Hey Nick (or is it Pence?)! Hope you don’t mind me jumping in here. I’ll comment on the post which you linked to originally, as that was the easiest to get to haha.
I want to say (and I’ll repeat it at the end, just so that you remember after everything I have to say haha!) that I really liked this promo. I enjoyed the character, the premise, the whole approach. It was really good.
I do have a fair few bits of constructive advice, but please remember that I really liked it!
First thing: I didn’t get the “End of Episode 1” thing. I didn’t know I was watching an episode, and I didn’t even know what that episode was about. I didn’t know what episode two was and thought it might be the trash talk. However, it didn’t end with “End of Episode 2” so I gathered it wasn’t.
What I ended up settling on (in my mind) was that the stuff
before the trash talk is, like, a TV or documentary series that focuses on Nick’s everyday life, etc, and that you wanted to separate that from the trash talk. Am I close to being correct?
If I am, I’m going to give myself a bit of a plug here: You’re sort of going along the same lines as my promo style. That’s not a critique or anything - I like it and wished other people did it too! If you want to see how I write the whole ‘episode’ thing, here’s a link:
apwprez.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=iwcrps&action=display&thread=9931What I would suggest is clearly setting out episode. Have a clear and denoted start - do that with a title for the show, a date for the episode, and a title for the episode. I want to know what I’m picturing, and why I’m picturing it. It would also give you a unique flavour to your gimmick.
Now the next bit - you really fleshed out those NPCs. I mean, it was near on 800 words before I actually got to hear Nick. I’m not saying that’s a terrible thing. It’s not only common for when you’re introducing a new character to a fed (and you want us to learn every little detail about him before next week), but it’s common for anyone who is trying to set things up. I’ve seen lots of people do it, so don’t think you’re doing something bad.
But that focus should really be turned onto Nick. I get what you were doing - you were explaining how Nick came to APW, how he was recruited. But when I’m reading this, I’m not all together fussed about the backstory of Dayle and Kyle - because I’m never going to read about them again, am I? They are one-time NPCs (I’m assuming). So for all that focus and attention and the 800 words there, you’re getting little pay-off.
So the general tip I’d give there is know what’s essential and what’s not. Every word needs to count. If there was no word limit like the good ol’ days, I’d say leave it like it is. But 800 words is one-fifth (or 20%) of your whole limit - and it doesn’t connect to the match and it won’t help define any better than 400 words would do. And I know how heart-breaking it can be to have written something that good (because it really is good!) and then have to cut it ... so might I suggest that, next time, you post it on the ‘House Show’ board and then link to it at the start as a type of ‘prologue’ or ‘extended cut’ for the episode, or deleted scene. That way, it’s still there, and people will read it, but it’s not taking up those precious words that you could be using to get that win.
Your dialogue. I though that, at times, it didn’t really shine through some of the personality traits of the characters. It just didn’t have the zing or the edge that pushes it right up into the top-end range. I’ll show you an example from your work:
I’d really like to see something in there that shows me Nick said it, and no one else could have possibly said it like that. Something that would contrast to the scouts (who work for corporate) and would also contrast old and tired Dayle:
Something that has some real personality in it. Another example:
Dayle is this old, tired, tested old man. So make him sound like it:
To me, there’s just that little bit of a person in it. Appropriate pauses in the dialogue, word choice that suits the difference in backgrounds, language the reflects a person’s attitude. Writing dialogue is hard at the best of times, and then having to think about each and every word? That’s a heap to be doing.
Which is why I’d suggest working on bits and pieces at a time. Work on Nick’s voice, first. Really capture the person you want him to be in the reader’s mind. How would he sound different to the next person. He’s younger, from Vegas via Maine, he’s pretty talented ... how does that make him sound different?
At this point, I’m going to copy what I just wrote for Rebel, because it’s appropriate here too:
Obviously your numbers aren’t the same, so ignore all that. And I wouldn’t even say it’s as pronounced an issue in yours. But when you get that dialogue down pat, and you want to push your promos up another level again, you should start thinking about that description that really draws out what’s going on in the heads by way of actions. Body language tells a story too - and often it’s more powerful than what you could have characters say. Crossing arms, legs, turning away, pinching the bridge of noses, rolling eyes, frowning, yawning, pacing - all these actions are attached to an emotion or a felling and the reader will get a really rounded, fulfilled picture in their head in you’re including the nuances.
Your style is much the same (structure-wise) and Rebel and Level-One. And I don’t dislike it - I like it when I’m trying to read through it fast, because I know where the trash talk is going to be haha! But might I suggest taking a look at their style to actually do some modeling? Not flat-out copy them, just see how they do that second section. It’s not someone in front of a camera, it’s just monologue. How it’s being delivered or spoken to us, it’s not important. It’s the message.
If you choose to get away from that approach, then you’ll need to cut up some of that trash talk with actions, descriptions, etc. I, personally, struggle reading three long paragraphs of anything without something to use as a point of reference. And if you go for this style, just apply some of that advice I put earlier about descriptions and the like to this section too.
That’s all the constructive criticism. I really hope I haven’t made you want to leave APW, or hate me for having typed it all. I just thought that there was a lot to be said about three non-major points. And if you were looking to get better, those are the three things that I see the main eventers here do that I would hope you would work on.
As for the positives, and the things I really liked:
Your character definitely came off as a face, which is something I can’t compliment you enough on. I try to write the face, and sometimes I scrap whole promos because it is far too heelish in it its trash talk and that. You clearly got that across, and it was good.
You didn’t swear in the prom, per se; though, if you’re going to **** the words, you might as well scrap them altogether and just find new words. I’m along the lines of ‘keep it real’ and I could definitely see the thing you had Nick say appear on TV.
Your trash talk was really good! It was among the best I’ve read of the new-comers of late. I thought it was on topic, it was insightful, and it really addressed the issues of the match and being new to APW. Some very minor grammar points I would pick out, but nothing I think that’s worth drawing attention to at the moment.
All-in-all, a good effort. Keep up the good work, and if you nail those three areas I pointed out, along with all the great stuff you’re already doing, you’ll have top notch promos every week!
