Post by Kid Dynamo on Jan 10, 2012 18:13:01 GMT -4
The most important part of any non-promo-cutting segment of televisable programming...is the cameraman. With few exceptions, if you are witnessing a wrestler's behind-the-scenes life, it's because a cameraman filmed it. It is this indelible fact of the life of a professional wrestler that is most commonly forgotten. Fans are exposed to alleged scenes involving drug use...explicit sexual intercourse...even death...all completely filmed and reviewed, edited, and approved by various members of a promotion's management.
Obviously a lot of these scenes are fake.
Therefore, it is up to a professional wrestler to walk that tightrope when producing promos; if his work is unbelievable when we are reminded about the cameraman's presence, he will fail, and if he can't produce an interesting story due to these constraints, fans lose interest.
---
The scene opens up with Our Hero, sitting in a recliner. The background is indecipherable as to location. Clearly, all that is relevant is Our Hero.
I used to let my fans in on the deepest, darkest secrets of my life. I filmed a nervous breakdown, fights with significant women of my adult life, and a promo in which my aforementioned friend, Michael Chain, allegedly threw his stablemates into traffic, under a refrigerator, and through a solid glass door, respectively, and then ended by electrocuting his manager via toaster in the bathtub.
Sounds pretty ridiculous, doesn't it? And, in the wisdom that thirtysomethings like me pretend to have acquired, I realize how pointless it is to try and create a graphic novel about my life outside the ring.
Let's face it. The ACTUAL Kid Dynamo superhero did not last very long as part of a comic book franchise, so why should I believe that a soap opera about me is interesting?
Wrestlers are terrified of the sport turning into MMA with spandex, and I admit that it is a concern. However, ever since the 80's, the sport as a whole has overcorrected. To maintain being the most entertaining sport in the world does not require a wrestler to be a superhero, or a demon from Hell, or a drug-dealing gangsta, or a split personality disorder, or ANYTHING like that.
Many wrestlers have completely forgotten how impressive the spectacle of pro wrestling is even without the craziness.
It's like MMA, but everyone is allowed to have a real personality and encouraged to dislike each other, because "Yeah, he's a good fighter" is BORING!
It's like Cirque de Soleil, but there is actual violence to go along with the breathtaking athleticism, because an event that has no winner is BORING!
Wrestling combines the best facets of sport and theater that has ever been created, and that is EVEN BEFORE the silly back stories and non-promos!
And my opponent is one of the TAME ones! He took my critique to heart and backed off of the improbable silliness of expecting us to believe someone permitted APW cameras to record his session, as well as assuming the psychiatrist waived "doctor-patient confidentiality". His effort since has just been him talking to his lawyer about nonexistent charges.
Oh, and of course, the world's worst journalist. Let's be clear: there is NOT A SINGLE PROFESSIONAL JOURNALIST ON THE PLANET who would ask for your thoughts and then just let you go. Think about it, Dan, have you EVER seen an interview with just one Q and minute after minute of A?
It's a damn shame, Quinn, really it is, because I WANTED to be impressed by you, I WANTED to be able to acknowledge the improvement between one day to the next of being the beneficiary of my ire. But, while you have scaled back the promo budget to no longer include so-called "pipsqueaks" crying about you, you still drastically failed to make it believable, and therefore wasted your time.
Speaking of which, I know that, coming from Britain, you have different uses for the same words as compared to those fluent in American English. That said, you keep wanting to call me "pipsqueak". That word is PROPERLY used to mean someone who is insignificant because they are small. Do you realize that we are roughly the same height? I'm six foot tall, and, at 225, pretty much on par with the size of a wrestler who uses a Luchadorian arsenal as opposed to those who depend on it. You are taller BY AN INCH. You are heavier BY LESS THAN 40 POUNDS. Dwight Howard can call me "pipsqueak". Haloti Ngata can call me "pipsqueak". You just look like someone with a strange version of Body Dysmorphic Disorder. I get it, Quinn; that quip isn't about me, it's about you. You want to sell the idea that you are some vicious, overpowering brute capable of punching teeth out and ripping bodies in half. YOU ARE 260 POUNDS! While that's plenty of bulk to be a strong person, this monster you want me to believe you are is just...well, it's as unrealistic as a filmed production of a guy whining about you beating him up.
And are you STILL pretending that people think you are clever with the "Adult with "kid" in name equals pedophile" nonsense? I have already explained this. The name was trademarked thirteen years ago, and references a superhero in a very short-lived comic book. To shorten it to Dynamo just because I'm on the wrong side of thirty would be to discard the allusion as well as publicly voiding the career I have had previously. It's not a bragging point, but I am certainly proud of the career I have had, and I am not going to "start over" just because morons like you are too lacking in verbal creativity to come up with something better to say about me. Admittedly, it is annoying when I have to deal with this all the time, but, then again, my win-loss record against people too stupid to come up with other ways to verbally spar with me is pretty good, so, on second thought, keep that weak crap coming.
Now, you did bring up a potentially serious philosophical gimmick. See, both of us agree - a rarity, to be sure - that I am the hero in this contest. I am fighting for the people, and you are entertained by earning their ire. However, you forget that, unlike medieval times, the hero/villain line isn't separated by chivalry versus treachery. Everyone has a touch of those "villainous" traits, so it really comes down to your cause: what you are willing to fight for, whatever manner in which you choose to fight. You? Well, you are like everyone else in this cancerous business in that your concern is only yourself. All you care about is your short-term paycheck and trying to reach the top no matter what. Like most of the ingrates in the back, if someone offered you the APW World Heavyweight Championship on the condition that your title reign would cause the ratings to drop to almost zero, all the advertisement contracts would be cancelled, and within a month, APW Asylum dies...you'd take the championship. You'd screw everyone else in the back AND the fans because YOU are that desperate for glory.
I am desperate to save APW. I'm sure Jeff has seen a lot of people who have the amount of experience I have, and I am fortunate that he actually gave me a shot with an interview instead of blowing me off as someone from a past generation who had been passed up by the new generation. Now, I'm going to make good on this chance I have, but that chance dissipates if slugs like you dominate the airwaves without caring about how bad it looks and torch this company with your indifferent mediocrity.
See, Dan, THAT is what I am desperate for: being on television, hearing the fans communicate their desire for me to perform at an elite level through their roof-busting cheers, and talking right back to them through my show-stopping skills and willingness to sacrifice my body and mind to not only win the match, but make them WANT to see it in the first place.
The LAST thing I am desperate to be is some thug who has completely deluded himself into thinking he is...well, really anything more than a British thug. He claims to be funny but unless punching my teeth in was a punchline, he hasn't even tried to be humorous. He claims to be intelligent, but he HAS to be stupid to think that anyone bought that psychiatrist skit. He claims to be able to win over the crowd...but OF COURSE he "chooses not to". OF COURSE! The entire APW staff, wrestlers and all, could not count on their hands the number of people who turn their back on the fans because they turn on him first.
Finally, you claim that I am desperate to have everything you want. Really? You have no ----ing clue what I want. If you did, you would know that I DO have everything I want. I have a woman at home who loves Brad Christopher even though he spends most of his time being Kid Dynamo, and I have four children who will always cheer for me no matter what happens. Best of all, I am on a televised professional wrestling show getting to do exactly what I love to do.
So what exactly about you is something I want? Oh, yeah, I forgot. "You have it all". Oh wait. Let me try and do this right. "You 'AVE i' all"! What do you have? An APW contract? Me too. A chance to win the Tapout Championship at Rasslemania? Me too. And then there's...what, a lawyer who is your friend? See, Dan, I don't NEED a friendly lawyer on retainer. I'M NOT PRETENDING TO HURT PEOPLE FOR NO REASON!
I mean, Dairy Queen, it really deserves to be asked: Why on EARTH should I respect you at all? You haven't won a televised match yet, you have done absolutely nothing except come out and attack me from behind - an attack I ended with a Last Stand - and then, next week, came out to a "Who the Hell is this?" reaction and talk trash. You are not nearly big enough to be menacing by default. You have no quantifiable skill set that can hold a candle to good old-fashioned wrestling, and there is nothing about you that separates you from anybody else...except that you are British, BUT OH WAIT, there's at least two other British guys too! THERE IS NOTHING SPECIAL ABOUT YOU...
...AT ALL!
But, don't worry, Dan. There's still time. There's certainly no shame in starting off your APW career 0-1. Losing to me won't be something that ends your career before it begins. It WILL, however, be a chance to eat a little humility, learn a little bit more about your weaknesses, and, most importantly of all, realize you need to get better to hang in the Dynamo Era of APW. Remember, Dan, I'm not here to knock you out of APW; I'm here to force you and everyone else to elevate their game. As disgusted as I am right now that you and I share the same company, I realize that there's plenty of time for you to figure out how to be a wrestler worth watching and maybe even score the upset in the contender's gauntlet match at Rasslemania.
So keep that in mind on Sunday, Dan. This is not the end, it is only the beginning...
...of...
...the END 0F THE W0RLD!!!
The camera zooms out...
...and you realize that Our Hero was sitting in a recliner...at a furniture store. Customers are looking confused at this man who had been ranting for the past few minutes about stuff they didn't know about. He looks back at the camera and smiles, then starts handing out flyers for APW Asylum as the scene fades.
Obviously a lot of these scenes are fake.
Therefore, it is up to a professional wrestler to walk that tightrope when producing promos; if his work is unbelievable when we are reminded about the cameraman's presence, he will fail, and if he can't produce an interesting story due to these constraints, fans lose interest.
---
The scene opens up with Our Hero, sitting in a recliner. The background is indecipherable as to location. Clearly, all that is relevant is Our Hero.
I used to let my fans in on the deepest, darkest secrets of my life. I filmed a nervous breakdown, fights with significant women of my adult life, and a promo in which my aforementioned friend, Michael Chain, allegedly threw his stablemates into traffic, under a refrigerator, and through a solid glass door, respectively, and then ended by electrocuting his manager via toaster in the bathtub.
Sounds pretty ridiculous, doesn't it? And, in the wisdom that thirtysomethings like me pretend to have acquired, I realize how pointless it is to try and create a graphic novel about my life outside the ring.
Let's face it. The ACTUAL Kid Dynamo superhero did not last very long as part of a comic book franchise, so why should I believe that a soap opera about me is interesting?
Wrestlers are terrified of the sport turning into MMA with spandex, and I admit that it is a concern. However, ever since the 80's, the sport as a whole has overcorrected. To maintain being the most entertaining sport in the world does not require a wrestler to be a superhero, or a demon from Hell, or a drug-dealing gangsta, or a split personality disorder, or ANYTHING like that.
Many wrestlers have completely forgotten how impressive the spectacle of pro wrestling is even without the craziness.
It's like MMA, but everyone is allowed to have a real personality and encouraged to dislike each other, because "Yeah, he's a good fighter" is BORING!
It's like Cirque de Soleil, but there is actual violence to go along with the breathtaking athleticism, because an event that has no winner is BORING!
Wrestling combines the best facets of sport and theater that has ever been created, and that is EVEN BEFORE the silly back stories and non-promos!
And my opponent is one of the TAME ones! He took my critique to heart and backed off of the improbable silliness of expecting us to believe someone permitted APW cameras to record his session, as well as assuming the psychiatrist waived "doctor-patient confidentiality". His effort since has just been him talking to his lawyer about nonexistent charges.
Oh, and of course, the world's worst journalist. Let's be clear: there is NOT A SINGLE PROFESSIONAL JOURNALIST ON THE PLANET who would ask for your thoughts and then just let you go. Think about it, Dan, have you EVER seen an interview with just one Q and minute after minute of A?
It's a damn shame, Quinn, really it is, because I WANTED to be impressed by you, I WANTED to be able to acknowledge the improvement between one day to the next of being the beneficiary of my ire. But, while you have scaled back the promo budget to no longer include so-called "pipsqueaks" crying about you, you still drastically failed to make it believable, and therefore wasted your time.
Speaking of which, I know that, coming from Britain, you have different uses for the same words as compared to those fluent in American English. That said, you keep wanting to call me "pipsqueak". That word is PROPERLY used to mean someone who is insignificant because they are small. Do you realize that we are roughly the same height? I'm six foot tall, and, at 225, pretty much on par with the size of a wrestler who uses a Luchadorian arsenal as opposed to those who depend on it. You are taller BY AN INCH. You are heavier BY LESS THAN 40 POUNDS. Dwight Howard can call me "pipsqueak". Haloti Ngata can call me "pipsqueak". You just look like someone with a strange version of Body Dysmorphic Disorder. I get it, Quinn; that quip isn't about me, it's about you. You want to sell the idea that you are some vicious, overpowering brute capable of punching teeth out and ripping bodies in half. YOU ARE 260 POUNDS! While that's plenty of bulk to be a strong person, this monster you want me to believe you are is just...well, it's as unrealistic as a filmed production of a guy whining about you beating him up.
And are you STILL pretending that people think you are clever with the "Adult with "kid" in name equals pedophile" nonsense? I have already explained this. The name was trademarked thirteen years ago, and references a superhero in a very short-lived comic book. To shorten it to Dynamo just because I'm on the wrong side of thirty would be to discard the allusion as well as publicly voiding the career I have had previously. It's not a bragging point, but I am certainly proud of the career I have had, and I am not going to "start over" just because morons like you are too lacking in verbal creativity to come up with something better to say about me. Admittedly, it is annoying when I have to deal with this all the time, but, then again, my win-loss record against people too stupid to come up with other ways to verbally spar with me is pretty good, so, on second thought, keep that weak crap coming.
Now, you did bring up a potentially serious philosophical gimmick. See, both of us agree - a rarity, to be sure - that I am the hero in this contest. I am fighting for the people, and you are entertained by earning their ire. However, you forget that, unlike medieval times, the hero/villain line isn't separated by chivalry versus treachery. Everyone has a touch of those "villainous" traits, so it really comes down to your cause: what you are willing to fight for, whatever manner in which you choose to fight. You? Well, you are like everyone else in this cancerous business in that your concern is only yourself. All you care about is your short-term paycheck and trying to reach the top no matter what. Like most of the ingrates in the back, if someone offered you the APW World Heavyweight Championship on the condition that your title reign would cause the ratings to drop to almost zero, all the advertisement contracts would be cancelled, and within a month, APW Asylum dies...you'd take the championship. You'd screw everyone else in the back AND the fans because YOU are that desperate for glory.
I am desperate to save APW. I'm sure Jeff has seen a lot of people who have the amount of experience I have, and I am fortunate that he actually gave me a shot with an interview instead of blowing me off as someone from a past generation who had been passed up by the new generation. Now, I'm going to make good on this chance I have, but that chance dissipates if slugs like you dominate the airwaves without caring about how bad it looks and torch this company with your indifferent mediocrity.
See, Dan, THAT is what I am desperate for: being on television, hearing the fans communicate their desire for me to perform at an elite level through their roof-busting cheers, and talking right back to them through my show-stopping skills and willingness to sacrifice my body and mind to not only win the match, but make them WANT to see it in the first place.
The LAST thing I am desperate to be is some thug who has completely deluded himself into thinking he is...well, really anything more than a British thug. He claims to be funny but unless punching my teeth in was a punchline, he hasn't even tried to be humorous. He claims to be intelligent, but he HAS to be stupid to think that anyone bought that psychiatrist skit. He claims to be able to win over the crowd...but OF COURSE he "chooses not to". OF COURSE! The entire APW staff, wrestlers and all, could not count on their hands the number of people who turn their back on the fans because they turn on him first.
Finally, you claim that I am desperate to have everything you want. Really? You have no ----ing clue what I want. If you did, you would know that I DO have everything I want. I have a woman at home who loves Brad Christopher even though he spends most of his time being Kid Dynamo, and I have four children who will always cheer for me no matter what happens. Best of all, I am on a televised professional wrestling show getting to do exactly what I love to do.
So what exactly about you is something I want? Oh, yeah, I forgot. "You have it all". Oh wait. Let me try and do this right. "You 'AVE i' all"! What do you have? An APW contract? Me too. A chance to win the Tapout Championship at Rasslemania? Me too. And then there's...what, a lawyer who is your friend? See, Dan, I don't NEED a friendly lawyer on retainer. I'M NOT PRETENDING TO HURT PEOPLE FOR NO REASON!
I mean, Dairy Queen, it really deserves to be asked: Why on EARTH should I respect you at all? You haven't won a televised match yet, you have done absolutely nothing except come out and attack me from behind - an attack I ended with a Last Stand - and then, next week, came out to a "Who the Hell is this?" reaction and talk trash. You are not nearly big enough to be menacing by default. You have no quantifiable skill set that can hold a candle to good old-fashioned wrestling, and there is nothing about you that separates you from anybody else...except that you are British, BUT OH WAIT, there's at least two other British guys too! THERE IS NOTHING SPECIAL ABOUT YOU...
...AT ALL!
But, don't worry, Dan. There's still time. There's certainly no shame in starting off your APW career 0-1. Losing to me won't be something that ends your career before it begins. It WILL, however, be a chance to eat a little humility, learn a little bit more about your weaknesses, and, most importantly of all, realize you need to get better to hang in the Dynamo Era of APW. Remember, Dan, I'm not here to knock you out of APW; I'm here to force you and everyone else to elevate their game. As disgusted as I am right now that you and I share the same company, I realize that there's plenty of time for you to figure out how to be a wrestler worth watching and maybe even score the upset in the contender's gauntlet match at Rasslemania.
So keep that in mind on Sunday, Dan. This is not the end, it is only the beginning...
...of...
...the END 0F THE W0RLD!!!
The camera zooms out...
...and you realize that Our Hero was sitting in a recliner...at a furniture store. Customers are looking confused at this man who had been ranting for the past few minutes about stuff they didn't know about. He looks back at the camera and smiles, then starts handing out flyers for APW Asylum as the scene fades.
