Requst

[Slade "The Main Man" Craven]

Well,

I have bit out of the game awhile and someone this week said they felt i needed to step it up. I was wondering if they, or anyone, would consider critiquing this.

Thank you.

apwprez.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=odrp2012&action=display&thread=9891

[Jake Venom]

I will preface this by saying that I don't judge here, and since I don't, I'm going by what I would judge by if I were judging this RP. So, if I say that something is great, some others might think it's bad (or vice versa).

With that being said, I'll start.

- Is that the real Jay and Silent Bob? If say, that's kinda hilarious and kinda weird all at the same time.

- I don't really like walls o' text in RPs. It makes the RP look... Uneven, which makes the flow of the RP strange. It's easiest to make scene text into huge walls of text, but thankfully, it's also really easy to correct. Just find a stopping point in that huge block of words, hit return, and drop to the next line, but continue writing the scene text.

- You did a really good job of setting up multiple characters, and you found a nice way to send multiple characters to the same meeting point.

- The "bar scene" had a very "real" feel to it, which is good. The conversation seemed organic, seemed like a conversation that would actually take place. That takes skill in writing. It's easy to write words, but, when you read them, sometimes it's just that, words. When you have the ability to write organic conversations, you can make those words come alive.

- I'm confused with what the "shoot" part is after the bar scene and before the all-green "shoot". Is it another character's "shoot"?

- Your "shoot" is definitely good, but suffers from the same wall o' text problem from previously. The wording is awesome, but it makes it awkward by having to sort through that giant mound of words. If you broke those blocks up into smaller segments, your "shoot" would've been spot on. (I also don't like having random bits of "scene" text inbetween your "shoot". But, that's a personal preference, and definitely isn't an idea that's shared around eFedding.)

[Slade "The Main Man" Craven]

See Ive seen that "wall of text" before. I never used to do roleplays like that but have noticed it actually gets the vote here. I just am trying to work that in to run it. Thank you, breaking it up more will go into the next shoot set.
Silver text is Shadow
Forest Green text is Slade (I play both)

In response to your question about Jay and Silent Bob. Yes they were backstage at Overdrive with the AKA (They are honorary Ass Kickers). In fact the whole first segment was a recreate of the APW chatroom during Overdrive. (I was in character the whole time during the show and used Jay and Silent Bob cause well they fit with what we were doing in the chat room)

Thank you again for you information. Best of luck this week to you.

[Kurt]

Pretty sure Jake hit the nail on the head, but I'll take a stab at it anyway.

"Ancient History" Critique

Never seen Jay and Silent Bob, so this opening is lost on me. lol

Try not to summarize if you can help it. I don't mean events, but moods/emotions. Basically, try and avoid putting a thought in your reader's head, and instead, attempt to convey is physically. For example:

His tag partner shakes his head trying to make sense. He knows something. He knows what happened at that moment in the ring. He just can’t make heads-or-tails of what happened at ringside.

The bold part is basically putting ideas in my head. I'm not seeing an overwhelming amount of this, but it is there enough to be noticed. Just try and avoid it if you're able to.

Your characters all sound different, which is good in differentiating them. They speak differently, and I can "see" the accents.

I'm not a big fan of lengthy paragraphs. People skim them, and important points/match relevance can become lost. If you have a lengthy paragraph, to me, you're better of splitting it up into smaller paragraphs that each emphasize a point or further what you're talking about.

I do like the parallelism. Nicely done!

I like this RP, but it's too split up to me. There's too many scenes that don't see a tremendous amount of development each. For the trash talk, it would be more effective to have the two talk together, discussing the point's the other makes, instead of having them separated. It doesn't convey a "tag team" feeling. But, the trash talking is actually really well done. There's a great sense of history, and both characters have distinct takes on the match; I just wish they weren't so separated.

This RP surprised me. It did a lot of things I wasn't expecting. Some worked (the parallelism) and some missed their to me (the splitting up the trash talk). I think the most important aspect to improve on is making a more cohesive RP. Link scenes together more, and you'll start to see your characters link together more. Really solid effort that surprised me, and that's a good thing. Good job bud!

[SalTal]

I don't want to hijack the thread (which is exactly what I'm doing, I know), but I want to say something about this.

Apr 18, 2012 22:13:23 GMT -4 Kurt said:

His tag partner shakes his head trying to make sense. He knows something. He knows what happened at that moment in the ring. He just can’t make heads-or-tails of what happened at ringside.

The bold part is basically putting ideas in my head. I'm not seeing an overwhelming amount of this, but it is there enough to be noticed. Just

I actually disagree with Kurt here. I like what was written, and I actually prefer the writer to put some ideas into my head. It's not my piece of writing, it's yours with a purpose: To convey a message that you want conveyed. I would actually like to know why someone is shaking their head, if they are. If they're thinking, deep in thought, I'd actually like to know what they're thinking because it tells me what the character is like.

I'm not saying Kurt is wrong or to ignore him (he's a champion ... or something ... I don't know ... haha). I guess I wanted to point out there there are different styles, and different people like different things.






Don't hurt me Kurt!