Some Feedback Please

[Pepsi]

So here's the story. Above all I rp for fun. I mostly worry about entertaining myself since this is a hobby for me. I am not the most grammatically correct person, and probably never will be. I do not consider this rp to be one of my better ones. I also don't have the time to write masterpieces these days. Mostly the type of feedback I am looking for is regarding the rp style. I am trying to settle into the APW style, which is somewhat different than what I have always done. I have always been low on narration, and high on verbal interaction which seems to be rare here.

Any other feedback is welcome. I could write an essay of criticism over this rp, so nothing will be taken personally. I have been away from competitive writing for 4 years, so any advice would be appreciated.

apwprez.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=iwcrps&action=display&thread=9761&page=1

[Pepsi]

I'll give this a bump before it gets to far buried. Any feedback would be welcomed.

[SalTal]

Billy Pepsi! Character with, maybe, my favourite name going!

First, a bit about how I see the APW style so that any feedback I give will actually make sense.

You've already got the idea correct in your head, but you might not realise it. It's about writing for fun. The amount of times I've seen humour beat trash talk, or entertaining beat grammatically and punctually correct will amaze you. The more 'fun' that's in your promo, the better it is. You do need to include the trash talk (and I'll mention the how's later), but the promos need to be fun. You go to some other feds, without naming names, and it's all about competition and not having fun. So you get complete attack and trash promos - sometimes verging on personal attacks - rather than really developing a sense of story and a sense of enjoyment.

So the fact that you're thinking this now is already putting you towards the right direction.

The things I like
- I like your narrator's voice. I actually enjoy the approach where it's almost as if you're breaking that wall between reader and writer. I've seen some really good promos come from that stye.
- Your trash talking, and the dialogue is pretty straight forward and clear. There's lots of room there for growth and potential however.
- The overall premise of the promo was entertaining. Tightening it up, you have an excellent promo. It's really fun, just sometimes the humour is downplayed. But you're going up against Callahan, so the idea behind the promo (of politics) works.

Things to work on
- As I was saying, the humour gets downplayed sometimes. I've always lived by 'actions speak louder than words'. I know on Asylum that there's more of a looming word limit, but just seeing Pepsi's reactions would have been a great enhancement. You could have, maybe, cut down on those exchanges between Billy and the congressmen, and in turn throw in some reactions. Simple things like actions that describe how he's thinking, body language when he's proudly proclaiming he's a Canadian. Things that don't add greatly to the word limit.
- Unbold your speech. Little formatting bits go a long way.
- Try to work on and develop the knack for writing an NPC voice. Billy Pepsi has a clear voice, but your NPC's are a bit bland, a bit routine. I would have liked to have seen more individuality behind some of them. Basic ways of doing that are describing the tone and style of voice before you have them speak; more advanced ways are actually writing that tone and style into the dialogue.
- You segmented your opponents out. I think in the feedback to someone else, it was pointed out that you could consider grouping them in themes or general ideas. You could start by talking about their contrasting styles which won't let them work together; onto how you and your partner will work together; onto how Gubby is everything Callahan hates, and then the other way around; into why you hate them both generally. I find it flows more, it creates more depth to the trash, and it just reads better.

Overall, as I said, you have the foundations here for a great promo and you're already along the right lines as the APW style. Keep at it, keep on working at some of those minor things and you'll see Billy Pepsi moving up in the ranks very very quickly!

[Kurt]

If I haven't given you feedback in 24 hours from now, send me a prod. You were helpful in giving me feedback, and I 100% intend on returning the favor. Just exhausted at the moment, but I will do in very soon. Promise!

[Kurt]

Feedback as promised!

Campaign 2012

Love the title. Instantly feeling the relevance from it.

The whole RP being bold is a little distracting. Maybe just put side actions in bold, or bold specific words to make them emphasized.

I can appreciate the little "out of character" notes about Billy. They work for this character because of his overall goofiness, which would be severely distracting with a more serious character. However, something need to be done to distinguish them from regular actions. Maybe these need to be bold? Probably italicized, actually.

Try to change up your punctuation every now and then. I normally never make a note about this as far as judging, but with a charismatic character like Pepsi, it feels odd to see sarcastic and witty statements end in periods throughout a whole paragraph. They'll help add just a twinge of energy to the piece.

Give your side characters names unless they have like only one or two lines. Here's another section where you can play with irony and produce a bit more wit. Looking back over this promo, it's not really a big deal here, but might just want to make a note for the future. I do agree with Sally's point about some of the side characters blending together.

I think you've got a funny vibe to you. The bits about the Tea Party and Pepsi not knowing about deficits and spending was very entertaining! I do think the humor dampens a bit when you directly get into trash talking. Pepsi seems like a really energetic guy, so the more serious turn comes at a bit of a surprise.

You sell the match well, even by trying to "abolish" tag team wrestling. As a Heelish character, you've got a great balance of being the 'bad guy' while giving importance to your match and your opponent. Kudos to that, really!

I'm not the biggest fan of segmented trash talk. I personally find it more effective to pick a theme, and simultaneously discuss both your opponents within the theme. You may still segmented them this way, but it typically doesn't feel as major because if you keep to the theme, they tie together. Or, in an RP like this, you could litter your trash talk through conversations. But, I will applaud you on giving context to your trash talk!

I know it feels like I said more negatives than positives, but most of it was stuff you're doing right, you may just need to alter it a little to increase the quality. You have a funny, likable character that is just as charming as the goofy Asylum roster. I think you just need some quick fixes here and there and you'll be set. Great job bud!

[Pepsi]

Thank you both for the feedback. I really appreciate it, and will take it to heart. I may hit you up for feedback again as I incorporate the things both of you touched on. Again thanks so much.