Post by Thunderkiss on Feb 14, 2012 21:24:16 GMT -4
[As the old adage says, "for every end there is a new beginning." If you have walked upon this Earth for many years then you have likely experienced this first hand - some more than others. As he lays on an examination table deliberately shoved in a secluded area of a cold, damp arena, the man called Thunderkiss begins to wonder if this is the theme of his life. He has been around the block a few times in this business and just when he thinks he is ready to find a new sidewalk to walk on, he decides to go around for another spin. Many believe that if you want to be in this business you have to have it in your blood, an undying feeling of always desiring to perform within the squared circle. A "calling" if you will. Thunderkiss doesn't believe this; he lives it. Just when he contemplated living the rest of his life as a normal, human being, he was "called" once more to spew the havoc and chaos that will satisfy his often out-of-control psyche. But before more bones, spirits and lives can be crushed, there is the matter of this per-employment physical ... ]
Doctor: Alright, Thunderkiss, everything has checked out fine. The last thing I am going to need from you is a sample of your urine for a routine analysis.
Thunderkiss: Well good to know that my ticker is still ticking. I can't begin to tell you how much money I have cost people who picked me in their death pools. Bunch of crackerjacks. But say, doc, let's just skip that piss test 'cause the tap is out of water, if you know what I mean. The Thunderman is a little dehydrated this morning.
Doctor: That's understandable, take as much time as you need. Water fountain is over there.
Thunderkiss: Yeahhhhhhhhhhh, I don't think we are speaking the same language, doc. I am just not good at .... you know .... whizzing on command. I know, embarrassing, right?
Doctor: Legally, this company will not touch you with a ten foot pole unless you pass their wellness tests. You've been in this business for a long time, surely you know the ramifications if something were to happen to you while you were performing? I am inferring through our conversation here that perhaps your blood stream may not be ... perhaps ... on the level?
Thunderkiss: No, no. I'm good, doc. Trust me. I am "straightdope" as the hipsters call it. If you want a golden shower, so be it! Gotta warn you, though. I can't hit the broad side the barn so you better back yourself up and out of here.
Doctor *looking uncomfortable*: Sorry, I cannot leave this area to prevent possible tampering of your sample. Not that you do such a thing, of course.
Thunderkiss: Of course.
[Anger beseeches him. How dare this simpleton mock his honesty? So what if he graduated medical school? Does a piece of paper with his name on it make him a better person than himself? No. There is a natural pecking order in this world despite human kind's best effort to bring it civility. It is time the good doctor be reminded of this. Another thing about Thunderkiss, he may pass himself off as just another dumb jock but do not make that mistake of judging him as. Many have and regret it to this very day. This morning before he even arrived he did his homework just in case this situation were to play itself out as it has. Every angle is covered in his world, every.]
Thunderkiss: Doctor, you happen to live on 2389 Pine Street, correct?
Doctor *looking surprised*: Ah ... yes?
Thunderkiss: And you have been happily married to your wife Beth for about 5 years, correct?
Doctor *now looking nervous*: Yes, please, what are you trying to get at?
Thunderkiss: Oh yes, she is a very pretty woman, that Beth. Saw the pictures this morning. Gotta say, you married out of your league doc but then again I guess woman don't care about looks when you got yourself a few mil in the bank, right? Now I am going to say this one more time - I ain't getting no piss test. You get what you need to get and you sign what you gotta sign, but you are not stopping me from going out there.
Doctor: Are you trying to threaten my family?
Thunderkiss: As you said it, doc, I have been around in this business for a long time and I can tell you've done your homework on me as I've done to you. You've heard the rumors, haven't you? Well let me let you in on a little secret, they're all true. Every one of them. And if you do not wish your beloved little Beth to have a dick from one of my insane followers shoved so far up her ass that she'll be puking up semen, I'd suggest you take this here cup, go into the stalls right over there, find a toilet with yellow liquid floating in it and scoop. Do I make myself clear?
Doctor: Yes.
Thunderkiss *smiling*: Good.
[And with that, the green light has been lit and entry has been gained. Hours pass and along with them comes paperwork, litigation and promotional photo shoots. All the while Thunderkiss salivates as his chance to finally stand in front of a camera, beat on his chest and shout down from the mountain "I'm back." Good things come to those who wait and finally the time has arrived.]
Interviewer: Thunderkiss, welcome to APW. It has been many a year since the wrestling world has bore witness to your presence. There has been much speculation abound on your motivation to climb out of retirement and back into the ring. Can we get the truth and nothing but the truth straight from the horses mouth?
Thunderkiss: The fat asses who sit behind computer screens all day would have you believe that I have returned because I am broke or to garner more fame to satisfy my so called "attention whorish" ways. So yes, let's hear it straight from the horses mouth instead of from the greasy, cheeseburger laden finger tips of guys who have inverted penises inside their jelly rolls. My reason is because I was simply bored.
Interviewer: Bored?
Thunderkiss: Yes, bored. I tried to live a normal life, I really did. You know, not being on the road 200 plus days a year, not tearing muscles and ligaments from my body, not having bed bugs crawling up my ass in the Motel Six, the whole nine, brother. I gotta admit, it was amusing at first but as time went out I was going out of mind. Wrestling is my drug and I am addicted, what more can I say?
Interviewer: Oh I think you've made your intentions perfectly clear. TK, you seem to be very knowledgeable about your critics so it should come to you as no surprise to hear the scuttlebutt about you having a lot of ring rust on -
Thunderkiss *interrupting*: Do I look rusty to you?
[Thunderkiss takes a step back and brings forth one of his patented poses. His monstrous girth does cause the interviewer to do a second take. Surely this cannot be natural?]
Thunderkiss: Like fine wine I only get better with age, son.
Interviewer: I guess we'll see. You'll certainly have the chance to prove it against the talent that this origination has to offer. During your absence, I can attest from my years of watching and reporting on this sport that the competition has only gotten younger and after during your absence.
Thunderkiss: Competition? More like play things. Yeah, I've scoped the roster alright and let me tell you something, son, what you proclaim as "All Stars" are basically the poster children for what has been wrong with this business for the past few years, mediocrity. Mediocrity and the emasculation of men. Look, I don't put highlights in my hair. I don't lay in a tanning bed. I don't put hoses up my butthole to clean my colon. I don't manscape. Manscaping ... *scoff* ... the thought of men actually raising a razor to their body to remove hair acutely makes me want to vomit. What have we come to in this world? Men shaving their crotch? You'll never see me do something like that. Oh no, I got a big ol' bush full of pubes that rivals ZZ Top's beards! Don't believe? Here, let me show you.
[Much to the dismay of everyone in sight, Thunderkiss drops his trousers exposing his nether region. APW, fully aware of their new acquisition and his history, is fully prepared for such an incident as the cameras fade to black seconds before the money shot. Though those watching at home are spared from seeing a sight reminiscent of a 1970's pornographic film, those in the interview room are not as lucky. Soon the liners of every trash container in sight are filled with the contents of today's lunch as Thunderkiss continues his tirade.]
Thunderkiss: BEHOLD ... MY WICKED GARDEN! LOOK AT IT! MAKES YOU FEEL INADEQUATE .. DOESN'T IT?!
Interviewer: Look, buddy, you better put that away and go read the company handbook. There is a byline about this, I'm sure.
Thunderkiss: Fine, fine, spoil sport. But you see, this is what separates me from the rest of the boys. And boys is the key term. A bunch of sissy, little boys. Look at the men from a few decades ago. They fixed their own cars. They did their own home improvements. Their idea of a leisurely activity was going fishing or hunting. Nowadays? Men, or boys rather, sit on their fat asses playing video games all day or looking at pornography on the computer. Hey, that's all fine with me, it makes it just that much easier to take their money, take their women and take their fame. But they better never, ever, talk to me as if I were their equals. You have your place in life and I have mine. Just work on your neck muscles, APW, you'll need to get used to looking up at me.
[FADE]
Doctor: Alright, Thunderkiss, everything has checked out fine. The last thing I am going to need from you is a sample of your urine for a routine analysis.
Thunderkiss: Well good to know that my ticker is still ticking. I can't begin to tell you how much money I have cost people who picked me in their death pools. Bunch of crackerjacks. But say, doc, let's just skip that piss test 'cause the tap is out of water, if you know what I mean. The Thunderman is a little dehydrated this morning.
Doctor: That's understandable, take as much time as you need. Water fountain is over there.
Thunderkiss: Yeahhhhhhhhhhh, I don't think we are speaking the same language, doc. I am just not good at .... you know .... whizzing on command. I know, embarrassing, right?
Doctor: Legally, this company will not touch you with a ten foot pole unless you pass their wellness tests. You've been in this business for a long time, surely you know the ramifications if something were to happen to you while you were performing? I am inferring through our conversation here that perhaps your blood stream may not be ... perhaps ... on the level?
Gottathinkgottathinkgottathink ... BINGO
Thunderkiss: No, no. I'm good, doc. Trust me. I am "straightdope" as the hipsters call it. If you want a golden shower, so be it! Gotta warn you, though. I can't hit the broad side the barn so you better back yourself up and out of here.
Doctor *looking uncomfortable*: Sorry, I cannot leave this area to prevent possible tampering of your sample. Not that you do such a thing, of course.
Thunderkiss: Of course.
[Anger beseeches him. How dare this simpleton mock his honesty? So what if he graduated medical school? Does a piece of paper with his name on it make him a better person than himself? No. There is a natural pecking order in this world despite human kind's best effort to bring it civility. It is time the good doctor be reminded of this. Another thing about Thunderkiss, he may pass himself off as just another dumb jock but do not make that mistake of judging him as. Many have and regret it to this very day. This morning before he even arrived he did his homework just in case this situation were to play itself out as it has. Every angle is covered in his world, every.]
Thunderkiss: Doctor, you happen to live on 2389 Pine Street, correct?
Doctor *looking surprised*: Ah ... yes?
Thunderkiss: And you have been happily married to your wife Beth for about 5 years, correct?
Doctor *now looking nervous*: Yes, please, what are you trying to get at?
Thunderkiss: Oh yes, she is a very pretty woman, that Beth. Saw the pictures this morning. Gotta say, you married out of your league doc but then again I guess woman don't care about looks when you got yourself a few mil in the bank, right? Now I am going to say this one more time - I ain't getting no piss test. You get what you need to get and you sign what you gotta sign, but you are not stopping me from going out there.
Doctor: Are you trying to threaten my family?
Thunderkiss: As you said it, doc, I have been around in this business for a long time and I can tell you've done your homework on me as I've done to you. You've heard the rumors, haven't you? Well let me let you in on a little secret, they're all true. Every one of them. And if you do not wish your beloved little Beth to have a dick from one of my insane followers shoved so far up her ass that she'll be puking up semen, I'd suggest you take this here cup, go into the stalls right over there, find a toilet with yellow liquid floating in it and scoop. Do I make myself clear?
Doctor: Yes.
Thunderkiss *smiling*: Good.
[And with that, the green light has been lit and entry has been gained. Hours pass and along with them comes paperwork, litigation and promotional photo shoots. All the while Thunderkiss salivates as his chance to finally stand in front of a camera, beat on his chest and shout down from the mountain "I'm back." Good things come to those who wait and finally the time has arrived.]
Interviewer: Thunderkiss, welcome to APW. It has been many a year since the wrestling world has bore witness to your presence. There has been much speculation abound on your motivation to climb out of retirement and back into the ring. Can we get the truth and nothing but the truth straight from the horses mouth?
Thunderkiss: The fat asses who sit behind computer screens all day would have you believe that I have returned because I am broke or to garner more fame to satisfy my so called "attention whorish" ways. So yes, let's hear it straight from the horses mouth instead of from the greasy, cheeseburger laden finger tips of guys who have inverted penises inside their jelly rolls. My reason is because I was simply bored.
Interviewer: Bored?
Thunderkiss: Yes, bored. I tried to live a normal life, I really did. You know, not being on the road 200 plus days a year, not tearing muscles and ligaments from my body, not having bed bugs crawling up my ass in the Motel Six, the whole nine, brother. I gotta admit, it was amusing at first but as time went out I was going out of mind. Wrestling is my drug and I am addicted, what more can I say?
Interviewer: Oh I think you've made your intentions perfectly clear. TK, you seem to be very knowledgeable about your critics so it should come to you as no surprise to hear the scuttlebutt about you having a lot of ring rust on -
Thunderkiss *interrupting*: Do I look rusty to you?
[Thunderkiss takes a step back and brings forth one of his patented poses. His monstrous girth does cause the interviewer to do a second take. Surely this cannot be natural?]
Thunderkiss: Like fine wine I only get better with age, son.
Interviewer: I guess we'll see. You'll certainly have the chance to prove it against the talent that this origination has to offer. During your absence, I can attest from my years of watching and reporting on this sport that the competition has only gotten younger and after during your absence.
Thunderkiss: Competition? More like play things. Yeah, I've scoped the roster alright and let me tell you something, son, what you proclaim as "All Stars" are basically the poster children for what has been wrong with this business for the past few years, mediocrity. Mediocrity and the emasculation of men. Look, I don't put highlights in my hair. I don't lay in a tanning bed. I don't put hoses up my butthole to clean my colon. I don't manscape. Manscaping ... *scoff* ... the thought of men actually raising a razor to their body to remove hair acutely makes me want to vomit. What have we come to in this world? Men shaving their crotch? You'll never see me do something like that. Oh no, I got a big ol' bush full of pubes that rivals ZZ Top's beards! Don't believe? Here, let me show you.
[Much to the dismay of everyone in sight, Thunderkiss drops his trousers exposing his nether region. APW, fully aware of their new acquisition and his history, is fully prepared for such an incident as the cameras fade to black seconds before the money shot. Though those watching at home are spared from seeing a sight reminiscent of a 1970's pornographic film, those in the interview room are not as lucky. Soon the liners of every trash container in sight are filled with the contents of today's lunch as Thunderkiss continues his tirade.]
Thunderkiss: BEHOLD ... MY WICKED GARDEN! LOOK AT IT! MAKES YOU FEEL INADEQUATE .. DOESN'T IT?!
Interviewer: Look, buddy, you better put that away and go read the company handbook. There is a byline about this, I'm sure.
Thunderkiss: Fine, fine, spoil sport. But you see, this is what separates me from the rest of the boys. And boys is the key term. A bunch of sissy, little boys. Look at the men from a few decades ago. They fixed their own cars. They did their own home improvements. Their idea of a leisurely activity was going fishing or hunting. Nowadays? Men, or boys rather, sit on their fat asses playing video games all day or looking at pornography on the computer. Hey, that's all fine with me, it makes it just that much easier to take their money, take their women and take their fame. But they better never, ever, talk to me as if I were their equals. You have your place in life and I have mine. Just work on your neck muscles, APW, you'll need to get used to looking up at me.
[FADE]
