Post by Phil Atken on Jan 28, 2012 10:16:57 GMT -4
The Dirk Dickwood Agency Office in London, England.
We find Phil Atken like we find many people, sitting down on a chair in the company of another man. Not in a sexy way, but in a friend-type thing that some men have with other men. The other man of mens is Dirk Dickwood, esteemed Londonian Superagent. Dirk decided to call with to meet with him after there brief run-in outside Overdrive the week before, wishing to discuss the Survive and Conquer Scramble Match that Mr. Atken found himself in.
Dickwood: Where do I begin?
Atken: Begin what?
Dickwood: You know you did this to yourself right?
Atken: Did what? Did the right and moral thing in consideration for my fellow wrestling compatriots?
Dickwood: You know what you are getting sent into at Survive and Conquer right?
Atken: Victory. A victory for my petition. A cancellation of a heinous bout. That is what I am getting sent to.
Dirk begins to look rather sheepish and it finally sinks in that Phil has no earthly idea he is also scheduled to be a wrasslin' at the Papier View as well.
Dickwood: Well... err... how do I put this. That's not the only thing you'll be doing.
Atken: Of course it's the only thing I'll be doing, I'm yanking the plug Dirk. I'm going in there to be the big yankmeister.
Dickwood: Phil, listen...
Atken: I'm not cancelling the petition Dirk, I have work too long and too har...
Dickwood: YOU HAVE A MATCH YOU DOLT!
And with that, a silence begins to move across the room. Both men shift in their seats in a manner most uncomfortable, both not really willing to break the silence. This awkwardness, on par with a wet fart, continues for a few seconds.
Atken: A match?
Dickwood: Not just any match, a Suicide Title match.
Atken: Oh ho ho ho, is that so? Me and the lovely Ms. Arcadia. Could be worse.
Dickwood: Yes, you, Arcadia and three other guys.
Atken: That's not really my scene Dirkypoo. I'm a one girl guy, ya dig?
Dickwood: But it is your match. You, Arcadia, Mahattan White, that guy with the sledgehammer and the Republican...
Atken: Trevor Jennings? I though I drove him out of town with my mastery of debating the world of pornographics.
Dickwood: Different Republican. Goes by Callahan.
Atken: Does he own a saloon?
Dickwood: …I don't even know how to respond to that one.
Atken: Regardless, I've dealt with these Republican wrasslers in the past...
Dickwood: You've dealt with ONE Republican wrestler in the past...
Atken: Aren't we Mr. Semantics today?
Dickwood shoots a glare at Phil that could kill 1,000 puppies or 1 Mel Gibson. Take your pick with whichever you value more.
Atken: Eh, Republican wrestlers are all the same anyway. There's no ideological consistency to what they say. They are giant hypocrites by nature and sooner or later, generally sooner if I'm honest, they get exposed and get on the next train out of town. It's the nature of the beast.
Dickwood: Like you're one to talk Mr. Backstage Politics 2010.
Atken: Oh, did I win that award? Why didn't you tell me. I'd have added it to my CV.
At this point Mr. Dirk Dickwood began to hurt on the inside.
Dickwood: Look, we're talking around the issue but we have to face it. You've been put in a dangerous situation with four other people all looking to make a name for themselves. You have been put in a situation that could end in you being injured. You are being put in this situation because you have pissed Jeff hella-off. It's as clear to me as it is as clear to you that this match is not a reward, it is a punishment.
Atken: So what? If it's a punishment, we call the companies bluff. We show them what a safe working environment should be. We ensure there are no shananigagaries in the bout. We show them what this sport is at in its purest form. We show them white as snow wrestling. We show them what my petition is about. Not just safety for me, safety for everyone.
Dickwood: You're not going to achieve that by being in the ring with these maniacs. Arcadia is out for herself, White is pissed off and looking to take out his frustrations, the God of Thunder is trying to establish some kind of cool bad-ass reputation like we're still living in the 90s. The only one you might be able to talk some sense into is...
Atken: The Republican. I know. I got it. God knows he'll not be a man of his work either.
Dickwood: Look, I asked them to send round some videos...
Atken: Dirk, I told you, I have never nor will I ever be interested in your “video collection”.
Dickwood: Not that kind of video you maroon. I want you to see the people you are dealing with. I want you to understand how bad this punishment is. I want you to think about withdrawing this god damn stupid petition before you end your career.
Atken: Alright, fine. I'll watch these stupid people saying stupid things for stupid jerks but Dirk, you're missing the big picture. If this is a punishment, APW is right where I want it. APW is afraid that I am going to be successful. APW is afraid that I am going to change this industry for the better and President Jeff is afraid I will go down in the history books as a true, courageous outsider at his expensive. That I will create my legacy by pissing on his. That's what we're dealing with Dirk...
Dickwood: Shut up and watch this.
Dickwood leans back in his chair and begins puffing away at a cigar on the table as Phil watches the recent comments of Odin Balfour, Michael Callahan and Manhattan White. Phil continues to shake his head in despair. As he continues to watch the words that the men espouse from their word holes he begins to weep a little. A single tear roles down his cheek as he sees the future of the wrestling industry float away before him.
Dickwood: So, understand what we're dealing with? You need to fix this
Atken: Call the media! I'm gonna make a speech!
With that Atken bolts out of the office, pen and paper in hand. Dirk Dickwood on the other hand breathes a weary sigh.
Dickwood: That wasn't exactly what I had planned. In fact, it was the exact opposite.
Some Statue of a Dude in Miami, Florida
We find Phil Atken standing in front of a hastily set up podium in front of the first statue he could find in Miami. Before Phil is a true media power force, the APW camera crew and to join them, the local community radio station. The local community station was mostly there to fill the gaps in there “Crazy Scottish Man Makes Drunken Speech” story. This concludes the list of people present for Phil Atken's Health and Safety Speech Spectacular 2012. I only know it was called that because of the banner.
Atken: What a great turnout we have here today. I'm so happy to see so many smiling faces before me. It's nice to see some faces I know as well as some nice new faces too.
Phil begins making hand gestures to the APW camera crew and the local radio station lady in her 60s.
Atken: I stand before you here today in front of the statue of a great man, Mr. Fwumph Hurfledufle.
Voice: SORRY WHAT WAS THAT NAME?
Atken: You bet'cha! Now he was a fine, outstanding citizen of the American States of Unitedness and stood for everything good in the world, so it is fitting that today I stand before him making a speech that would bring a tear to his eye. You see for many weeks now I have been campaigning vigorously to improve the well-being of my fellow APW Megastars. I have decided to say that enough is enough and it's time for a change. That no longer should we allow ourselves to be the victims of sneak attacks and weapons. That we should come together, as one voice and ask for our health and safety to be protected.
Phil begins to applaud his own speech in the vein hope that someone else may join in. He fails at fulfilling this hope.
Atken: Now, I am a humble man but my fellow friends within this company have asked me to be the face of this issue. They have trusted me to spread the word and make sure that the message is getting out and with your help today, we can spread that message to the furtherest reaches of the galaxy.
Another attempt, another fail.
Atken: But like every crusade for justice, I... we... have our detractors. People who hope to stop us from succeeding. People who wish that I would just go away. They want the status quo to continue. They want to see their fellow workers concussed, hospitalised and in some occasions, set alight. They think that it's fine. That it's funny. That it proves you to be some kind of “bad ass”. Well I've got news for those people. The “bad ass” attitude died in the 1990s and if you don't come aboard Healthy and Safety train then I can promise you, you will die like the dinosaurs die. The meteor of well-being is going to come crashing down upon you all.
Off the microphone, Phil tries to begin a chant of “Meteor! Meteor! Meteor!”, I'll leave you to decide how successful it was.
Atken: Men like Odin Balfour, they only care about self, they only care about greed. They have no interest in their common man. He, like many others just can't see the trees for the forest. They get too bogged down in their own little worlds, scared of accepting the views of an outsider. It's all drugs and alcohol, ladies and ladyboys to men like Odin. Soon though, he'll come around. He'll realise that his career is slowly reaching it's twilight. He'll realise he doesn't want to spend the rest of his adult life as a cripple. He'll want to play with his grand children. He'll want to enjoy the embrace of his family without being in excruciating agony. Odin my friend, I'm doing this for you and others like you.
Atken: Then we have people like Manhattan White, who after being attacked by former friends has decided to embrace weapons and other such toys. Mr. White, please listen to me, weapon attacks are not the answer. You need to grow stronger from the experience, you need to move in. You don't want to sink to the level of these Peter friends of yours. You want to be the man on the highest of grounds. That's what fans love, a man who does what's right. If you want the crowd to keep on bringing you that love, you need to stay away from the dark temptress of weapons. You need not be aroused by the sneak attack. You need to be the best man you can. You need to show off the skills you have to pay the bills. You don't need niknaks or indeed paddywhacks to give the crowd a bone. You need to be the best wrestler you can be. No more, no less.
Atken: Let us not forget the fairer sex in this equation. Ms. Arcadia has shown great disregard for her fellow competitors time and time again but I've dealt with her on many occasions and I know deep down that she really does care about us all. If she were to ever end a fellow wrestlers career, the guilt would haunt her until the day she died. She doesn't want to live with the thought of that. No one does. I know, at the end of the day, she's a smart cookie and she'll see this match and indeed this entire Survivor and Conquer farce for what is really is. A god damn meat grinder.
I would describe the actions Atken made here but to be honest, I'd rather not.
Atken: Finally, we have what I feel is the biggest threat to our cause. The disingenuous hypocrites, people like Michael Callahan, an esteemed young Republican. Sure, they may say they are against what the Suicidal Title stand for, but they'll happily play the game. They'll happily say that in front the camera that they wouldn't dream of being hardcore but when they get in the ring and they see a chair before them or a ring bell or indeed a meat grinder...
Same actions, doubly as painful. Let's just say “gyration” and leave it there shall we?
Atken: … then they will use them. You're no unique butterfly Mr. Callahan, I bet you believe that you can't make an omlette without breaking a few eggs... OR IS IT NECKS? IS IT NECKS MR. CALLAHAN? DO YOU WANT TO BREAK MY NECK? You are the worst Michael because you're a snake. There's no such thing as a true “good ole boy” any more than there is such a thing as a true Scotsman. Sure, you can play the nicey-nice game in front of the Youtubes but I bet you, I bet you ten thousand American dollary-doodeys that when push comes to shove you'll pick up that chair. When asked why, I'm sure you'll blame Jesus. I know your type Mikey, you best see the true and real sense before Sunday.
Atken begins to lean into the microphone stand as he becomes manic in his speech pattern. Sure he was babbling before but now he is loudly babbling.
Atken: Now, I know that on Sunday night you will all see sense. None of us will participate in this little game set to destroy our career. Gentlemen and lady, I don't want to win the Suicide Title at Survivor and Conquer. Really I don't. However, you all need to see the light. If I have to take away your little toy to do it. I will. I will win the god damn belt and knock some sense into all four of you. I will take that belt and you will listen to me. You will listen to me and you will bow down to me because I will have been proven to be in the right and by god, all of you will be in the wrong. Don't forget, I am doing this for you. Bend over and accept it.
Phil Atken slowly steps down from the podium as the audience of 12 all look at each other in befuddlement, shrug their shoulders and begin to return to their daily lives.
We find Phil Atken like we find many people, sitting down on a chair in the company of another man. Not in a sexy way, but in a friend-type thing that some men have with other men. The other man of mens is Dirk Dickwood, esteemed Londonian Superagent. Dirk decided to call with to meet with him after there brief run-in outside Overdrive the week before, wishing to discuss the Survive and Conquer Scramble Match that Mr. Atken found himself in.
Dickwood: Where do I begin?
Atken: Begin what?
Dickwood: You know you did this to yourself right?
Atken: Did what? Did the right and moral thing in consideration for my fellow wrestling compatriots?
Dickwood: You know what you are getting sent into at Survive and Conquer right?
Atken: Victory. A victory for my petition. A cancellation of a heinous bout. That is what I am getting sent to.
Dirk begins to look rather sheepish and it finally sinks in that Phil has no earthly idea he is also scheduled to be a wrasslin' at the Papier View as well.
Dickwood: Well... err... how do I put this. That's not the only thing you'll be doing.
Atken: Of course it's the only thing I'll be doing, I'm yanking the plug Dirk. I'm going in there to be the big yankmeister.
Dickwood: Phil, listen...
Atken: I'm not cancelling the petition Dirk, I have work too long and too har...
Dickwood: YOU HAVE A MATCH YOU DOLT!
And with that, a silence begins to move across the room. Both men shift in their seats in a manner most uncomfortable, both not really willing to break the silence. This awkwardness, on par with a wet fart, continues for a few seconds.
Atken: A match?
Dickwood: Not just any match, a Suicide Title match.
Atken: Oh ho ho ho, is that so? Me and the lovely Ms. Arcadia. Could be worse.
Dickwood: Yes, you, Arcadia and three other guys.
Atken: That's not really my scene Dirkypoo. I'm a one girl guy, ya dig?
Dickwood: But it is your match. You, Arcadia, Mahattan White, that guy with the sledgehammer and the Republican...
Atken: Trevor Jennings? I though I drove him out of town with my mastery of debating the world of pornographics.
Dickwood: Different Republican. Goes by Callahan.
Atken: Does he own a saloon?
Dickwood: …I don't even know how to respond to that one.
Atken: Regardless, I've dealt with these Republican wrasslers in the past...
Dickwood: You've dealt with ONE Republican wrestler in the past...
Atken: Aren't we Mr. Semantics today?
Dickwood shoots a glare at Phil that could kill 1,000 puppies or 1 Mel Gibson. Take your pick with whichever you value more.
Atken: Eh, Republican wrestlers are all the same anyway. There's no ideological consistency to what they say. They are giant hypocrites by nature and sooner or later, generally sooner if I'm honest, they get exposed and get on the next train out of town. It's the nature of the beast.
Dickwood: Like you're one to talk Mr. Backstage Politics 2010.
Atken: Oh, did I win that award? Why didn't you tell me. I'd have added it to my CV.
At this point Mr. Dirk Dickwood began to hurt on the inside.
Dickwood: Look, we're talking around the issue but we have to face it. You've been put in a dangerous situation with four other people all looking to make a name for themselves. You have been put in a situation that could end in you being injured. You are being put in this situation because you have pissed Jeff hella-off. It's as clear to me as it is as clear to you that this match is not a reward, it is a punishment.
Atken: So what? If it's a punishment, we call the companies bluff. We show them what a safe working environment should be. We ensure there are no shananigagaries in the bout. We show them what this sport is at in its purest form. We show them white as snow wrestling. We show them what my petition is about. Not just safety for me, safety for everyone.
Dickwood: You're not going to achieve that by being in the ring with these maniacs. Arcadia is out for herself, White is pissed off and looking to take out his frustrations, the God of Thunder is trying to establish some kind of cool bad-ass reputation like we're still living in the 90s. The only one you might be able to talk some sense into is...
Atken: The Republican. I know. I got it. God knows he'll not be a man of his work either.
Dickwood: Look, I asked them to send round some videos...
Atken: Dirk, I told you, I have never nor will I ever be interested in your “video collection”.
Dickwood: Not that kind of video you maroon. I want you to see the people you are dealing with. I want you to understand how bad this punishment is. I want you to think about withdrawing this god damn stupid petition before you end your career.
Atken: Alright, fine. I'll watch these stupid people saying stupid things for stupid jerks but Dirk, you're missing the big picture. If this is a punishment, APW is right where I want it. APW is afraid that I am going to be successful. APW is afraid that I am going to change this industry for the better and President Jeff is afraid I will go down in the history books as a true, courageous outsider at his expensive. That I will create my legacy by pissing on his. That's what we're dealing with Dirk...
Dickwood: Shut up and watch this.
Dickwood leans back in his chair and begins puffing away at a cigar on the table as Phil watches the recent comments of Odin Balfour, Michael Callahan and Manhattan White. Phil continues to shake his head in despair. As he continues to watch the words that the men espouse from their word holes he begins to weep a little. A single tear roles down his cheek as he sees the future of the wrestling industry float away before him.
Dickwood: So, understand what we're dealing with? You need to fix this
Atken: Call the media! I'm gonna make a speech!
With that Atken bolts out of the office, pen and paper in hand. Dirk Dickwood on the other hand breathes a weary sigh.
Dickwood: That wasn't exactly what I had planned. In fact, it was the exact opposite.
Some Statue of a Dude in Miami, Florida
We find Phil Atken standing in front of a hastily set up podium in front of the first statue he could find in Miami. Before Phil is a true media power force, the APW camera crew and to join them, the local community radio station. The local community station was mostly there to fill the gaps in there “Crazy Scottish Man Makes Drunken Speech” story. This concludes the list of people present for Phil Atken's Health and Safety Speech Spectacular 2012. I only know it was called that because of the banner.
Atken: What a great turnout we have here today. I'm so happy to see so many smiling faces before me. It's nice to see some faces I know as well as some nice new faces too.
Phil begins making hand gestures to the APW camera crew and the local radio station lady in her 60s.
Atken: I stand before you here today in front of the statue of a great man, Mr. Fwumph Hurfledufle.
Voice: SORRY WHAT WAS THAT NAME?
Atken: You bet'cha! Now he was a fine, outstanding citizen of the American States of Unitedness and stood for everything good in the world, so it is fitting that today I stand before him making a speech that would bring a tear to his eye. You see for many weeks now I have been campaigning vigorously to improve the well-being of my fellow APW Megastars. I have decided to say that enough is enough and it's time for a change. That no longer should we allow ourselves to be the victims of sneak attacks and weapons. That we should come together, as one voice and ask for our health and safety to be protected.
Phil begins to applaud his own speech in the vein hope that someone else may join in. He fails at fulfilling this hope.
Atken: Now, I am a humble man but my fellow friends within this company have asked me to be the face of this issue. They have trusted me to spread the word and make sure that the message is getting out and with your help today, we can spread that message to the furtherest reaches of the galaxy.
Another attempt, another fail.
Atken: But like every crusade for justice, I... we... have our detractors. People who hope to stop us from succeeding. People who wish that I would just go away. They want the status quo to continue. They want to see their fellow workers concussed, hospitalised and in some occasions, set alight. They think that it's fine. That it's funny. That it proves you to be some kind of “bad ass”. Well I've got news for those people. The “bad ass” attitude died in the 1990s and if you don't come aboard Healthy and Safety train then I can promise you, you will die like the dinosaurs die. The meteor of well-being is going to come crashing down upon you all.
Off the microphone, Phil tries to begin a chant of “Meteor! Meteor! Meteor!”, I'll leave you to decide how successful it was.
Atken: Men like Odin Balfour, they only care about self, they only care about greed. They have no interest in their common man. He, like many others just can't see the trees for the forest. They get too bogged down in their own little worlds, scared of accepting the views of an outsider. It's all drugs and alcohol, ladies and ladyboys to men like Odin. Soon though, he'll come around. He'll realise that his career is slowly reaching it's twilight. He'll realise he doesn't want to spend the rest of his adult life as a cripple. He'll want to play with his grand children. He'll want to enjoy the embrace of his family without being in excruciating agony. Odin my friend, I'm doing this for you and others like you.
Atken: Then we have people like Manhattan White, who after being attacked by former friends has decided to embrace weapons and other such toys. Mr. White, please listen to me, weapon attacks are not the answer. You need to grow stronger from the experience, you need to move in. You don't want to sink to the level of these Peter friends of yours. You want to be the man on the highest of grounds. That's what fans love, a man who does what's right. If you want the crowd to keep on bringing you that love, you need to stay away from the dark temptress of weapons. You need not be aroused by the sneak attack. You need to be the best man you can. You need to show off the skills you have to pay the bills. You don't need niknaks or indeed paddywhacks to give the crowd a bone. You need to be the best wrestler you can be. No more, no less.
Atken: Let us not forget the fairer sex in this equation. Ms. Arcadia has shown great disregard for her fellow competitors time and time again but I've dealt with her on many occasions and I know deep down that she really does care about us all. If she were to ever end a fellow wrestlers career, the guilt would haunt her until the day she died. She doesn't want to live with the thought of that. No one does. I know, at the end of the day, she's a smart cookie and she'll see this match and indeed this entire Survivor and Conquer farce for what is really is. A god damn meat grinder.
I would describe the actions Atken made here but to be honest, I'd rather not.
Atken: Finally, we have what I feel is the biggest threat to our cause. The disingenuous hypocrites, people like Michael Callahan, an esteemed young Republican. Sure, they may say they are against what the Suicidal Title stand for, but they'll happily play the game. They'll happily say that in front the camera that they wouldn't dream of being hardcore but when they get in the ring and they see a chair before them or a ring bell or indeed a meat grinder...
Same actions, doubly as painful. Let's just say “gyration” and leave it there shall we?
Atken: … then they will use them. You're no unique butterfly Mr. Callahan, I bet you believe that you can't make an omlette without breaking a few eggs... OR IS IT NECKS? IS IT NECKS MR. CALLAHAN? DO YOU WANT TO BREAK MY NECK? You are the worst Michael because you're a snake. There's no such thing as a true “good ole boy” any more than there is such a thing as a true Scotsman. Sure, you can play the nicey-nice game in front of the Youtubes but I bet you, I bet you ten thousand American dollary-doodeys that when push comes to shove you'll pick up that chair. When asked why, I'm sure you'll blame Jesus. I know your type Mikey, you best see the true and real sense before Sunday.
Atken begins to lean into the microphone stand as he becomes manic in his speech pattern. Sure he was babbling before but now he is loudly babbling.
Atken: Now, I know that on Sunday night you will all see sense. None of us will participate in this little game set to destroy our career. Gentlemen and lady, I don't want to win the Suicide Title at Survivor and Conquer. Really I don't. However, you all need to see the light. If I have to take away your little toy to do it. I will. I will win the god damn belt and knock some sense into all four of you. I will take that belt and you will listen to me. You will listen to me and you will bow down to me because I will have been proven to be in the right and by god, all of you will be in the wrong. Don't forget, I am doing this for you. Bend over and accept it.
Phil Atken slowly steps down from the podium as the audience of 12 all look at each other in befuddlement, shrug their shoulders and begin to return to their daily lives.
