I've been meaning to give you feedback for a while, but I always forgot about it because the topic got lost in the OOC...good thing we have this board now!
"This is My World" Feedback
I'm going to mainly focus on elements of style, opposed to specific elements for this RP, although there is a bit of that in here.
First thing I'm noticing is you've got a couple of problems as far fragmented sentences. It seems like in a few instances, you mean to use a comma to continue your train of thought, but end up using a period for a new sentence, which creates a disjointed feeling in your sentences. Here's an example:
As Harris sat there in his personalized locker-room looking off in the distance with this lost look in his eye. There was a small knock on his door followed by Shane West peaking his head in.
The first sentences is a fragment, although the second one is technically a complete sentence. To test this, if you have a sentence where you're not sure if you have a complete sentence, put it in a Word Document by itself. Does it still make sense out of context?
I would recommend removing instances of "telling" in your RPs. What I mean by this is instances where you basically put an idea in the reader's head. Here's an paragraph where I've underlined parts where you 'tell' me something instead of show it to me (I underlined those sections)
As Harris sat there in his personalized locker-room looking off in the distance with this lost look in his eye. There was a small knock on his door followed by Shane West peaking his head in. He noticed Harris sitting there with that blank stare on his face and
noticed that Harris hadn’t even heard him knock.
West kind of took this as the right time to enter Harris’s locker-room without no real indication from Harris that it was alright. He simply walked right up to Harris and patted his shoulder
to get his attention. Harris seemed to snap out of whatever state he was in and look right at West.
You can accomplish the same effect by making statements like "West tried to lean into Harris's point of view, but Harris made no gesture or indication in response." Mine is a bad example, but do you see what I'm saying?
This goes with the Shane "Pain in the ass" West thing as well. Let your audience make an assumption about things like that through dialogue and motions. Literally the first two lines of dialogue convey that "pain in the ass" feeling, so there's no need to preemptively put the idea in your reader's head.
You have a good sense of setting up a mood or scene. Like, f I didn't follow this place, I would have a good idea of why Harris is upset. His motivation/mood is clearly defined.
Here's an issue I think that will really help you once it's resolves: Sell your opponent. You bury both Dionysus and Hart. Even as a heel, you have to find a way to sell your opponent, because totally burying them, even if your character is a clear egomaniac, gives me little reason to care about the match and diminishes a sense of challenge. I think if you build your opponent up, and *then* slander them/talk down to them/etc., you'll give the reader a stake in the match because suddenly, I care about their opponent too.
I like that you set-up your trash talk, because I feel it's appropriate to give it some context. But, this is more a personal thing opposed to an attempt at objective feedback, ha.
I like Harris as a character because I do feel like you do a good job of building him up as a big deal, kind of like a legend that has a storied past before coming into APW. I feel like this is a person with a past, opposed to just someone that came in out of thin air. This helps to actually give him a personality.
I know it seems like I said a lot, and a lot of it was 'negative,' but I understand what it's like to be in that position of needing a little push in the right direction. If I had to single in on one aspect to work on, it would just be selling your opponent, because grammatical issues aren't difficult to fix and the other issues don't require too much change stylistically. I think you're a good writer that has a character set in stone, there's just one or two issues blocking you from being where you want to be. Hope this helps, and if it doesn't and makes me look like a major douche...sorry!
