OMFC Rp/Character Feedback

[The Main Attraction]

I was going to wait until after Asylum, Was going to be posted but after working on trying to have a rp up to par at least in my eyes which included trash talk & CB...I'm not sure if the style is good from has anyone saw or should I approach it differently...And I'm looking to see If any likes OMFC and what they would like to see from him the future?

RP Link: apwprez.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=iwcrps&action=display&thread=9769&page=1

[T-Marv]

read this and will give feeback tonight

[The Main Attraction]

Thanks T-Marv...And this should be a better time than any for feedback on OMFC? Feel anyone...

[T-Marv]

so here we go....

First thing I note is your spelling/grammer. I'm not the best proofreader in the world, but you've got to take not of the little issues. For instance.... Frank wakes up between TWO naked blondes, not to.

Also on the same note, Don't use "..." to end every sentance. A single period should do it as the elipses makes me think you're continuing the same thought and the entire paragraph seems like one big run on sentence to me.

You are very descripive in your first big paragraph, setting the scene for me just right. However, you could add a little more flavor to your descriptions instead of bluntly laying it all out for me right there. For instance, instead of saying this:

"Frank then proceeds to go through his hallway and too the living room...Where the blinds are open and shining sunlight as he covers his eyes and closes them"

You could say this:

"Frank proceeds through his hallway and into the living room, shielding his eyes from the burning sunlight."

It gives me the same setting, but in a much more descriptive manner and using less words.

I like the flashback style of writing... but Honestly I don't get it. You're telling a story about frank partying after RM and hooking up with a couple of chicks, then we go on to a phone call that lets us know that Frank is an irresponsible son of a bitch who can't pay his bills. I get all that and that's pretty good. But then you go with the flashback that gives us an idea of why Frank is fucked in the head, but you never really tie it back to anything. Perhaps it's just me, but it seems out of place. I could be wrong.

I liked your Trash talk for the most part, but when you write it, make sure you have some sort of flow to it. There were times when you seemed to jump around without tying one point to the other. Other than that though it was good.

I would however invest some time in proofreading. The spelling and grammer mistakes made it almost unreadable at points. I had to go back over and over and read again and again and that just interupts the flow.

As for the Character. I'm not 100% sure what he's supposed to be other than some angry, half crazy guy. If that's what you're aiming for then you hit the nail on the head.

[The Main Attraction]

Thanks for the critic T-Marv...

[Kurt]

I got some stuff for you, but T-marv's feedback is excellent, so I'ma just repeat what he said with some other stuff too.

Facing All My Demons Critique

The question mark on the date...something about that just throws me off, ha. Maybe something like "Sometime in the beginning of April" would be more appropriate instead of an exact time and date with a question mark.

I would advise proof-reading after you finish your RP, or finding someone that can help you with it. There's a lot of grammatical errors, which normally don't throw me off because everyone, including me, make them...but they stack up if they're continuous. Eliminate the constant ellipses.

You are very descriptive about the kind of life Frank Cannon lives, and it does help with present scene awareness. Just be sure not to bog down the piece in arbitrary details. I think what you should focus on is picking on element of Cannon's life (maybe like the naked women in his bed), and develop that to give us a better sense of who Cannon is. This will be more effective than a bunch of little elements that give small doses of his personality, although both have virtually the same goal.

Why would the telephone company be calling about gas and lights?

At some point, you start putting the actions is asterisks. Just be sure to either use them throughout, or not at all to create a uniform feeling.

I do like the emotional connection to OMFC. There's a reason to care, and I like it. I like that we both have 33 year old characters that get jokes about being old, ha.

I think the most effective advice I can give you is to work to connect your piece. We get present day Frank - Flashback Frank - trash-talking Frank, and they only loosely tie together. I see the theme of falling apart in your first two "sections," but you can further it together by playing the theme throughout your RP. I also think the "flashback" could have been played out through the monologue to actually have Frank talk about it, instead of being fed to us.

There's a character here that I want to see more of, because I think he actually can have a surprising amount of depth. Right now, just work on cleaning up some technical issues, making your RP more cohesive, and connecting it together. Master one element, and then move on to the next, and you'll get there.

Good job bud!