Post by biggs on Aug 26, 2011 20:38:54 GMT -4
Thursday, August 25
”Oh my gosh! Just look at the size of this place! There's so many stores!” Ellie exclaims with her jaw dropped practically to the floor as we enter the Mall of America in Bloomington, Minnesota.
”502 to be exact, including eateries. At least that's what it said on Wikipedia. Now before you get too excited, remember, I'm just here to do an appearance at the Nickelodeon Universe that will take about two hours,” I say, trying to calm my wife down. I can see the excitement in her eyes, as she's never been to a shopping center like this. Then again, neither have I. ”Well, I'm an hour-and-a-half early. There can't be any harm in looking around a bit.”
”What's our budget?”
”You know the answer to that, honey! So long as we're getting a good value for our money, it doesn't matter!”
Ellie lets out an almost squeal of delight, and we start to wander around. This is one of the many reasons I'm glad I've been disciplined with my finances ever since I started wrestling professionally. Getting to spoil Ellie like this is exactly the kind of thing I love to do. While there's a ton of people here, it doesn't feel crowded, largely thanks to the immense size of the place. Most of the shops are your standard mall fare, lots of women's clothing and the like, but as we're walking along, I notice a Barnes & Noble, perhaps the biggest one I've ever seen.
”Hey, Ellie, do you mind if we duck into Barnes & Noble for a bit?”
Ellie playfully rolls her eyes at me as she responds with a giggle, ”Yeah, and make you miss your scheduled appearance? I know the moment you go into there, you can get lost for hours in all those books!”
”You're probably right...”
”No, I am right!” Ellie says with a faux seriousness that makes me laugh.
”Okay, so after the event then,” I bargain, even though I know Ellie's not nearly as enthusiastic about books as I am.
”Sure. But I'm going to set a time limit, otherwise we'll never get you out of there! At least not until closing,” she jokes.
We spend much of the next hour browsing in the Macy's that anchors one of the corners of the mall. One hour and several shopping bags later, I look at my watch, and notice the time.
”We've got to quickly run these out to the car, otherwise I'll be late for my appearance!”
As I'm saying this, a security guard in the area pipes up. ”If you're strapped for time, there are locker rentals at the Customer Service Desk right over there,” he says as he points us towards our left.
”Thank you!” Ellie says politely and we make our way to the desk. It takes two lockers to hold all the stuff we've bought, most of it for Ellie, save for a slick blue polo shirt I found.
”Man alive, we'd better slow down before you buy the rest of the store!” I joke as I shove the bags in the lockers.
I can tell immediately that this wisecrack has upset Ellie, as she furrows her brows and purses her lips. ”That's not fair for you to say that! You said so long as we got a good value for our money, the budget wasn't an issue!”
I quickly close the lockers and wrap my arm around Ellie, trying my darnedest to get myself out of the hole I've suddenly dug myself into.
”Listen, it was just a stupid joke. I meant nothing by it. I want you to have a good time while we're here. I didn't just fly out here to Minnesota four days early just to make some stupid appearance for the company. I knew you'd enjoy coming out here, so that's why we did it. You know that I didn't mean to hurt your feelings...”
Ellie's face instantly gets better, and she gives me a peck on the cheek as she chirps, ”You're forgiven!”
I chuckle as I respond, ”Good thing! I wouldn't want that guilt hanging over me while I'm interacting with fans at this event! Anywho, let's get going over!”
As we approach the theme park inside the mall, I can't help but feel like perhaps the Nickelodeon Universe wasn't the best choice of venue for appearance. I eye a Best Buy out of the corner of my eye, and think that may have been a more proper audience for what I'm going to be doing today, but I wasn't the one who booked it, it was the APW higher ups. Oh well, I guess it's one of the responsibilities of being the champ. When we reach the gates, one of the workers stops us. He's a younger man, who looks incredibly dissatisfied and disinterested in his work.
”You need to get a ticket at the booth before you can come in,” he says rudely.
I take a look at his name tag, which reads Eugene, and reply, ”Actually, I don't. I'm here for a scheduled appearance at 3:00 pm. I'm the APW Undisputed Champion, Biggs. I was told all I needed to do was come to this gate, and I'd get in.”
Eugene gives me a flippant look before speaking, again rudely, ”I'll have to check with my manager. Stay right here.”
As he waddles off, Ellie has an annoyed look on her face. ”He's not too pleasant at all, is he!? As least he could show an inkling of pride in his work!”
”He must not be a wrestling fan. Don't worry about it. Everything will be worked out when his manager sees who I am.”
We stand there for the better part of ten minutes, which soon becomes twenty. Finally, Eugene returns with an older, heavyset man, who's wearing an orange vest, and has a clipboard in his hand. He introduces himself as Phil, the director of park events.
”Yep, it sure is you alright. We have a stage set up near the Sponge Bob ride, and a table nearby for the autograph session. Come follow me...”
Ellie and I follow Phil through the crowd, which is mostly made of young children. As we make it to the stage, I notice somebody familiar just getting off of the Sponge Bob ride.
”Reginald Schmidt! What the heck are you here?! Are you part of the promotional event as well?”
Reggie's face is red, and he looks very nervous. He's checking his groin region, probably making sure that he didn't wet himself, knowing him. Once he passes the piss check, his demeanor lights up immediately.
”Why yes I am! I just thought I'd hit up some of the rides before it, though! I'll tell you what, this is one awesome theme park, if I do say so myself. What do you think about it?” Reginald asks.
”It skews a little young for my tastes...” I answer.
Reginald interrupts me immediately, blurting out, ”This probably isn't the place to be telling pedophilia jokes, Biggs! Watch your mouth, man!”
Ellie glares at Reginald, crossing her arms over her chest. I respond tersely, ”That wasn't where I was going with that Reginald. Now you'd best mind your manners, unless you want my wife here to file a complaint against you with the APW higher ups.”
Reginald gets down to his knees and starts to beg, ”Please don't tell Jeff! I'm already on thin enough ice as it is! He thinks I don't have control of Asylum at all! If he thinks I'm sexually harassing the talent, well then my goose is cooked!”
”Maybe it should be!” Ellie snaps at him, still with her arms crossed, still glaring.
Phil is just standing there awkwardly, not sure what to do with the situation. He breaks the tension as best he can. ”Well, the stage is right over here. We only had two stools set up, because we didn't know your wife was coming, but we're going to start the Q & A session in about 10 minutes. Also, Mr. Schmidt, please get up off the ground. You're embarrassing yourself.”
Reginald sheepishly makes his way back up, red in the face. ”Could you please direct me to the restroom. I feel like I need to freshen up before the event.”
”It's over there. Make it quick,” Phil says, pointing towards the facilities that aren't even 20 feet away. The disdain in his voice is apparent. Reginald shuffles off, and Phil and I just look towards one another and shrug our shoulders. ”You have to put up with this guy every week?”
”Actually, no. Thankfully. I'm on Overdrive, and he's on Asylum.”
”I don't know what those are. I don't watch wrestling.” Phil says without emotion.
”So about how many people are we expecting for this? I'll be honest, I'm not sure if this is exactly the most receptive audience for Action Packed Wrestling...”
”Well, we have chairs set up for about a hundred people, and we've just began seating. Now if you'll please, I got to go get that idiot Reginald, and make sure he's ready.”
Phil promptly leaves our company, heading towards the same restroom Reginald went into. Ellie and I just look at each other, lost as to where we're supposed to go, or what we're supposed to do.
”Y'know, this whole thing seems like a fiasco. The fact that they're just now seating folks with less than five minutes before the event is supposed to start actually worries me. And Reginald. Seriously, that's the best APW could do to send out from Asylum? That's just embarrassing,” I complain to Ellie.
She agrees with me in a similarly upset tone, ”Well, maybe he's really the only guy from Asylum that's appropriate for four year olds...”
”Oh geez, hun, what does that say about me!?”
”Well, maybe it's because you don't swear...”
”Y'know, this whole situation is just brilliant. All I was told was to be hear by 2:45 pm for the 3 o'clock event, and now I'm just getting a nagging suspicion that this is a large waste of my time...”
As I say this, Phil and Reginald are seen coming back, and Reginald is a nervous wreck. ”I found him on the bathroom floor, crying,” Phil states matter-of-factually, and Ellie and I can't help but burst out in laughter at not only what happened with Reggie, but also the deadpan way in which Phil reported it. This hurts Reginald's feelings some more, and the old buffoon starts to cry even more! At this point, Phil just rolls his eyes, winds up, and gives Reginald a slap across the face! ”Pull yourself together, man! Based on what I've heard so far, your job is riding on you being able to make it through this event, so if you don't want me or your co-worker here have to give a bad report to your superiors, you'd better get yourself to a place where you can do this! Do you understand!”
Reginald sniffles like a child for a bit, before nodding his head dejectedly. ”Okay, let's get you two to the backstage area,” Phil says as he begins to lead us to where we need to be.
”I'll go find a seat!” Ellie says as she heads off.
We head to the backstage area, and can hear the yammering of the crowd just beyond the black curtain. Just to make small talk with Reggie, I quip, ”Man alive, who's idea was it to do this here?”
Reginald looks me right in the eyes, and says with pure conviction, ”It was my idea. We were going to have this appearance at the Best Buy, but I made an executive decision and had it changed to here a week ago! This place is freakin' awesome, and I wanted a chance to come here again without my wife. Last time we came, she wouldn't let me ride any of the rides!”
Phil can be heard snickering to our right, while Reginald gets an indigent look on his face. ”Is that funny to you, mister!? I'll have you know that I'm a very well respected individual in the Action Packed Wrestling organization!”
”Keep telling yourself that, Reggie...” I say as I roll my eyes. Now I'm pissed. Knowing the fact that this event was supposed to originally take place at the Best Buy, which is more in line with our target demographic, well, now doing this in the middle of the kiddie zone is just inexcusable. ”Wait a second, Reginald. Wasn't C.J. Gates supposed to be here as well? Y'know, so that it wouldn't just be a couple of guys the fans don't like going out there?”
”Oh crap! I forgot to tell him that it was here instead of the Best Buy! He's probably standing over there wondering what the heck is going on!” I can't help but face palm at this news, shaking my head in disbelief. It makes perfect sense now as to why they only seated the crowd five minutes before the event, because quite frankly, Reggie and I aren't going to draw in the fans for this kind of an appearance. I need somebody to play my heel schtick off of, and quite frankly, Reginald's not going to cut it. Also, these things tend to work better with a fan favorite involved. Sure, I may be APW Undisputed Champion, but I'm also one of the most hated men in the organization. People come because they want to see me get my butt kicked. My very bad feeling about this whole fiasco has become a terrible one.
”Okay, you guys just head out there as soon as you hear your names being called out,” Phil directs us. From the other side of the curtain, I can hear some guy hyping up the Shockwave pay per view, trying to sell it to the youngins.
Before long we hear him call out, ”Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the General Manager of APW Asylum, Reginald Schmidt and the APW Undisputed Champion, Biggs!”
Reginald looks like he's frozen up, not budging an inch. ”That's our cue to go, Reggie! Come on!” I grab a hold of his arm and drag him out through the curtain, and the two of us are greeted with faint boos, not because the crowd actually has some respect for us, but rather because there's hardly anybody there. I can count the number of people in the crowd on two hands, and that's including Ellie. She's switching between cheering wildly for me, and booing loudly for Reginald. She's really the only person showing any sort of emotion. Only Ellie and one other person are over the age of 12, and the kids look restless and bored.
I try to salvage this mess by getting on the mic, and playing it up to the young kids. ”Now I'm not sure how many of you have parents who actually let you watch Action Packed Wrestling, but for those of you who are allowed, you'll all know that I'm the APW Undisputed Champion, Biggs! And do you little snot-nosed brats know why I'm the champ? It's because I eat my vegetables! It's because I clean my room! It's because I did all my homework and became very smart, instead of being stupid, lazy bums like you!”
This gets exactly the reaction I was hoping for, as the little tykes start to boo me with all their might! One of the parents grabs her child's arm, and drags him away, not wanting him to be exposed to this.
”You see, you don't get to be great without hard work, and if there's anything you kids today seem to dread and fear, it's actual, true work! You're all content to just sit on the sofa, watching television while snacking on chips and soda, making yourselves fat! But you don't have to be that way! No, you all can be just like me!”
”We don't wanna be like you!” a little girl in pigtails yells from the seating area. She speaks with a slight lisp that I must admit would make me smile if I wasn't in full jerk mode.
”That's too bad! Because if you're not like me, than you'll end up like him!” I point to Reginald as I say this. He's still scared stiff, and there's now a sizable area of wetness in the groin region of his pants. He's made the mistake of wearing khakis, and all the kids laugh at his misfortune!
”Do you kids want to be little scaredy cats who pee their pants!?”
”NO!” they all yell out in unison.
”Do you kids want to wake up when your old and grey and wonder what the heck it is you did with your life!?”
The kids stop to think about what I said for a moment, probably not getting the general concept, before yelling out ”NO!” again.
”Do you kids want to see me get rid of this old, scared, pants peeing man right here, right now!?”
They respond with an overwhelming, ”YES!”
Suddenly, Reginald snaps into it, realizing what's about to happen to him. He starts begging and pleading with me to go easy on him. The kids are raising a ruckus, cheering me on as they boo Reginald. I notice a ball pit about five feet from the stage, and know exactly what I'm going to do. I grab a hold of Reginald by the head, pull him up to his feet, while grabbing a hold of his belt with my other hand, and give him a few clubbing blows to the back before tossing him as hard as I can, sending him falling into the ball pit! The kids are eating it up as I raise my hands triumphantly, acting like I'm the greatest hero the world has ever seen. The reaction from the 8 kids would seem to imply that this very small sample size would agree, and again I take the mic. ”If you want to see me beat up more scaredy cat men who pee their pants, ask your mommies and daddies to order APW Shockwave on Pay Per View this Sunday! Until then, get down with Sponge Bob!”
The kids cheer wildly for the Sponge Bob reference, and even though I can't stand that show, what can I say, it was effective. It also helped that a person in a Sponge Bob costume came sauntering over, and started dancing as they played some little kids' music over the speakers. With the little ones' attention turned away from me, I make my way backstage, shaking my head at how poorly the whole thing went off. As I get to the back, Phil has an astonished look on his face. ”Y'know, for something that was planned so piss poorly, you didn't do half bad! How'd you know that Sponge Bob would come walking by?”
”First off, before coming here, I made it a point to research what times your characters were roaming in the park, so if I needed a way out, I could take it. Secondly, I saw him coming this way. It's called being prepared and using your brain. You folks should try it sometime,” I respond flippantly as I walk off.
“Spacewalker,” by Depeche Mode, plays as the words FIRST CONTACT flash across the starry background in big, blue letters. The video switches to Biggs standing in front of the Rain Forest Cafe in the Mall of America. He has a perturbed look on his face as he begins to speak.
”Ladies and gentlemen, one and all, I welcome you to the absolute greatest professional wrestling web show on the entire Internet, I am talking, of course, about Biggs' First Contact! I am your host, the APW Undisputed Champion, Biggs! And recording this fine program is my lovely wife, Ellie!”
Ellie whips the camera around to quickly show herself, and giggles as she say, ”Hi internet!” She then flips it around to focus back on the APW Undisputed Champ.
”We are filming live from outside the Rain Forest Cafe in the Mall of America, where I just endured quite possibly the most awkward and uncomfortable public appearance outside of showing up to Pence Weatherlight's birthday party! For the record, I do not recommend going to the Nickelodeon Universe in this Mall, nor do I recommend going there with one Reginald Schmidt. But quite frankly I'm not here to talk about that idiot, I'm here to talk about my upcoming match with C.J. Gates!”
Some folks behind Biggs cheer at the mention of Gates. A little kid yells, ”You're going down, Biggs!” Biggs just ignores them and continues to speak.
”C.J., I've heard you talk an awful lot about your title hopes, and how you view this past year in APW as almost dreamlike. To be fair, you started the year as one half of the APW Tag Team Champions, and you managed to come in fourth place in the Survive & Conquer Match. Add your impressive victories over Sally Talfourd at both Mayhem and Test for the Best, not to mention how you won Test for the Best, and in all honesty, you'd be hard pressed to find somebody who's had a better year here in APW. Except for me! Because C.J., as good of a year as you've had so far, mine has been even better! Not only did I come into this year as the APW Overdrive Champion, but I managed to sustain an undefeated streak for the better part of four months! My first loss didn't even come until Khaos decided to stick his nose in my business with Chris Cyrus following RassleMania! But before that unfortunate blemish on my record, I beat the likes of Criss Cassidy, A.J. King, Chris Cyrus, Ryan Ruckus, and Terry Marvin to not only remain undefeated but also remain the APW Overdrive Champ! You've had one true crowning moment this year when you won the Test for the Best. I can't take that away from you, nor will I attempt to. But I've had at least two! Winning the Championship Scramble at RassleMania against all odds, beating the aforementioned A.J. King, Chris Cyrus, Ryan Ruckus, and Terry Marvin all on the same night was the first. The second, and easily greater accomplishment, was when I pinned “Level-One” Lester Only's shoulders to the mat for the one, two, three to win my very first APW Undisputed Championship! You can try and bemoan the fact that I cheated to win all you want, the fact is, I own not only a victory over the all-mighty Level-One, but I also have possession of only the richest prize in all of professional wrestling, the APW Undisputed Championship!”
“I've already explained myself to you far too many times about why I did what I did in regards to winning the belt, not that I need to explain myself to you or anyone, but the fact of the matter is that I merely did everything I had to in order to attain my goal. That's the main difference between you and myself, C.J., is that you either will not, or perhaps cannot, go to the lengths to which I am willing to go in order to get the job done! You sit on your high horse, looking down on me because I just so happen to be quite skilled in the art of cheating. Yes, it is an art! But the fact is, C.J., that when you view the world as I do, being able to bend the rules is just another tool which I can use to win my matches, much like an arm bar or a headlock. I'm not married to the idea that in order to be successful, I have to walk the straight in narrow. You not cheating doesn't somehow make you any better or worse than me, it just means that you and I have different skill sets. You've had success relying on the fickle natured fans, looking to them for support to motivate you to push harder when you're on the brink of exhaustion. You've had success utilizing a largely quick-paced aerial attack that keeps your opponents guessing. You don't feel like you need to cheat, therefore, you have not developed the skill. I don't feel like I need to cheat either, but I do recognize the usefullness of being able to draw upon that talent in the thick of a match. I'm not some lawless rule breaker who has no regard for the rules! Quite the opposite, because the fact is, in order to be able to cheat as well as I do, one must be even more familiar with the rules in order to know how to get around them!”
“In every facet of my in-ring career, I have applied the practice of disciplined study and repetition to train myself to be able to call up on any skill or asset I have at any given moment! The same principle applies in the development of my ability to cheat. Quite simply, C.J., despite how great I am, I am not above using any tool I must to make sure that in the end, my goals are met! As Machiavelli states, the ends justify the means. If that means I have to use unseemly tactics to get there, so be it!”
“But enough talk about my perceived dirty ways. Let's focus on the match itself! Had anyone said that at the beginning of the year, the headlining match for Shockwave, APW's biggest show of the Summer, would be Biggs versus C.J. Gates for the APW Undisputed Championship, they probably would have been laughed out of whatever building they were standing in! The fact is, C.J., nobody expected the two of us to be where we are at today! Nobody thought that you'd be able to get past Sally Talfourd in the first round of Test for the Best, let alone that you'd win the whole darn thing! And to an even greater degree, nobody thought that I would be able to outsmart Level-One and pull of what some are calling one of the biggest title upsets in APW history! Now I personally don't feel it was an upset, but I may be a little biased. The fact is, C.J., you and I have the opportunity to give APW something it hasn't seen in a while, and that is a fresh match in the Main Event! After two years of Lester Only dominating the picture, his reign of tyranny is over, more so thanks to me than you, C.J., but the fact remains, this is the first time in over a year and a half that Lester was not involved in a pay per view Main Event!”
“There may be those that feel that you and I can't carry a pay per view in the same way that Lester could. There may be those who feel we won't draw as good of a buy rate, that folks won't be able to take us as seriously because neither Lester Only or Sally Talfourd or as much as it pains me to say this next name, Pence Weatherlight, are involved in this match. Well I have this to say, C.J., let's prove them wrong! I may not care for your holier than thou attitude, I may think that you're getting a bit too big for your breeches as of late, but when push comes to shove, even I have to admit that you're one heck of a wrestler! And me, well, I'm quite simply the best wrestler in the world today. Put those two things together, and you all the ingredients for an amazing match! One I'm going to win, mind you, but an amazing match none the less.”
At this point, the little kid who yelled out earlier that Biggs was going to go down hops into the picture, and starts to make a fool of himself. Biggs just rolls his eyes before responding to the kid.
”Seriously, kid, don't you have anything better to do than try to draw attention to yourself? Where are your parents?”
The kid grins, showing a mouth full of missing teeth, and points to the right, ”Over there!”
Ellie pans the camera over, and there's a couple, both wearing cowboy hats and boots, cheering their little guy on. She brings the camera back to Biggs. He gets down in the kids face.
”So I take it you and your family are a bunch of C.J. Gates fans, right? Well, kid, let me tell you something, you can dance and mock all you want now, but come Sunday, when you and your folks are huddled around your tiny black and white television set, picking up a pirated signal of our pay per view, let me assure you, the lot of you will be nothing but disappointed when I beat your hero into submission, and leave this wretched state the same way I entered, APW Undisputed Champion! Now unless you want me to overstep my bounds as a stranger and give you the spanking your parents are either too soft or too ignorant to give you, than you best leave me alone!”
The kid has a wide-eyed look on his face and gulps a bit. Biggs does a fake lunge towards him, scarring him off. The kid runs off towards his folks. Biggs recomposes himself, stands back up, and continues to speak.
”Now where was I before I was so rudely interrupted? Oh yes! C.J., you and I will undoubtedly have an absolutely astonishing match against one another this Sunday. About the only thing I can think of that would hamper this notion is the condition of your back! Now C.J., I know you haven't made a big deal about it, but when I gave you the Starmaker to the concrete floor in our little brawl a week ago, I knew exactly what I was doing. I was targeting your back and midsection to give myself something to work on at the pay per view. And while I do realize that a week and a half is a significant amount of time to recover, it's not enough time to recover from that kind of assault completely! Everything I do in this business, C.J., I do for a reason. Think about it. How much of my offense targets the back or midsection? Quite a bit of it, to be honest. And if I'm able to aggravate the injury early on, exploit your weakened core, then that just makes my job easier all the way around! When I apply my Camel Clutch, it'll work your back. When I lock in the Sharp Shooter, it'll stretch your back! If I hit either the First Contact DDT or the Shockwave DDT, both of them affect, you guessed it, your back! And let's not forget about the Starmaker, and especially not the UFO Frog Splash! The fact is, C.J., I've found a very effective way to soften you up before our match this Sunday, giving myself a huge advantage. It's nothing personal, of course, it's just business. I just happen to be in the business of winning.”
Biggs gives a sly grin to the camera.
”C.J. you've talked a lot about karma, about how I'm wearing this belt on borrowed time, about how sometime, somewhere, all of my supposedly evil deeds will catch up with me and karma will bite me right in the butt. The fact is, C.J. I don't believe in karma. Never have, never will! I believe in good, hard work. Not necessarily honest work, mind you, but hard work nonetheless! I believe in training myself and honing myself to be the absolute greatest wrestler in the world today. I believe that I will continue to win simply because I put forth the time and effort necessary to do just that! C.J., you can try and harp karma all you want, heck you may even rely on it as a crutch to convince yourself that you have a chance at beating me for my title, but the fact of the matter is that there is quite simply no such thing! Sure, I've done my fair share of underhanded things, but if you think some mystical force is going to back you up, give you that extra oomph you need to overcome me, well, then you're putting your faith in the absolute wrong place! Your faith should be in yourself. The fact that you even had to bring up the notion of karma tells me that you're grasping for straws trying to figure out how the heck you're going to be able to defeat me. And that only helps to build my confidence heading into our match! By pulling the karma card, you haven't instilled some sense of worry or dread that you hoped you would have, but instead, you have only strengthened my resolve, given me more reason to prove you wrong!”
“You know what the funny thing about dreams is, C.J. Gates, is that you always seem to wake up right before it gets to the best part! My goal at St. Paul this Sunday is not to make your life a living nightmare, C.J., far from it. My goal is simply this, C.J., to wake you from the dream you've been enjoying so very much. I will wake you from the notion that you are somehow better than me, be it as a person or in the ring. I will wake you from the idea that you're the best wrestler in APW today! I will wake you from your dream of holding my APW Undisputed Championship! I don't deal in dreams, C.J., I deal in reality, and the reality is that I am the champion, and you are not. And this will continue to be the reality we live in following our match this Sunday! Why? Because I'm quite simply OUT OF THIS WORLD!”
Biggs flashes his trademark smirk as Ellie can be heard cheering from behind the camera. A few feet away from Biggs, a waitress calls out, ”Gary, party of two, your safari is ready!”
”Well, folks, I got to get going. But until next time, keep watching the stars!”
Ellie flicks off the camera as the screen fades to black and the APW logo and copyright flash across the bottom of the screen.
”Oh my gosh! Just look at the size of this place! There's so many stores!” Ellie exclaims with her jaw dropped practically to the floor as we enter the Mall of America in Bloomington, Minnesota.
”502 to be exact, including eateries. At least that's what it said on Wikipedia. Now before you get too excited, remember, I'm just here to do an appearance at the Nickelodeon Universe that will take about two hours,” I say, trying to calm my wife down. I can see the excitement in her eyes, as she's never been to a shopping center like this. Then again, neither have I. ”Well, I'm an hour-and-a-half early. There can't be any harm in looking around a bit.”
”What's our budget?”
”You know the answer to that, honey! So long as we're getting a good value for our money, it doesn't matter!”
Ellie lets out an almost squeal of delight, and we start to wander around. This is one of the many reasons I'm glad I've been disciplined with my finances ever since I started wrestling professionally. Getting to spoil Ellie like this is exactly the kind of thing I love to do. While there's a ton of people here, it doesn't feel crowded, largely thanks to the immense size of the place. Most of the shops are your standard mall fare, lots of women's clothing and the like, but as we're walking along, I notice a Barnes & Noble, perhaps the biggest one I've ever seen.
”Hey, Ellie, do you mind if we duck into Barnes & Noble for a bit?”
Ellie playfully rolls her eyes at me as she responds with a giggle, ”Yeah, and make you miss your scheduled appearance? I know the moment you go into there, you can get lost for hours in all those books!”
”You're probably right...”
”No, I am right!” Ellie says with a faux seriousness that makes me laugh.
”Okay, so after the event then,” I bargain, even though I know Ellie's not nearly as enthusiastic about books as I am.
”Sure. But I'm going to set a time limit, otherwise we'll never get you out of there! At least not until closing,” she jokes.
We spend much of the next hour browsing in the Macy's that anchors one of the corners of the mall. One hour and several shopping bags later, I look at my watch, and notice the time.
”We've got to quickly run these out to the car, otherwise I'll be late for my appearance!”
As I'm saying this, a security guard in the area pipes up. ”If you're strapped for time, there are locker rentals at the Customer Service Desk right over there,” he says as he points us towards our left.
”Thank you!” Ellie says politely and we make our way to the desk. It takes two lockers to hold all the stuff we've bought, most of it for Ellie, save for a slick blue polo shirt I found.
”Man alive, we'd better slow down before you buy the rest of the store!” I joke as I shove the bags in the lockers.
I can tell immediately that this wisecrack has upset Ellie, as she furrows her brows and purses her lips. ”That's not fair for you to say that! You said so long as we got a good value for our money, the budget wasn't an issue!”
I quickly close the lockers and wrap my arm around Ellie, trying my darnedest to get myself out of the hole I've suddenly dug myself into.
”Listen, it was just a stupid joke. I meant nothing by it. I want you to have a good time while we're here. I didn't just fly out here to Minnesota four days early just to make some stupid appearance for the company. I knew you'd enjoy coming out here, so that's why we did it. You know that I didn't mean to hurt your feelings...”
Ellie's face instantly gets better, and she gives me a peck on the cheek as she chirps, ”You're forgiven!”
I chuckle as I respond, ”Good thing! I wouldn't want that guilt hanging over me while I'm interacting with fans at this event! Anywho, let's get going over!”
As we approach the theme park inside the mall, I can't help but feel like perhaps the Nickelodeon Universe wasn't the best choice of venue for appearance. I eye a Best Buy out of the corner of my eye, and think that may have been a more proper audience for what I'm going to be doing today, but I wasn't the one who booked it, it was the APW higher ups. Oh well, I guess it's one of the responsibilities of being the champ. When we reach the gates, one of the workers stops us. He's a younger man, who looks incredibly dissatisfied and disinterested in his work.
”You need to get a ticket at the booth before you can come in,” he says rudely.
I take a look at his name tag, which reads Eugene, and reply, ”Actually, I don't. I'm here for a scheduled appearance at 3:00 pm. I'm the APW Undisputed Champion, Biggs. I was told all I needed to do was come to this gate, and I'd get in.”
Eugene gives me a flippant look before speaking, again rudely, ”I'll have to check with my manager. Stay right here.”
As he waddles off, Ellie has an annoyed look on her face. ”He's not too pleasant at all, is he!? As least he could show an inkling of pride in his work!”
”He must not be a wrestling fan. Don't worry about it. Everything will be worked out when his manager sees who I am.”
We stand there for the better part of ten minutes, which soon becomes twenty. Finally, Eugene returns with an older, heavyset man, who's wearing an orange vest, and has a clipboard in his hand. He introduces himself as Phil, the director of park events.
”Yep, it sure is you alright. We have a stage set up near the Sponge Bob ride, and a table nearby for the autograph session. Come follow me...”
Ellie and I follow Phil through the crowd, which is mostly made of young children. As we make it to the stage, I notice somebody familiar just getting off of the Sponge Bob ride.
”Reginald Schmidt! What the heck are you here?! Are you part of the promotional event as well?”
Reggie's face is red, and he looks very nervous. He's checking his groin region, probably making sure that he didn't wet himself, knowing him. Once he passes the piss check, his demeanor lights up immediately.
”Why yes I am! I just thought I'd hit up some of the rides before it, though! I'll tell you what, this is one awesome theme park, if I do say so myself. What do you think about it?” Reginald asks.
”It skews a little young for my tastes...” I answer.
Reginald interrupts me immediately, blurting out, ”This probably isn't the place to be telling pedophilia jokes, Biggs! Watch your mouth, man!”
Ellie glares at Reginald, crossing her arms over her chest. I respond tersely, ”That wasn't where I was going with that Reginald. Now you'd best mind your manners, unless you want my wife here to file a complaint against you with the APW higher ups.”
Reginald gets down to his knees and starts to beg, ”Please don't tell Jeff! I'm already on thin enough ice as it is! He thinks I don't have control of Asylum at all! If he thinks I'm sexually harassing the talent, well then my goose is cooked!”
”Maybe it should be!” Ellie snaps at him, still with her arms crossed, still glaring.
Phil is just standing there awkwardly, not sure what to do with the situation. He breaks the tension as best he can. ”Well, the stage is right over here. We only had two stools set up, because we didn't know your wife was coming, but we're going to start the Q & A session in about 10 minutes. Also, Mr. Schmidt, please get up off the ground. You're embarrassing yourself.”
Reginald sheepishly makes his way back up, red in the face. ”Could you please direct me to the restroom. I feel like I need to freshen up before the event.”
”It's over there. Make it quick,” Phil says, pointing towards the facilities that aren't even 20 feet away. The disdain in his voice is apparent. Reginald shuffles off, and Phil and I just look towards one another and shrug our shoulders. ”You have to put up with this guy every week?”
”Actually, no. Thankfully. I'm on Overdrive, and he's on Asylum.”
”I don't know what those are. I don't watch wrestling.” Phil says without emotion.
”So about how many people are we expecting for this? I'll be honest, I'm not sure if this is exactly the most receptive audience for Action Packed Wrestling...”
”Well, we have chairs set up for about a hundred people, and we've just began seating. Now if you'll please, I got to go get that idiot Reginald, and make sure he's ready.”
Phil promptly leaves our company, heading towards the same restroom Reginald went into. Ellie and I just look at each other, lost as to where we're supposed to go, or what we're supposed to do.
”Y'know, this whole thing seems like a fiasco. The fact that they're just now seating folks with less than five minutes before the event is supposed to start actually worries me. And Reginald. Seriously, that's the best APW could do to send out from Asylum? That's just embarrassing,” I complain to Ellie.
She agrees with me in a similarly upset tone, ”Well, maybe he's really the only guy from Asylum that's appropriate for four year olds...”
”Oh geez, hun, what does that say about me!?”
”Well, maybe it's because you don't swear...”
”Y'know, this whole situation is just brilliant. All I was told was to be hear by 2:45 pm for the 3 o'clock event, and now I'm just getting a nagging suspicion that this is a large waste of my time...”
As I say this, Phil and Reginald are seen coming back, and Reginald is a nervous wreck. ”I found him on the bathroom floor, crying,” Phil states matter-of-factually, and Ellie and I can't help but burst out in laughter at not only what happened with Reggie, but also the deadpan way in which Phil reported it. This hurts Reginald's feelings some more, and the old buffoon starts to cry even more! At this point, Phil just rolls his eyes, winds up, and gives Reginald a slap across the face! ”Pull yourself together, man! Based on what I've heard so far, your job is riding on you being able to make it through this event, so if you don't want me or your co-worker here have to give a bad report to your superiors, you'd better get yourself to a place where you can do this! Do you understand!”
Reginald sniffles like a child for a bit, before nodding his head dejectedly. ”Okay, let's get you two to the backstage area,” Phil says as he begins to lead us to where we need to be.
”I'll go find a seat!” Ellie says as she heads off.
We head to the backstage area, and can hear the yammering of the crowd just beyond the black curtain. Just to make small talk with Reggie, I quip, ”Man alive, who's idea was it to do this here?”
Reginald looks me right in the eyes, and says with pure conviction, ”It was my idea. We were going to have this appearance at the Best Buy, but I made an executive decision and had it changed to here a week ago! This place is freakin' awesome, and I wanted a chance to come here again without my wife. Last time we came, she wouldn't let me ride any of the rides!”
Phil can be heard snickering to our right, while Reginald gets an indigent look on his face. ”Is that funny to you, mister!? I'll have you know that I'm a very well respected individual in the Action Packed Wrestling organization!”
”Keep telling yourself that, Reggie...” I say as I roll my eyes. Now I'm pissed. Knowing the fact that this event was supposed to originally take place at the Best Buy, which is more in line with our target demographic, well, now doing this in the middle of the kiddie zone is just inexcusable. ”Wait a second, Reginald. Wasn't C.J. Gates supposed to be here as well? Y'know, so that it wouldn't just be a couple of guys the fans don't like going out there?”
”Oh crap! I forgot to tell him that it was here instead of the Best Buy! He's probably standing over there wondering what the heck is going on!” I can't help but face palm at this news, shaking my head in disbelief. It makes perfect sense now as to why they only seated the crowd five minutes before the event, because quite frankly, Reggie and I aren't going to draw in the fans for this kind of an appearance. I need somebody to play my heel schtick off of, and quite frankly, Reginald's not going to cut it. Also, these things tend to work better with a fan favorite involved. Sure, I may be APW Undisputed Champion, but I'm also one of the most hated men in the organization. People come because they want to see me get my butt kicked. My very bad feeling about this whole fiasco has become a terrible one.
”Okay, you guys just head out there as soon as you hear your names being called out,” Phil directs us. From the other side of the curtain, I can hear some guy hyping up the Shockwave pay per view, trying to sell it to the youngins.
Before long we hear him call out, ”Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the General Manager of APW Asylum, Reginald Schmidt and the APW Undisputed Champion, Biggs!”
Reginald looks like he's frozen up, not budging an inch. ”That's our cue to go, Reggie! Come on!” I grab a hold of his arm and drag him out through the curtain, and the two of us are greeted with faint boos, not because the crowd actually has some respect for us, but rather because there's hardly anybody there. I can count the number of people in the crowd on two hands, and that's including Ellie. She's switching between cheering wildly for me, and booing loudly for Reginald. She's really the only person showing any sort of emotion. Only Ellie and one other person are over the age of 12, and the kids look restless and bored.
I try to salvage this mess by getting on the mic, and playing it up to the young kids. ”Now I'm not sure how many of you have parents who actually let you watch Action Packed Wrestling, but for those of you who are allowed, you'll all know that I'm the APW Undisputed Champion, Biggs! And do you little snot-nosed brats know why I'm the champ? It's because I eat my vegetables! It's because I clean my room! It's because I did all my homework and became very smart, instead of being stupid, lazy bums like you!”
This gets exactly the reaction I was hoping for, as the little tykes start to boo me with all their might! One of the parents grabs her child's arm, and drags him away, not wanting him to be exposed to this.
”You see, you don't get to be great without hard work, and if there's anything you kids today seem to dread and fear, it's actual, true work! You're all content to just sit on the sofa, watching television while snacking on chips and soda, making yourselves fat! But you don't have to be that way! No, you all can be just like me!”
”We don't wanna be like you!” a little girl in pigtails yells from the seating area. She speaks with a slight lisp that I must admit would make me smile if I wasn't in full jerk mode.
”That's too bad! Because if you're not like me, than you'll end up like him!” I point to Reginald as I say this. He's still scared stiff, and there's now a sizable area of wetness in the groin region of his pants. He's made the mistake of wearing khakis, and all the kids laugh at his misfortune!
”Do you kids want to be little scaredy cats who pee their pants!?”
”NO!” they all yell out in unison.
”Do you kids want to wake up when your old and grey and wonder what the heck it is you did with your life!?”
The kids stop to think about what I said for a moment, probably not getting the general concept, before yelling out ”NO!” again.
”Do you kids want to see me get rid of this old, scared, pants peeing man right here, right now!?”
They respond with an overwhelming, ”YES!”
Suddenly, Reginald snaps into it, realizing what's about to happen to him. He starts begging and pleading with me to go easy on him. The kids are raising a ruckus, cheering me on as they boo Reginald. I notice a ball pit about five feet from the stage, and know exactly what I'm going to do. I grab a hold of Reginald by the head, pull him up to his feet, while grabbing a hold of his belt with my other hand, and give him a few clubbing blows to the back before tossing him as hard as I can, sending him falling into the ball pit! The kids are eating it up as I raise my hands triumphantly, acting like I'm the greatest hero the world has ever seen. The reaction from the 8 kids would seem to imply that this very small sample size would agree, and again I take the mic. ”If you want to see me beat up more scaredy cat men who pee their pants, ask your mommies and daddies to order APW Shockwave on Pay Per View this Sunday! Until then, get down with Sponge Bob!”
The kids cheer wildly for the Sponge Bob reference, and even though I can't stand that show, what can I say, it was effective. It also helped that a person in a Sponge Bob costume came sauntering over, and started dancing as they played some little kids' music over the speakers. With the little ones' attention turned away from me, I make my way backstage, shaking my head at how poorly the whole thing went off. As I get to the back, Phil has an astonished look on his face. ”Y'know, for something that was planned so piss poorly, you didn't do half bad! How'd you know that Sponge Bob would come walking by?”
”First off, before coming here, I made it a point to research what times your characters were roaming in the park, so if I needed a way out, I could take it. Secondly, I saw him coming this way. It's called being prepared and using your brain. You folks should try it sometime,” I respond flippantly as I walk off.
***
“Spacewalker,” by Depeche Mode, plays as the words FIRST CONTACT flash across the starry background in big, blue letters. The video switches to Biggs standing in front of the Rain Forest Cafe in the Mall of America. He has a perturbed look on his face as he begins to speak.
”Ladies and gentlemen, one and all, I welcome you to the absolute greatest professional wrestling web show on the entire Internet, I am talking, of course, about Biggs' First Contact! I am your host, the APW Undisputed Champion, Biggs! And recording this fine program is my lovely wife, Ellie!”
Ellie whips the camera around to quickly show herself, and giggles as she say, ”Hi internet!” She then flips it around to focus back on the APW Undisputed Champ.
”We are filming live from outside the Rain Forest Cafe in the Mall of America, where I just endured quite possibly the most awkward and uncomfortable public appearance outside of showing up to Pence Weatherlight's birthday party! For the record, I do not recommend going to the Nickelodeon Universe in this Mall, nor do I recommend going there with one Reginald Schmidt. But quite frankly I'm not here to talk about that idiot, I'm here to talk about my upcoming match with C.J. Gates!”
Some folks behind Biggs cheer at the mention of Gates. A little kid yells, ”You're going down, Biggs!” Biggs just ignores them and continues to speak.
”C.J., I've heard you talk an awful lot about your title hopes, and how you view this past year in APW as almost dreamlike. To be fair, you started the year as one half of the APW Tag Team Champions, and you managed to come in fourth place in the Survive & Conquer Match. Add your impressive victories over Sally Talfourd at both Mayhem and Test for the Best, not to mention how you won Test for the Best, and in all honesty, you'd be hard pressed to find somebody who's had a better year here in APW. Except for me! Because C.J., as good of a year as you've had so far, mine has been even better! Not only did I come into this year as the APW Overdrive Champion, but I managed to sustain an undefeated streak for the better part of four months! My first loss didn't even come until Khaos decided to stick his nose in my business with Chris Cyrus following RassleMania! But before that unfortunate blemish on my record, I beat the likes of Criss Cassidy, A.J. King, Chris Cyrus, Ryan Ruckus, and Terry Marvin to not only remain undefeated but also remain the APW Overdrive Champ! You've had one true crowning moment this year when you won the Test for the Best. I can't take that away from you, nor will I attempt to. But I've had at least two! Winning the Championship Scramble at RassleMania against all odds, beating the aforementioned A.J. King, Chris Cyrus, Ryan Ruckus, and Terry Marvin all on the same night was the first. The second, and easily greater accomplishment, was when I pinned “Level-One” Lester Only's shoulders to the mat for the one, two, three to win my very first APW Undisputed Championship! You can try and bemoan the fact that I cheated to win all you want, the fact is, I own not only a victory over the all-mighty Level-One, but I also have possession of only the richest prize in all of professional wrestling, the APW Undisputed Championship!”
“I've already explained myself to you far too many times about why I did what I did in regards to winning the belt, not that I need to explain myself to you or anyone, but the fact of the matter is that I merely did everything I had to in order to attain my goal. That's the main difference between you and myself, C.J., is that you either will not, or perhaps cannot, go to the lengths to which I am willing to go in order to get the job done! You sit on your high horse, looking down on me because I just so happen to be quite skilled in the art of cheating. Yes, it is an art! But the fact is, C.J., that when you view the world as I do, being able to bend the rules is just another tool which I can use to win my matches, much like an arm bar or a headlock. I'm not married to the idea that in order to be successful, I have to walk the straight in narrow. You not cheating doesn't somehow make you any better or worse than me, it just means that you and I have different skill sets. You've had success relying on the fickle natured fans, looking to them for support to motivate you to push harder when you're on the brink of exhaustion. You've had success utilizing a largely quick-paced aerial attack that keeps your opponents guessing. You don't feel like you need to cheat, therefore, you have not developed the skill. I don't feel like I need to cheat either, but I do recognize the usefullness of being able to draw upon that talent in the thick of a match. I'm not some lawless rule breaker who has no regard for the rules! Quite the opposite, because the fact is, in order to be able to cheat as well as I do, one must be even more familiar with the rules in order to know how to get around them!”
“In every facet of my in-ring career, I have applied the practice of disciplined study and repetition to train myself to be able to call up on any skill or asset I have at any given moment! The same principle applies in the development of my ability to cheat. Quite simply, C.J., despite how great I am, I am not above using any tool I must to make sure that in the end, my goals are met! As Machiavelli states, the ends justify the means. If that means I have to use unseemly tactics to get there, so be it!”
“But enough talk about my perceived dirty ways. Let's focus on the match itself! Had anyone said that at the beginning of the year, the headlining match for Shockwave, APW's biggest show of the Summer, would be Biggs versus C.J. Gates for the APW Undisputed Championship, they probably would have been laughed out of whatever building they were standing in! The fact is, C.J., nobody expected the two of us to be where we are at today! Nobody thought that you'd be able to get past Sally Talfourd in the first round of Test for the Best, let alone that you'd win the whole darn thing! And to an even greater degree, nobody thought that I would be able to outsmart Level-One and pull of what some are calling one of the biggest title upsets in APW history! Now I personally don't feel it was an upset, but I may be a little biased. The fact is, C.J., you and I have the opportunity to give APW something it hasn't seen in a while, and that is a fresh match in the Main Event! After two years of Lester Only dominating the picture, his reign of tyranny is over, more so thanks to me than you, C.J., but the fact remains, this is the first time in over a year and a half that Lester was not involved in a pay per view Main Event!”
“There may be those that feel that you and I can't carry a pay per view in the same way that Lester could. There may be those who feel we won't draw as good of a buy rate, that folks won't be able to take us as seriously because neither Lester Only or Sally Talfourd or as much as it pains me to say this next name, Pence Weatherlight, are involved in this match. Well I have this to say, C.J., let's prove them wrong! I may not care for your holier than thou attitude, I may think that you're getting a bit too big for your breeches as of late, but when push comes to shove, even I have to admit that you're one heck of a wrestler! And me, well, I'm quite simply the best wrestler in the world today. Put those two things together, and you all the ingredients for an amazing match! One I'm going to win, mind you, but an amazing match none the less.”
At this point, the little kid who yelled out earlier that Biggs was going to go down hops into the picture, and starts to make a fool of himself. Biggs just rolls his eyes before responding to the kid.
”Seriously, kid, don't you have anything better to do than try to draw attention to yourself? Where are your parents?”
The kid grins, showing a mouth full of missing teeth, and points to the right, ”Over there!”
Ellie pans the camera over, and there's a couple, both wearing cowboy hats and boots, cheering their little guy on. She brings the camera back to Biggs. He gets down in the kids face.
”So I take it you and your family are a bunch of C.J. Gates fans, right? Well, kid, let me tell you something, you can dance and mock all you want now, but come Sunday, when you and your folks are huddled around your tiny black and white television set, picking up a pirated signal of our pay per view, let me assure you, the lot of you will be nothing but disappointed when I beat your hero into submission, and leave this wretched state the same way I entered, APW Undisputed Champion! Now unless you want me to overstep my bounds as a stranger and give you the spanking your parents are either too soft or too ignorant to give you, than you best leave me alone!”
The kid has a wide-eyed look on his face and gulps a bit. Biggs does a fake lunge towards him, scarring him off. The kid runs off towards his folks. Biggs recomposes himself, stands back up, and continues to speak.
”Now where was I before I was so rudely interrupted? Oh yes! C.J., you and I will undoubtedly have an absolutely astonishing match against one another this Sunday. About the only thing I can think of that would hamper this notion is the condition of your back! Now C.J., I know you haven't made a big deal about it, but when I gave you the Starmaker to the concrete floor in our little brawl a week ago, I knew exactly what I was doing. I was targeting your back and midsection to give myself something to work on at the pay per view. And while I do realize that a week and a half is a significant amount of time to recover, it's not enough time to recover from that kind of assault completely! Everything I do in this business, C.J., I do for a reason. Think about it. How much of my offense targets the back or midsection? Quite a bit of it, to be honest. And if I'm able to aggravate the injury early on, exploit your weakened core, then that just makes my job easier all the way around! When I apply my Camel Clutch, it'll work your back. When I lock in the Sharp Shooter, it'll stretch your back! If I hit either the First Contact DDT or the Shockwave DDT, both of them affect, you guessed it, your back! And let's not forget about the Starmaker, and especially not the UFO Frog Splash! The fact is, C.J., I've found a very effective way to soften you up before our match this Sunday, giving myself a huge advantage. It's nothing personal, of course, it's just business. I just happen to be in the business of winning.”
Biggs gives a sly grin to the camera.
”C.J. you've talked a lot about karma, about how I'm wearing this belt on borrowed time, about how sometime, somewhere, all of my supposedly evil deeds will catch up with me and karma will bite me right in the butt. The fact is, C.J. I don't believe in karma. Never have, never will! I believe in good, hard work. Not necessarily honest work, mind you, but hard work nonetheless! I believe in training myself and honing myself to be the absolute greatest wrestler in the world today. I believe that I will continue to win simply because I put forth the time and effort necessary to do just that! C.J., you can try and harp karma all you want, heck you may even rely on it as a crutch to convince yourself that you have a chance at beating me for my title, but the fact of the matter is that there is quite simply no such thing! Sure, I've done my fair share of underhanded things, but if you think some mystical force is going to back you up, give you that extra oomph you need to overcome me, well, then you're putting your faith in the absolute wrong place! Your faith should be in yourself. The fact that you even had to bring up the notion of karma tells me that you're grasping for straws trying to figure out how the heck you're going to be able to defeat me. And that only helps to build my confidence heading into our match! By pulling the karma card, you haven't instilled some sense of worry or dread that you hoped you would have, but instead, you have only strengthened my resolve, given me more reason to prove you wrong!”
“You know what the funny thing about dreams is, C.J. Gates, is that you always seem to wake up right before it gets to the best part! My goal at St. Paul this Sunday is not to make your life a living nightmare, C.J., far from it. My goal is simply this, C.J., to wake you from the dream you've been enjoying so very much. I will wake you from the notion that you are somehow better than me, be it as a person or in the ring. I will wake you from the idea that you're the best wrestler in APW today! I will wake you from your dream of holding my APW Undisputed Championship! I don't deal in dreams, C.J., I deal in reality, and the reality is that I am the champion, and you are not. And this will continue to be the reality we live in following our match this Sunday! Why? Because I'm quite simply OUT OF THIS WORLD!”
Biggs flashes his trademark smirk as Ellie can be heard cheering from behind the camera. A few feet away from Biggs, a waitress calls out, ”Gary, party of two, your safari is ready!”
”Well, folks, I got to get going. But until next time, keep watching the stars!”
Ellie flicks off the camera as the screen fades to black and the APW logo and copyright flash across the bottom of the screen.
