Post by Michael Callahan on Mar 18, 2012 11:52:45 GMT -4
THIS MESSAGE IS PAID FOR BY THE TRADITIONAL RESTORATION INITIATIVE
A veil of darkness shrouds the screen while an ominous, deep and earthy voice over proudly declares the benefactor who the “spectacle” we are about to witness. His cutting, clear words slowly fade into vision in bold white lettering until his entire message is on screen. That very cliché alone that we see constantly in Republican and Democrat smear campaigns sets the tone for what is very obviously going to be some promotional (and guaranteed demotional) footage by the duly elected wrestling representative Michael Callahan. The “Paid for by the TRI” message is enough to make it obvious what is about to happen and straight away it's understood that some (if not all) the things about to be said are going to be dubious as to their accuracy. The words are replaced with a cross-cut image of a smug looking Reginald Schmidt and a crazy Chris McKenzie flailing his arms.
A different voice replaces the intro. Only this time it's the man himself, Mr. Michael Callahan back with an interesting list of “Did you know”'s that are usually fallacy cooked up by party think-tanks in the ever waging one upmanship of the two major US parties.
Michael Callahan: Did you know that Chris McKenzie wants to bring about an alliance with Reginald Schmidt so the two of them can start every Asylum show with a panel show that features vulgar racism and the torturing of newborn crack babies live on air? Does this disgust you? It should do.
The picture fades away and is replaced by a shot of Adolf Hitler standing atop the stairs of the Reichstag delivering one of his famous speeches to thousands of adoring fans. It's been workshopped a touch instead of Hitler's face, Chris McKenzie's maniacal grin has been superimposed on it. It's one hell of an offensive image but it drives home the point.
Michael Callahan: Did you know that Chris McKenzie once said that if he could invent a time machine he'd take a lifetime supply of blonde hair dye, colouring for his eyes and a big knife with him so he could go back and become a full fledged member of the Nazi Party and single-handedly turn the tide of World War Two? Sound bizarre? There's no proof to support the claim but it's 100% true.
Once again the picture fades and is replaced with another poorly edited picture, though this one isn't black and white like the rest. This time it's of Chris McKenzie hitting the Comatose State to Steve Fukuyama through the contract table but to draw extra emphasis to the point he's making, Fukuyama has been photoshopped to be wearing a neon pink karate gi to make him look “extra Asian” and excruciatingly flamboyant.
Michael Callahan: Did you know that Chris McKenzie is in fact racist and homophobic? His unmitigated attack on my close friend Steve Fukuyama was not just circumstantial but in fact a racially and sexually discriminatory assault on a prominent member of the gay Asian-American community, up there with the likes of George Takei and Jackie Chan. Granted he's a sinner in the eyes of the Lord, but two wrongs don't make a right and McKenzie is far more Godless than my friend Steve, God bless him.
The sound of scuffling is heard as Fukuyama tries to reach the microphone to say “I'm not gay!” but Callahan's pushing is able to keep him at bay. You can just about make his voice out in the background but it's not loud enough when Callahan makes loud thumping noises by pushing him over. Another picture appears but this time it's of Chris McKenzie flailing his arms in the ring AFTER he's broken the table by putting Fukuyama through it. This one has been edited so that Chris McKenzie is wearing bombs strapped to his chest over his wrestling trunks and one of the maniacal grab hands he's clawing has had a detonator edited into his grasp. He's also had the comical beardization treatment.
Michael Callahan: Did you know that Chris McKenzie deliberately buys pirated DVD's in the hopes that he can fund terrorism? Yeah, that's right. He doesn't even watch them. He collects a big stash of these cheap DVD's which might I add, take away profits from our hard working film industry up in Hollywood and after that, he puts them all into a huge pile and melts them. The materials in the plastic are actually toxic and because of the direction of the wind, the noxious pollutants find their way to the local kindergarten thus poisoning innocent childre. Chris McKenzie bought his house specifically for this reason.
The final shot is of Michael Callahan standing in the mens bathroom of the Asylum arena. He has a horrified look on his face as he stares at his open palm like he's just touched uranium and his hand is undergoing mutation. However the factoid is about hygiene, not radiation.
Michael Callahan: Did you know that Chris McKenzie never washes his hands when he goes the bathroom? I've seen him do it a whole bunch of times. He tried to shake my hand afterwards once but there was an anonymous dark stain on his palm so I politely declined to do so. It could've been chocolate cake but you don't take risks in this world, not with a man who calls himself The Virus. Imagine the scandal if this man were a heart surgeon. No wonder he calls himself “The Virus”.
Finally, Callahan is done presenting his so-called facts about The Virus, Chris McKenzie and the image fades away replacing it with a new shot. Instead of his far away voice we get the total package, the man himself Michael Callahan before our very eyes. Looking sharp as always he's stuck true to character in his setting, stood atop the stairs of his local City Hall as the sun is rising. Looking like a regular employee in his finely pressed black suit, his trademark Stacy Adams, a shining silver Rolex and an star spangled banner tie with an edeity knot it bears all the hallmarks of a “Callahan for Senate” campaign ad.
Michael Callahan: Hi. I'm Asylum's duly elected wrestling representative Mr. Michael Callahan with an important message for all the APW fans as we head towards the biggest show on the calender, Rasslemania VIII. Are you considering or already pledging your support to Chris McKenzie in his upcoming race against me for my Suicidal Championship? Well think again. There's some important things that you need to know first before the big day. This could make all the difference when you go out to put your vote of confidence in a man who is to wrestling what Nikita Khrushchev was to democracy
Callahan starts strolling down the steps, pulling a cup of Starbucks Coffee out from his blazer pocket. He takes a sip and delivers his speech to the audience.
Michael Callahan: Suicide is consistently number 11 in the chart for causes of death in America. That might not sound particularly impressive when you compare it to the big dogs of cancer and heart disease but when you see it actually beats homicide by four places your stance immediately changes. Nearly five people are murdered every 100,000 per year in America. Suicide is double those figures. Chris McKenzie wants to endorse a championship that represents a massive problem facing our nation. This is especially important in today's America as our Democrat president plunges us further into economic destruction where it is in fact shown in studies that suicide rates correlate with the performance of the economy. If you need more proof, just remember the Wall Street Crash.
The 1940's Great Depression of course being the catalyst of many a businessman plunging himself down all the way to his death from the top of the industrial mecca of the time, the all new skyscrapers that had spread like wildfire across the nation.
Michael Callahan: However, suicide is not the only cause of death at hand here. Y'see, Chris McKenzie rightfully calls himself The Virus. What're the statistics surrounding that? Well, let's see. He's a former APW Tap Out champion and his reign was as short lived as the idea Obama might actually do some good for this country. He destroyed an entire battle royales worth of people to get this match with me for the opportunity to go face to face with an American Hero on the grandest stage of all. However, most of the people he eliminated don't actually work for this company anymore. So it would seem that the mortality rate is quite high...
Far flung from the factoids, Callahan's words here are largely true. McKenzie had racked up quite the record since his rearrival and while McKenzie's words had largely been derogatory towards Callahan, Callahan actually recognised his accolades and took him seriously as a threat which could be all the difference between the two. Bizarre given the usually arrogant politicians seeming ignorance towards everything else. Maybe he's smarter than we give him credit for.
Michael Callahan: But he's not accounted for one thing. I'm not your average mortal man. I am a duly elected wrestling representative, chosen democratically by the people and by God to bring a restoration of honour and tradition to professional wrestling. I have been blessed by the powers that be the strength to bring down his unholy destruction of Asylum. He may well have rotted away at the Asylum arena like the plague he is but he's not account for me. I'm vaccinated, I'm immune to the effects this place has on people. I'm inoculated to his ways, something that no other man on this roster can be. I made that clear when I came to Asylum. I will not be swayed by the violence and the carnal instincts that corrupt the brand and it's inhabitants because I am simply untouchable. I'm the Lyle Chapman or the Eliot Ness of APW. Incorruptible, even to The Virus.
And with that clean, fresh suit how can you argue? He has the look of a Prohibition era cop but does he have the morales? Hell no. He's a cheat and a fraud who fancies himself as a man of the people. Sadly, Callahan's tendency to be a little economic with the truth smears his attempt to portray himself as a knight in golden armour but that's never stopped the man from trying.
Michael Callahan: Do you know what really highlights the kind of man that Chris McKenzie is? He had the audacity to call me, a former member of the United States Marine Corps a crude, immature word that basically equates to the concept that I'm a coward! He either didn't do his research or he's blind and ignorant! Either that or he's a pacifist but I have some doubts about a man who is capable of putting a man into a coma buying into that hippy CND nonsense! If he genuinely thinks I'm a coward because of something brave he does than I genuinely do fear for his personal life. However, I blame honest lack of awareness. If he knew he was facing Corporal Michael Callahan, a title which I have shunned out of modesty then I think his reaction would be completely different to me. Clearly though, he's just unprepared which will be his unmaking no matter how strong he is.
Having continued to walk down the stairs he's made it about halfway where he stops and unbuttons his blazer jacket. He opens it out and shows off his two perfectly polished championship, both wrapped around his waist. The Suicidal Championship is slightly tucked in underneath the Pro Life Championship but they're both there, loud and proud.
Michael Callahan: It's so important that the people support me at Rasslemania. This is the dawning of a new day, a brighter tomorrow for the wrestling industry! There is no ifs, and or maybes about it. I HAVE to win at Rasslemania or my whole movement so far has been for nought. Nothing more than fancy talk. I will grant you that Chris McKenzie is one incredible athlete and an extremely tough opponent but the Traditional Restoration Initiative is my sole reason for wrestling and to crush his destructive ideology is paramount to the proliferation of my cause. So far I have defended America's honour against foreign nationals, I have brought down a baby killer, the most heinous of monsters, I have beaten a woman who's waging the multi-fronted war of counter-culture. To compare her to scum like The Wu Tang Clan or The Ramones would not be unwarranted nor unfair. This movement has to continue for the good of America and the return to traditional conservative values and to climb that final mountain I need the people of America supporting me to the final bell!
Wait, Callahan's actually appealing for fan support? Something must be wrong. His delusions of being a people person are clearly still alive within his warped little mind but once again he goes out and shows that while he completely loathes McKenzie's morals (or lack of) he respects the fact that the man can dish out a beating. Callahan finally reaches the bottom of the stairs, a soft sigh escaping his lips as he decides to wrap this up.
Michael Callahan; So a week today when you turn up in your droves to watch the epic clash between myself, the Suicidal Champion Michael Callahan and my challenger, “The Virus” Chris McKenzie either as a spectator or at home on pay-per-view then please, do the right thing. Vote for me, Suicidal Champion and American Hero Michael Callahan not just for Suicidal Champion but for the future of wrestling and to give that cretinous, lumbering pig a taste of his own medicine. The prescription? Victory Lock to show him “comatose”. I pledged to the people to put an end to corruption in wrestling and replace this infernal dynasty of hardcore, high-flying wasting with the kind of pure, clean, athletic wrestling that we all want to see... and that's a promise I intend to keep. Remember, a vote for Callahan is a vote not just for victory but for the abolition of the desecration of wrestling. I'm your duly elected wrestling representative Michael Callahan... and I approve this message.
Callahan gives the camera a big thumbs up and another one of his classic full-tooth smiles before the scene fades to black. It's only a week away and it's time for dreams to be immortalised and legacies to be crafted. Will Michael Callahan add to his already accomplishment studded resume by successfully retaining his belt in the biggest title defence on the grandest stage of them all or is Callahan the classic political liar and is not in fact immune to the influence of The Virus? Time is ticking away. We'll find out at Rasslemania.
