Post by Phil Atken on Oct 20, 2011 10:20:52 GMT -4
We find Phil Atken, a man we know nothing about apart from the fact he is a person who exists, sitting back in a lounger in his rather small accommodation in Tokyo, Japan. For some reason the room has a faint smell of onions. Phil's back is to the camera but he quickly swings around to face it. In his hand he holds a few sheets of A4 paper that he's put into the form of a cone. He's that kind of man.
Atken: Fancy seeing you here! In Tokyo! Where the show is! And where I asked for this time... and you agreed... and we set up the meeting... and you were very punctual. Truly is one of life's funny coincidences. Welcome to my humble abode, I am a man of meagre needs and I feel that this accommodation more than suits them. Also there was a free breakfast buffet. Gotta love that crispy bacon. GOT. TO. LOVE. IT. Anyway, I would like to begin, if you'll allow, and you will, by making a statement.
Phil unfurls his cone of A4 and begins to shuffle the papers around, studying them in the great of detail for all of five seconds before looking back up and smiling meekly.
Atken: You know, today I stand here a very grateful man. In this day and age not many people would take a chance on a man like me. I'm a little bit tubby, I've got ring rust by the bucket loads and a carry with me a weight on my shoulder like no other. The weight of failed potential. So I have to stand here and applaud APW, I have to applaud them for taking a chance on this humble man. They truly have given me that chance to finally meet that potential, to fling the monkey off my shoulder forever. It's an opportunity I cherish and certainly one I will not waste. For didn't we all, when we were growing up say to our parents “When I'm your age I want to dress up as Batman and throw a man out of a squared circle. Maybe I might ever get a title shot out of it”. We certainly all did but only APW lets us live that dream.
Phil wipes a tear from his eye, flick it aside and tosses his papers into a nearby wicker basket refuse receptacle.
Atken: Sorry, this is all very emotional for me. It's a very personal moment. I remember my father said as I sat next to his deathbed “Batman's a terrible idea, rethink your costume” and you know what, I remember those words to this day. They are words to die by... and he did.
Atken “fights back” more tears, clearing his throat as he does so. For some reason an onion begins to roll out of camera shot.
Atken: But enough of the memories, after all this is a celebration not a memorial. Let's get down to business shall we? I'm one of the new guys here, which really put the onus on me to do some scouting for this battle royal, and I was going to, really I was, but someone gave me a tape of Charlie Boy Scripps interviews for this match and I had a sudden urge to take a nap. Now, I'm not one to point fingers, all I'm saying was that the two events coincided. Before I took the last train to sleepy-ville however one thing stood out to me, Charlie, if you will allow me to call you Charlie, and you will because I did, you've made a fatal error. A school boy error some may say.
You've painted a target all over your pale, translucent body.
Scrapper Scripps as I hear they like to call you around certain “scenes”, you may be out to prove yourself to be the best but you've got to use your brain dear boy. You can't stand in front of the camera and insult every single person you're going to see in that ring and not realise you're going to be public enemy numero uno. You might as well have had a note pad, ticking off everyone as you went by.
Old, tick!
Fat, tick!
Bad at wrestling EL OH EL, tick fo sho! Or whatever it is the kids say.
You need to play the odds Charles and unless you have some kind of mechanical strong arm that can flip the ring on Saturday with the flick of your robo-wrist, you've just made yourself the first port of call for ten other people. I know I wouldn't want to be in that position, it's not one I envy. I'd rather be the man standing in the corner watching you sail over the top ropes. After all, in a battle royal it doesn't matter a jot your expertise in hammerlocks, all that matters is that you don't slip on that banana peel and hit the mats outside.
Hell Scripsy you're not alone in that mistake, our Jamaican friend, Barbados Slim...
Phil is stopped in his tracks by muttering from behind the camera. However, he lets the tape keep rolling because that's the kind of man Phil Atken is.
...
Really?
…
JaMarcus?
…
Well if you say so.
Mr. Haze made the same mistake. You two gents need to realise you don't win by eliminating EVERYONE in that ring, you win by being the last man standing. We're play a survival game lads and both of you need to realise that. Now I feel happy giving that advice to the both of you because you are both brash and arrogant enough not to heed it. I know the heads are firmly in the sand. Ostrich mode has been activated.
How do I know that? Well because I was like you once. Hell, I was like you a year ago. It took me ten years to gain the benefit of hindsight, now you both may get a little faster than I did. You may finally realise that you don't want to be the target, you want the have the gun but I don't think that's gonna happen before Sunday. Forewarning lads, I have been known to have an itchy trigger finger.
Phil makes pistols with his fingers and then begins to shoot the finger pistols. A little bit of him died on the inside but he hides it well.
Atken: I know that some of the best APW has to offer will be in that Battle Royal on Sunday night, I know that I should know who they are. I know that I should address them and acknowledge their individual skills but as I said, there was the napping incident and also you can legit spend hours in toilets in Japan. So instead of talking about y'all as the Americans say, why don't I tell you a little about me.
I'm something of a journeyman in this industry, many people have pointed to me in the past and said “that Atken, he'll go places” and in a way they are right. I went to rehab, I went to the unemployment line and worst of all I went to my mother's house. I don't want to go back there. I'm pretty sure the wall is painted with urine at this point. What I'm saying is despite what many pundits thought about me, I let my demons get the best of me. I let opportunities go to waste. I failed to live up to my potential. I could have a boat made of gold right now, A GOLD BOAT but I don't.
So it's easy to point to me and say “that Phil Atken, he's a failure, he's never achieved anything in his career” but I actually wear it as a badge of pride. A few months ago I even took a liking to nicknaming myself “The Unfortunate” Phil Atken. But make no mistake about it, who I am is not who I was, assume otherwise at your peril. I've had my struggles and I've came out the other side of the tunnel smiling.
On Sunday, my battle royal colleagues, you're going to meet a missionary with a mission. You're going to meet the man who now seeks to spread the Atken gospel. It doesn't matter to me whether I toss ten of you out of the ring or if I toss none of you out. All that matters is that in Tokyo, I begin to establish a legacy. I may walk in as the unfortunate soul but I'm walking out with a title shot.
Phil gets up out of recliner and walks towards to cameraman, as we fade to black we hear the start of their conversation.
Atken: Have you tried these Japanese toilets? They're wonderful, you don't get a clean like that back home...
Atken: Fancy seeing you here! In Tokyo! Where the show is! And where I asked for this time... and you agreed... and we set up the meeting... and you were very punctual. Truly is one of life's funny coincidences. Welcome to my humble abode, I am a man of meagre needs and I feel that this accommodation more than suits them. Also there was a free breakfast buffet. Gotta love that crispy bacon. GOT. TO. LOVE. IT. Anyway, I would like to begin, if you'll allow, and you will, by making a statement.
Phil unfurls his cone of A4 and begins to shuffle the papers around, studying them in the great of detail for all of five seconds before looking back up and smiling meekly.
Atken: You know, today I stand here a very grateful man. In this day and age not many people would take a chance on a man like me. I'm a little bit tubby, I've got ring rust by the bucket loads and a carry with me a weight on my shoulder like no other. The weight of failed potential. So I have to stand here and applaud APW, I have to applaud them for taking a chance on this humble man. They truly have given me that chance to finally meet that potential, to fling the monkey off my shoulder forever. It's an opportunity I cherish and certainly one I will not waste. For didn't we all, when we were growing up say to our parents “When I'm your age I want to dress up as Batman and throw a man out of a squared circle. Maybe I might ever get a title shot out of it”. We certainly all did but only APW lets us live that dream.
Phil wipes a tear from his eye, flick it aside and tosses his papers into a nearby wicker basket refuse receptacle.
Atken: Sorry, this is all very emotional for me. It's a very personal moment. I remember my father said as I sat next to his deathbed “Batman's a terrible idea, rethink your costume” and you know what, I remember those words to this day. They are words to die by... and he did.
Atken “fights back” more tears, clearing his throat as he does so. For some reason an onion begins to roll out of camera shot.
Atken: But enough of the memories, after all this is a celebration not a memorial. Let's get down to business shall we? I'm one of the new guys here, which really put the onus on me to do some scouting for this battle royal, and I was going to, really I was, but someone gave me a tape of Charlie Boy Scripps interviews for this match and I had a sudden urge to take a nap. Now, I'm not one to point fingers, all I'm saying was that the two events coincided. Before I took the last train to sleepy-ville however one thing stood out to me, Charlie, if you will allow me to call you Charlie, and you will because I did, you've made a fatal error. A school boy error some may say.
You've painted a target all over your pale, translucent body.
Scrapper Scripps as I hear they like to call you around certain “scenes”, you may be out to prove yourself to be the best but you've got to use your brain dear boy. You can't stand in front of the camera and insult every single person you're going to see in that ring and not realise you're going to be public enemy numero uno. You might as well have had a note pad, ticking off everyone as you went by.
Old, tick!
Fat, tick!
Bad at wrestling EL OH EL, tick fo sho! Or whatever it is the kids say.
You need to play the odds Charles and unless you have some kind of mechanical strong arm that can flip the ring on Saturday with the flick of your robo-wrist, you've just made yourself the first port of call for ten other people. I know I wouldn't want to be in that position, it's not one I envy. I'd rather be the man standing in the corner watching you sail over the top ropes. After all, in a battle royal it doesn't matter a jot your expertise in hammerlocks, all that matters is that you don't slip on that banana peel and hit the mats outside.
Hell Scripsy you're not alone in that mistake, our Jamaican friend, Barbados Slim...
Phil is stopped in his tracks by muttering from behind the camera. However, he lets the tape keep rolling because that's the kind of man Phil Atken is.
...
Really?
…
JaMarcus?
…
Well if you say so.
Mr. Haze made the same mistake. You two gents need to realise you don't win by eliminating EVERYONE in that ring, you win by being the last man standing. We're play a survival game lads and both of you need to realise that. Now I feel happy giving that advice to the both of you because you are both brash and arrogant enough not to heed it. I know the heads are firmly in the sand. Ostrich mode has been activated.
How do I know that? Well because I was like you once. Hell, I was like you a year ago. It took me ten years to gain the benefit of hindsight, now you both may get a little faster than I did. You may finally realise that you don't want to be the target, you want the have the gun but I don't think that's gonna happen before Sunday. Forewarning lads, I have been known to have an itchy trigger finger.
Phil makes pistols with his fingers and then begins to shoot the finger pistols. A little bit of him died on the inside but he hides it well.
Atken: I know that some of the best APW has to offer will be in that Battle Royal on Sunday night, I know that I should know who they are. I know that I should address them and acknowledge their individual skills but as I said, there was the napping incident and also you can legit spend hours in toilets in Japan. So instead of talking about y'all as the Americans say, why don't I tell you a little about me.
I'm something of a journeyman in this industry, many people have pointed to me in the past and said “that Atken, he'll go places” and in a way they are right. I went to rehab, I went to the unemployment line and worst of all I went to my mother's house. I don't want to go back there. I'm pretty sure the wall is painted with urine at this point. What I'm saying is despite what many pundits thought about me, I let my demons get the best of me. I let opportunities go to waste. I failed to live up to my potential. I could have a boat made of gold right now, A GOLD BOAT but I don't.
So it's easy to point to me and say “that Phil Atken, he's a failure, he's never achieved anything in his career” but I actually wear it as a badge of pride. A few months ago I even took a liking to nicknaming myself “The Unfortunate” Phil Atken. But make no mistake about it, who I am is not who I was, assume otherwise at your peril. I've had my struggles and I've came out the other side of the tunnel smiling.
On Sunday, my battle royal colleagues, you're going to meet a missionary with a mission. You're going to meet the man who now seeks to spread the Atken gospel. It doesn't matter to me whether I toss ten of you out of the ring or if I toss none of you out. All that matters is that in Tokyo, I begin to establish a legacy. I may walk in as the unfortunate soul but I'm walking out with a title shot.
Phil gets up out of recliner and walks towards to cameraman, as we fade to black we hear the start of their conversation.
Atken: Have you tried these Japanese toilets? They're wonderful, you don't get a clean like that back home...
