Post by Michael Callahan on Feb 23, 2012 17:54:55 GMT -4
Once again we're regrettably back in the fortified nuclear bunker in Michael Callahan's basement and today he's decided to take a day out of his busy politicking and training schedule to play some video games. It's a rare novelty he does not get often but with his bi-weekly wrestling schedule and only working for the RNC on a Monday to Saturday basis he can afford a glorious Sunday off once in a while. Though usually he prefers to go get a round of golf in because he's pretentious as Hell.
Michael Callahan: So I was checking the hits on my youtube videos, which might I add are “going gorillas” and I stumbled across this thing called 4 Player Podcast. It's a web-stream where a bunch of college students play online games and stream their antics for the amusement of others. I figure if they can do that and get a huge following, why can't I? I could even combine my blog into it so instead of youtube, this episode of Callahan's web-blog is being streamed live from Justin.tv! So let's go!
He turns and sits down picking up his controller ready to play a game.
Michael Callahan: Now today we're playing FIFA 12. Shocker right? Figured I'd be a Madden guy? Believe it or not I'm actually a life-long fan of Premier League soccer. I have bought the home shirt for my favourite team, Chelsea for the last five years. Why? They remind me of me. Loaded, classy and just lacking the right push to break them through to the top tier and winning the whole season. Now I've been put into a game with a player called “ThugShadow55”, lemme just get my head set on.
He starts fumbling with his Turtle Beach headset before pulling the microphone down to his mouth. It'd been a while since he'd used this.
Michael Callahan: ThugShadow55? Can you hear me?
The reply he gets is a harsh English voice. It was thick, deep, aggressive and particularly Southern. He almost sounded a little like Dan Quinn!
ThugShadow55: What do you want you yank scum?
Michael Callahan: To play some good ol' fashioned soccer. No need for the insults there buddy.
ThugShadow55: Are you bent or something? Because from where I'm sat, you sound remarkably bent right now.
Michael Callahan: I'm a God-fearing, Christian American with a fiancé, a career and a home. I'm not “bent” in the slightest. You are awfully rude, ThugShadow55.
There's a brief pause followed by a heavy exhalation of breath from the Englishman that Callahan is playing against.
ThugShadow55: Call me Craig.
Michael Callahan: Sure, okay Craig. My name is Michael. So what team are you playing as?
ThugShadow55: Aston Villa. My local team. Y'know your voice sounds awfully familiar. You sound like this right cunt off the telly. His name is Michael as well.
Michael Callahan: What's his second name?
ThugShadow55: Callahan I think. He's this proper religious nut who hates hardcore wrestling. I hate him. Hope he dies in real life.
Callahan's eyes go as wide as plates at the abuse he's taking from his soccering rival. I mean I'll admit, it's probably deserved but Callahan thinks he's gods gift and to have death wished upon him is a little harsh.
Michael Callahan: Can I shock you?
ThugShadow55: Oh God, you're not the real Michael Callahan are you? As if I could be that unlucky to draw you out out of like what, the hundred thousand people playing FIFA online right now.
Michael Callahan: I don't much appreciate your tone but yeah, it's me.
ThugShadow55: I'll be honest, I kinda' figured that out from the offset. Don't really know anyone sad enough to set their gamertag as “Wrepresentative”.
Callahan goes a little red in the face and tries to stifle a laugh, dropping his head. He's getting made a monkey of by this Brit and he's not much appreciating it but he's got a point.
Michael Callahan: Well you're rude.
ThugShadow55: I'm sorry. I just don't like religious people. And I was a big fan of Xtreme Pro Wrestling back in the day and I don't really appreciate a cock like you trying to ruin the brilliance of hardcore wrestling like you're doing in Asylum. You're messing with an art form.
Uhoh. Pressure point alert. “Craig”, ThugShadow55 has gone and set off Callahan who immediately gets up on the defensive at the accusations levied against him by this surly Englishman.
Michael Callahan: Messing with an art form? Oh no. Don't you dare say that to me. I'm not tampering with anything. I'm saving the true art of purist professional wrestling that I grew up worshipping from the corruption of people like Katrina Olivetti and Odin Balfore, philistines who think a chair to the head is what makes a good wrestling match. I proved that last week when I defeated The Nordic Tank by choking him unconscious in an epic display.
ThugShadow55: Only after you broke your own rules and hit him with a hammer.
Michael Callahan: Did I look like I had a choice out there? It was either that or get murdered by a disgusting baby killing freak. And-oh what a block from David Luiz! David Luiz, do you know who he reminds me of?
ThugShadow55: I'm sure you're going to enlighten me.
Michael Callahan: When I play David Luiz he kicks ass because I'm controlling him. In real life though he reminds me of Phil Atken. Bumbling, out of synch with the rest of the players on the field and abjectly useless beyond any comparison. Above all else though? They have awful hair. Phil Atken has the edge over Luiz because let's face it, an afro is going to be worse than any other hairstyle ever but I'm genuinely convinced that the only reason Atken has a job is because of affirmative action and some contract stating that we need an employee with albinism. Blessed knows that he can't wrestle worth a damn. I mean, did he stick a fork in an electrical socket or something? He wrestles like he's had shock therapy.
There's another brief pause as Craig processes the molten hot tirade that Callahan is throwing to him.
ThugShadow55: Are you cutting a promo over Xbox Live to me? That's really sad.
Another awkward pause. Callahan's social inadequacy really knows no limits.
Michael Callahan: Yes, yes I am.
ThugShadow55: Fair enough.
Michael Callahan; Ignoring the haircut, I could compare him to your ”star” striker, England's beloved Emile Heskey. Some would hail him, sarcastically, as a God of football. The truth of the matter is that despite his apparent awfulness he still ends up getting capped for England and playing for a middle of the table team in the best league in the world. Phil Atken is exactly the same. He comes out with disappointment after disappointment but somehow manages to hang onto his place by the skin of his teeth. Why? Because he's a novelty. Him and Heskey. They're both gimmicks that sell t-shirts and merch, get people interested even though they're useless. The problem is that wrestling is not an industry that should be built around novelties and neither is football. They both need to be cut loose.
There's another understandably heavy sigh from ThugShadow who is already getting bored by the arrogance on display by Callahan.
ThugShadow55: I can't believe you just compared a wrestling lightbulb to the blackest man in football. You really need help.
Michael Callahan: No, no, I'm fine. I'm now 1-0 thanks to Torres. My other opponent is Mitsubishi Satsuma, a Japanese wrestler that nobody has ever heard of. He reminds me of Manchester United's Park Ji-Sung, not because he's Asian but because he's so feeble that he can scarcely kick a ball without landing on his rump. To put me in a match against Heihachi Mishima just seems imbalanced. We all know I'm the American Hero but when do you ever hear of a Japanese hero? Except for maybe Hiro from Heroes, God that's a tongue twister. But Hiro from Heroes isn't real. I am. I'm Michael Callahan. And let me tell you now, Chow Yun Fat doesn't have a slither of a hope of a chance of a look in at beating me a week today!
ThugShadow55: Equaliser from Darren Bent! And how racist do you want to be?
Callahan deliberately ignores both conceding a goal to ThugShadow and also the question direct towards his name-calling of Isamu Suzuki and continues to rant.
Michael Callahan: Then of course finally there's Julius Farquhar who I compare to Manchester City's Mario Balotelli. We've all heard the stories about the crazy Italian who apparently set fire to his house simply because he had too much money. Or how he gave one thousand British pounds sterling to a homeless man and paid off late book debts for a local university just because he can. It's that kind of mentality that you'd expect from a man who picks a fight with another man because he disagrees with the way in which tea should be prepared.
ThugShadow55: To be fair though Mike, he's right. Milk before water is horrific. You'd have to be Scottish to think of something like that.
Michael Callahan: Well let me put it to you like this Craig. I prefer coffee to tea. In fact I don't even like milk with my hot drinks. I prefer my coffee black with two sugars. I don't like fish and chips, I'd rather just have a burger and fries. I don't give a monkey's about “jam”, I will damn well have peanut butter and jelly sandwiches without fear of judgement from my British compatriots. I will gladly fill up my Mercedes Benz with gas, damned what anyone thinks and if I want to pick up a sweet treat for my fiancé I won't be going to a “sweet shop” but to a “candy store”. I don't like sushi rolls. I don't like “crisps” and “biscuits”. I don't like His Imperial Majesty Emperor Hirohito, I don't like Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth the Second and I don't like whoever runs that cesspool Scotland. So let me tell you what I DO like.
Callahan stands up, fixated on the screen now as he tries desperately to prevent his British adversary from scoring another goal against him but lo and behold, the man he just criticised Emile Heskey gets one past him.
Michael Callahan: I like democracy and the right to choose my head of state. I like not having to bow down to so namby pamby, unelected official who absorbs an inordinate amount of wealth from the tax treasury with their only claim to legitimacy being that they were lucky enough to pass through the right cervix! I like going to a dive coffee shop on the corner of Fifth Avenue and listening to some whining hipster with a beret complain about how her favourite band is becoming mainstream because by golly, as an American citizen she has the right to criticise if she chooses! But do you know what I like most of all? I LOVE the fact that I'm an American Hero, the life-blood that makes this nation great! That no matter what international train wrecks they throw at me, by the Grace of God I will come out truly victorious. I love that I can once again hold true to the timeless axiom, a vote for Callahan is well and truly a vote for victory!
Callahan has some stinging words as usual for his opponents but will he be able to back them up come this Sunday at Asylum? Only time will tell. It would seem so far that Callahan's only victories have come through VIA sheer fluke but then Callahan would argue it was skill at the peak moment that bought him his victories we'll just have to see how it all pans out at Asylum.
Michael Callahan: So I was checking the hits on my youtube videos, which might I add are “going gorillas” and I stumbled across this thing called 4 Player Podcast. It's a web-stream where a bunch of college students play online games and stream their antics for the amusement of others. I figure if they can do that and get a huge following, why can't I? I could even combine my blog into it so instead of youtube, this episode of Callahan's web-blog is being streamed live from Justin.tv! So let's go!
He turns and sits down picking up his controller ready to play a game.
Michael Callahan: Now today we're playing FIFA 12. Shocker right? Figured I'd be a Madden guy? Believe it or not I'm actually a life-long fan of Premier League soccer. I have bought the home shirt for my favourite team, Chelsea for the last five years. Why? They remind me of me. Loaded, classy and just lacking the right push to break them through to the top tier and winning the whole season. Now I've been put into a game with a player called “ThugShadow55”, lemme just get my head set on.
He starts fumbling with his Turtle Beach headset before pulling the microphone down to his mouth. It'd been a while since he'd used this.
Michael Callahan: ThugShadow55? Can you hear me?
The reply he gets is a harsh English voice. It was thick, deep, aggressive and particularly Southern. He almost sounded a little like Dan Quinn!
ThugShadow55: What do you want you yank scum?
Michael Callahan: To play some good ol' fashioned soccer. No need for the insults there buddy.
ThugShadow55: Are you bent or something? Because from where I'm sat, you sound remarkably bent right now.
Michael Callahan: I'm a God-fearing, Christian American with a fiancé, a career and a home. I'm not “bent” in the slightest. You are awfully rude, ThugShadow55.
There's a brief pause followed by a heavy exhalation of breath from the Englishman that Callahan is playing against.
ThugShadow55: Call me Craig.
Michael Callahan: Sure, okay Craig. My name is Michael. So what team are you playing as?
ThugShadow55: Aston Villa. My local team. Y'know your voice sounds awfully familiar. You sound like this right cunt off the telly. His name is Michael as well.
Michael Callahan: What's his second name?
ThugShadow55: Callahan I think. He's this proper religious nut who hates hardcore wrestling. I hate him. Hope he dies in real life.
Callahan's eyes go as wide as plates at the abuse he's taking from his soccering rival. I mean I'll admit, it's probably deserved but Callahan thinks he's gods gift and to have death wished upon him is a little harsh.
Michael Callahan: Can I shock you?
ThugShadow55: Oh God, you're not the real Michael Callahan are you? As if I could be that unlucky to draw you out out of like what, the hundred thousand people playing FIFA online right now.
Michael Callahan: I don't much appreciate your tone but yeah, it's me.
ThugShadow55: I'll be honest, I kinda' figured that out from the offset. Don't really know anyone sad enough to set their gamertag as “Wrepresentative”.
Callahan goes a little red in the face and tries to stifle a laugh, dropping his head. He's getting made a monkey of by this Brit and he's not much appreciating it but he's got a point.
Michael Callahan: Well you're rude.
ThugShadow55: I'm sorry. I just don't like religious people. And I was a big fan of Xtreme Pro Wrestling back in the day and I don't really appreciate a cock like you trying to ruin the brilliance of hardcore wrestling like you're doing in Asylum. You're messing with an art form.
Uhoh. Pressure point alert. “Craig”, ThugShadow55 has gone and set off Callahan who immediately gets up on the defensive at the accusations levied against him by this surly Englishman.
Michael Callahan: Messing with an art form? Oh no. Don't you dare say that to me. I'm not tampering with anything. I'm saving the true art of purist professional wrestling that I grew up worshipping from the corruption of people like Katrina Olivetti and Odin Balfore, philistines who think a chair to the head is what makes a good wrestling match. I proved that last week when I defeated The Nordic Tank by choking him unconscious in an epic display.
ThugShadow55: Only after you broke your own rules and hit him with a hammer.
Michael Callahan: Did I look like I had a choice out there? It was either that or get murdered by a disgusting baby killing freak. And-oh what a block from David Luiz! David Luiz, do you know who he reminds me of?
ThugShadow55: I'm sure you're going to enlighten me.
Michael Callahan: When I play David Luiz he kicks ass because I'm controlling him. In real life though he reminds me of Phil Atken. Bumbling, out of synch with the rest of the players on the field and abjectly useless beyond any comparison. Above all else though? They have awful hair. Phil Atken has the edge over Luiz because let's face it, an afro is going to be worse than any other hairstyle ever but I'm genuinely convinced that the only reason Atken has a job is because of affirmative action and some contract stating that we need an employee with albinism. Blessed knows that he can't wrestle worth a damn. I mean, did he stick a fork in an electrical socket or something? He wrestles like he's had shock therapy.
There's another brief pause as Craig processes the molten hot tirade that Callahan is throwing to him.
ThugShadow55: Are you cutting a promo over Xbox Live to me? That's really sad.
Another awkward pause. Callahan's social inadequacy really knows no limits.
Michael Callahan: Yes, yes I am.
ThugShadow55: Fair enough.
Michael Callahan; Ignoring the haircut, I could compare him to your ”star” striker, England's beloved Emile Heskey. Some would hail him, sarcastically, as a God of football. The truth of the matter is that despite his apparent awfulness he still ends up getting capped for England and playing for a middle of the table team in the best league in the world. Phil Atken is exactly the same. He comes out with disappointment after disappointment but somehow manages to hang onto his place by the skin of his teeth. Why? Because he's a novelty. Him and Heskey. They're both gimmicks that sell t-shirts and merch, get people interested even though they're useless. The problem is that wrestling is not an industry that should be built around novelties and neither is football. They both need to be cut loose.
There's another understandably heavy sigh from ThugShadow who is already getting bored by the arrogance on display by Callahan.
ThugShadow55: I can't believe you just compared a wrestling lightbulb to the blackest man in football. You really need help.
Michael Callahan: No, no, I'm fine. I'm now 1-0 thanks to Torres. My other opponent is Mitsubishi Satsuma, a Japanese wrestler that nobody has ever heard of. He reminds me of Manchester United's Park Ji-Sung, not because he's Asian but because he's so feeble that he can scarcely kick a ball without landing on his rump. To put me in a match against Heihachi Mishima just seems imbalanced. We all know I'm the American Hero but when do you ever hear of a Japanese hero? Except for maybe Hiro from Heroes, God that's a tongue twister. But Hiro from Heroes isn't real. I am. I'm Michael Callahan. And let me tell you now, Chow Yun Fat doesn't have a slither of a hope of a chance of a look in at beating me a week today!
ThugShadow55: Equaliser from Darren Bent! And how racist do you want to be?
Callahan deliberately ignores both conceding a goal to ThugShadow and also the question direct towards his name-calling of Isamu Suzuki and continues to rant.
Michael Callahan: Then of course finally there's Julius Farquhar who I compare to Manchester City's Mario Balotelli. We've all heard the stories about the crazy Italian who apparently set fire to his house simply because he had too much money. Or how he gave one thousand British pounds sterling to a homeless man and paid off late book debts for a local university just because he can. It's that kind of mentality that you'd expect from a man who picks a fight with another man because he disagrees with the way in which tea should be prepared.
ThugShadow55: To be fair though Mike, he's right. Milk before water is horrific. You'd have to be Scottish to think of something like that.
Michael Callahan: Well let me put it to you like this Craig. I prefer coffee to tea. In fact I don't even like milk with my hot drinks. I prefer my coffee black with two sugars. I don't like fish and chips, I'd rather just have a burger and fries. I don't give a monkey's about “jam”, I will damn well have peanut butter and jelly sandwiches without fear of judgement from my British compatriots. I will gladly fill up my Mercedes Benz with gas, damned what anyone thinks and if I want to pick up a sweet treat for my fiancé I won't be going to a “sweet shop” but to a “candy store”. I don't like sushi rolls. I don't like “crisps” and “biscuits”. I don't like His Imperial Majesty Emperor Hirohito, I don't like Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth the Second and I don't like whoever runs that cesspool Scotland. So let me tell you what I DO like.
Callahan stands up, fixated on the screen now as he tries desperately to prevent his British adversary from scoring another goal against him but lo and behold, the man he just criticised Emile Heskey gets one past him.
Michael Callahan: I like democracy and the right to choose my head of state. I like not having to bow down to so namby pamby, unelected official who absorbs an inordinate amount of wealth from the tax treasury with their only claim to legitimacy being that they were lucky enough to pass through the right cervix! I like going to a dive coffee shop on the corner of Fifth Avenue and listening to some whining hipster with a beret complain about how her favourite band is becoming mainstream because by golly, as an American citizen she has the right to criticise if she chooses! But do you know what I like most of all? I LOVE the fact that I'm an American Hero, the life-blood that makes this nation great! That no matter what international train wrecks they throw at me, by the Grace of God I will come out truly victorious. I love that I can once again hold true to the timeless axiom, a vote for Callahan is well and truly a vote for victory!
Callahan has some stinging words as usual for his opponents but will he be able to back them up come this Sunday at Asylum? Only time will tell. It would seem so far that Callahan's only victories have come through VIA sheer fluke but then Callahan would argue it was skill at the peak moment that bought him his victories we'll just have to see how it all pans out at Asylum.
