Post by Michael Callahan on Feb 4, 2012 23:32:32 GMT -4
It's the time again. Live from Michael Callahan's basement while his fiancé is out with her personal instructor, APW's new Suicidal Champion Michael Callahan is once again filming another video blog. With a big smile on his face and this time, a little bit more casual attire he's ready to film another first rate video. Instead of his usual suit Callahan is dressed down in a button up shirt, undone with a vest underneath and a pair of Levi's, loose fitting for extra comfort. He's got an immense amount of pride in himself at the moment as a result of his hard fought victory at Survie and Conquer but surprisingly his title is nowhere to be seen in the shot, something Callahan will get to later.
Michael Callahan: Helloooooooo Callahan Fans, it is I, live, from my fortified nuclear bunker basement den in the beautiful town of Kelso, Washington, coming to you with another one of my block rocking beats. Seriously though, it is a glorious day here at Planet Callahan. As you have all no doubt seen from my first video blog I have a lovely collection of ornaments scattered around my basement including collectible Futurama action figures, a Fallout 3 lunch box, a signed, framed photograph of myself sharing a hand shake with your hero and mine, Rick Santorum and of course my priceless Ming vase in the corner over there but today, I have a brand new ornament that is never going to see the light of day again outside of my house. Allow me to show you.
And with that Callahan once again goes on tour, picking up the camcorder off the top of his monitor and taking it with him over to the living area of his basement den which as always is unusually tidy for a straight man. He positions the camera to the new wallmount over his couch and strapped to the wall is his brand new Action Packed Wrestling Suicide Championship.
Michael Callahan: This championship belt here made from faux leather, yeah, that'll make those petulant hippies at PETA happy, and plastic painted to look like gold was salvaged from the ruins of what was once known as Asylum, a sub-brand of nationwide wrestling phenomena “Action Packed Wrestling”. A sub-brand which might I add is massively inferior to the absolute vast wealth of talent that you can find on APW's flagship show, Overdrive. This belt I believe was symbolic to the naïve, ehr-, native cave slugs that used to dwell in the rat infested relic of Asylum and people, men and women far less educated and skilled than us in modern civilization would batter each other with brute strength and hammers as this championship apparently held great value to these philistines.
Callahan's eyes get narrow and his voice gets huskier as he attempts to sound like some weird presenter from a history documentary, the irony of a Republican who's lifestyle is wrapped in antiquated traditions criticising Asylum and describing them as a pre-civilisation lost on The American Hero.
Michael Callahan: However, that was ancient history. That all changed when a great man explored what many believed to be an ancient site lost forever. That man was me, Michael Callahan and after years and years of simplistic and obnoxious, primal forms of fighting I arrived and showed them a higher form of combat. While previously they had been crudely using whatever furniture they could find as a weapon I was able to show them the light with such advanced moves as the three quarter facelock bulldog, or “Landslide Election” which I executed several times with aplomb. In the end, they simply threw the title at me and ran, absolutely paralysed with fear at my highly advanced wrestling abilities.
As Callahan's story gets more and more ludicrous his features start to crack and his own amusement shines through with his stern face weakens into a smirk, the occasional laugh coming out. Then at the end he suddenly straightens up having had a chuckle at Asylum's expense.
Michael Callahan: So maybe that isn't quite how it went down. Maybe I was the first man in a gauntlet match of five and was forced to wrestle non-stop for twenty minutes. And maybe I was crowned Interim a grand total of three times, more than any other competitor. Odin Balfore pinned three people too, but he pinned a woman which doesn't really count regaardless of whether she was champion going into the match. Also, I only got pinned once. Which is less than can be said for Odin Balfore who got pinned like a hundred times in the match. And then of course there's the final item to note, the fact that I scored a pinfall with no less than SIX, SECONDS on the clock remaining. Some say I stole the win, I say I should be applauded for timing my victory right the end like the true consummate professional I am.
To emphasise the point he holds up six fingers to the camera, a huge grin on his face as he gets to recount the story of his so-called “domination”, a match where he got pasted by Odin Balfore at the end for five minutes before Phil Atken distracted him by pelting him with a tin of beans allowing Callahan to score a last second Landslide Election for the victory. As we all know Callahan is a man who can not live without tooting his own horn.
Michael Callahan: I mean the match really could not have gone better. Arcadia was as usual, unreliable. Her relevance was finished about as quickly as Bill Clinton during the Monica Lewinsky scandal. And as for Manhattan White? If it were not for the fact that he were the only person to pin me, to which I retain was a fast count might I add, I would not have even realised he were there. So minor was his role in the match after all. Then after Atken hilariously handcuffed himself to the ring rope it was a no holds barred one on one between myself and Mr. Balfore which I must stress, dominated. As I promised. With a well executed plan I pulled out the victory and won a title in my first match, a feat so far unmatched and never will be here in APW.
Could one man be any more arrogant? To anyone paying attention Manhattan White was a clear fore-runner for winning the match until the interference of two extremely violent individuals, Irish Pete and Happy Pete. Arcadia was sadly mutilated at the hands of Odin Balfore too and he clearly cares little, assuming her lack of participation to be as a result of laziness rather than being thrown through tables and barb wire.
Michael Callahan: Now I thought that by winning my match with such an elegant yet apparent dominance that I would be granted the first Asylum back to rest. I was expecting a message from Reginald Schmidt on my answer phone saying “Nice going buddy, you really proved your point. You showed all those doubters who's boss.” However apparently that's just a fantasy in my head. Instead I have to go through another slog-fest with the incredibly boring, creativity stifling individual known as Odin Balfore once more. Because apparently it wasn't obvious enough that I was the better man on the night, the way I physically dissected him for all to see at Survive and Conquer. Oh no, apparently my win six seconds from the end was a fluke rather than a master stroke that realised my dreams of becoming the champion of Suicide.
He rolls his eyes, annoyed by this apparent misconception.
Michael Callahan: So as a result of this I have to take on “The Nordic Tank” again. Well let's chat about him shall I? You have been here longer than me, not by much but I have already achieved more than you ever will in your entire career. You have a lot of fans though, which is weird, and you like to say “The battle is already won”! Are you high? This isn't 800AD, this is not some far flung snowy peak in Scandinavia and you are not some Viking warrior god. This is the modern day and size and strength do not determine your success in wrestling any more. Wrestling is more akin to a democracy these days with the recipient of the popular vote being the high rise superstar that gets top billing. And let's face it, who deserves that title more than me, the duly elected wrestling representative?
Once again living in his own fantasy land, The American Hero seems to think that everybody loves him. It's apparently not the case.
Michael Callahan: You may have the Norse Gods on your side but I have the true Christian God and an army of loyal constituents backing my every decision as their in-ring leader. If you think you are going to take this Suicidal Championship away from me then you are dead wrong. I bet it bothers you more than most that I am pro-life, doesn't it? We all know the stories of the vikings plundering and pillaging, looting and raping and burning everything down! You probably burn babies in your spare time and serve them up for lunch! An all new meaning to baby back ribs! You do! Don't you! You monster! You are after all an uneducated ogre from Texas! Though maybe you'd be better suited out in some Swedish back country, away from their creepy, cutesy-wootsie, money grabbing socialist infrastructure.
Racist too? Sounds more tea party than anything. The zeal of Callahan is apparent as he rants and raves, his massive generalisations no doubt going to inflame Odin.
Michael Callahan: And come Asylum you will see why I am better than you in every single way. You may very well be some warrior hero like you claim to be but I am superior because I am an AMERICAN hero, which equates to roughly eight point ninety six times the level of hero that a Viking hero has. I have class and intelligence, qualities that you know absolutely nothing about. Sure, you have the capacity to grunt as well as swing at me like a Mongol warrior with heat stroke but in the end you are going to fall victim to the Victory Lock just like everyone else. Just like you should've done at Survive and Conquer. I will prove myself to be a fighting champion and once again show everybody that I am a man who does exactly what he says he's going to despite the doubters. You may not know what an election is you'd be wise to remember that a vote for Callahan is a vote for victory! Cya Sunday, Odin.
And with that it cuts to an end. It seems like Callahan's ignorance is unlimited. In the space of about five minutes he has insulted the Swedish, Texans, Mongolia and Scandinavia in general as well as giving himself the worlds allocation of ego boost simply for being American. Simply for being him. He's got all the arrogance and as was seen in his match at Survive and Conquer he has some level of skill even if it's not as much as he likes to make it out to be. So who will come out on top at Asylum? Will Odin Balfore, the man who came so close to becoming Suicidal Champion stand tall and proud over the Asylum Kingdom, his boot pressed on its chest like he did to Arcadia?
Or will the Pro Life Era continue with Callahan as its champion? The man with manic psychosis grandiose is riding high with that title for now but only after taking a near five minute kicking in from The Nordic Tank and getting a timely distraction from Phil Atken. And while Callahan acts smug and confident deep down he's a coward who will try anything to ensure victory.
Michael Callahan: Helloooooooo Callahan Fans, it is I, live, from my fortified nuclear bunker basement den in the beautiful town of Kelso, Washington, coming to you with another one of my block rocking beats. Seriously though, it is a glorious day here at Planet Callahan. As you have all no doubt seen from my first video blog I have a lovely collection of ornaments scattered around my basement including collectible Futurama action figures, a Fallout 3 lunch box, a signed, framed photograph of myself sharing a hand shake with your hero and mine, Rick Santorum and of course my priceless Ming vase in the corner over there but today, I have a brand new ornament that is never going to see the light of day again outside of my house. Allow me to show you.
And with that Callahan once again goes on tour, picking up the camcorder off the top of his monitor and taking it with him over to the living area of his basement den which as always is unusually tidy for a straight man. He positions the camera to the new wallmount over his couch and strapped to the wall is his brand new Action Packed Wrestling Suicide Championship.
Michael Callahan: This championship belt here made from faux leather, yeah, that'll make those petulant hippies at PETA happy, and plastic painted to look like gold was salvaged from the ruins of what was once known as Asylum, a sub-brand of nationwide wrestling phenomena “Action Packed Wrestling”. A sub-brand which might I add is massively inferior to the absolute vast wealth of talent that you can find on APW's flagship show, Overdrive. This belt I believe was symbolic to the naïve, ehr-, native cave slugs that used to dwell in the rat infested relic of Asylum and people, men and women far less educated and skilled than us in modern civilization would batter each other with brute strength and hammers as this championship apparently held great value to these philistines.
Callahan's eyes get narrow and his voice gets huskier as he attempts to sound like some weird presenter from a history documentary, the irony of a Republican who's lifestyle is wrapped in antiquated traditions criticising Asylum and describing them as a pre-civilisation lost on The American Hero.
Michael Callahan: However, that was ancient history. That all changed when a great man explored what many believed to be an ancient site lost forever. That man was me, Michael Callahan and after years and years of simplistic and obnoxious, primal forms of fighting I arrived and showed them a higher form of combat. While previously they had been crudely using whatever furniture they could find as a weapon I was able to show them the light with such advanced moves as the three quarter facelock bulldog, or “Landslide Election” which I executed several times with aplomb. In the end, they simply threw the title at me and ran, absolutely paralysed with fear at my highly advanced wrestling abilities.
As Callahan's story gets more and more ludicrous his features start to crack and his own amusement shines through with his stern face weakens into a smirk, the occasional laugh coming out. Then at the end he suddenly straightens up having had a chuckle at Asylum's expense.
Michael Callahan: So maybe that isn't quite how it went down. Maybe I was the first man in a gauntlet match of five and was forced to wrestle non-stop for twenty minutes. And maybe I was crowned Interim a grand total of three times, more than any other competitor. Odin Balfore pinned three people too, but he pinned a woman which doesn't really count regaardless of whether she was champion going into the match. Also, I only got pinned once. Which is less than can be said for Odin Balfore who got pinned like a hundred times in the match. And then of course there's the final item to note, the fact that I scored a pinfall with no less than SIX, SECONDS on the clock remaining. Some say I stole the win, I say I should be applauded for timing my victory right the end like the true consummate professional I am.
To emphasise the point he holds up six fingers to the camera, a huge grin on his face as he gets to recount the story of his so-called “domination”, a match where he got pasted by Odin Balfore at the end for five minutes before Phil Atken distracted him by pelting him with a tin of beans allowing Callahan to score a last second Landslide Election for the victory. As we all know Callahan is a man who can not live without tooting his own horn.
Michael Callahan: I mean the match really could not have gone better. Arcadia was as usual, unreliable. Her relevance was finished about as quickly as Bill Clinton during the Monica Lewinsky scandal. And as for Manhattan White? If it were not for the fact that he were the only person to pin me, to which I retain was a fast count might I add, I would not have even realised he were there. So minor was his role in the match after all. Then after Atken hilariously handcuffed himself to the ring rope it was a no holds barred one on one between myself and Mr. Balfore which I must stress, dominated. As I promised. With a well executed plan I pulled out the victory and won a title in my first match, a feat so far unmatched and never will be here in APW.
Could one man be any more arrogant? To anyone paying attention Manhattan White was a clear fore-runner for winning the match until the interference of two extremely violent individuals, Irish Pete and Happy Pete. Arcadia was sadly mutilated at the hands of Odin Balfore too and he clearly cares little, assuming her lack of participation to be as a result of laziness rather than being thrown through tables and barb wire.
Michael Callahan: Now I thought that by winning my match with such an elegant yet apparent dominance that I would be granted the first Asylum back to rest. I was expecting a message from Reginald Schmidt on my answer phone saying “Nice going buddy, you really proved your point. You showed all those doubters who's boss.” However apparently that's just a fantasy in my head. Instead I have to go through another slog-fest with the incredibly boring, creativity stifling individual known as Odin Balfore once more. Because apparently it wasn't obvious enough that I was the better man on the night, the way I physically dissected him for all to see at Survive and Conquer. Oh no, apparently my win six seconds from the end was a fluke rather than a master stroke that realised my dreams of becoming the champion of Suicide.
He rolls his eyes, annoyed by this apparent misconception.
Michael Callahan: So as a result of this I have to take on “The Nordic Tank” again. Well let's chat about him shall I? You have been here longer than me, not by much but I have already achieved more than you ever will in your entire career. You have a lot of fans though, which is weird, and you like to say “The battle is already won”! Are you high? This isn't 800AD, this is not some far flung snowy peak in Scandinavia and you are not some Viking warrior god. This is the modern day and size and strength do not determine your success in wrestling any more. Wrestling is more akin to a democracy these days with the recipient of the popular vote being the high rise superstar that gets top billing. And let's face it, who deserves that title more than me, the duly elected wrestling representative?
Once again living in his own fantasy land, The American Hero seems to think that everybody loves him. It's apparently not the case.
Michael Callahan: You may have the Norse Gods on your side but I have the true Christian God and an army of loyal constituents backing my every decision as their in-ring leader. If you think you are going to take this Suicidal Championship away from me then you are dead wrong. I bet it bothers you more than most that I am pro-life, doesn't it? We all know the stories of the vikings plundering and pillaging, looting and raping and burning everything down! You probably burn babies in your spare time and serve them up for lunch! An all new meaning to baby back ribs! You do! Don't you! You monster! You are after all an uneducated ogre from Texas! Though maybe you'd be better suited out in some Swedish back country, away from their creepy, cutesy-wootsie, money grabbing socialist infrastructure.
Racist too? Sounds more tea party than anything. The zeal of Callahan is apparent as he rants and raves, his massive generalisations no doubt going to inflame Odin.
Michael Callahan: And come Asylum you will see why I am better than you in every single way. You may very well be some warrior hero like you claim to be but I am superior because I am an AMERICAN hero, which equates to roughly eight point ninety six times the level of hero that a Viking hero has. I have class and intelligence, qualities that you know absolutely nothing about. Sure, you have the capacity to grunt as well as swing at me like a Mongol warrior with heat stroke but in the end you are going to fall victim to the Victory Lock just like everyone else. Just like you should've done at Survive and Conquer. I will prove myself to be a fighting champion and once again show everybody that I am a man who does exactly what he says he's going to despite the doubters. You may not know what an election is you'd be wise to remember that a vote for Callahan is a vote for victory! Cya Sunday, Odin.
And with that it cuts to an end. It seems like Callahan's ignorance is unlimited. In the space of about five minutes he has insulted the Swedish, Texans, Mongolia and Scandinavia in general as well as giving himself the worlds allocation of ego boost simply for being American. Simply for being him. He's got all the arrogance and as was seen in his match at Survive and Conquer he has some level of skill even if it's not as much as he likes to make it out to be. So who will come out on top at Asylum? Will Odin Balfore, the man who came so close to becoming Suicidal Champion stand tall and proud over the Asylum Kingdom, his boot pressed on its chest like he did to Arcadia?
Or will the Pro Life Era continue with Callahan as its champion? The man with manic psychosis grandiose is riding high with that title for now but only after taking a near five minute kicking in from The Nordic Tank and getting a timely distraction from Phil Atken. And while Callahan acts smug and confident deep down he's a coward who will try anything to ensure victory.
