WHITE BOY" begin. Biff smiles and exits the ring. He walks out of the building with James/Hereafter & Kenny/Gouda Dan in tow.
Kenny: Hey, where you going, aren't you going to hang around a revel in the public approval of 160+ black people?
Biff: No, Gouda Dan. I can have to go. AHEM.
Kenny nudges James to say his piece, causing James to roll his eyes in mild aggravation. He sarcastically asks..
James: Gee, B-Monkey, where are you going?
Biff: Back to the Real World. I have a match to win.
No sooner than Biff says this, everything around him becomes distorted. The setting begins to swirl, faster..faster...faster.....
[/i]BAM BAM BAM
A angry pounding snaps Biff back to "reality". He looks up, and suddenly, he's no longer in the hotel's bathroom. He finds himself in a rather shitty bathroom in an unknown location.
Voice: Hey man, hurry the fuck up!
Biff: Be out in a minute!
Biff rises and goes to exit the stall, but suddenly feels his stomach turning. He spins back around, and pukes in the toilet.
Biff: Aw man, my sweater!
Biff pushes open the stall door and as he exits, catches a glimpse of himself in the bathroom's mirror. He is no longer wearing his Transformers robe and Dinosaur slippers, but a frayed red hoodie with a fresh puke stain on the front, a white knit hat. He goes to exit the bathroom, but before he can get his hand on the doorknob, the door swings open, and James enters.
Biff: Jimmy?
Jimmy: Who were you expecting, your real dad? Hasn't been around in fifteen yea--
James pauses in mid-sentence, as he catches a glimpse of himself in the mirror.
James no longer wears his stylish suit, but a green bomber jacket with a hooded sweatshirt underneath and blue jeans. Looking down, he sees that his stylish Gucci Wingtips have been replace by brown Timberland boots. Finally, looking into the mirror he sees that his finely tapered low haircut & goatee have been replaced with long, flowing dreadlocks and a rugged goatee. The look of horror on his face changes to one of rage, and he turns his attention to Biff, who suddenly is paralyzed by fear. James screams a primal scream, and leaps on Biff. He tackles him to the ground, grabs him by his neck and begins to bounce his head off of the floor, repeatedly.
James: How the hell could you do this to me, you son of a bitch!?!? I've got a match coming up in 24 Hours! I was good to you!
Biff: -oof-I'm sorry Jimmy! -head bouncing against floor-It's not my fault!
James: What the hell did you do to me? Is this another one of your stupid fantasies?!? Take me back to reality, now!
Biff: Jimmy it was your speech! You came over, and got me all inspired, it was like watching 8 Mi--
James:--Stop right there! You finish that sentence and we get sued for copyright infringement.
Before Biff can reply, a voice on a booming through a soundsystem on a microphone can be heard.
"And now for our contest, I'm gonna need B-Monkey! Where's B-Monkey?"
James: Is that what i....?
Before James can complete his sentence, the hallway door opens, and another familiar voice startles them.
"Seriously? Gouda Dan? Why do i have to be the guy who shoots himself in the cock? Is it because I'm the only other white in this group?"
James and Biff turn to see that the voice reveals itself to be Kenny, who stares outraged at the group.
James: Okay, everybody just calm down. Even though we're trapped yet again in another one of Biff's stupid daydreams, at least we got all the decent roles in that semi-autobiographical film about that certain rapper's early career. I'd hate to see what part Leonard plays in this.
Announcer: B. Monkey! Come to the stage!
All eyes shift to Biff.
James: I think you're B-Monkey.
Biff: I think you're wrong. How do you know you're not B-Monkey?
Announcer: B. Monkey, get your pasty white ass to the stage!
Biff shrugs.
Biff: Could mean you, Kenny.
Announcer: And bring that puke stained hoodie with you!
Biff froze, now he knew for sure. He had to go down to the ring and face whatever was waiting for him. He looked at James and Kenny (or Hereafter & Gouda Dan as they're known in this fantasy) takes a deep breath, and exits the bathroom. The bathroom leads him into a crowded hallway in a run-down bingo hall. Judging by the attire worn by the people he sees, it appears that just about everyone in this daydream has died and gone to 1995, either that or they broke into a fashion museum and stole all the Walkmans and overly baggy jeans they could find. Another thing he notices right away as he shoves his way through the crowd in the hallways. With the very mild exception of Kenny, and he was a lone drop of Vanilla in a sea of angry black faces. He follows the booming voice of the announcer into crowded room. Feeling confident that this fantasy mirrors the plot of that one dramatic film released in 2002 which is a thinly veiled story about the life of a highly regarded rap artist who has sold millions of records, he prepares to bust some funky rhymes on a stage. However, when he gets to the center of the room, he sees that there is not a stage, but a ragged wrestling ring with the "announcer" standing in it.
Biff: Jimmy?
James waves Biff into the ring.
Biff: Jimmy, what are you doing? You were the announcer the whole time? You're gonna get me killed!
James leans and whispers to Biff:
James: What the fuck? This is your daydream, don't blame me! We were still standing in the bathroom when you left and somehow, someway, i ended up in this ring saying all kinds of shit! I never say "Nigga" this much!
James hand begins to involuntarily shake.
James: Oh no, it's happening again!
It's almost as if James has no control over his own hands, as his microphoned hand slowly rises up to his mouth.
James: Ladies, Gentlemen, and Niggas! It's time for our first match in the preliminary round of the Shelter Wrestling Tournament! Introducing first, representing 313 Wrestling, my man, B-Monkey!
The crowd loudly boos "B.Monkey", who looks more confused than ever as fans shout and curse at him.
Fan #1: BOOOOOOOOOOO. THE FUCK Y'ALL FIND THIS NIGGA AT?!?
Fan #2: YOU SUCK, WHITE BOY! LET'S GET SOME REAL PEOPLE IN HERE!
Fan #3: WE WANT VANILLA ICE!
Fans #1 & 2 shoot Fan# 3 cold, paralyzing looks. They then proceed to mercilessly kick & beat him as James goes to announce the next opponent.
James: Introducing next, his opponent, coming to us from Free World Wrestling Association, Doctor Pop!
The lights go dark, and when they come back on, standing in the ring is "Doctor Pop". A large, imposing man with several associates of the same description. Doctor Pop coldly stares down "B. Monkey". His entourage is ushered out of the ring by James, who then exits himself. The bell dings, and the two begin to circle each other. Doctor Pop looks like a man possessed, just waiting for Biff to attempt some kind of offense, any kind, so he can strike down & kill him. Doctor Pop lunges at him repeatedly, and Biff just manages to escape his grasp every time. Biff's confidence shrinks smaller and smaller with each swipe that's taken at him. He thought he was ready for this, but this monster chasing him down was simply on another level. After approximately 1 minute and 57 seconds of inactivity, Biff musters up enough courage, seizes the opportunity, and in a sudden burst of energy......
......
......
.......
Dives out of the ring and bolts out of the building.
The fans boo, throw trash at him as he exits and chants of "CHOKE" "CHOKE" "CHOKE" follow him out of the arena.
One hour Later....
We find Biff walking alone in a desolate trailer park, very identical to the one seen in that film about that battle rapper who struggles with stage fright, abject poverty and an alcoholic mother. A few moments later, he approaches what is his presumed trailer. He goes to twist the knob and open the door, but he hears what appears to be erotic moaning and sorrowful weeping. Biff walks back down the short flight of steps leading to the trailer. He walks to the window, and peers through it. He sees the naked back of blonde woman, moving up and down in a seductive manner....obviously APW is all about family, so we can't give you anymore than that. If you've seen that scene in that movie about that rapper who lives in a certain industrial American city known for producing cars with dreams of being a rapper where he comes home and finds his mother in a rather compromising position with another man, then you can probably guess what's going on. Biff adjusts his view, and he sees a man under the blonde woman with tears streaming down his face.
Biff: Is that...Leonard?
Biff's voice is loud enough to startle the blonde woman on top of Leonard, and she grabs a towel, covers her bare chest and turns around.
Biff: And...MAMA!
That's right. In a most appropriate role, Biff's mom is playing his mom, meanwhile a distraught Leonard plays the part of the freeloading boyfriend (who is only two years older than the main character, played by that one guy) of the mother in that one film that chronicles the life of a working class man with dreams of being famous rapper...for the purposes of not getting slapped with a copyright infringement lawsuit, we'll call him Jeff Drohl. Mama Riboflavin/Monkey unmounts "Jeff" who says a silent prayer and thanks god for "B.Monkey's" interjection. Mama answers the door, but a grossed out "B. Monkey" walks away in disgust. Mama puts on a jacket and follows him out.
Mama: Biff, honey...i know you had a rough night. I heard you got run out of the shelter.
Biff: How did you hear already? It literally happened an hour ago.
Mama: Well honey, we're in the dreamworld. Things happen quicker, that and this is a parody, meaning there's no need to cover the intricacies of the original film.
Biff: Eh, that's plausible.
The trailer door creaks open, and a traumatized Leonard/Jeff exits. He attempts to speak, but his voice is shaky.
Leonard: Biff, you gotta get me out here. You do whatever you need to do to get us back to the Real World. Come on, I'll help you.
Leonard goes to step down off of the stairs, but Mama stops him by placing a palm to his chest.
Mama: Not so fast, my little chocolate drop. You're supposed to be my freeloading boyfriend, and if my recollection of that film that takes place in that time of that world famous musician's early career, we're due for another stroke session!
Leonard mouths "Help Me, quickly" before breaking down in tears and going back in the trailer. Mama winks at "B.Monkey" before also heading back in behind Leonard. Biff sighs and decides to go on a walk around the city. However, before he can exit the trailer park, a large black SUV comes zooming at Biff. The vehicle comes screeching to a stop, and all the doors swinging open. Out hops Doctor Pop and his entourage, and they all begin to march toward Biff.
Doctor Pop: You read to get knocked out bitch?
Biff: Wait, wait, this isn't supposed to happen yet! I'm supposed to viciously beat one of you guys for having sex with the love interest first!
Doctor Pop: THIS A PARODY FOOL! We don't have time to cover the intricacies of the actual film!
Biff: What?
Pop floors Biff with a right hand! Biff crumbles against his neighbor's pickup truck and Doctor Pop & his goons swarm on poor Biff, kicking and beating him as he begs for mercy. The sound of blows landing echo throughout the trailer park, as Doctor Pop & his cronies mercilessly beat Biff. Just then....
"Take your dick beaters off my friend!"
A familiar and friendly voice is heard. James/Hereafter is there! So is Gouda Dan/Kenny, and they both enter the fray to help Biff out! Once James gets Pop's goons away from Biff, Biff is able to stand and start fighting back as well. It appears as if Biff & James are starting to get the upper hand, until...
POW!
A gunshot like sound pierces the air! All attention turns to Kenny, who is wielding a large flare gun.
Kenny: You wanna fuck with us, huh!? Fuck with us, yeah!?
Biff facepalms.
Biff: How is all this happening so soon!?
James: This is a parody Biff, there's not enough time to cover the intricacies of the original film!
Biff: Why does everyone keep saying that?!
Kenny: HEY! I have a fucking flare gun over here! According to the sequence of events in that movie about that rapper and his friends trying to make it in the rap business, I'm due to shoot my dick off in T-Minus ten seconds and you morons are obsessing about the laws of film parodies!
James nudges Biff, prompting him to say his lines.
Biff: Oh, right. Kenny, where the hell did you get that?
Kenny: It's my mom's.
Biff: Wait, you mean our mom, or your daydream parody mom?
Kenny: Uh, um... the second one!
Biff: Oh, ok. PUT THAT THING AWAY!
Kenny: Doctor Pop had one!
Doctor Pop: No i didn't.
Biff: Wait, why not?
Doctor Pop groans in frustration.
Biff: Right, right, i know. This is a parody, and There's not enough time to cover the intricacies of the original film.
BOOM
Another gunshot like sound pierces the air! Which can only mean one thing! Everyone turns to face Kenny expecting him to see with half of his crotch burned off from the flare gun, but it is revealed that Kenny only shot the gun in the air....again.
Biff: Kenny, we know! You're going to shoot yourself, go ahead.
Kenny: No, that was a question shot, i was trying to get everyone's attention. Since we don't have to cover every single detail of the original film, do i really have to shoot myself? I mean, a gun is one thing. If i shoot myself with a flare gun, I'm liable to set myself on fire.
James: He does have a point, we don't want that problem.
Everyone, including members of Doctor Pop's entourage begin talking at once, all voicing their agreement with Kenny & James.
Biff: Okay, so can we come to a general consensus right now that due to time constraints its probably a good idea to skip straight to the triumphant ending? Normally i would love to stick around in a daydream where i play the lead character in that movie that won an Academy Award for best original song, but we really have to finish this thing off and get back to the present.
Doctor Pop: Can i interject for a second here? As far as finishing this thing up, i echo your sentiments, as i am anxious to return to my nonexistent life as a figment of your imagination. However, in order for the ending to make sense, you have to let us finish beating you up, otherwise you're just going to randomly be showing up to wrestle me for no apparent reason whatsoever.
Biff shrugs.
Biff: Okay, fair enough. Jimmy, Kenny, I'll catch up with you guys later?
James: Cool, I'll catch you down at the Shelter later tonight for the big triumphant final scene where you redeem yourself in the eyes of your peers, but ultimately your life remains the same after. Kenny, we out!
Kenny: Hey Jimmy, can we go to Jamba Juice?
James: This is 1995, you idiot, Jamba Juice doesn't even exist yet.
Kenny: Right. How 'bout Cold Stone Creamery?
James and Kenny walk off down the street, leaving Biff with Doctor Pop & his cronies.
Biff: Okay guys, let's do thi----
Doctor Pop lands a wicked right cross that drops Biff flat! Once Biff hits the ground, Doctor Pop & his cronies swarm and begin to kick & beat him as he desperately tries to cover up. The beating continues for over 20 minutes, and when it finally ends, Biff uncurls himself from the fetal position and coughs a little. He writhes on the ground, groaning in pain for about ten more minutes, before finally getting up, dusting himself off and walking away.
Meanwhile, down at the Shelter.....
Gouda Dan/Kenny & James/Hereafter stand in line outside of the shelter, waiting for admission to the big match later on tonight. Hereafter leans on the brick wall, while Gouda Dan spoons Baskin Robbins into his wide open gullet.
Gouda Dan: Wow, this is sooo much better than Cold Stone Creamery.
Hereafter: I told you so. Man, where the hell is Biff and what on earth is taking him so long?
Gouda Dan: Not sure. So...in that movie about that guy who wants to be a rapper but doesn't have any money and lives with his mom, aren't you the guy that hosts these things?
Hereafter: Holy shit, i am. It's been a while since I've seen the movie about that impoverished aspiring rapper who presses bumpers for a living...come on, let's go in.
"Hey, guys!"
Kenny/Gouda and James/Hereafter turn shift their eyes to see a badly beaten Biff/B-Monkey limping toward them.
Gouda Dan: Sweet Bejeezus!
Hereafter: Damn, they fucked you up! Your black eye has a black eye!
Gouda Dan: That's quite shock. That Doctor Pop really seemed like a nice guy.
Biff: He is. He was really conflicted about savagely beating me as my daydreamy family pleaded for my life.
Hereafter: Well, in any case, are you ready to give this thing a go?
Biff: As ready as I'll ever be.
All three men walk into the hall together, as Biff/B. Monkey prepares to seek revenge on his attackers. Forcing their way through the crowd, Biff slides into the makeshift ring and James goes in behind him. Gouda Dan/ Kenny elects to wait at ringside.
James: Ladies & Gentlemen, it's about to get so serious right now! Coming to the ring right now, my man, B. Monkey!
Biff taps James on the shoulder.
Biff: I'm actually, I'm already in the ring, Jimmy.
James: I stand corrected, already in the ring and ready to get this shit on, my man, B. Monkey!
James turns to the opposite corner to introduce Doctor Pop.
James: Introducing second, his opponent, the reigning and defending Shelter Championship Wrestling Heavyweight Champion, Doctor Pop!
Doctor Pop raises his arms triumphantly, as he takes in the cheers of the crowd. Biff leans and whispers to James once more.
Biff: Actually, I'd like to say something.
James shrugs, and hands Biff the Microphone.
Biff: Hi everyone. I know that the last time you saw me, i was hightailing it out of that door over there, a door which curiously enough, has been welded shut to prevent my speedy exit.
A proud nod by James indicates that he was most likely the one who welded the door shut.
Biff: With that said, i just want to say that before i compete in this match. There are a few things that i have to share with all of you people. Number one. I am white.
Mixed responses of "duh" and "No shit, Sherlock" are heard from the crowd in response.
Biff: Also, i am a bum. I do live in a trailer with my mom. James Chambers is an Uncle To--
James:--Whoa! I think we can do without one.
Biff nods in agreement, and clears his throat.
Biff: I do have a good friend named Gouda Dan, who...didn't shoot himself in the leg with a flare gun. However, i did get jumped by all 4 of those guys over there.
Biff motions to Doctor Pop & his boys in the corner, who proudly nod in agreement. Various comments of "Hell yeah", "We did that shit", and "Fucked that white boy up" are uttered by them.
Biff: However...
Biff pauses. Holy crap! He totally skipped over the part where he finds out damaging information about Doctor Pop's true character that proves as detrimental to his image and ultimately forces him to chicken out and exit the ring! How could he be so dumb?! He began to panic. He begins to think, and tries to think back over everything that has transpired in this fantasy. Various images come into play, from his Mother riding Jeff/Leonard like seabiscuit to him getting his teeth kicked in by Doctor Pop and his boys. There was nothing pertinent in his memory, so he decides to do the next best thing. Make something up. He racks his brain, and after a tense moment of thinking, he has an Idea...he looked up, smiled, and blurted out....
Biff: Doctor Pop likes nipple play!
A shocked expression crosses Doctor Pop's face, and he turns his attention to a young lady in the crowd.
Doctor Pop: Bitch, you said you wasn't gonna tell nobody! You PROMISED Rhonda!
Doctor Pop bursts into tears and exits the ring, leaving Biff stunned in the ring. The fans in attendance turn on Doctor Pop, and a chant of "NIPPLE PLAY" follows him out the door. Once he's gone, Biff raises his arms triumphantly and chants of "GO WHITE BOY, GO WHITE BOY" begin. Biff smiles and exits the ring. He walks out of the building with James/Hereafter & Kenny/Gouda Dan in tow.
Kenny: Hey, where you going, aren't you going to hang around a revel in the public approval of 160+ black people?
Biff: No, Gouda Dan. I can have to go. AHEM.
Kenny nudges James to say his piece, causing James to roll his eyes in mild aggravation. He sarcastically asks..
James: Gee, B-Monkey, where are you going?
Biff: Back to the Real World. I have a match to win.
No sooner than Biff says this, everything around him becomes distorted. The setting begins to swirl, faster..faster...faster.....
James: My hair! My clothes! I'm presentable again!
Everything was back to normal. Biff found himself back on the same hotel toilet, with the real world around him. He knew what he had to do now, and he was going to do it. He was a better man because of his loss to Sally Talfourd, and suddenly he no longer felt the urge to doubt himself. He rose from the toilet and exited the bathroom.
[/i]Biff: Jimmy, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to get you wrapped up in this stupid fantasy. It's just that you were saying all that cool stuff and got me inspired.
James: You got nothing to apologize for, kid. I'm glad i inspired you, and I'm glad you've got your spirit back. Knock em' dead at Mayhem, buddy.
James pats Biff on the shoulder, smiles and exits the room. He gives Kenny a wink and mouths "fuck you" to Leonard as he exits the hotel room. Leonard turns around and begins to nervously twiddle his thumbs. Biff smiles and slaps Leonard's shoulder.
[/i]Biff: So, how about that trip to IHOP?
Leonard: Please tell me that you washed your hands in there?
Another day gone, another problem solved. With Jimmy's inspiration, Biff finally knew that he was here for a reason. He knew that no matter what, he'd be where he needed to be when it was all said and done, no matter how many heads he had to crack to get there. The loss to Sally Talfourd was just a small setback, a mere bump in his road to the top. There are bigger, more important things to look forward to, namely APW Mayhem coming up in a few days. He couldn't wait to make his APW Pay Per View Debut, and he was going to do so in impressive fashion.
Saturday, May 20th, 2011
Circuit Hotel, Melbourne, Australia
Everyone has gone out to celebrate. Kenny got dressed down once again in another leisure suit (This time Lime-Green in color), Leonard poured yet another bucket of Drakkar Noir over his head and James, perhaps the most normally dressed of the three went out as well. James wanted to enjoy his first night in Melbourne before marching into his title match at Mayhem, and Leonard and Kenny just went along for the ride. Biff was the only person to stay behind tonight, as he wanted to relax and reflect on the task that lay ahead and give his thoughts on his upcoming match to the APW Universe. He removes his laptop from his bag, activates the webcam function, and begins to record.
Hello world, Biff here. As you can see, I'm not hanging with the boys tonight. I wanted to stay home and have a quiet night tonight, but i still wanted to give my thoughts on the upcoming match at Mayhem, as well as dish about my first ever loss in APW. So with that said, let's jump right into it. This past Overdrive didn't go as i expected. I went in there baring it all, and came up short in the end. Most people in that situation would look at the loss as a bad thing. Alot would say that i lost momentum going into one of the biggest shows of year. Myself on the other hand, see nothing but good things coming from this. I mean, i lost to Sally Talfourd, one of the absolute greatest World Champions in APW's storied history. The fact that i was able to push her to the limit before ultimately succumbing to her strong will is enough to skyrocket my stock in itself. There absolutely no shame in losing to Sally Talfourd, because the only thing better than momentum, is redemption. Now people have seen Biff Riboflavin lose. They know that even in defeat, he shines. They know that no matter how badly beaten i am in that ring, i can not and will not go down without a fight, point blank period. And as good as i looked in that match, the scary thing, well at least for my opponents this Sunday that is, is that I'm only getting better. Now that I've tasted defeat, i can look at this loss, reflect on it, analyze it, dissect it piece by piece and figure out whatever it is i have to do to prevent the same thing from happening next time. I know what i have to do now. I know I'm here in APW for a reason, and it just wasn't my time to beat Sally Talfourd.
Sally, don't get too comfortable because rest assured, Biff Riboflavin will be coming for you again. That much you can count on. Enjoy your victory for now, but not too long, as you face quite a daunting task yourself at Mayhem when you take on C.J. Gates, a formidable opponent if ever there were one. I wish i could say the same thing for the opponents that i face at Mayhem, but unfortunately, i can't. On my road to Redemption this weekend, i take one one half of the Contourage in Terry Marvin, and Matt Weatherlight, or as Jimmy refers to him "Pence's loose nut". Neither man poses a threat to me at all, and i will prove this by destroying both of them and retaking my place as the hottest up and coming prospect in APW today. I've kind of adapted Jimmy's attitude when it comes to my opponents, being that while i expect them as competitors due to the dangerous nature of this business, i have none for them as an opponents, because they are someone who could potentially harm me. Both of these men, Matt and Terry, are two very dangerous competitors, i admit. However, they are also both very bad people who would sell their own mothers if it meant getting to the top. One man even glorifies being dishonorable, and makes no secret about his intentions to defraud others to get ahead in this business.
I'm talking about you, Terry Marvin. You came in around Survive & Conquer. You put out quite an "entertaining promo" that had the masses buzzing. Then, at the actual event you put up quite an impressive performance to match. I admit, i was quite impressed with the way you handled yourself. You were in there with some of APW's top dogs, and you weren't intimidated at all. You stood up to them, and you showed that you weren't going to crease. Even though you didn't win, you proved that you had the heart, drive and determination to compete at the top level, and there were high hopes for you. You were billed as the next big thing, and it appeared that you were going places. A likely story for people like yourself. First of all, as far as that "promo" you filmed that had everyone buzzing, color me unimpressed. You might have won everyone else over, but i wasn't convinced because even though i just started wrestling, I've been around this business for a long time as Jimmy's assistant, and we've seen plenty of guys just like you, who have the same charisma and cult following, amount to nothing. You cut yourself a fancy promo to get all the support of the masses, and then you think that's all you have to do. In the end, you end up washing out. And it looks like that's where your headed, Terry. I saw it coming right after you lost to Sally on the Overdrive following Survive & Conquer. You looked slow in that match, as if you didn't prepare for it all.
You entered that match thinking that you had seen all you could have seen from Sally Talfourd and you got caught slipping. She put you down, and brought you back to earth. One would think that after such a humbling loss that you'd get your head on straight and start taking this sport seriously, but what happens the next week? You lose a shot at the Overdrive Title to Ryan Ruckus. I suppose there's no shame in that loss, as Ryan is up for a shot at Level One and stands a damn good chance of taking the strap from him, but for someone as "highly touted" as you were, you should have won the match with relative ease. Well, here's the deal. At Mayhem, I'm going to put an end to the "hype" of Terry Marvin once and for all with some well placed kicks, a frantic pace, high flying offense that attacks from all angles, and just generally being a better competitor all around. I'm going to show the world that Terry Marvin is a fraud, and that he does not belong in the ring with me. It doesn't matter whether i pin him or that whiny little turd Matt Weatherlight, because they're both going to be dealt out the same amount of punishment and their both going to feel my wrath and forever regret the day they stepped in the ring with Biff Riboflavin.
To be honest, Terry, our career paths aren't too different. I came in under the radar, just like you. Nobody expected much from me, but then i produced a promo that got people talking, just like you. i dazzled in my debut match, just like you did at Survive & Conquer. Unfortunately, that's where the similarities end. I went on to win three in a row, whereas you alternated wins & losses, with the wins coming over subpar competition. You looked so-so in your victories and like trash in your losses, whereas even in my lone loss to date, I've showed that i can hang with the best of them. All you've shown us so far is that you can't even hang with the middle of the road competition that you've lost to, and that your best use will be as a gatekeeper, a mere stepping stone for people like me on their way to the top. You never had the potential to be great, you were just someone who appeared to be a fresh new face in a time of Lester-Sally sameness. All you had were backing & endorsement, but you never had the ability everyone thought you had.However, i do. I have all the skills, talent, and most importantly, i have the following to succeed in this business, unlike you.
A talent comes around, talks a good game, raises a few eyebrows and gets people talking, but he lacks the skill to back up said talk. Another talent comes around, talks the talk, and when the time comes, walks the walk. He also has the support of the fans. You want to know the difference between these two scenarios, Terry? For the first one, the talent who's all talk, it's called hype. For the second one, it's called a matter of time. Obviously, from the theme of what I've been saying so far i don't have to tell you where you fall, and clearly, you can see from my performances lately that i fit the second description, as i talk the talk and walk the walk religiously. I'm on my way up in this company. I've got everything to gain, and nothing to lose. Largely due to the fact that I WILL NOT LOSE. While you? You're at a crossroads, you've got some tough, tough, decisions to make about your career. You've definitely seen better days here, and if your embarrassing loss last week at the hands of Jacob Whitehead is any indicator, you're slowly sinking into obscurity. After this loss at Mayhem, I'll help you complete that transition, I'll push you all the way down to the undercard, and I'll send Matt Weatherlight with you so you won't be alone when you're wrestling for peanuts against the likes of Mr. Dangerous and the other hacks who couldn't cut it on the big stage. You'll find out like so many others have that you simply do not possess the tools to contend with Biff Riboflavin.
However, it will serve as a feather in your cap in a way, as you'll have the distinction of being able to say that you lost to the great Biff Riboflavin in his APW Pay Per View Debut, because with the tear I'm about to go on, having a spot in my legacy win or loss would be a high honor. This doesn't mean that I'm underestimating you, Terry, not at all. You do seem to posses some skill, and I've prepared myself well to counter just about everything you throw at me. Anything you can do, i can do ten million times better with less effort. I'm going to do with the support and following I've garnered what you should have done with yours....which is capitalize and show the people they were right to put their trust in me. They were right to believe that i was on my way to being of the greatest APW Megastars of all time. As for you, you get to be one of the people that help me get to the top, so you actually do serve a purpose in all of this, and you're going to serve as a bigger help to my career as you thought.
One thing you did, was align yourself with Ryan Ruckus & AJ King to create the Contourage. Again, not impressed. I watched you guys enter the ring week in & week out and pull your little shenanigans, and in the end, where did it get you? What did it prove? Nothing positive, that's for sure. All you idiots showed was that you can't stand on your own two, and you have absolutely no heart. You guys went through all the trouble of creating that group, and in the end, it turned to be a fart in a wind, something that stunk while it was around, but is now gone and nobody misses. Whatever happened to that loser AJ King? The correct answer to that question would be "It doesn't matter, because either way, nobody cares." One of the many great things about the Contourage going the way of the dinosaurs was that we got to see Ryan Ruckus break out on his own for the very first time in his APW Career, because honestly, i thought that the Contourage was holding him back. Having to clean up behind you and that other moron AJ King was definitely not helping his career.
And now that your hype has faded, and your little "clique" has failed, what do you have left? Nothing. Your scheming and conniving ways have caught up with you, and now you have to deal with consequences in the form of Biff Riboflavin. Your chickens have come home to roost Terry Marvin, and you have nobody to blame but yourself. Ruckus was smart enough to cast you aside like the freeloading piece of trash you are, and i will do the same thing at Mayhem. This will not be a redemption of any sort for you, so you can stall any kind of hope you have for a comeback, because it's not happening. It's not your time, you blew the little window you had. There's one thing you can do though, is come out to the ring, make me look good and watch me shine.
However, Terry Marvin isn't going to be my only victim at mayhem, no. There's also another man, who i am looking forward to hurting considerably more than Terry Marvin, and i imagine that I'd have the full support of my peers if i were to do so. I'm sure you all know who I'm talking about, the worst second generation superstar in the history of sports, Matt Weatherlight. Matt is another one who was supposed to be shaking things up around here, as told by him and his delusional father. The rest of us couldn't care less. While he's proved to be successful against the bottomfeeders, when matched up with Khaos, is a mid-level competitor at best, he looked like crap. He looked as if he didn't even want to be in the ring. He looked terrified, and from that performance, we all learned, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. I mean, his father was a coward who ran his mouth to no end, and so far, that's all we're seeing from you, Matt. I think it's pretty funny to see that you and your dad are sooo much alike. You're both annoying, arrogant a-holes who everybody wants out of APW.
Life is so unfair sometimes. I mean, we finally get rid of one Weatherlight, and the other one comes strolling down the ramp trying to avenge daddy's honor. Well, Matt, you're not going to avenge your father's honor. You won't suffer the same fate as your father either. You're going to get it worse, because i want to make sure that there is no next time with me and you. You say you don't like me? Good. I don't like you. I don't like you father, and as i beat you to a pulp at Mayhem, I'm going to hold your bloody face up to the camera so you can wave to daddy at home. You want to come out to the ring and cut promos dissing the likes of Ryan Ruckus & Sally Talfourd, people who are easily capable of squashing you like the insignificant little cockroach you are. The nerve of a guy who's biggest career wins are over Diamente Valentine & Nathaniel Havok, and you barely squeaked out those wins. Oh, by the way, i think everyone knows who was more impressive in beating Nathaniel Havok. At least i won in convincing fashion whereas it took every fiber of your being to win. After i beat Nathaniel Havok, i rose up, and triumphantly pumped my fists. You could barely stand when it was over.
As terrible an athlete you are, you're an even worse person. You're the worst kind of scum polluting this business with your filth. You have no respect for everyone, you think you should be handed everything off of the very mild merits of your father, and the only person you care about is yourself. You might have the fans fooled, but you certainly don't fool me. I see right through your act. You don't care about the fans, you just want to use them to get to where you want to be, and once you get the smallest bit of shine, you're going to throw them under the bus and go for self. I guess that's how you do things the "Weatherlight Way." You don't think you're getting the respect of the public going into this match. You think you should be the favorite, because somehow victories in 2 victories over less than desirable competition is worth more than three consecutive victories over two world champions and an up & comer. Only in your mind does that make any sense whatsoever. Don't worry though, Matt. At Mayhem, we're going to clear up the rumors, and all questions will be answered, and we're all finally going to find out what Pence's baby boy is made of. Or rather, the world is going to find out what i already know, and that is the fact that you're a jealous coward who can't handle when someone's more successful than him.
Instead of being humble, you choose to tear people down in your promos. You prefer to disrespect your peers, and spew venom at anything they do. You want to know why when your father's joke of a career fizzled out the way it did, and he gave that pathetic, weepy, retirement speech and left APW, nobody cared? It's because the entire time he was here, he did nothing but badmouth people. He thought it was cute to trash everyone and every thing on any microphone that was available. So when he was down on his luck and looking for someone to talk to, nobody was there. In fact, people celebrated when they found out he was gone, because that's just the type of reaction he brought out of people. And now, you're headed down the same road. I don't like Terry Marvin, but it's not him I'm looking forward to getting out of APW. It's you. I want to destroy you, i want to hurt you both physically and psychologically, i want you to feel as small as you've tried to make others feel. And when it's all over, when you don't have a friend on the world or a fan in the audience, you're going to do just like your father did when it happened to him. You're going to turn tail and run. You're going to flee like the miserable coward that you are.
Normally, I'm not one to take pleasure in the misfortune of others, but I'm going to revel in yours. I'm going to take intense pleasure in telling people that i was responsible for ridding the wrestling world of not one, but two Weatherlights, because let's be honest, we all know that's what's going to happen when this is all over. You're going to mope around the locker room all depressed, looking for sympathy, and when nobody gives it to you, you're going to simply fade away, and APW will once again be a happy place. I'm going to enjoy kicking you while you're down. I'm going to enjoy never letting you forget that you were one of my victims. However, as confident as i am in the fact that I'm going to beat you senseless at Mayhem, I'm not confident at all that this will be the last we see of the Weatherlights. I'm sure once you leave with your tail in between your legs we'll see Pence's third cousin on his father's side Rufus Weatherlight come in here and try his hand at wrestling. Maybe Pence has another bastard child like you lurking around who thinks that just because his father was a World Champion in a time of John Greens and Trevor Blackwells that he can do the same thing. The possibilities are endless. It doesn't matter though, because you line 'em up, and I'll knock em down.
You want to know why i have a following, Matt? Because people like me. People respect what i can do in the ring. I'm someone the fans can count on to come out to the ring, week in, and week out and put on great performances. I don't talk down on other people, and i give respect where respect is due. I'm not a self-righteous Jerk, and i certainly don't think I'm god's gift to everything wrestling related. I'm humble, I'm better looking, and even though I'm not the sharpest knife in the drawer, i can damn sure guarantee that I'm smarter than you, and that's saying alot. I've got an impressive string of victories under my belt that people can respect, and i give people reason to pick me to win matches, because I WIN MATCHES.
You want to know why you don't have a following? Well, even though i have 4 hours left on my laptop battery, even that's not enough time to rattle off all of your shortcomings. Oh well, I'll try and name a few though. Well, for one, and I've already stressed this...you don't have a style the fans can get behind. You're a dime a dozen, we've seen your style before. Number two, everything about you is boring. Your promos are boring. Your show segments are boring. Your matches are boring. If you can find me one sane person that will say Matt Weatherlight's matches are exciting, i swear with god as my witness, i will retire from wrestling right now. Another thing, you are just too cocky and arrogant for anybody's liking. You have ZERO reason to think so highly of yourself, yet all we hear flapping out of your wide open trap is how great and awesome you are.
The list goes on & on, but i don't have anymore time to waste on you. I have to finish mentally preparing for my big moment at APW Mayhem tomorrow night, where i will turn in yet another quality performance i like i do in all of my matches. However, unlike my last match, I'm going to win this time. Even more so, I'm going to do everyone a favor by taking out two of the biggest pieces of trash in APW. Two losers who were doomed from the second they signed the contract to compete here. Two lowly, bottomfeeding, scum sucking, curtain jerking hacks who don't deserve a place in the smallest ring in the smallest promotion in the smallest town. Just you two wait. Come Mayhem, there won't be any excuses, there won't be any complaining, there's just going to be shattered dreams for the both of you, and nothing more.
Terry Marvin, get ready for your worst fear to come to life. You've had this coming for a long time, and now i get to be the lucky man who gives it to you. Matt Weatherlight, you might as well call Daddy right now and tell him that you're not going to be coming home with the W. Think of it this way, at least he can't mad at you for losing and call you a failure, because he's a failure himself. The only dispute between you two will be over who the biggest failure is. You'll see that unlike you, i back up my talk. I'm way more than funnel cake and funny promos, I'm the next big thing around here, and the sooner you respect that, the better off you'll be."
A knock comes at the room door. Biff shouts that the door is unlocked, and the door is pushed open slightly. A slightly drunken James pokes his head in.
[/i]"Hey, are you doing your APW Mayhem promo?
"Yes."
"Have you addressed about that weak ass, shit talking Daddy's boy?"
"Well, i was just nearing the end of that."
"Oh. Can i say something really quick?"
"Go ahead, It's recording."
"Tell that motherfucker i said, suck my dick."
James cackles and closes the door.
[/i]"You'll see that I'm right world. Just wait until Mayhem, and them you'll know what I'm capable of. In the ring. You'll see the skills i posses and you'll respect them."
END SCENE
