Post by Johnny "True Brit" Brown on Aug 21, 2011 3:21:42 GMT -4
O.O.C.- remember the dodgy spelling is part of Johnny's accent. I can change up for latter rp's if it detracts.
The early bird catches the worm does it?
Wormies, 'ere I come. I'm sat... we'll at this point I don't even know where. It's just like to good ol' days; drifting around and kicking me 'eels. I damn near cant remember the last time I slept under the stars, I must be getting used to the shitty 'otels. This felt good.
I should be appreciating the beautiful scenery, the 'ue of wilderness, the way the lake shimmers in the morning sunlight. But I can't. A gnat burns at the base of me skull, gnawing at me brain. F'n annoying me.
Demon!
I said that I would beat you... and although I technically did. I won the match but I didn’t pin Demon, I beat the last minute kid Knoxville. Perhaps Big D will be gracious in defeat and not bring it up, or p'haps 'e'll cling to that fact to weather 'is own personal 'ell, knowing 'is mouth wrote checks 'is overrated arse couldn't cash. Sure overrated is a big term, especially to 'ang around 'is neck after only one match; but until 'e proves otherwise Teddy can wear it.
I'm not normally one to dwell, but at me very next match I can squash the gnat. Both of them.
The Shockwave early birds get a big fat juicy worm, booked on the pre-show, the working dark as the boys, are a whole bunch of APW “megastars” thrown into Aeris King, Mike Morrison, Yoko Misawa, The Demon, Tommy Knoxville, 'ayley 'itch, 'opper Rose an' me 'Cool F'n' Britannia' Johnny Brown.
The winner of our little pre-meal soiree, which'll be me by the way; gets to play at the big game, 'e, me, gets to bathe in the bright lights of Shockwave, to entertain the fans.
Me, I don't care abaaut the fans, for me its win or lose, and I win its what I do. The thing that is bouncing around me mind is shall I take Teddy Soul with me to the big show? 'e's a super-heavyweight, battle royals favour guys like 'im. The best tactic could be to stay out of 'is way let 'im trim down the field then take 'im out when we move under the live spotlight, we both know 'e couldn't beat me during our last match.
The big man factor could be applied to Yoko; I’ll leave the Beetles analogy 'cos I guess its been done to death. The 'uman Tsunami, which is actually a very accurate name, it describes what 'appens every time Chubbo goes for a swim, Mississippi River patrol 'ave been put on notice in case 'e goes for a pre-match dip, don't thank me I just being a diligent visitor to your... well I want to say great nation but meh! Seems more apropos.
Yoko arguably 'as the best credentials in this, 'e's part of RSM, a team that 'as established itself in APW, unlike the rest of us relative new comers.
With that said never let the element of surprise be under estimated, me and the chicks Aeris, 'ayley an' 'opper... 'aven’t 'ad a chance to show what we can do. Yeah in this techno age ya can google yer arse off, call your buddies in the biz and get the SP or lo-down or whatever the kids are calling it nowadays, damn that makes me sound old; me sponsor did the same thing last week and they'll did it again this week. It's their job, they sort the Intel, arrange me travel an' crap and I’ll beat the living piss outta me opponents.
Speaking of which lets get back to them, an' yes for those analyst out there I'm going the tried and tested running through your opponents in one long list type of promo, I could go for the too cool for school and ignore the fact we 'ave a big match coming up and talk gibberish, but I'll leave that to me opponents, YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!
Right, me' opponents. I touched on them earlier the chicks, before I continue I don't mean literally touched before I get a law suit 'anded to me by Butts and Grabbit attorneys at law.
Hayley 'itch, seems like a bitch an' Aeris King is... well I've got nowt on 'er, she's 'ad a single match, much like me, we both 'ave great legs, not the best of childhoods, but in this sport its damn near a given. Neither of these chicks are worth a damn. In my neck of tha' woods I’ve seen birds that'll knock yer block off for a pint, these two tho...
I just don't see it, fer Christ's sake 'ayley's claim to fame is for being able to swallow Jason's “Kash flow”, if you get my point. Tha' pair ovya can wear all the titty tops and fanny belts ya like you'll always be eye candy to the real men, not to mention; what we call back 'ome, chavs like 'opper.
Rose! 'ow you 'ave gotten into APW is a mystery ta me, ya can't talk, ya look like shit, and your flagrantly smoke weed like a Jamaican on Emancipation day, to all those that don't get that comment get out a little more, broaden yer 'orizons.
That's the problem with this damn country, yes Demon I’m going on a non-wrestling rant, I 'ave depth bitch learn to love it, ya all seem to think the World begins and ends with your shores. There is a wide world out there if your obese nation looked pasted their burgers and fries they'd know it.
As a True Brit I intend to show 'ow yer once proud Superpower 'as neutralised itself, one man who may join me cause will face me in the Shockwave battle royal, Mike Morrison.
Me fellow Brit does 'is own thing, all though I must admit I’m a bit envious of 'is 'air as I’m a bit of a chrome dome. We could unite our kingdoms to make sure Britannia rules, 'ave a gentleman’s wrestling match on the PPV, we could show the APW and all of it's fans 'ow we do it back 'ome.
To be 'onest I don’t really care who I face when the cameras are running.
Whether its me fellow country man, the duo I've Already put down, Knoxville an' Demon, the cum-guzzlers 'ayley 'n' 'airy, wigga boy Rose, or Red Shields bag carrier Yoko Misawa that survive their initial encounter with me, they won't be so lucky with the encore.
Oh yes, let us not forget the ultimate prize at the end of our journey (don’t stop believin'!!!) the Tap Out Title.
Well kinda, we get a shot at the Kash Man's gold. But that's a story for another time let me live you with my oft' used parting phrase,
At Shockwave all of ya are gonna get yer f'n' 'EADS KIC-.
You finished then?
It's not very often that Johnny Brown gets caught unawares but when you're sat in the middle of nowhere and you hear a familiar voice it throws you.
A long dead relative coming back from the grave? An beloved ex walking back into your life? A celebrity you admire? Nope a crazy waitress from a diner in a backwater town who you banged and ran from.
It took me a long time to find you suga, its like you were avoiding me.
Turning on a dime is the phrase, or in Johnny's case a penny would fit. Either way Brown spins around fast, his jaw held firmly in place to stop it falling open aghast.
Jolene?! 'ow did you find me? 'ow did you get 'ere? asks a gradually composing himself Johnny.
Looking past his serving stalker all he can see is his motorbike and a dirt track, almost as if Poochie dropped Jolene off on the way back to their home plant (Note: Poochie died on the way back to his home planet).
Well it wasn’t easy, after you left I managed to to find out where your next match was, but I just missed Asylum. Luckily one of the teamsters told me where the next show was, I had to blow him but I imagined it was you. Anyhoo here I am.
Upbeat would be an understatement, Jolene is bunny boiler happy and when an answer just raises more questions you know things aren't going well.
Je-sus yer like some trailer trash Pepe La Pew, I ain’t no paint covered cat who's gonna be looking over 'is shoulder ready for ya to pop up.
Wait a minute, why am I bothering asking questions, I’m Johnny F'n' Brown, I don't care about any of the skanks I bang on my travels. 'ell ya one of the most persistent ones but I don't care yer k-razy!
If there was an audience they would go awww about now. Jolene whole body crumbles. Her lip quivers and tears cascade down her cheeks as Johnny shoulders past her. He straddles his bike and pulls his helmet on. Desperate Jolene offers one last plea to try and stop “her man” from leaving.
Jonathan I gave you my flower, you said we were going to be together forever. Don't go, we are destined to be together!
Shaking his head Johnny starts his bike and kicks the stand back behind the exhaust.
FLOWER!! Who the 'ell calls it that? Now I know 'ow Kash felt when the crazy bitch 'ayley 'itch rocked up. Jolene... look it was tight but you're not right. If I see you again I'm gonna Chris Brown yer arse.
Left sobbing in a plume of dust Jolene wipes mascara from her cheeks.
But... I.... love.... you...
I never knew me baby could go that fast, I better give 'er some TLC when I get to a decent garage. All it would 'ave took was a cop to be around and there would 'ave been a real problem.
Fuck... OK John stop an' breathe. I've got a 'otel room, I 'ave no idea where I am (again) or 'ow much I paid but the door is closed, me baby is 'idden from Ms Nutso and I’m safe. Don't let 'er shake ya Johnny boy. You've got a big couple of matches coming up don't let some lo rent crazy get you off ya game.
Right I’ve made me mind up, 'ayley 'n' 'airyarse are gonna be me substitutes for Jolene. Every bit of anger and frustration she's 'as caused me is gonna get directed at them. I 'ave no qualms about smacking the $hit out of the “fairer sex”, it was a lesson me dadda taught me and it's one I'll never forget. They strike with their nagging mouths and I’ll silence 'em with me fists.
Maybe I’ll throw down a few beers first an' make it like a Saturday night back 'ome, Naw I'll watch Villa losing that always fired me old man up. I bet Mike 'as similar stories to tell, is it wrong that I wanna 'ave a beer with me opponent and talk about Britain? Sure Mr Madness is a little out there, but any man who likes Suggs and the boys is alright in me book. It's weird, when ya there ya cant wait ta get outta the shit 'ole but when you're over 'ere in the Land of the Fat and 'ome of the Dumb you miss it.
Speaking of which Misawa, you big, fat, dumb bastard, I was gonna try an' rise above the playgraand insults but I’m pissed now. For all I know RSM 'elped Jo-nutz find me, just in case Yoko is going dawwn in record time. F the war analogies lets play the natural disaster card.. Tsunami you may be devastating but I’m gonna bring the full force of an earthquake, volcano, tornado blah blah all in one 240lb bundle of British balls and kick yer blubbery ass.
To a man who 'as trained with the best shooters on the planet Yoko and Teddy aren't gonna be a challenge for me, to the uneducated shooting is taking people daawn and making 'em tap, not so I know 'undreds of ways ta knock the tall trees down and send 'em timbering over the top rope to the floor, just like their gurls tell 'em its not the size that matters,
A thought... one that 'as just leapt into my mind... Tommy Knoxville, I remembered that you dismissed me in your last gasp 'ype video, pretty much dismissed me as a no name... 'ow do you fell now that I’ve made you stare at the lights for the 1-2-3 Tom Tom? So you've never 'eard of me, then do some f%Casper King research. I've 'eard of you you're a choke artist, a different style than yer mum is but a choke artist none the less.
Ya 'ave potential and great 'ype but when it comes daawn to it you collapse like a 'ouse of cards. Ya need to spend less time on yer ink and fix yer stink.
Am I looking past the competition at the Tap-Out title? Maybe but I can say with certainty that at Shockwave...
Someone's gonna get their F'n' 'EAD KICKED IN!
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
The early bird catches the worm does it?
Wormies, 'ere I come. I'm sat... we'll at this point I don't even know where. It's just like to good ol' days; drifting around and kicking me 'eels. I damn near cant remember the last time I slept under the stars, I must be getting used to the shitty 'otels. This felt good.
I should be appreciating the beautiful scenery, the 'ue of wilderness, the way the lake shimmers in the morning sunlight. But I can't. A gnat burns at the base of me skull, gnawing at me brain. F'n annoying me.
Demon!
I said that I would beat you... and although I technically did. I won the match but I didn’t pin Demon, I beat the last minute kid Knoxville. Perhaps Big D will be gracious in defeat and not bring it up, or p'haps 'e'll cling to that fact to weather 'is own personal 'ell, knowing 'is mouth wrote checks 'is overrated arse couldn't cash. Sure overrated is a big term, especially to 'ang around 'is neck after only one match; but until 'e proves otherwise Teddy can wear it.
I'm not normally one to dwell, but at me very next match I can squash the gnat. Both of them.
The Shockwave early birds get a big fat juicy worm, booked on the pre-show, the working dark as the boys, are a whole bunch of APW “megastars” thrown into Aeris King, Mike Morrison, Yoko Misawa, The Demon, Tommy Knoxville, 'ayley 'itch, 'opper Rose an' me 'Cool F'n' Britannia' Johnny Brown.
The winner of our little pre-meal soiree, which'll be me by the way; gets to play at the big game, 'e, me, gets to bathe in the bright lights of Shockwave, to entertain the fans.
Me, I don't care abaaut the fans, for me its win or lose, and I win its what I do. The thing that is bouncing around me mind is shall I take Teddy Soul with me to the big show? 'e's a super-heavyweight, battle royals favour guys like 'im. The best tactic could be to stay out of 'is way let 'im trim down the field then take 'im out when we move under the live spotlight, we both know 'e couldn't beat me during our last match.
The big man factor could be applied to Yoko; I’ll leave the Beetles analogy 'cos I guess its been done to death. The 'uman Tsunami, which is actually a very accurate name, it describes what 'appens every time Chubbo goes for a swim, Mississippi River patrol 'ave been put on notice in case 'e goes for a pre-match dip, don't thank me I just being a diligent visitor to your... well I want to say great nation but meh! Seems more apropos.
Yoko arguably 'as the best credentials in this, 'e's part of RSM, a team that 'as established itself in APW, unlike the rest of us relative new comers.
With that said never let the element of surprise be under estimated, me and the chicks Aeris, 'ayley an' 'opper... 'aven’t 'ad a chance to show what we can do. Yeah in this techno age ya can google yer arse off, call your buddies in the biz and get the SP or lo-down or whatever the kids are calling it nowadays, damn that makes me sound old; me sponsor did the same thing last week and they'll did it again this week. It's their job, they sort the Intel, arrange me travel an' crap and I’ll beat the living piss outta me opponents.
Speaking of which lets get back to them, an' yes for those analyst out there I'm going the tried and tested running through your opponents in one long list type of promo, I could go for the too cool for school and ignore the fact we 'ave a big match coming up and talk gibberish, but I'll leave that to me opponents, YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!
Right, me' opponents. I touched on them earlier the chicks, before I continue I don't mean literally touched before I get a law suit 'anded to me by Butts and Grabbit attorneys at law.
Hayley 'itch, seems like a bitch an' Aeris King is... well I've got nowt on 'er, she's 'ad a single match, much like me, we both 'ave great legs, not the best of childhoods, but in this sport its damn near a given. Neither of these chicks are worth a damn. In my neck of tha' woods I’ve seen birds that'll knock yer block off for a pint, these two tho...
I just don't see it, fer Christ's sake 'ayley's claim to fame is for being able to swallow Jason's “Kash flow”, if you get my point. Tha' pair ovya can wear all the titty tops and fanny belts ya like you'll always be eye candy to the real men, not to mention; what we call back 'ome, chavs like 'opper.
Rose! 'ow you 'ave gotten into APW is a mystery ta me, ya can't talk, ya look like shit, and your flagrantly smoke weed like a Jamaican on Emancipation day, to all those that don't get that comment get out a little more, broaden yer 'orizons.
That's the problem with this damn country, yes Demon I’m going on a non-wrestling rant, I 'ave depth bitch learn to love it, ya all seem to think the World begins and ends with your shores. There is a wide world out there if your obese nation looked pasted their burgers and fries they'd know it.
As a True Brit I intend to show 'ow yer once proud Superpower 'as neutralised itself, one man who may join me cause will face me in the Shockwave battle royal, Mike Morrison.
Me fellow Brit does 'is own thing, all though I must admit I’m a bit envious of 'is 'air as I’m a bit of a chrome dome. We could unite our kingdoms to make sure Britannia rules, 'ave a gentleman’s wrestling match on the PPV, we could show the APW and all of it's fans 'ow we do it back 'ome.
To be 'onest I don’t really care who I face when the cameras are running.
Whether its me fellow country man, the duo I've Already put down, Knoxville an' Demon, the cum-guzzlers 'ayley 'n' 'airy, wigga boy Rose, or Red Shields bag carrier Yoko Misawa that survive their initial encounter with me, they won't be so lucky with the encore.
Oh yes, let us not forget the ultimate prize at the end of our journey (don’t stop believin'!!!) the Tap Out Title.
Well kinda, we get a shot at the Kash Man's gold. But that's a story for another time let me live you with my oft' used parting phrase,
At Shockwave all of ya are gonna get yer f'n' 'EADS KIC-.
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
You finished then?
It's not very often that Johnny Brown gets caught unawares but when you're sat in the middle of nowhere and you hear a familiar voice it throws you.
A long dead relative coming back from the grave? An beloved ex walking back into your life? A celebrity you admire? Nope a crazy waitress from a diner in a backwater town who you banged and ran from.
It took me a long time to find you suga, its like you were avoiding me.
Turning on a dime is the phrase, or in Johnny's case a penny would fit. Either way Brown spins around fast, his jaw held firmly in place to stop it falling open aghast.
Jolene?! 'ow did you find me? 'ow did you get 'ere? asks a gradually composing himself Johnny.
Looking past his serving stalker all he can see is his motorbike and a dirt track, almost as if Poochie dropped Jolene off on the way back to their home plant (Note: Poochie died on the way back to his home planet).
Well it wasn’t easy, after you left I managed to to find out where your next match was, but I just missed Asylum. Luckily one of the teamsters told me where the next show was, I had to blow him but I imagined it was you. Anyhoo here I am.
Upbeat would be an understatement, Jolene is bunny boiler happy and when an answer just raises more questions you know things aren't going well.
Je-sus yer like some trailer trash Pepe La Pew, I ain’t no paint covered cat who's gonna be looking over 'is shoulder ready for ya to pop up.
Wait a minute, why am I bothering asking questions, I’m Johnny F'n' Brown, I don't care about any of the skanks I bang on my travels. 'ell ya one of the most persistent ones but I don't care yer k-razy!
If there was an audience they would go awww about now. Jolene whole body crumbles. Her lip quivers and tears cascade down her cheeks as Johnny shoulders past her. He straddles his bike and pulls his helmet on. Desperate Jolene offers one last plea to try and stop “her man” from leaving.
Jonathan I gave you my flower, you said we were going to be together forever. Don't go, we are destined to be together!
Shaking his head Johnny starts his bike and kicks the stand back behind the exhaust.
FLOWER!! Who the 'ell calls it that? Now I know 'ow Kash felt when the crazy bitch 'ayley 'itch rocked up. Jolene... look it was tight but you're not right. If I see you again I'm gonna Chris Brown yer arse.
Left sobbing in a plume of dust Jolene wipes mascara from her cheeks.
But... I.... love.... you...
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
I never knew me baby could go that fast, I better give 'er some TLC when I get to a decent garage. All it would 'ave took was a cop to be around and there would 'ave been a real problem.
Fuck... OK John stop an' breathe. I've got a 'otel room, I 'ave no idea where I am (again) or 'ow much I paid but the door is closed, me baby is 'idden from Ms Nutso and I’m safe. Don't let 'er shake ya Johnny boy. You've got a big couple of matches coming up don't let some lo rent crazy get you off ya game.
Right I’ve made me mind up, 'ayley 'n' 'airyarse are gonna be me substitutes for Jolene. Every bit of anger and frustration she's 'as caused me is gonna get directed at them. I 'ave no qualms about smacking the $hit out of the “fairer sex”, it was a lesson me dadda taught me and it's one I'll never forget. They strike with their nagging mouths and I’ll silence 'em with me fists.
Maybe I’ll throw down a few beers first an' make it like a Saturday night back 'ome, Naw I'll watch Villa losing that always fired me old man up. I bet Mike 'as similar stories to tell, is it wrong that I wanna 'ave a beer with me opponent and talk about Britain? Sure Mr Madness is a little out there, but any man who likes Suggs and the boys is alright in me book. It's weird, when ya there ya cant wait ta get outta the shit 'ole but when you're over 'ere in the Land of the Fat and 'ome of the Dumb you miss it.
Speaking of which Misawa, you big, fat, dumb bastard, I was gonna try an' rise above the playgraand insults but I’m pissed now. For all I know RSM 'elped Jo-nutz find me, just in case Yoko is going dawwn in record time. F the war analogies lets play the natural disaster card.. Tsunami you may be devastating but I’m gonna bring the full force of an earthquake, volcano, tornado blah blah all in one 240lb bundle of British balls and kick yer blubbery ass.
To a man who 'as trained with the best shooters on the planet Yoko and Teddy aren't gonna be a challenge for me, to the uneducated shooting is taking people daawn and making 'em tap, not so I know 'undreds of ways ta knock the tall trees down and send 'em timbering over the top rope to the floor, just like their gurls tell 'em its not the size that matters,
A thought... one that 'as just leapt into my mind... Tommy Knoxville, I remembered that you dismissed me in your last gasp 'ype video, pretty much dismissed me as a no name... 'ow do you fell now that I’ve made you stare at the lights for the 1-2-3 Tom Tom? So you've never 'eard of me, then do some f%Casper King research. I've 'eard of you you're a choke artist, a different style than yer mum is but a choke artist none the less.
Ya 'ave potential and great 'ype but when it comes daawn to it you collapse like a 'ouse of cards. Ya need to spend less time on yer ink and fix yer stink.
Am I looking past the competition at the Tap-Out title? Maybe but I can say with certainty that at Shockwave...
Someone's gonna get their F'n' 'EAD KICKED IN!
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::