Time Is Ours Feedback

[Pax Constantine]

Well I've been thinking of a protege' of my other character Edward Croft and he's come into his own. He has been through alot just like Caine but he's more human than Caine is. Clearly he doesn't hang around graves or such he speaks clearly about not conforming to society. He beleives that things should be placed in control of the individual and not be governed. He's very Anti-Government and this peice clearly sets off who he is as a person and athlete. It also introduces other characters crucial to the growth of his story. So leave feedback on what I have to do to make this new character a little more stand outish.


Time Is Ours:Warlock Chronicles

[Kurt]

Time is Ours Feedback

Just from a stylistic perspective, the uneven spacing is a little disjointing. Try and make each amount of spaces between paragraphs even, so as to keep the 'form' of the piece equal.

Try and avoid the word e-federations. It kind of breaks the kayfabe we're trying to build as writers.

There's a good sense of who the narrator is in the Intro. There's a really distinct voice here that's memorable. The only issue I would encourage here is to try and not linger on the same point, or repeat yourself too often. Your 2nd and 3rd paragraph literally open with the same structure. You do start a new point at the beginning of the 5th paragraph, so I can see it's not an overwhelming problem.

The intro does confuse me as to who this character is supposed to be though; the beginning mocks others for attempting change or 'hiding' under a disguise, but then the narrator remarks that they may not use their own name, wear a fake smile, etc. The intro ends on a note that clarifies this problem slightly, and I think it's something that'll clear itself out as the weeks go on and we get a clearer picture of who the narrator is.

Inner narration works with such an idealistic character, but make sure you balance it. The start of "Employing Accidents" has you first describing the scene, and then going into inner thoughts without any change or distinction. It bounces back and forth a lot. What I'd like to see you do more is "showing" over telling, because there's a lot of summarized inner narration here. I like that you use the picture to then go into reminiscing, which is what I'd like to see more of.

The similes and allusions are pretty entertaining, and add a bit of humor to balance the mood. I really liked the raisin analogy!

The tm thing is a little distracting, not gonna lie. That might just be me though.

I think you might need to go over the dialogue again. In Croft's segment, there's an overwhelming amount of run on-sentences. For dialogue, if you can, read it aloud and see if it sounds correct.

Again, there's a sense of contradiction occasionally. Pax calls himself Wrestling's Greatest Commodity, and then calls his opponents high school dropouts, but then declares that he won't stand around and say he's better than them. I do think you sell your opponents well though.

Here's how I feel at the end of this promo:

There's a good character in here, with some good concepts; the issue I'm seeing is that there's a few contradictions here and there that kind of weigh down Pax's personality. I understand building a contradicting character, but for a first RP, we need to have a base sense of who this is. I do honestly believe this is a problem that will get ironed out as time passes, because this is, as far as APW is concerned, a debut RP. I would focus on one element of the character that you want to push, and then progress that over the next few weeks, so we'll build a sense of who Pax is. Other than that, just try and correct a few syntax and spacing issues, and I think we'll see Pax stand out a little more as a distinct character.

Good job bud!

[T-Marv]

Alright, time to try my hand at giving some feedback.

Some of this may sound like an echo of Noble, but I definately agree with some of his points. So let's get started shall we.

THe Introduction

The Good:
I love the narration. It gives us a good feel from the storytellers aspect of things and we really begin to understand where you're coming from by the end. I really like that.

I thought the Introduction was well written from a structure standpoint. It gave us a good beginning flow to how the rest of the roleplay was going to go.

The Bad:
As Noble said... you were very contradictory in the Intro. I began with it really getting into it and into the character, but there came a point where I had to ask myself "Huh" when you started talking about not using your real name, and faking your smile. The character may have been intended to be a hypocrite ( i do this a lot) but I don't really get that feel that he's supposed to be like that yet he comes off that way.


Employing Accidents

The Good:
Really like how you gave us the backstory and insight into the past of your character. However, I feel that you may have gave us TOO much TOO soon. you could have built a lot of that over a couple of rps. It would have built suspense up and really got us to CARE about the character. That being said, I still liked it.

The Bad:
Not so much bad as kinda nit picky. It jumped around too much for me. It went from the scene...to your ex...to the scene. I would have much rather it transitioned from the scene to a flashback type of thing and then had something "snap" you out of it. BUt again, that's really nit picky. I didn't think there was anything BAD about it at all.


Confessions from the Observatory
The Good:
Again, loving the naration here. It really set the scene for me as I can picture you walking into your training grounds, could feel your emotion as you did.

I like that you included others in your "promo" part of your rp instead of just doing a strait shoot. I personally try to mix things up in that route, but usually fail. I find that if i have to read 15 different rps where the last part of it is one big shoot...it burns me out.

The Bad: I thought there could have been more back and forth between you and the characters. You had Croft talking at you for three paragraphs, then you talking about your opponents, albeit briefly. Then, you had Kansas talking about your relationship etc. I just feel like there could have been shorter broken up paragraphs with a little more interaction. I hope I'm getting that across right.

I didn't feel like you sold your match or your opponents enough. I realize that your first match in APW with this character.. that may be hard to do, but it's got to be in there somewhere.

OVERALL
I really didn't think it was a bad rp at all. I enjoyed reading it. But there are definitely a few things to be worked on. More match relevancy is one thing I can't stress enough. However, I like the general flow of your rp... like the insight it gave to your character.

Also, I'm really digging the character itself and I think you could really rind a nitche here with him.

Good job over all ( I know it seemed I was a tad hard on you, but you'll find that I'm a very tough grader of rps...especially my own.) Keep at it man, can't wait to see what you come up with next.