Post by Jason Cashe on Mar 12, 2012 18:23:23 GMT -4
His hands stirring up a bowl of graham cracker crumbs, Jason Kash is standing inside of a Kitchen. The same kitchen that Giada De Laurentiis is often seen in during her show. Kash looks up at the camera as it approaches the counter.
Removing his hands from the bowl of crumbs, Kash turns and opens the oven. He pulls out a pan of chocolate already prepared. Each piece looks like swirled piles of dog shit, he slides the pan onto the counter and grabs a piece and pops it into his mouth. He laughs and looks to the side of the set. His smile drops into a frown as he stands up straight and a couple of men in Security Shirts step into the scene.
He takes off around the counter, grabbing the pan of Dog Shit Chocolate and begins flinging the "poo" towards the two security guards. To him The Food Network should have more love for the APW World Champion. Kash rounds the counter a few times before the guards split up and come at him from both directions. He stops and does a little shake before trying to juke one of them but as he goes around the guard, the other one pulls out a Taser Gun and shoots Kash in the ass from behind. The repeated snapping of the Taser going off has Kash stiff and arched at the backside before he collapses to the ground and goes into convulsions.
Moments later you see the Security Guards walking Kash's limp body out of the Home of Giada De Laurentiis. Down the drive way, off the curb and onto the street is where they finally toss him. His body hits the concrete but he looks back at the guards and makes a funny face at them, trying to mock them but still have some voltage in his system. He pushes slowly up to his feet and stumbles sideways as he searches his pockets for his keys. Getting to his car, sitting behind the wheel he takes a few deep breaths and finally gets to the point of what all of this was suppose to be about.
A sudden knock comes to the car window. He snaps a glance over to see one of the Security Guards leaned over and staring in the car at Kash. Turning the car key to turn the car on, Kash pushes the button to roll the window down.
Kash gets out of the car with his World Title that he grabbed off the passenger seat. The Security Guard pulls a pen out of his shirt pocket, his name tag is hooked onto the pocket. As Kash stands in front of him, he notices the guy's name is Nick and lets out a small heh. The Guard hands Kash the pen but quickly acting, Kash swift kicks the Security Guard in the nuts and he drops to the grass yard. Kash bends over and grabs the taser off the Guard's body and with the pen he rolls the security guard over and signs "Jason Kash" on the man's forehead and stabs a period at the end of his signature.
As the front door of the House opens and the other Security Guard comes out in a hurry, Kash gets into his car and with the car still on idle, he flips the engine on, puts it in Drive and takes off, tires screeching. Down the road about a quarter mile, Kash pulls off on the shoulder of the road. He turns off the car and gets out, slamming the car door. He reaches in the open window and rips the World Heavyweight Title out of the car. He walks to the front of the car and kicks an empty soda can.
He holds the 1 Million Volt Taser Gun up showing the camera as the expression on Kash's face is missing two upper front teeth, his tongue piercing sticking through the open gap. His eyes blankly looking directly into the camera as if looking right into his opponent's eyes. The scene slowly fades as the taser snaps on, the little blue line of OUCH is the focal point where the scene finally fades to black.
::Jason Kash::
Hello and Welcome to a Very Special Edition of what I'd like to call "Munchies With Kash!" Giada has allowed me to use her own Kitchen for my pilot episode and with any luck I can give her some special sauce a little later tonight! What I'm going to make today is Doggy Poo Chocolate bites!
Hello and Welcome to a Very Special Edition of what I'd like to call "Munchies With Kash!" Giada has allowed me to use her own Kitchen for my pilot episode and with any luck I can give her some special sauce a little later tonight! What I'm going to make today is Doggy Poo Chocolate bites!
Removing his hands from the bowl of crumbs, Kash turns and opens the oven. He pulls out a pan of chocolate already prepared. Each piece looks like swirled piles of dog shit, he slides the pan onto the counter and grabs a piece and pops it into his mouth. He laughs and looks to the side of the set. His smile drops into a frown as he stands up straight and a couple of men in Security Shirts step into the scene.
::Jason Kash::
You guys want some edible doody?
::Security Guard 1::
Can you please come with us? You are not permitted to be on this set..
::Jason Kash::
Oh you guys are such Buzz kills...I was only trying to have fun, make a parody like my opponent would do but NOO!! You guys ruin all the fun!
::Security Guard 2::
Sir, you tied Giada De Laurentiis up and put her in the closet.
::Jason Kash::
She wants me to join her for A quickie in Heaven? Whatever that kids game is at parties...I played spin the bottle once but all the girls liked kissing me without a game. Should I be undressing?
::Security Guard 1::
No, you should be lucky she isn't pressing charges! She asked us to escort you off the property and inform you that if you return, you will be shot!
You guys want some edible doody?
::Security Guard 1::
Can you please come with us? You are not permitted to be on this set..
::Jason Kash::
Oh you guys are such Buzz kills...I was only trying to have fun, make a parody like my opponent would do but NOO!! You guys ruin all the fun!
::Security Guard 2::
Sir, you tied Giada De Laurentiis up and put her in the closet.
::Jason Kash::
She wants me to join her for A quickie in Heaven? Whatever that kids game is at parties...I played spin the bottle once but all the girls liked kissing me without a game. Should I be undressing?
::Security Guard 1::
No, you should be lucky she isn't pressing charges! She asked us to escort you off the property and inform you that if you return, you will be shot!
He takes off around the counter, grabbing the pan of Dog Shit Chocolate and begins flinging the "poo" towards the two security guards. To him The Food Network should have more love for the APW World Champion. Kash rounds the counter a few times before the guards split up and come at him from both directions. He stops and does a little shake before trying to juke one of them but as he goes around the guard, the other one pulls out a Taser Gun and shoots Kash in the ass from behind. The repeated snapping of the Taser going off has Kash stiff and arched at the backside before he collapses to the ground and goes into convulsions.
Moments later you see the Security Guards walking Kash's limp body out of the Home of Giada De Laurentiis. Down the drive way, off the curb and onto the street is where they finally toss him. His body hits the concrete but he looks back at the guards and makes a funny face at them, trying to mock them but still have some voltage in his system. He pushes slowly up to his feet and stumbles sideways as he searches his pockets for his keys. Getting to his car, sitting behind the wheel he takes a few deep breaths and finally gets to the point of what all of this was suppose to be about.
::Jason Kash::
Johnny Knuckles! For the past 6 years we've known each other, fought each other, and even during a small time window have been allies. We've seen and done it all while being around each other in this business and now it comes to an end. How does this match make it the end though? Is one of us leaving? Moving to Overdrive with a loss? I'm unaware of how this match, this one match will make anything go away. What this is though is your last shot at being a World Champion! Something you haven't been since Ted Demon Soul retired and handed you a World Title back in the day right? See that's where this is different because I'm not handing you SHIT but your own ass like usual.
See Knuckles more recently you've questioned why I look to the people and embrace them. They never embraced you so I understand where you'd have a disliking for them. You've made claims that I've changed who I am and maybe I have changed. I'm no longer taking a backseat to people who in reality can't hold a candle to my highlight reel. Shane Borderland cried, pouted like a sissified tweety bird because people said he was in my shadow but I pushed him as the top talent. I credited him with our success but was that really the case? So yeah Knuckles, I've changed a bit but I've changed for the better of myself. I changed for me where as you have just changed nicknames and crappy nicknames at that..
You've had how many in the past 3 months? You went from the classic "Innovator Of Violence" to copying Adam Young and calling yourself "Unpredictable" before coming to the current "The Survivor" when you haven't survived shit. Throughout your entire career you've been the come up short artist and while it's true you've gained some respect from people for putting up a good fight, it still isn't victory you have claimed. Brad Jackson, Ted Demon Soul, Jon Plex, Suicide, and yes, Jason Kash! Names you have tried to beat, wanted shots at but never could over come in victory. This is your legacy. Never being quite good enough to be called the best.
I've BEEN Influential since you've known me. You were there the day that this name was given to me, not just placed on me by myself but given to me by the people backstage who watched me and knew me. I was dubbed Influence and I've not changed that Knuckles, it's who I am and right now these fans love my shit. I've been Bad but I will always be an Influence Knuckles while you now get to be a Survivor but what happens if you can't survive RassleMania?
What happens if when that bell sounds off your entire career is laid to rest? Not because I don't respect you but because this business isn't about respect. Fans aren't paying and attending shows to see people respect each other, they all want the prospect of death inside the ring, injury inside the squared circle. It's why people went to events at the Roman Colosseum and why they will attend Rasslemania! They want blood, sweat, tears, and shattered bones and I will give that to them Knuckles...At your expense..I will SACRIFICE You for my GLORY and the fans will love it!
It's not a surprise that you've only won a World Title in a place where a Salieri owned the company. You worked for the Salieri Family before this business and during the early stages of your career and your only REAL success came from a company where Tony Salieri owned and operated it. Lets face facts Knuckles..You're a Parody! People look to you as they look to Will Farrell for dumb comedy. Like Leslie Nielsen in the late 80s, you are the dumb comedy of Professional Wrestling and while entertaining, you are never seen as top billing. You ever heard of a Parody being World Champion? Hasn't happened since TCW Knuckles and that took a retirement to happen.
Little known fact? I was offered that spot too Knuckles! When Ted Demon retired him and Salieri both asked me to give you the X-Division belt and take over the World Heavyweight Title. Thing is, I earned and defended my belt. It was mine and I told you from the beginning that as long as it was around my waist, you'd never have it again. So what did I do? I kept my belt and let you have the belt that nobody even cared to have. I turned my belt into the Extreme Heavyweight Championship and while technically you were the longest reigning champion, you were clearly not the best. I was! So you can actually THANK ME for your reign as World Champion when that went down back then. Thank Me for something you couldn't do before that.
So you make it to the final four of Survive & Conquer and APW Management thinks to give you a bone. You beat Alioth Starre not once but twice where as because of you, I failed to defeat him. If you want to get technical, I've had a bad few weeks inside the ring when I've competed haven't I? Starre and then Sally but what makes those matches not important is because they were not for my World Championship, they did not matter because I had nothing to lose. Now you've seen what I can be like when I have something to lose Knuckles and do you really think a good parody will beat that? Haha...You can't be THAT stupid can you Jerky?
Johnny Knuckles! For the past 6 years we've known each other, fought each other, and even during a small time window have been allies. We've seen and done it all while being around each other in this business and now it comes to an end. How does this match make it the end though? Is one of us leaving? Moving to Overdrive with a loss? I'm unaware of how this match, this one match will make anything go away. What this is though is your last shot at being a World Champion! Something you haven't been since Ted Demon Soul retired and handed you a World Title back in the day right? See that's where this is different because I'm not handing you SHIT but your own ass like usual.
See Knuckles more recently you've questioned why I look to the people and embrace them. They never embraced you so I understand where you'd have a disliking for them. You've made claims that I've changed who I am and maybe I have changed. I'm no longer taking a backseat to people who in reality can't hold a candle to my highlight reel. Shane Borderland cried, pouted like a sissified tweety bird because people said he was in my shadow but I pushed him as the top talent. I credited him with our success but was that really the case? So yeah Knuckles, I've changed a bit but I've changed for the better of myself. I changed for me where as you have just changed nicknames and crappy nicknames at that..
You've had how many in the past 3 months? You went from the classic "Innovator Of Violence" to copying Adam Young and calling yourself "Unpredictable" before coming to the current "The Survivor" when you haven't survived shit. Throughout your entire career you've been the come up short artist and while it's true you've gained some respect from people for putting up a good fight, it still isn't victory you have claimed. Brad Jackson, Ted Demon Soul, Jon Plex, Suicide, and yes, Jason Kash! Names you have tried to beat, wanted shots at but never could over come in victory. This is your legacy. Never being quite good enough to be called the best.
I've BEEN Influential since you've known me. You were there the day that this name was given to me, not just placed on me by myself but given to me by the people backstage who watched me and knew me. I was dubbed Influence and I've not changed that Knuckles, it's who I am and right now these fans love my shit. I've been Bad but I will always be an Influence Knuckles while you now get to be a Survivor but what happens if you can't survive RassleMania?
What happens if when that bell sounds off your entire career is laid to rest? Not because I don't respect you but because this business isn't about respect. Fans aren't paying and attending shows to see people respect each other, they all want the prospect of death inside the ring, injury inside the squared circle. It's why people went to events at the Roman Colosseum and why they will attend Rasslemania! They want blood, sweat, tears, and shattered bones and I will give that to them Knuckles...At your expense..I will SACRIFICE You for my GLORY and the fans will love it!
It's not a surprise that you've only won a World Title in a place where a Salieri owned the company. You worked for the Salieri Family before this business and during the early stages of your career and your only REAL success came from a company where Tony Salieri owned and operated it. Lets face facts Knuckles..You're a Parody! People look to you as they look to Will Farrell for dumb comedy. Like Leslie Nielsen in the late 80s, you are the dumb comedy of Professional Wrestling and while entertaining, you are never seen as top billing. You ever heard of a Parody being World Champion? Hasn't happened since TCW Knuckles and that took a retirement to happen.
Little known fact? I was offered that spot too Knuckles! When Ted Demon retired him and Salieri both asked me to give you the X-Division belt and take over the World Heavyweight Title. Thing is, I earned and defended my belt. It was mine and I told you from the beginning that as long as it was around my waist, you'd never have it again. So what did I do? I kept my belt and let you have the belt that nobody even cared to have. I turned my belt into the Extreme Heavyweight Championship and while technically you were the longest reigning champion, you were clearly not the best. I was! So you can actually THANK ME for your reign as World Champion when that went down back then. Thank Me for something you couldn't do before that.
So you make it to the final four of Survive & Conquer and APW Management thinks to give you a bone. You beat Alioth Starre not once but twice where as because of you, I failed to defeat him. If you want to get technical, I've had a bad few weeks inside the ring when I've competed haven't I? Starre and then Sally but what makes those matches not important is because they were not for my World Championship, they did not matter because I had nothing to lose. Now you've seen what I can be like when I have something to lose Knuckles and do you really think a good parody will beat that? Haha...You can't be THAT stupid can you Jerky?
A sudden knock comes to the car window. He snaps a glance over to see one of the Security Guards leaned over and staring in the car at Kash. Turning the car key to turn the car on, Kash pushes the button to roll the window down.
::Jason Kash::
Yeah? You out here to tell me I can't be parked here?
::Security Guard 2::
Actually I've been sent out here to get your autograph for De Laurentiis! She is a fan and would like to cook dinner for you after your WrestleMania Victory!
::Jason Kash::
No, it's Rassle..Put more hillbilly in how you say it. Whats funny is APW is based out of Canada but the biggest show of the year is pronounced Redneck as fuck! haha kind of funny if you ask me.
::Security Guard 2::
From what she tells me you are also a Champion? If that's the case can I get your autograph as well?
::Jason Kash::
Heh, you tased me man! You want me to sign something for you after you tased me dumber than a dur dur retarded kid? I'll tell you what, you give me that taser and I'll give you an autograph and a picture of you holding my Championship? I'll sign the picture, how bout that?
::Security Guard 2::
Ermmm...Sure, that is a deal! Let's do it, you have a camera?
Yeah? You out here to tell me I can't be parked here?
::Security Guard 2::
Actually I've been sent out here to get your autograph for De Laurentiis! She is a fan and would like to cook dinner for you after your WrestleMania Victory!
::Jason Kash::
No, it's Rassle..Put more hillbilly in how you say it. Whats funny is APW is based out of Canada but the biggest show of the year is pronounced Redneck as fuck! haha kind of funny if you ask me.
::Security Guard 2::
From what she tells me you are also a Champion? If that's the case can I get your autograph as well?
::Jason Kash::
Heh, you tased me man! You want me to sign something for you after you tased me dumber than a dur dur retarded kid? I'll tell you what, you give me that taser and I'll give you an autograph and a picture of you holding my Championship? I'll sign the picture, how bout that?
::Security Guard 2::
Ermmm...Sure, that is a deal! Let's do it, you have a camera?
Kash gets out of the car with his World Title that he grabbed off the passenger seat. The Security Guard pulls a pen out of his shirt pocket, his name tag is hooked onto the pocket. As Kash stands in front of him, he notices the guy's name is Nick and lets out a small heh. The Guard hands Kash the pen but quickly acting, Kash swift kicks the Security Guard in the nuts and he drops to the grass yard. Kash bends over and grabs the taser off the Guard's body and with the pen he rolls the security guard over and signs "Jason Kash" on the man's forehead and stabs a period at the end of his signature.
As the front door of the House opens and the other Security Guard comes out in a hurry, Kash gets into his car and with the car still on idle, he flips the engine on, puts it in Drive and takes off, tires screeching. Down the road about a quarter mile, Kash pulls off on the shoulder of the road. He turns off the car and gets out, slamming the car door. He reaches in the open window and rips the World Heavyweight Title out of the car. He walks to the front of the car and kicks an empty soda can.
::Jason Kash::
Fine, we can do this one last time Knuckles! You want another shot, one more shot at me? That Asylum not too long ago wasn't enough, beating you then and almost nobody caring wasn't enough for you. You want to showcase that very thing all over again because you are glutton for punishment Knuckles. You want to be the guy who takes an ass beating over and over again only to come back and say you survived it. Well that's fine and dandy like Randy because I am all for kicking your ass one last time.
Like I did with Adam Young, after this match we are finished. You get no more chances to finally beat me because if you cannot do it on the biggest stage in APW than nothing else matters, you cannot do it at all. If you lose this match you can go ahead and call your entire career a lost cause and go back to playing World of Warcraft to pass the time. Maybe you could get Tommy Knoxville to come out of his slumber and you could both run a Tag Team called "KASH ENVY" because like people have said about you recently, you cannot stop speaking on my name.
You are a bit addicted but that addiction doesn't come with rehab, not for you! Your addiction of me comes with an Overdose, I will infect the veins and end your final chance to become relevant. Maybe you can start on that Book you wanted to write or maybe that small business you wanted to open before deciding to return to the ring. Like Knoxville you've become confused as to what you want so you claim it's beating me. However like Knoxville, you fail to come up to par with Influence. You know what though? I just might make short change of you, take our old friend Taser and put you down and beat you like the dumb dog you are. You keep coming back, wanting to bite the hand that has made you a rich man. It's about time to put Old Yeller down for good..
Fine, we can do this one last time Knuckles! You want another shot, one more shot at me? That Asylum not too long ago wasn't enough, beating you then and almost nobody caring wasn't enough for you. You want to showcase that very thing all over again because you are glutton for punishment Knuckles. You want to be the guy who takes an ass beating over and over again only to come back and say you survived it. Well that's fine and dandy like Randy because I am all for kicking your ass one last time.
Like I did with Adam Young, after this match we are finished. You get no more chances to finally beat me because if you cannot do it on the biggest stage in APW than nothing else matters, you cannot do it at all. If you lose this match you can go ahead and call your entire career a lost cause and go back to playing World of Warcraft to pass the time. Maybe you could get Tommy Knoxville to come out of his slumber and you could both run a Tag Team called "KASH ENVY" because like people have said about you recently, you cannot stop speaking on my name.
You are a bit addicted but that addiction doesn't come with rehab, not for you! Your addiction of me comes with an Overdose, I will infect the veins and end your final chance to become relevant. Maybe you can start on that Book you wanted to write or maybe that small business you wanted to open before deciding to return to the ring. Like Knoxville you've become confused as to what you want so you claim it's beating me. However like Knoxville, you fail to come up to par with Influence. You know what though? I just might make short change of you, take our old friend Taser and put you down and beat you like the dumb dog you are. You keep coming back, wanting to bite the hand that has made you a rich man. It's about time to put Old Yeller down for good..
He holds the 1 Million Volt Taser Gun up showing the camera as the expression on Kash's face is missing two upper front teeth, his tongue piercing sticking through the open gap. His eyes blankly looking directly into the camera as if looking right into his opponent's eyes. The scene slowly fades as the taser snaps on, the little blue line of OUCH is the focal point where the scene finally fades to black.
