"The Living Story" Feedback

[Jake Venom]

I'll use this one post for all feedback on "The Living Story" Jake Venom. The character is definitely something different, so any and all feedback/suggestions, whether it be general or for RPs, is definitely welcome.

DEVELOPMENTAL RPs
DEAR DIARY: My Return

OVERDRIVE RPs
DEAR DIARY: Beginnings

[Jake Venom]

First "real" RP has been posted. Let me know what you think!

[Kurt]

I read both your pieces, but this review is just for the Overdrive piece because I feel it'll be more helpful, ha.

"Dear Diary: Beginnings" Critique

Let me start off by saying that I've done a journal RP style that to me, had mixed results. Hopefully you pull it off a little better than me, ha.

First off, date the diary entry. It'll convey the diary sense, and allow you to play with time should you choose to. If you do multiple entries in one RP, this is definitely essential.

Remember that a diary is usually kept as a stream of consciousness: it's pure, unfiltered thoughts. I like that you portray this by saying Jake was afraid of being rusty and things like Twilight. But, remember that because this is presented as a diary, it comes off as unusual that you're narrating to an audience. You explain/summarize events/people like Katie, which feels slightly unnatural. Stylistically, I think you're kind of in the middle because introspective (diary) and explanatory (blog) feeling, and I think it would benefit to move towards one or the other. I don't think I've articulated this concept well, so let me know if I need to elaborate.

Great sense of genuine humor. There's a good personality here, just make sure it stays consistent. The humor dips a little as it goes, but I do get that "I've done some bad shit, but I'm doing better" type vibe as I go along, so that's good.

This RP is a little light on the match (but not wrestling) relevance, I know you and your opponent have nothing on one another, and it's your first week, just try and avoid having your opponent become a blurb at the end of your RP.

I felt it was a really solid entry (pun intended!). I do get the diary sense, although I think you would benefit from some little changed here and there that I mentioned. Good stream of consciousness that diaries should have, and I hope you keep it up while improving. Good job bud!

[Jake Venom]

Thank you for giving me some feedback!

I definitely appreciate it. Coming from you, that definitely means a lot. (I highly respect your writing).

The reasons you listed for improving is exactly why I decided to volunteer for Meltdown. I think this character has some awesome potential, but I think writing like this is the hardest style of writing I've ever done. So, I wanted to move to Meltdown to try and hone my writing skills with this character.

Again, thank you for the feedback!

[SalTal]

I’ll tack on some feedback if only because I am a big fan of your style of the journal promo, and would love to see someone like yourself really own it and take it far in APW. I had tried it in the past (like Kurt) and had failed miserably and I ended up modifying it to what I do now.

Also, you threw my name out there an I want you to know that nothing gets by me here haha!

Anyway. I’m basing most of this on ‘DEAR DIARY: Beginnings’, just to put that out there straight away.

I want to agree and emphasise two things that Kurt said: Date the entry and and the stream of consciousness. Those are key to the best ‘diary’ writing styles. I won’t rehash that though; Kurt did a good job on that.

I like your manipulation of the structure. Your format allows you to do some wonderful things with the language and the build of your promo. And you’re already doing that: Single sentence paragraphs to emphasise; rhetorical questions; etc. Good stuff. And you’re using the rule of three very well too.

I didn’t like the way that the first half was all about you then, in a snap, you’re into OverDrive talk. I’ll show you where I thought it was weak:

But, now, all of that is in the past. I'm Straight Edge now, I write in books now, and I've definitely changed the way that I see things. I've definitely changed the way that I've feel things. And I've definitely change the way that I envision things.

Which brings me to this week's Overdrive.

I haven't felt this excited about stepping back into the ring for years. I know, I know, everyone gives that same company line every time they step into the squared circle after any sort of absence.

I didn’t see the connect between that first paragraph (‘feel’ and ‘envision’) to the third (‘excited’ to be back). I would have liked to have seen a natural progression into the OD part. Perhaps talking how Jake feels about OD (other than the excited) and how he ‘sees’ OD. The unique thing about your diary style is that you can put everything in a character’s head onto paper - stuff that some of us just can’t. So I would like to see some really in-depth stuff there; some really psycho-analytical, emotional, deep consciousness stuff. Don’t just dwell on the superficial stuff that everyone else is going to be writing about.

This promo had a distinct face feel. I’m assuming that’s what you were going for, as you’re writing for a Tweener. But it did some off as excessively nice given the nature of your character. Maybe try and getting in more of a cutting edge that reminds us that he’s not all flowers and sunshine. I know that’s difficult when you’re new to a company, and I respect that. But, as time goes on, keep tabs on who says what about you, who is winning and who is losing titles, and thread that in. Even if it doesn’t directly have anything to do with you.

For example, I’m going to remember that Jake had a shot at Sally in this entry. So if we ever cross paths, I’ll bring it up. Or I might use it when I’m writing a promo about someone else who doesn’t respect Sally. I’ll start by saying how no one respects her, cite this examples, and then draw a line between them. Just a suggestion.

But other than these few things, I can’t say there was all that much wrong with the promo. t was very easy to read and I loved that tone and style you brought to it. You clearly have a hold of the diary-style of writing - whether you’ve been doing it for a long time or not. And you clearly have a solid idea of your character in your mind - which will eventually be transferred over to us as more and more promos go up. Don’t try and explain everything about Jake in these first few promos; take the first 5 or more to really sell his whole personality to us.

Anyway, below are just some little suggestions that I thought of while reading for you to disregard as you see fit. But keep at it! Well done!


Some creative suggestions:
- Consider giving the diary some ‘context’. I mean along the lines of ‘How am I reading someone’s diary?’ I’m a bit different to others here and would probably classify myself as a ‘realist’ (in terms of the promos). So I want to know how I’m reading this diary. Is it on the website? An APW magazine? Has it all been written in the future and I’m sitting at home reading this as a compilation book? I like those details, but I wouldn’t say they’re necessary.

- Also consider the use of visuals. I’m straying far from strictly efedding, but if you look at stories that are publishes as diaries, you often find people doing doodles, of sticking in pictures. Just consider how you might be able to enhance your promos with that - because this is one of the few formats that would allow you to naturally integrate images to boost the creativity of your promo even further.

- Length. You’re on OD and that means longer promos. I’m not sure about your past experience or whatnot so I don’t want to say you need to keep working at that. But if you keep working on that, you’ll move up the ranks. One way to do that is have multiple entries within the one post. If you don’t feel confident enough to write 4000 word entries (and I wouldn’t recommend this, as it gets tedious for both you the writer and me the reader), write your 1500 word promos on different ‘things’/themes related to your match. I mean, off the top of my head, you could have an entry on Jake’s previous match and what he learned from it, then an entry on what he needs to do to win, then trash the opponent, then have a summary entry. 4 entries there, 1000 words each and you’re filling the limit. I see that you’ve stuck your hand up for Meltdown now, so you only have to worry about 3000, but the same idea applies.

[Jake Venom]

I appreciate all of the words, most definitely!

In my vision, the diary is written as part of compilation that's sort of being told from the future looking back (a lot like the sitcom How I Met Your Mother, but with a diary.)

The idea about putting in doodles, etc, is a fantastic idea. That's an incredible idea!

I definitely felt like the RP was very short, especially considering some of the monstrous (and great!) RPs that have been put out here. The level of competitiveness around here really requires watching the length of the RP (not saying that longer = wins), but the best RP'ers (between you SalTal, Noble, Level One, CJ Gates, etc) have definitely longer posts than what mine ended up being. And it's something I'll look to fix.

But, seriously, thank y'all. (I'm from North Carolina, you'll have to live with the word y'all) This character is new, something I've never done before, and getting advice from writers I admire is fantastic.